Welcome to the Interview With An Ex series, in which Autostraddle writers get back in touch with their exes to ask them Five Simple Questions:

1. How long did we date?
2. Why did we break up?
3. What did you learn from our relationship?
4. What do you miss most about me?
5. Would you invite me to your wedding (why/why not)?

you can’t tell but i got a tattoo this day!! MR came with me to the appointment which was Very Nice of them, but then they just had to sit in the waiting area while the whole tattoo thing happened.

I first met MR when I was twenty years old. Our then-partners were friends, despite us going to different schools in different states (gay Asian circles are small, I guess). Honestly, there’s nothing memorable about the night we first met. I remember it being warm and I have a vague memory of ordering delivery boba, but beyond that, nothing. I didn’t really think about them much – or at all, really – until we discovered we were about to be coworkers.

Fast-forward two years. We did the New York Times “36 Questions to Fall In Love To” in the basement ramen shop of a Chicago barbecue spot (the questions worked), and spent the next several weeks of orientation trying not to kiss after-hours (we were coworkers with a budding friendship!) before eventually giving up and letting nature do its thing.

We were inseparable for the rest of the year, and most of the next. We traveled a ton, met each other’s families, and spent hours on the phone when we weren’t in the same place. We even got matching toothbrushes and made a marriage pact which, when you’re dating, is maybe just… talking about the future? We also went to couples therapy, and it was really good! Maybe the only reason we were able to transition to friendship so quickly after the breakup.

We’re now exes – you’ll hear about our breakup soon – but we’re also still Very Much in each other’s lives. We split an oyster CSA share, we’re planning a hike upstate next month (I love the Hudson Valley!), and uh, we did this interview in person and over frozen cocktails. Anyway, I am well aware of how tropey it is to be gay and this close to an ex. Sorry!!!!!

honestly this looks a LOT like a 0.5x zoom photo and this was back in 2018 before those were A Thing

Ashni: Okay, okay! How long did we date?

MR: See, that’s the hardest one. That’s probably the toughest of the five. It really depends on the definition of dating.

Ashni: Oh my God.

MR: We dated for a number of weeks or months. I would say… My body wants to say three months. We were officially partnered for a very short period of time.

MR: Did you ever go to church with me?

Ashni: I did, I went to church with you.

MR: Yeah, I feel like that’s it right there. If you endured that, we dated. Okay, so when did you come and visit?

Ashni: Well, that was December. But I met you like twelve months before that.

MR: And we were messing around from the beginning.

Ashni: Well, we spent a good three weeks pretty platonic. Maybe even five!

MR: Yeah, you’re right! I mean, we made out. Okay so when did we like, break up? Let’s work backwards.

Ashni: We broke up in August 2019.

MR: 2019, really? Oh, that makes sense. ‘Cause 2020 was the pandemic. It just sounds like it was so long ago. So we officially broke up in August of 2019. Because of –

Ashni: That’s the next question! I thought we were working backwards!

MR: Okay, sorry! I’m getting sidetracked. So then we dated for a year and a half by a loose definition.

Ashni: Was it good? Did you like it?

MR: Yeah, it was great. I really liked it.

Ashni: I really liked it too.

MR: It was really nice. It was very dramatic. We were very young. We didn’t know what we wanted!

Ashni: I was 22!

MR: And we were selfish. We wanted it all.

Ashni: Today you texted me, “You can’t have it all, Ashni.”

MR: You don’t want me to get into this. You bailed on me! And so I made other plans! Okay, so we loosely dated for about a year and a half, which was made up of a couple of phases. One of which was mostly hooking up and then having dramatic arguments in like the edges of the world. And then the last six months we were navigating multiple relationships. We were trying to fit what we had in a way that made everyone feel comfortable, and ultimately, that failed.

Ashni: It did fail!! So that brings us to our next question. Why did we break up?

MR: We broke up because we – I would say specifically I – had a really hard time. You caught me in that year of “no dating”, so I had all these arbitrary stupid rules, like “I’m only going to be with myself” and “I’m going to be a bit slutty”.

