Did I waste my 20s??

Q

Hey y’all, I am struggling a bit with how to word this… But how can I deal with the nagging ever-present feeling that I wasted my 20s? I am 32 now, and my therapist as well as my older friends assure me that I’m actually still young. I guess that’s true, but I don’t feel young. I have chronic pain and trauma and (I suspect) I feel older than my peers. I missed the alleged fun that young adulthood had to offer working long hours, in a suffocating toxic relationship, and overall “being responsible”. I feel torn because, as a personality, I am drawn to the stable and the quiet. I want a secure relationship. But it hurts that I missed out on my carefree years and my “slutty phase”. I’m afraid it will never be my turn to “have fun.” Advice much appreciated!

A

Eva: While I am still in my twenties, I assure you that there is so much more life left to live. The vast majority of my friends are older than me, and a lot of them did not really start having fun until their 30s. Personally, I cannot wait to finally hit the legendary 3-0. I grew up watching 13 Going on 30 starring Jennifer Garner on loop. “Thirty, Flirty and Thriving” has been etched into my psyche all my life, and as I reach the end of my twenties, it could not ring more true. Your thirties are the decade where adulting makes more sense because you’ve already gone through a series of mistakes and/or mishaps. So you did not have a slutty phase, that’s okay! You probably have a lot less sexual trauma than those who did. You experienced a suffocatingly toxic relationship? Now you know what red flags to look out for as you embark on your hoe phase! There are plenty of people out there having slutty benders well into their forties and fifties. You have time! I don’t know the extent to your chronic pains, but a few of my best friends have chronic pain. That doesn’t stop them from having a roster, and I don’t think it necessarily has to stop you either. While you look for The One, you can still find Someone for the Night. Start small by downloading some dating apps or even putting on something sexy and frequenting some bars (even if you don’t drink, bartenders can serve you water and mocktails). If you have a friend or two who are sluts, ask them what they do. I’m sure they’re more than happy to give you a pointer.

Summer: Don’t I know this feeling, OP. I transitioned at the age of 25 and sometimes, I feel like most of my life before age 27 was a movie seen through someone else’s eyes. Your question resonates with me a lot because I feel like I missed out on some of the same experiences you did. The Hoe Phase and the FOMO of not having done ‘enough’ in my youthful twenties are highlights. I also became disabled at 20 and I was barred from strenuous physical activity since then, so there’s a lot I feel like I didn’t get to see.

The way I handled it was to develop an understanding that the normative idea of what you should do in your twenties isn’t compatible with everyone. The ‘travel a lot, fuck many people, party hard, make money’ script of twenties hangs on a lot of assumptions. Namely assuming that people have money and are socially gregarious. A bold assumption for those of us who labored for years to find security and comfort rather than ‘adventure’. If I measure my twenties by a hot, rich college girl’s goals, of course I’ll fall short. But those twenties are not wasted because you did spend them developing yourself and your future. You worked hard in the environment you were placed in. You learned from errors and bad experiences. You’ve got friends and are in therapy going into your thirties. These are signs of personal growth that shouldn’t be ignored. You mentioned being drawn to stability and quietude, and that leads me to suspect that like me, the party-and-flirt life may not even have been for you.

As overstated as it can be, life is what you make for it. And that can work in your favor if you detach yourself from external expectations and look to your efforts in your context. The evidence of your efforts is abundant, even in the short passage you wrote. I hope you come to see what I can see.

Em: I just turned 30 this week and I’m personally grappling with these same big feelings. Everyone has also been telling me “you’re so young” and “you have so much time,” but that doesn’t do much for me. They say 30s is the new 20s, and I think that’s even more true for queer folks. Many of us had delayed or non-exist pubscent phases, pushing our slutty/sexy/hoe phases back even further. Some folks get straight married really early, come out later in life, and have their experimental, crazy 20-something-type fun in their 50s. I know that, and I know you know that, and yet here we are still feeling like we missed out on something huge. The way I’m grappling with it now is recognizing how this “fun” phase shows up throughout the span of my friends’ lives. My very best friend has had her craziest years while married and “settled.” I find even more solace in blaming the economy. Part of the reason we have this widespread misconception that our 20s should be fun, flirty, and glamorous is because we used to (kinda) have an economy that allowed for that type of lifestyle. We don’t have that anymore. Anyone I know who is truly “having fun” is doing so later in life because they couldn’t afford to have fun before the age of 30! I think we need to give ourselves grace, but more importantly, I think there should be more realistic representation of our 20s and 30s in iconic movies like 13 Going on 30.

Laneia: As someone who’s OVER 40 and whose twenties were consumed with raising two children — which was definitely its own kind of fun and definitely not the kind of fun anyone else that I knew was having — I’m here to tell you, from the other side of our great divide (turning 40): You can and will do whatever you can and will do at whatever age you happen to be when you do it!

