Breaking news broke yesterday that Amber Heard, world’s most conventionally attractive queer lady, is no longer allegedly dating Johnny Depp and is now allegedly dating a hot French model named Marie de Villepin. Bastions of journalistic integrity, including but not limited to The New York Post and The Daily Mail, have reported that the winsome duo have been spotted doing things like “enjoying a date night,” “riding scooters,” and “having animated conversations.”
Amber Heard with Marie Streiss at the Quest Love Food With Graham Elliot Launch Party in May 2012
Although Amber Heard is approximately two inches shy of her maybe-girlfriend, the two ladies share nearly identical measurements, including shoe size, which should offer the maybe-couple lots of opportunities for clothes-swapping. Like perhaps they could take turns wearing this ensemble:
If you’ve forgotten to keep constant tabs on the whereabouts of Amber Heard’s head and heart, this news may come as a shock, like a comet bursting through the night sky or an earthquake corrupting the ground below your naive sockless feet. But this news has been developing slowly, like film in the 90’s.
For example, in December, upstanding celebrity journalist Perez Hilton noted that “Amber Heard Can’t Commit to Johnny Depp; Only Wants His Pirate Sword!?!” Hilton quoted an unnamed but undoubtedly reliable “source” on the matter:
“Johnny and Amber have been having a lot of fun spending time with one another, but Amber keeps telling him she’s not interested in being with him in a monogamous relationship. She says she feels she’s too young for him, but the main factor is Amber prefers dating women over men and has no interest in committing to a guy — even if he is Johnny Depp!
Amber is a free spirit when it comes to love, and refuses to label herself as gay, or even bi-sexual, but it’s a fact that she is more attracted to women than men and the most meaningful relationships she has had to date have been with same sex partners. Johnny and Amber get along great as friends with benefits, but where she’s concerned, that’s as far as it goes.”
An anonymous source speaking from the great beyond notes that “Johnny Depp is sort of lesbianish though,” presenting this old photograph of evidence of his Sapphicism:
Another anonymous source suggested that perhaps “Amber Heard read that Effing Dykes post about getting finger-banged by a girl with a Gemstoned Manicure and feared Johnny Depp’s weird hands and nails”:
Prior to allegedly dating Johnny Depp, Amber Heard enjoyed a confirmed two-year relationship with gorgeous tall photographer Tasya van Ree, during which time she came out publicly.
The relationship was notable for many reasons, however, including that it enabled van Ree to take a million photographs of Amber Heard, because she’s a photographer and that’s what photographers do, they take photographs. Click click click.
Amber Heard and Tasya Van Ree also enjoyed going out into public wearing outfits:
In fact, Amber Heard and Tasya Van Ree, despite their tragic split, wore outfits together in November 2012 at the opening of the “Stephen Webster Hosts Tasya Van Ree ‘Replica’ Exhibition” in Los Angeles, which means they’re still friends. Isn’t it nice when people remain friends?
November 8, 2012 – Stephen Webster Hosts Tasya Van Ree ‘Replica’ Exhibition
We were lucky enough to interview Amber Heard during her first homosexual outing in 2010, the 25th Anniversary of GLAAD Event, during which she was surely charmed by our Supreme Media Team:
Moving forward in this legendary and possibly untrue tale, we return to the post’s impetus: Amber Heard’s allegedly budding romance with fellow 26-year-old Marie Galouzeau de Villepin. Marie Galouzeau de Villepin is the offspring of former French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin and the face of Givenchy, which is a famous brand-name perfume of some sort that I’ve never seen on sale at Target.
After earning a “license” law degree from a French university and participating in other scholarly pursuits such as “studying philosophy,” de Villepin moved to New York and became a model and actress and the lead singer of Pinkmist. She initially modeled under the name Marie Steiss, not wanting people to think she was using her father’s position to get ahead.
“French Prime Minister Dominique De Villepin (R) watches his daughter Marie casting her vote, 22 April 2007 in Paris for the first round of the French presidential election.” (FRANCK FIFE/AFP/Getty Images)
In a 2006 interview with ELLE magzine, Marie noted that she got into fashion to “escape” “claustrophobic society”: “I wasn’t happy with what I was being and what I was doing. I’d seen things people in their forties haven’t seen, but I felt stuck. I could see where it was going — I had to do my five years at university, graduate, find a husband, have kids, be a housewife… I was miserable, seriously. I had a lot of imagination and I wanted my life to be an adventure…. travel the world and meet amazing people.” When asked about boyfriends in the same ELLE interview, Marie “giggles” and says “That’s a bit intimate. Nobody has my heart right now except my father and my brother.” In 2009, she reportedly dated Yoann Gourcuff, a football/soccer player.