Ashni: Which is why you slept over at my place so many times.

MR: Because obviously I was attached to you. But because of that – because of these arbitrary lines that I had drawn, we were not exclusive in any way and you were actively on the apps. And I was messing around with another person! In the time that it would have made sense for us to date in a healthy way, I was drawing arbitrary lines in the sand.

Ashni: Mm.

MR: And then when we actually started dating, we had these really complicated factors of our partners. And we ultimately were trying polyamory with people who are monogamous.

Ashni: I didn’t read the book! (I am reading the book now.)

MR: And we failed at the multiple relationship thing. But… I would say we also succeeded because we’re here now! We are still in each others’ lives. And we did all that work with our couples therapist to try out dating in a way that wouldn’t ruin us. And dating failed, but we didn’t fail. Does that seem like a satisfactory answer? Do you agree with that?

Ashni: I’m not judging the quality of your answers! But I think we both do this thing where we assume an unfair amount of guilt – like we blame ourselves a little too much. But no, I think we broke up because I had a really hard time asking for what I wanted. And it got hard and I didn’t know how to fight for this. And I did the easy thing.

MR: Yeah, I think we definitely opted into the easier thing, which was not dating, not being partners.

Ashni: Well, I think the type of partnership that we had was also the easier thing. Like, I think it was a way for us to just make sure we stayed in each other’s lives in a way that our partners were comfy with.

MR: We haven’t even described what that looked like. We were allowed to go on dates and love on each other and have intimate times together, without the physical bits.

Ashni: It’s weird that not having sex led to our downfall. Sorry, that’s not what I mean.

MR: Wow.

Ashni: That’s not what I meant to say! It’s interesting that around the time we stopped having sex, we started this partnership. I don’t know where I’m going with this.

MR: I mean, I think you have a point. I think that our natural state of interaction included sex. And we intentionally removed that and then, yeah, I had a hard time with that, but ultimately, I think it was healthy.

Ashni: I think it was the right choice, the right time. I don’t know how we would have done the pandemic.

MR: Yeah, we would not have done the pandemic. That would have been our downfall, if not ourselves. Which is totally fine.

Ashni: We made it through! You would bike up.

MR: I would bike up. I would bike 20 minutes to come –

Ashni: See me. It was really nice! We would get oysters and shuck them in the park and split a bottle of wine.

MR: Really cute. Sounds like a date.

Ashni: What did you learn from our relationship?

MR: Oh, my God. So many things. I learned so many things.

Ashni: Really? What did you learn?

MR: Well, it was my first, like, real attempt at polyamory. So I had a lot of lessons from there. Like how hard it is to find a balance that fits everyone’s comfort levels. But how rewarding it can be when it happens. And then I learned a lot about respecting boundaries? That’s a more serious one. And then I learned about… mmm…I don’t know, like, so much of it was wrapped up in me learning how to Adult in New York. Do any of those lessons make sense for you? Do you relate? Thoughts for me?

Ashni: Honestly, I think I learned not to put my all into a person who wasn’t ready to date in the way that I wanted. I learned that the trip from Midtown to Astoria is just as fast on the train as it is in a Lyft.

MR: It’s four stops on the N!

Ashni: You showed me around Astoria a lot and I really appreciate that. I don’t know that I would have seen as much of Queens if you –

MR: If you hadn’t dated someone in Queens?

Ashni: Yeah, you were the only reason I was ever in Queens. I learned to have more respect for faith.

MR: I was still struggling with that stuff.

Ashni: I know, I’m sorry. I’m the worst person to be with when you’re struggling with faith things. I learned a lot about cocktails and drinking. We spent so much of that first year in bars. It was very boozy.

MR: It was very boozy. It was very fancy. We ate a lot of food. We just like – I was just an absolute hedonist when I moved to New York.

Ashni: You just changed it from “we” to “I” – but I agree. I was a hedonist.

MR: [laughing] I only want to speak for myself!