I was married for the majority of my twenties, and I had a teeny existential crisis in my early thirties because I’d come out ‘late’ (26, not late at all) and had made so many major, lifelong decisions at a time when ‘everyone else’ had been carefree and experimental, so I realllllly feel you. Obviously no two experiences are the same, but for whatever it’s worth, I had more fun in my mid/late-thirties than any time before that (excluding being 9 yrs old, which was really top notch). I was a version of slutty (in that I fucked around and found out that I don’t like to fuck around), I broke my own heart, took better road trips, got an era-defining haircut, made exceptionally bad financial decisions, and indulged SO MANY new curiosities and interests after the age of 32.

I’m also drawn to stable and quiet, so I understand your worry when it comes to possible regrets, but in my experience, you kind of are who you are the whole time. I guess I’m glad I did some wilder things in my thirties, but ultimately all they did was reinforce what I already knew about myself: I’m not really a wild person in that sense! I’m wild like a weed is wild, not like a cocaine-dusted disco ball is wild, you know? Maybe you’re the same! This is when I’d say THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT but really there are like 8 thousand ways to find out, and whichever ones you pick will be perfect and right on time.

Hello I’d like to report a devastating high school crush that I’d like to be over now. Yes I’ll hold.

Q

How do I get over a crush??? I’ve liked her since I was in Grade 8, I’m now in Grade 11, and still not over her. Throughout the years, I’ve liked her very on and off, but now I have been full-on yearning for her and it’s really bad because she also has a boyfriend (she’s bi though) and I also feel guilty about that. The crushing just hurts because I know it will never amount to anything, yet I still feel it so deeply, so how do I get over her?

A

Valerie Anne: For one thing, if you’re just crushing on her and not actively pursuing her, there’s nothing to feel guilty about! You can’t help who you like, so just because she has a boyfriend doesn’t mean your feelings are “wrong.” But I definitely understand the struggle of having an unattainable crush! One way to try to get over it is to treat it like it’s over and mourn it. Listen to some sad songs and cry about it. I have a whole playlist about unrequited love! Dancing On My Own by Robyn, Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy, the 1 by Taylor Swift, She Likes a Boy by Nxdia, etc. Mourn it and then try to release it. Focus your energy on your friendships, school, your hobbies or extracurriculars. It’ll be hard and it will take time, but you’ll get there, I promise. And someday you’ll have a crush on someone who has a crush on you right back.

Summer: Oh goodness, you are SO young. Three years is an age for you, and these feelings have clearly existed for a long time. It’s… utterly normal to want someone this badly and for an extended period. The feelings won’t be easier to manage if you can’t be with them. Everything also feels more intense during adolescence because those were the first times we experienced many emotions so strongly and we had no handbook to cope.

If you really want to move past it, I would take active steps to put distance between you and her. Gently reduce the contact you have with her and slowly drift out of her life. Take longer and longer to reply to messages you might be sharing. Taper off how much you see her on social media. Try not to search for her actively. Mute her on the socials that have a Mute function. Block her if you think you can get away with it. Start avoiding her when you can by sitting apart, taking alternate routes that don’t run into hers.

Oh, and the most sure-fire way for me to get over a crush? Was always looking a little further and exploring their character flaws. Everyone has some. Humanizing people’s flaws (not demonizing) is a great way to lose the filter we have for the people we love and help us see that they’re just as flawed as anyone else. But above all, don’t hurt yourself or her in the process.

Kayla: Please don’t feel bad for the crush! It’ll make the intense unrequited crush feels feel even worse if you throw guilt and shame on top of it. And there’s truly nothing to be ashamed or guilty about — your heart wants what it wants. But also your heart is gonna hurt for wanting something it can’t have. Focus on tending to that hurt rather than feeling bad about it or trying to push it away. Let yourself feel sad and heartbroken — and then do exactly what Summer said and try to spend less time with her, including time spent “together” on the phone or social media or anything like that. If you have to mute her on social, do so! There’s no shame in that. It’ll be hard to do, but it can help so much.

Laneia: I’m gonna toss in a controversial aside: the fact that she has a boyfriend doesn’t exactly preclude her from being interested in you as more than a friend, or even being interested in you after the boyfriend’s out of the picture. Boyfriends don’t last forever, but your dedication to taking care of yourself should, so definitely focus more on that. Mourn this exact iteration of what could be, put on the sad playlist, treat it like a breakup, give yourself time and space to compartmentalize some feelings, date someone else — do NOT be out there gnawing on what could’ve been or future-tripping on what miiiiight be or plotting to break them up obviously — but frankly I see no reason to believe this is a closed case just because she’s off the market at this time! The future is so enormous and unknown! That’s all!

But no yeah go back and read everyone else’s responses now that I’ve said my piece, and probably listen more to them than to me. Ok bye you’re doing great!!

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