While researching the history of this storied union, I found myself enmeshed in a web of reportedly homosexy blonde European fashion models, which’s a delightful web to find oneself enmeshed in, if one must enmesh in some kind of web. (For example, I prefer this web to spider webs.) Prior to Amber Heard, de Villepin was linked to blonde bisexual Danish actress/producer/model/etc Rie Rasmussen, who once commented that she only modeled in the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show because she “like everybody else, wanted to fuck a supermodel, and I did.”
Marie & Rie
Rie Rasmussen has also been linked by unreliable sources to Italian model Eva Riccobono, who, like everybody in this post, is white, 5’10 and blonde. Due to my inability to read Italian or the Google-Translated version of Italian, I’m unable to confirm if that rumor is substantiated or perhaps completely irrevocably false, but here’s a provocative photograph anyhow:
Eva Riccobono by Ellen von Unwerth
We return now to the story of Conventionally Hot Amber Heard, who attended The Art of Elysium’s 6th Annual HEAVEN Gala on January 12th with Marie de Villepin:
According to a source I just invented in my head, the two went home after the event and braided each other’s hair in the bathtub.
xoxo
Gossip Girl
I care way, way too much about this information. Thanks so much for breaking it down for me– how could I not have been up to day on Amber Heard’s dating history!
Thank you for my reminder to take the time to stare at Amber Heard. I hadn’t done it awhile.
This is the most brilliant presentation of an alleged celebrity romance I have ever read.
Also, I have loved Amber Heard since Hidden Palms (that CW summer show that lasted 8 episodes? I’m probably the only person who watched it. Had a great opening credits song.) and have chosen to see all of her relationships with people who are not me as character-building experiences that will prepare her for us.
Also also, I’m really creepy.
I just laughed so loud at the ending of this. Can all celeb gossip be reported in this way from now on?
THIS!
Ahah I’m French, I had no idea De Villepin’s daughter was queer ^^ This is going to be big news – since my country is in the middle of a big debate on same-sex marriage and adoption (the vote is on Jan 29 btw).
Oh and also, everyone I know (I mean, everyone who cares,and that isn’t so many people after all) thinks Yoann Gourcuff, alledgedly Marie DV’s ex-boyfriend is actually gay. So maybe they were alibis…
ALSO ALSO, the italian stuff means “I like to be watched. Making someone excited is the most exciting thing ever.” but in a sexual way (I don’t know if English “excited” has that sexual double-meaning). And the rest of the text is just about her career as a singer and an actress. Nothing gossipy as far as I can see. ;) (thank god French and Italian are so close bwahahahaha).
Meh, De Villepin is not relevant in the political and media world anymore (is he even still active in politics?) and pretty much no one has ever heard of his daughter so I’d be very surprised if this makes the news. And even if it does, I’d be even more surprised if it gets linked to the current fight for queer rights or his daughter goes against his (former?) party’s current position on the issue by taking a stand instead of saying what all the queer French public figures always say when pressed on the issue – “oh I think people are entitled to their opinion, marriage/kids is not for me” etc. AND if she actually does that, I’d be mega-surprised if people actually care.
French people just aren’t nearly as invested in (French) celebrities’ private lives or look up to them the way American people do.
Yep, it’s true that French people don’t look up to queer celebrities that much. And those queer figures tend to not talk about it or they just don’t stand for anything. It’s changing though, we’re starting to have gay comedians who discuss queer issues (Shirley Souagnon, Océannerosemarie…)etc. …
De Villepin is not very active politically (he left the UMP, the dominant right wing political party) and is more or less retired. However, he enjoys a great degree of “prestige” and popularity among the moderate fringe of the electorate (especially those who were disappointed by Sarkozy’s ultra right wing turn). Those are more progressive on social issues and are usually not as opposed to same sex marriage and adoption. At least they’re not engaged in a crusade against queers.
