I’m Sorry But You Still Can’t Have These Marshmallows

When you woke up this morning you were probs thinking, “This day seems hella promising and all, but you know what’s missing? Marshmallows that look like cats peering out from my hot chocolate.” And then I bet your face fell a little and your girlfriend boo bear babydoll was like, “Bay-abe, whatsamatter?” You wanted to spare her any unnecessary despair so you just plastered on that brave face and pretended you were ok, which was so thoughtful of you and really, you’re nothing if not thoughtful.

But you weren’t ok.

You weren’t and you aren’t, because you still — even now in this very moment and even though this has been going on for well over three years — exist in a space without marshmallows that look like cats peering out from your hot chocolate, and you’ll continue to live in that space because you can’t move to Japan, where those lucky bastards have THIS:

kitten marshmallows

Sweet lord have mercy. Cafe Cat Marshmallows.

Now I know you’re trying to stop yourself from falling into the old trap of What Did I Ever Do To Deserve Such a Shitting Upon??!, but I say go ahead and fall. Go ahead and let yourself feel pity for yourself, because this is a harsh fucking reality, and you have indeed been shat upon. You can’t have these marshmallows. Not today and not tomorrow. They’re only barely available in Japan and based on reader surveys and my innate ability to generalize, you don’t live in Japan. Yes what did you ever do to deserve such a shitting upon, friend?

Perhaps one day, when your heart is at its purest and your intentions at their most worthy, you’ll find yourself face to face with a marshmallow that looks like a cat peering out from your hot chocolate. Not today, but maybe someday. Until then you should probably just figure out how to make your own because these things have been floating around (HA) for a few years now and still aren’t available in this sad, pathetic, Not Japan place.

While you’re sitting around feeling sorry for your pathetic marshmallow-cat-less soul, you might as well know that you also can’t have any Bacon Mustard Doritos today. Or any day.

I’m so sorry. We’ll find a way to get through this together. Maybe you could try to make your own kitty paw marshmallows?

SIGH.

P.S. No, now isn’t the time to bring up Kinder Eggs. You know how you get when you think about Kinder Eggs.

P.S.S. Wait, maybe you can. You should probably send Britta an edible arrangement.

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Laneia

Laneia has written 311 articles for us.

59 Comments

  1. I hope somebody who lives in Japan reads this and posts a picture of themselves with a cafe cat marshmallow

    i also hope that everyone everywhere reads this, in general

    • OMG! I’m often feeling sad that I am in Japan and thus faraway from exciting AS events and a very visible queer community (though 3000+ people showed up last weekend for the Rainbow Pride parade! This is serious progress–go, Tokyo!).

      This is some solace. I am totally ordering those kitties and will dedicate them to all of you.

      • Where in Japan are you? I’m in Tokyo! We should eat some cute marshmallows together sometime!

        • I was in Tokyo up until last month, but moved to Osaka at the beginning of April. Actually, I considered trying to put together a couple of AS get-togethers while I was in Tokyo but chickened out cause I thought nobody would show but me and my gf.

          But anyways, an idea: maybe we could put together like a Autostraddlers-in-Japan facebook page or something like that and just see if we can build a little community? what do y’all think?

      • I demand a guest post! (Preferably from the perspective of the marshmallows!)

    • Was gonna say the same thing, ebay and sometimes amazon have these amazing food products we dont usually find here in the States like green tea kitkat which my local Japanese store happily carries. =) hm, i should go check that store for these on my day off too!!

      • I looked at the ebay post. Im not entirely sure it has the cute kitty one that peers out at you but it does say you get choco and vanilla ones. I think it means its paws -.- LOL. Search on? Dont worry Laneia if they have it at the Jap store I go to i’ll buy it and bring it to camp.

      • I’m going to check the Seattle uwajimaya and if they don’t have it in stock, ask them to very nicely.

    • Ok but $50 though.
      I don’t know how committed I am to marshmallow cat soft cafe box with cat pad cute candy? hahaha.

  5. coming soon to the autostraddle merch store!

    you guys could totally make these marshmallows a reality! i believe in you. with all the crafting y’all do? didnt someone on this website once teach us how to make underpants from an old shirt and a paper bag? i mean come on. you got this.

  6. i sincerely hope that for somebody, somewhere, this is the first autostraddle article they ever read.

  8. I am in Japan, actually! If I can find any of these (no idea where to look…), I’ll nab ’em and bring them with me to Dyke Weekend … but that starts tomorrow so I don’t have much time to go looking.

    • Me too! Now I want to go to Dyke weekend instead of have hours of intensive japanese, sigh, intensive dyking sounds much better
      {(-_-)}

  9. I’m in Japan too :3 I’ve never seen these anywhere and I’m a bit tempted to order from the website, but 860 yen for only six marshmallows is too rich for my blood ;_;

    • It’s like they bought the marshmallows, and were like, this is all I need – I could stick this into a cup of brown tinged water and make it a beautiful thing!

    • I feel like it might be coffee. I could do with some kitten marshmallows in my coffee. A catpuccino perhaps?

