Chapter 4
Louis turned back to Blaze, who was looking confused. Louis began his pitch again.
“So, how about we have a meeting right now at my private studio?”
Blaze looked bewildered, “What?”
“Yeah, come on, we can get started on this right now! You’ve got talent. We can get you at the top of the charts in a matter of weeks! You’re working on an album, right?”
“I mean, I have an EP…”
“Perfect, let’s go. Right now.”
“I don’t know…”
“Oh come on. Surely someone with a name like Blaze does cool and dangerous things.
Hearing her own new name reminded Blaze of how cool she was. Louis was right, someone with a name like Blaze does do cool and dangerous things. Like hang out with strangers, set off illegal fireworks, destroy the world. Blaze knew it was her responsibility as someone named Blaze to go record her EP with someone she just met at a place she did not know. Blaze agreed to go and Louis smiled and shook her hand. They carried out Blaze’s equipment and loaded it into Louis’ car and took off. They did not notice the car pull out of the parking lot behind them.
“So,” Louis began as he drove, “is Blaze your real name?”
“It’s my real middle name.”
“What’s your real first name?”
“Katie.”
Louis made a disgusting glottal sound. “Never tell anyone that again!”
“What? Why?”
“You know exactly why! Your whole image hinges on the name Blaze. Nobody wants to hear music from someone named Katie. People want intense names like Mick Jagger, Sid Vicious, Fats Domino, Blaze. You get it?”
“Yeah totally. Fats.”
“Alright. Good. We’re here.”
Louis and Blaze had pulled up in front of a seemingly deserted storefront. They got out of the car and Louis pulled out some keys and unlocked the door. Blaze and Louis stepped inside. Across the street, a car slowly came to a halt. Inside the car, Jodie Foster nervously ate a Subway sandwich.
Illustration by Rory Midhani
The store was not deserted, but rather a glistening new recording studio. Blaze could not believe her eyes. She had to tell Louis.
“I can’t believe my eyes! I had no idea this place was even here!”
“That’s because it wasn’t here.”
“What?”
“I built it for you, Blaze. I knew I was destined to meet you.”
“Oh no.” Blaze said, “You’re going to murder me aren’t you.”
“No. I’m going to make you go double platinum.”
“What? Everything that’s happened so far is pointing to murder.”
Louis put his hands on Blaze’s shoulders; she did not resist even though she was 95% sure she was about to be murdered.
“Blaze, this is going to be hard to believe, you may want to sit down.”
Louis gestured towards a plush couch. Blaze sat down and Louis continued.
“Have you heard of the poet Emily Dickinson?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“Well, in 1880 Dickinson wrote something that was not a poem. It was a prophecy about a supreme dyke. After Dickinson’s clairvoyance, she entrusted the prophecy to the highest power lesbians of the present and future. She made them swear to save the earth from this one super gay. Dickinson predicted she would be hotter and cooler than all the dykes on the planet combined. Butch, femme, tomboy, timboy, actual boy, it didn’t matter. This girl could have one million hands and still not be able to manage the amount of pussy she’d be getting.”
“Ew…that’s awesome.”
“Right. And it’s become clear, Blaze, that you are that lesbian; the one that will end all other lesbians.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you. You’ve got the talent, the looks, and most importantly, the name.”
Blaze sat sinking into the couch while taking all the information in. Though Louis’s story was crazy, Blaze knew it was true. She could feel the lesbian in her growing more potent every second. But some things were still unclear.
“I have two questions.”
“Sure”
“First, why are ‘high powered lesbians’ trying to stop me?”
“Why else Blaze? Jealousy. They don’t want to lose their status as hotties. They know you will trump them all and no one will ever drool over them on Tumblr again. Next question.”
“Was Emily Dickinson really a lesbian?”
“Seriously? Have you read one, just one, of her poems?”
“Okay, okay. So I will have power over every girl on the planet?”
“All the ones with short nails, yes. Also I’m sure you’ll help thousands of women realize they’re a little higher on the Kinsey Scale than they realized.”
“Incredible.”
“Yes. Now, before we begin, I need to step out for a second to make a phone call.”
Louis left the store and briskly walked across the street to where Jodie was parked. He strode up so quickly Jodie hardly had time to react. He knocked on her window and Jodie dropped her sandwich into her lap, Louis motioned for Jodie to roll the window down. Sweaty and sandwichy, Jodie rolled the window down.
“Hello Louis.”
“Hello Jodie. I suppose you’re here to stop me?”
“I’m here to stop her.”
“Well you can’t, Jodie. And I’ll tell you why: Blaze is unstoppable, you’re too late. By next week she’ll be so popular she’ll make Lady Gaga look like Vanilla Ice.”
“No! Lady Gaga has 40 million followers and Vanilla Ice has approximately 170k! Statistically speaking that’s impossible. Blaze would have more fans than Earth’s current population!”
“Exactly. Damn Jodie, you might be a pussy, but you’re good at mental math.”
“Thank you, it’s easier when you put it all in scientific notation.”
“How did you know Lady Gaga’s and Vanilla Ice’s followers off the top of your head?”