If it makes it to the news, and you’re right it might not (but I’ll try and spread it ^^) it might bring him to publicly support the law and his daughter, and help show that some people on the right of the political spectrum are pro same-sex marriage. We need this, because on the left, everybody agress and the opposition is terribly homophobic and has a very violent discourse on homosexuality.
Our political culture is very different (I lived in both countries) and we love to talk, just for the sake of arguing all night long.
SHIRLEY SOUAGNON IS GAY? She made me “ping” so hard but I wasn’t sure, I love her! Now that’s a news I care about, off to google her :D
Moi j’la connaisais pas au paravant mais maintenant, elle m’interesse…elle est super adorable et cute mais bof…
Also, she can make me laugh and moan. Thats an accomplishment only few have ever done.
Je me demandais d’ou ce nom m’etait familier…
That is funny indeed. :P
And many yeses to being friends after the relationship. How they make that work and actually keep contact do tell me because I want to know.
I must be the only person who doesn’t think Amber ever dated Johnny Depp. It was just rumours from people who wished she wasn’t actually into girls, because she doesn’t “look” like she dates girls.
Anyway, her new “rumoured” girlfriend is really pretty. Geddit, Amber.
I second this. All of this.
But how is dating Johnny Depp suppose to take away the previous relationship with the photographer girlfriend? *Confused @ comment*
I don’t think her dating Johnny Depp in anyway negates her relationships with women.
I think the point is there is no actual proof of her “dating” Johnny Depp. It’s all gossip and rumors imo there’s no pictures of them together.
In a world filled with doubt, duplicity and misinformation, my heart swells with admiration when I see there are still some heroic souls committed to investigating the real issues that affect every one of us, with the journalistic integrity all should strive for.
Thank you, Riese, thank you.
This was awesome! Thanks for the laughs Riese!
Models gay as fuh
Needs more Evan Rachel Wood bisexual, for total SEO domination.
Always!
Hilarious jabs at the trashy gossip rags we all love to hate + Amber Heard’s face/everything = perfect post.
Because I apparently have nothing better to do at work at 4:15pm on a Friday, I read both the NY Post and Daily Mail articles and this is my favorite:
“How does a woman do better than the sexiest man alive? For Amber Heard, it’s a woman.”
Yes, exactly.
You are doing god’s work.
Cool so I’m just going to look at these photos over and over again for the rest of my work day.
I want to be a model.
Super relevant to my interest, thanks Riese!
Also, now they went on a scooter ride… in freaking Paris… adorbs!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2264406/Amber-Heard-rumoured-girlfriend-Marie-Villepin-enjoy-cinema-date-night-Paris.html
Here’s another story of them “in the City of Love and Lights”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2263592/Bisexual-Amber-Heard-rumoured-French-girlfriend-Marie-Villepin-touch-City-Love-Lights.html
This is incredible.
I appreciate this
xoxo
Homoboi
I should have known that the place to get the real news is here, on Autostraddle. At least all the news that is relevant to my interests.
Any chance of Riese giving us a regular gossip roundup? Or at least regularly stalking Amber Heard and posting pics of same?
Wait.
Blonde?
5’10”?
RIESE, YOU’RE IN WITH A CHANCE
omg i didn’t even realize that when i was writing it because they look so different from me in every other way BUT YOU’RE RIGHT HUZZAH
Oh, my crush deepens
Riese, I am as cynical as anyone. If the description of Marie adjusting Amber’s helmet and then the two taking a nighttime drive down the Champs Elysees had been all, I would have been rolling my eyes figuring out it was clearly an invention. After all, could such a romantic happening really occur. But those photos that actually capture that happening have melted my hard heart.
Best article I’ve ever read.
Oh thank the gods of the Lesbyterian Church. I was worried that she was dating nasty icky hobo-licking Johnny Depp.
I mean, he talented but he nasty. He looks like he bathes himself with Oscar the Grouch’s discarded loofahs. You know how you make a Johnny Depp costume? Don’t bathe for a month then put on every accessory you can find in your house.
Tall blonde French model lady is an upgrade.
Although I disagree with your premise because Johnny Depp is one of the few dudes I like to look at, these: “He looks like he bathes himself with Oscar the Grouch’s discarded loofahs. You know how you make a Johnny Depp costume? Don’t bathe for a month then put on every accessory you can find in your house” are among the funniest sentences I’ve read in a while.
oh my god. that daily mail article is absurdly, gloriously exhaustive in its detail. it reads like fanfiction, but with, like, photos! “As the actress wrapped her hands around her rumoured love interest’s waist, Marie expertly mastered the roads of Paris as she darted through the traffic.” hahaha i can’t help but love this.