Ashni: I appreciate that. I, too, was a hedonist. I think we still are.

MR: Cheers to that.

Ashni: I’m not clammy, did you feel that?

MR: That was great. Let’s feel it again.

Ashni: You’re clammy!

MR: No I am not.

Ashni: You’re a little damper than I am.

MR: You’re right. I am. I’m a little hot.

Ashni: What do you miss most about me?

MR: I don’t really miss you.

Ashni: [aghast]

MR: I’m around you all the time.

Ashni: Yeah, I think we’ve seen each other, what –

MR: Six times in the last eight days.

Ashni: Really?

MR: I made that up, but something around there. Do you miss me?

Ashni: I guess not anymore! Not after your answer! Damn.

MR: Well, I just feel like there are so many things that we kind of do that I want to do fully. Like, I wanna fully just… go on an adventure with you, like travel again and not be held back. I think that the way that we explored the city together was really fun.

Ashni: I loved exploring the city with you. I love going on little adventures with you.

MR: I know! You’re such a good adventurer!

Ashni: So are you!

MR: I also miss having sleepovers with you and making full 24 hour plans. Like we were just so good at that. We would spend all this time together. We don’t want to do that anymore. It’s just short chunks.

Ashni: Do you want to spend a whole day together? I mean, not like 24 hours but like 10 AM to midnight.

MR: You wouldn’t even wake up for me. You wouldn’t even.

Ashni: I said 10am!!

MR: But yeah, like the stuff I love about your personality and the way you impact my life – I still feel like I have those things. So I don’t miss those things. I definitely just miss the lingering and the traveling and the adventuring.

Ashni: I don’t see you as frequently as I’d like. I think this week was an exception, but in general, I feel like I see you once or twice a week and I’d like to see you more. I feel like Length of Hang is always difficult.

MR: I love being neighbors with you. That’s something I specifically don’t miss about back then that we have now. I love it. I love that we can have a local, extremely fun adventure.

MR: But, yeah, for the most part I feel very fortunate having you in my life in such a big way. So being able to not just have fun with you but also lean on you and be supported by you and support you. I think that’s nice.

Ashni: I think that is really nice.

MR: It’s not a superficial friendship. It’s still a very deep friendship. So, yeah – I think we would miss fewer things outside of that realm than the normal ex. Don’t you think we have more access to the things that we would miss otherwise?

Ashni: It wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for you. You insisted that if we broke up, we had to stay friends. You were, like, if we date I can’t lose you.

MR: We were going into it with the odds against us. So I just didn’t feel comfortable, like, just going for it.

MR: I had this theory that you were talking a lot more shit about me than I was about you. This needs to be on the record. You had a Finsta! Where you would post very intimate details about our relationship to your 45 closest friends.

Ashni: It was seven people.

MR: I was imagining a tight 50.

Ashni: I have, like, ten friends.

we went to mid-coast Maine (oyster heaven) and went to the same oyster farm twice in two days. it was amazing

MR: Okay, what’s the next question?

Ashni: It’s the last one!

MR: [gasps] We did so good.

Ashni: Would you invite me to your wedding?

MR: Yeah, absolutely. I think that this is the easiest one because you’re a friend! Because everyone in my life knows where we stand. There wouldn’t be any explanation. What about you?

Ashni: Absolutely. You came to my birthday. I mean, you’ve been at every birthday. Yeah, I would absolutely invite you to my wedding. Well, that’s it. That’s the interview.

MR: We did it! Go us!

Ashni: Is there anything you wanna say in closing?

MR: [pauses] No, no.

Ashni: What were you gonna say?

MR: I thought it would come to me.

Ashni: Okay, well, thanks. Thanks for your time!

MR: Thanks for doing this. I had a lot of fun.

we went apple picking earlier in the day and i found this cute tiny pumpkin!! unfortunately we had to go straight from the farm to a concert (doja cat, i think?) so i tried to bring the pumpkin with me. the bouncer held onto the pumpkin for me during the concert and then gave the pumpkin BACK to me post-concert so i think this was a win!

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