“That’s all you do when you’re a celebrity — see who’s winning the Twitter game.”
“So if I asked you any celebrity, you could tell me how many followers they have on Twitter?”
“Yes.”
“Jessica Alba.”
“Six and a half million.”
“Dave Chappelle”
“416k”
“The lead singer of Fall Out Boy. No! Lead singer of Blink 182.”
“His name is Tom DeLonge and he’s ten thousand shy of half a mil.”
“Damn Jodie, you’re good. It’s too bad I have to kill you.”
Louis pulled a gun from the back of his pants, but before he could get anywhere close to aiming, Jodie’s quick reflexes from years of action movies led her to slam on the gas and the car screeched away, knocking Louis to the ground in the process. By the time he got back up, Jodie was long gone.
“No matter,” said Louis as he dusted himself off and walked back inside.
Check back next week for Intense Lesbian Fanfiction: Part Two! It’ll be INTENSE.
Pages: 1 2 3 4See entire article on one page
” Portia was sleeping quietly at her feet.”
That’s all I needed. Excellent.
This is everything I ever wanted and so much more.
this is excellent, keep them coming!
I laughed through the whole thing, but “Thank you, it’s easier when you put it all in scientific notation.” really took my little engineer heart away. Hilarious
My dreams are coming true. Jodie Foster and Silence of the Lamb references.. aww yessss! The queer powah is strong in this one!
I love it! I hope that this will become more absurdist and hilarious. I’m looking forward to the next instalment of fear fuelled action! ;)
“Inside the car, Jodie Foster nervously ate a Subway sandwich.”
How I Met Your Mother gives this sentence a whole new meaning.
oh my god. so good.
Ooh
Um.
Oh my god.
This is incredible. This can’t be real. This is amazing.
So… are you gonna keep slagging on every femme presenting women character in your story and writing every non-femme presenting women character as super empowered? Or is that just a magical coincidence?
I can’t believe this exists :D
THIS IS AMAZING. Also pro tip: do not read in the library if you are uncomfortable receiving strange looks in response to your uncontrollable chuckling.
I feel that way about at least half of the things I read here. And I love it!
I love this so much!
That is so so great! I’m looking forward to the next chapter! So cool!
Dyke D. Eisenhower – totally gonna steal this.
DO US PROUD MELANIE
:)
Oh my god, how much do I wish that there were actually a giant lesbian celebrity phone tree and that they call each other every time someone new comes out!? I seriously need that to be a real thing.
Nice …
Uh…ok…
“Portia was sleeping quietly at her feet”
“Portia, at her feet, looked up with scared eyes.
“Shhhh, shhhhh,” Ellen said and pet Portia’s cute short haircut. “It’s okay girl, go back to sleep.”
Portia dutifully put her head back down.”
Portia as a pet? This gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. I know it’s fiction but how is it ok to turn her into that?
This made me really uncomfortable too.
I logged in for the sole purpose of writing what you just did. This made me incredibly sick to my stomach, fiction or not this is misogynistic AS FUCK!
I do think this piece has some problems with femme-presenting women, but I just want to give my perspective on the pet thing since I interpreted it a different way. I have no idea how much the author(s) or readers & commenters know about BDSM, but in the BDSM community there is a thing called pet play (aka pony play, kitten play, puppy play, etc.) and it basically means both partners consensually agree that one partner (the submissive) will act/be treated as a pet of some sort (i.e. they may sleep at their dominant’s feet, their dom may pet them, etc.). This is all on the sub’s terms and not meant as a sign of disrespect at all. So anyway, maybe because I’ve got one foot in the BDSM world, that was how I pictured the Ellen/Portia thing, which made it seem cute. I understand, however, that the author probably didn’t intend that/most of you didn’t read it that way.
And I would be perfectly okay with this being D/s thing (far be it from me to yuck anyone’s yum and all), but if that’s the case, it needs to clearly stated and labeled that way. Especially given the misogyny that femme presenting people experience in queer communities. That is what, in my mind, makes the difference between degradation and domination in mainstream porn and erotica and porn and erotica that is explicit and aware of the dynamics they’re presenting.
Yeah I totally get that. It would have been more responsible to like make that evident if that was the point because, like you said, there is so much misogyny both inside and outside of the LGBT community.
what amanda said is how i felt when i read it. fanfic is often sexual fantasy, and it plays with a lot of different styles of sex and play and usually dom/sub stuff. (the author references EL james in her bio.) to me personally, this whole piece felt hyperbolic and overblown and goofy but also consensual? sex in fiction is rarely politically correct or ethical. sex itself isn’t, either. obviously this story isn’t for everybody, and that’s okay, but maybe that doesn’t also mean there’s anything wrong with it. maybe it does need a warning at the top, like leigh said, i don’t know. but some femmes (myself included) do enjoy sexual fantasies like that and these reactions, not the story, is what makes my stomach hurt.
I really like bdsm and kink (in fiction and in life) and I don’t know how the author intended it, but for me there was no sense at all that the Portia as a pet was consensual play.
I felt like there was some kind of point being made about the nature of celebrity and maybe I’m wrong but it was really uncomfortable for me to read and I found it dehumanising to Portia.