Oh my god you need to read more of the daily mail. It writes about celebrities talking on the phone or buying tampons in this same exact way, it is so bizarre. Sometimes the writer will imagine what the celebrity is thinking about.
OMG, I just had a visual that somebody needs to make happen: Popsicle-like tampons for queer girls, so they could break & share them with their date/GF.
Would definitely be a thing to add to this list >>> http://www.autostraddle.com/steps-every-queer-can-take-to-improve-chances-of-getting-laid-54020/
Take it. Break it. Share it. Love it.
NOOOOO. There always needs to be less reading of the daily mail as they’re basically the most homophobic paper over here in britain.
oh la la !!
I want to get all my news from you.
Riese, this is hilarious and amazing.
This is brilliant, especially since I never heard about the Johnny Depp thing so I can go resume the mindset that it never happened.
Yes me too!
Oh wow Johnny Depp and his Sapphicishism.
My heart is confused.
For a little more insight on the overall situation, I could maybe add that Dominique de Villepin, who was Jacques Chirac Prime Minister, has been known for his incredibly stupid stubbornness upon a strike movement that united students and workers alike against a law project. The main cause for contestation was that it allowed companies to fire workers under the age of 26 without a warning and without a motive during the two first years of this infamous contract – called the CPE for all that matters. Dominique de Villepin refused any social dialogue even though it was one of the biggest movement France has seen in years, and if at some point 39 universities were on strike. He then alledgedly pronounced the very elegant statement that “France is a bitch, you have to take it from behind”. (Good side of the story, we won and the law was abrogated before it even had a chance to do any damage)
Well, even weirder, since he politically and personally hated Nicolas Sarkozy (and probably for many other reasons), he tried to run against him in the 2012 election, and during his prematurely aborted campaign he defended ideas such as universal minimal income, which even in France might be considered by many as an extremely leftie thing to say. He surprised many people since at that time his party (UMP) was introducing laws that stated “let’s forbid foreign students who just got their diplomas to work in our country” and “why not cut taxes retroactively and give back an tremendous amount of money to people who are already tremendously rich”.
Well, that wasn’t very interesting at all, but to make up for it I could also add that at least three gals I know spotted Marie de Villepin in parisian lesbian clubs, which indoubtebly makes her lesbianity a fact because nobody is shouting “OBJECTION – hearsay !” as deliciously as deliciously as Alicia Florrick in front of me and therefore preventing me for writing these gossipy lines.
Johnny boy. Gotta work on your Edward Scissoring Hands
“Riding scooters.” Mm hm.
Reise, this is the best celeb gossip article ever invented
This is all I needed to know to function as a whole person today, thank you
I’m so super glad this was written.
LOL. Does this mean we’ve “arrived” when lesbian celebrity gossip is considered “news”?
I love reading gossip on the weekend. AND this was particularly funny and cute. For more fashion lesbianish news, gossip hounds should google news about Jenna Lyons, the J-Crew creative director.
An anonymous source from the great beyond huh? Nice one :)
U know this type of news is very important. Without it the world might stop spinning and we may all have to get off (snigger).
But before checking out let me just say that I’d also like to fuck a gorgeous model.
I love how Perez Hilton is just unable to believe that some people do not like men. He’s legitimately SHOCKED at the fact that Amber Heard preferred women over that old dude.
It will forever scare me how he never writers about Amber’s supposed relationship with a woman she shared a Scooter with in the most romantic way, and yet he says she’s dating Depp because they were on the same plane together.
Heterosexist society, sigh.
Ooooo it was all so sexy AND THEN I WAS REMINDED OF THAT ARTICLE. Now Edward Scissorhands is ruined too. I have legit PTSD from that Effing Dykes post.
YES Amber! I love her.
Also, in regards to that interview, can I just say that, as a woman who is 6’0″, being called an “amazon” is actually the worst. I find it really insulting and I imagine that most other tall women do too. I’ll never understand the fascination people have with pointing out to me that I’m tall, as if I’m unaware and don’t live in my body everyday.
im the black amber heard
Johnny Depp is OFFICIALLY an OLD FOOL! Vanessa Paradis must be in heaven over this news….snicker…snicker!!!