    • It’s probably coffee. On the website they say “marshmallows are sweet, so don’t put them in a sweet drink.” Hot chocolate with marshmallows isn’t a big thing in Japan; they’re missing out :))

  11. They also have cat cafes in Japan which are probably the most brilliant invention of all time but probably can’t exist in the US. I just want to love on cats while drinking coffee!

  13. Ok so I’m bringing up kinder eggs because I am so willing to post you them from here in grey miserable England, where they are the only joy in a marshmallow cat-less life, but I think customs would just x-ray the box and I’d get banned from the US and never be able to come to A camp, which is frankly a major life ambition. I achieved 2 of my others recently so I’m hopeful, granted one of them was to be able to use the damn Uni photocopier..

    • Nooo! It’s totally fine to send chocolate, you just have to write it on that little tiny declaration form they stick on the envelope. And Kinder eggs would cost pennies to send because they are as light as air, on account of being made out of it.

      (This claim to knowledge of customs is based on carrying things on my person rather than posting them, but I can’t imagine the law would be different.)

    • When the paws melt the ‘padding’ part stays. I saw a couple of pix arpund the internet

  15. ‘They’re only barely available in Japan and based on reader surveys and my innate ability to generalize, you don’t live in Japan.’

    haha this is hilarious and sad all at the same time

  16. Ok ok, as a girl totally living in a Is Japan Place, I sympathize with your not-eating-cute-kitty-cat marshmallows predicament.

    That having been said! I have to point out two things that are completely missing from this Is Japan Place:

    1) My favorite pickles… seriously, I went as far as contacting the company and also trying to get my favorite supermarket to import them for me…. no luck :(

    2) My beloved and not-at-all-marshmallow but actually very real cat Zinfandel.

    Please somebody bring me my kitty??? I miss her.

    • also I wanted to embed a picture of Zinfandel here for everybody to see how adorable she is, but I never tried to post a pic in a comment before, and was worried it would just end up as just garble. The picture has to already appear on the net somewhere, right? help??

      • How long are you in japan for? There’s a foster cat program that is great. I just got my foster cat about a month ago. I’m thinking of adopting him but I’m not sure how long I will be here (all I know is I love it). If you can’t foster a cat you can cuddle mine!

        • My status in Japan is actually pretty permanent now, as I just took up a faculty position in Osaka. I heard about the foster program and once visited one of their adoption shows back when I lived in Tokyo. The only thing is, I was once told that almost no apartment complexes in Japan allows you to have a cat, so you pretty much have to own a house. But maybe that’s not true??

          Aww… I’d love to meet your cat! Are you in Tokyo? I’m visiting for golden week this Sunday and Monday if there’s any chance you would be around. Monday afternoon would probably be easiest for me?

          • I’m moving with a cat right now (in Osaka, actually! Welcome to the area!) and when we went to the real estate agent he pretty much outright told us that most people who keep cats here just don’t tell their landlord. We ended up taking a no-pet place and just keeping our fingers crossed. We did actually find a fair amount of pet-ok places around, but it does definitely narrow your options a bit. You’re welcome to cuddle my cat if you want to, though :D

        • Laura, that’s so awesome you’re also in Osaka, and thanks for the cat advice. We do at least have a bunch of strays that live here on my University campus, however their a pretty skittish bunch (not surprisingly).

          I’d love to get together sometime if you’re up for it :)

          How about this: ALL Japan people who are interested in talking or maybe meeting up, please send me an email at: [email protected]

          and I’ll try to organize something… maybe we can have an AS get-together for real!

      • I also did not tell my landlords about my kitty. You probably could get kicked out but most likely wouldn’t. I’m in tokyo yes! I just moved apartments yesterday though so everything is a mess. I may be able to meet Monday afternoon. I’ll send you my number!

  17. Unless you are in canada and probably elsewhere that isn’t the US, you also don’t get gingerbread oreos. Which are 1000x better than regular oreos!

  19. I am one of those weird breeds of gaymos that don’t like cats (PLEASE DON’T BURN ME AT THE STAKE I BEG OF YOU!?!?)but as I sat here in a non-Japan place and read this article I questioned my whole life and lack of cat marshmallows and wondered if all those times I stared off into queer-space and my girlfriend asked “what’s wrong Sugar-tits” (well, maybe that nickname was added in later), it was really all because I don’t have these in my life… I guess I’ll never know…

  20. I read the title and was all “Pff, marshmallows are disgusting”, and then I saw the marshmallows in question, and now there are marshmallows in the world that I want but I don’t want to want and I can’t have even if I did want to want them. Bitches.

  21. when i move away from ohio at the end of this month, one of my regrets is that i will no longer be a short drive from jungle jim’s, where i can get kinder eggs and mozart balls and pocky and pretz and halvah and random root beers all in one place. i bet they could get those marshmallows. i feel one last trip coming on…

  22. I can’t have any marshmallows, because i’m vegetarian. Think about the painful reality of THAT for a second.

    • I second this immensely, I ended up on a rampage for sugary goodness the other night, and I got all excited because they had sugar free/gluten free/everything else except gelatine free marshmallows but no veg marshmallows! I have so many feelings about the fact that tasty snacks are often sugar free/fat free/gluten free etc but still contain animal products :(

  23. thankfully I live in Germany where I can eat all of the Kinder Eggs (and Riegel) all the time!

Comments are closed.