I never intended to imply that there was anything wrong with pet play or femmes who enjoy pet play. However, I can totally see how my comment came across that way and I’m sorry for that.
Not to “yuck anyone’s yum” here, but if it’s a matter of D/s relationships, it REALLY needs to be explicitly communicated. You wouldn’t enter a D/s relationship without communicating it with your partner, right? The author has that obligation to their readers just as well.
Firefly, I didn’t interpret your comment as anti-BDSM at all (although others might have). I was just offering another perspective because something felt off to me about this piece, but I didn’t realize that I had interpreted the Portia/Ellen thing in such a specific way/breezed past that scene until reading the comments. Thanks for being so gracious though. I appreciate hearing other people’s thoughts about the dynamic and the piece as a whole.
I commend Autostraddle for courageously publishing this exposé of the celesbian kyriarchy.
The piece balances hard-hitting journalism with nuanced portrayals of those involved, so that while we may never forget the dangers posed by the shadowy sapphic cabal that runs our lives, we might, at last, begin to understand them.
I look forward to further instalments, which I hope are written with the same level of integrity.
When I saw this I was like, “what the fuck?” but in a good way
Best thing ever! Can’t wait for part 2.
This is amazing. OMG. I can’t wait for the next installment!!!
Indeed, this is the best thing.
This is hands down the most disgusting thing I’ve read on AS. The dehumanization of Portia, the constant pussy slander, “actual boy” (like seriously, wtf is that supposed to mean??)
Also, whisky and whiskey are two separate things.
I’m not sure if the amateur writing-style was purposeful, orrrrr… But, umm, yeah, I don’t think I’ll be waiting for Part Two. I couldn’t get past Chapter Three or something =\
^ Echoing comments above in feeling uncomfortable with Portia being treated as a dog, and having the word “PUSSY” used in a demeaning way.
Yes, amateur is a good word for it. The amount of typos/spelling errors was a little too high for me and the lack of social awareness was also upsetting. I really didn’t like the “pussy” thing either.
Yeah, I think overall, that was the biggest turn-off with this piece – the shoddy quality of writing. I mean, I have literally shed tears reading some exquisite fanfiction, and you’d think a website with such a talented staff of writers would have something better as their ‘ground-breaking’ fiction series.
This makes me curious as to how this writer in particular was selected. I don’t recall seeing a call for fiction writers to submit.
“When I did a reading at Carnegie Mellon, he was there. He was in the business school. He’s pretty chatty. He was telling me about his internship in Hell the summer before.”
CMU alum here, crying from laughter. This sounds like all the business school students I knew.
autostraddle, i’m a long term reader and usually i’m of the opinion that you can do no wrong… but what’s going on with the whole portia as a dog thing here? is it supposed to be some kind of comment about how femmes are inherently subservient?
i don’t want to be oversensitive but this whole post made me feel sick. there’s absurd and then there’s gross. honestly what were you guys thinking?
There is nothing “oversensitive” about your feelings regarding this post! Many of us agree with you and our reactions to this fanfic shitshow are valid <3
No, I’m incredibly disappointed with the quality of writing and the misogyny in this piece. I’d expect this level of trash on virtually any other website except this one.
I may be reading this wrongly, but I think they’re taking the piss of the subservient femme stereotype that sometimes does exist in lesbian fiction/fanfiction by playing it up to such an absurd extent. I seriously doubt that they actually think femmes should sleep on rugs at their girlfriends feet, ya know?
“IT’S NOT ABOUT OUR MOMS”
perfs…I am nervously and quietly awaiting Part Two with masterly baited breath
This is simply the thing I’ve been waiting for that I didn’t know I was waiting for.
I really like the idea of original fiction on AS. This one isn’t really my jam, in part because of the femme=hyperweak issue pointed out by DJ and others above, and the whole celebrity fanfic thing feels uncomfortable to me. I’m always very excited to see more of Rory’s illustrations, though! They seem to be uncredited here.
parts of this are very funny, but yeah, what’s with slamming femmes?
and isn’t pussy, like, why we get up in the morning/not an insult?
exactly my sentiment as well
“and isn’t pussy, like, why we get up in the morning/not an insult?”
for reals though.
I love that AS is posting fiction, and I can’t wait for more. As others said above this particular story has a lot of problematic thing going on.
Am I the only one crushing on Blaze?
Also, my name is Katie so we’re like same-sames
Ha! This is fairly brilliant, more please!
I’ve read tons of fanfiction for reasons… *
When I first saw this story, I was like, “Yes! Lesbian fanfiction endorsed by Autostraddle.”
I have searched high and very low for lesbian fanfiction.
Once I realized I hadn’t found the holy grail of lesbian fanfiction, but a satire, I embraced this story. I’m looking forward to the next part.
*I will never read E.L. James
*slow claps*
this has everything i love in a fanfic. a fall out boy reference if there is no fall out boy, art, ellen degeneres and cute dykes! :D
also “I SAID GO TO SLEEP” made me laugh forever.
i’m so happy about this and want lots and lots more