Q:
Honestly I know I’m straight up lesbian ( stud ) and I’ve been in a few relationships with girls and I always ended it when things were about to get sexually heated. I’ve never had sex with a girl before and I’m highly insecure about my body. But now I wanna be sexually active, but the problem is I don’t know what to do, how to do it, and I don’t wanna do it wrong. Doing it wrong or causing another person pain while doing the wrong way freaks me out, and it’s one of the reasons I’m still nervous about having sex with a girl. I wanna learn how to but I wanna practice first but I don’t even know how to practice :sob:
A:
Hey, lovely OP. Let’s talk about self-esteem. Everything you’ve described is stuff I’ve been through one way or another. Your experiences happen regularly, even for those who are sexually experienced, and they’re very addressable.
Reading your letter reminded me of my internal monologue during an anxious spiral. For me, it’s the milder kind that becomes a regular mental discourse of inadequacy — the sort of thing I can manage but also slowly erodes at me over time. It’s sandpaper anxiety that wears you down smooth, not hammer and chisel anxiety that takes chunks out of you. These ‘milder’ feelings are momentarily surmountable, but they build up until we’re called upon to do something we’re anxious about. Then we realize how difficult things are. Your list of worries sounds like the cumulation of these stressors wearing you down over time, and now, sex seems very far away.
Most of the items you listed are completely routine even for sexually experienced people. Confidence in our sexual skills doesn’t just reinforce forever. It can wane, pass through unexpected phases, or be broken by the wrong person. It’s natural to not want to screw up with someone we like. The emotional stakes are high.
However, there are two things you listed that made me raise an eyebrow: the severe bodily insecurities you mentioned and a fear of causing someone pain due to your error. Both of those sound like they’re scaffolded by something personal being carried forward to the present.
Bodily insecurities are something I address often in these posts and my life. One of my default responses to that feeling in myself is saying that if someone likes you enough to date/have sex you, they already find you attractive. Even if they did notice things you consider flaws, they’re not enough to override the broader attraction they feel about you. That’s a big ‘if’, since the horrible things we say about our appearance are tailored by us, against us. We’re usually the first to notice and the most heavy-handed about enforcement. If you can’t rely on your own view to guide you, rely on theirs. Surely the person who’s attracted to you isn’t a fool.
The second part… Not wanting to cause someone pain by doing something wrong during sex. My initial guess is that there’s a personal story behind that and you’re worried about repeating whatever happened. Otherwise, it’s also normal to live in a consent-aware society and be worried about embodying the opposite of consent. I see shades of myself in that statement, too. I used to be much more sexually anxious. The times I have accidentally hurt someone during sex are still on the highlight reel of things I feel dreadful about.
Whether or not something’s already happened to cause you to be afraid of hurting someone during sex, I’ll give you my universally applicable answer.
It’s not about whether it’ll happen. It’s about how you respond when it inevitably happens.
Sex has a lot of literal and figurative moving parts. Moving parts of the fleshy, unpredictable, emotional kind. If you have a sexually active life, your odds of causing some kind of accidental harm will gradually become absolute. That’s no reason to fear sex any more than other activities involving people. If you have coworkers, you will eventually have a misunderstanding or disagreement. If you play sports, someone will eventually get hurt by accident. Got friends? I’m sure you’ve also had a falling out or argument.
Just like any other activity with people, the very inclusion of people will bump up the odds of being wrong. Life’s not about being perfect around people. It’s about being good enough most of the time and having a helpful response when things go wrong some of the time. The now-standard conversation we have about sexual consent and conversely, the horrible things that should happen to people who violate consent can miss out on this crucial reality of sex: A lot of the hurt that comes from sex is accidental. We don’t just need ways to punish intentional sexual violation. We also need ways to address honest mishaps.
I’ll give you my playbook for sexual mishaps. A ‘mishap’ meaning a very unintentional act that disrupts normal proceedings or makes people unhappy.
- Halt when a signal is given to do so.
- Clear your senses. Turn on the lights, open your eyes, or sharpen your hearing.
- Get safe. Secure any loose apparatus and turn off running machinery.
- Talk to everyone involved. Establish what happened, and how to proceed. Do not ascribe fault at this stage.
- Act on what everyone says should happen next.
- Review and discuss later when heads are clearer and emotions are cool.
If you mostly follow those steps, you have a great playbook for managing mishaps of both a sexual or workshop nature. I kid you not: This procedure is the basis for safety in machine shops and bedrooms alike. All you have to do is remember (most) of those steps and believe in the underlying message about preserving people’s well-being and you’re good to go.
The funny thing about our fear of how not to hurt people during sex is that it loses its hold on us when we treat accidental harm as a given. And we have a plan to confront it. It’s harder to be fearful of something when you know it’ll happen and know how you’ll face it.
I’ve gone on long enough about my passion topics, but I’ll also mention some of your other concerns. Namely what to do and how to do it.
What to do? For you: Be present and aware of your partner. Try to be sober and clear-headed when engaging with someone new. Keep an eye on their body language and responses to your touch and words and let those guide you. When in doubt, ask about their current state and trust their responses.
You’ll notice I didn’t give any hot kissing and cunnilingus tips that’ll drive her mad with lust or anything. That’s because, and I loathe to say this, everyone is different. Your next ‘what to do’ response is to ask them semi-regularly what they want to do and how they want to proceed. Their answer will give you an idea of where the current sexual engagement stands and where it can go next.
How to do it? That really depends on whether you’re still trying to get the first date or are about to get knuckle-deep. Online guides and tips are nice and all, but I’m going to go back to my favorite tools of communication and security. See, you mentioned how you want to practice but don’t know where to start. I won’t burden you with zany techniques and sex acts that might not even happen depending on what your partner likes (please don’t french kiss me). I’ll instead ask for something very actionable: asking how they’re feeling and if they want to change anything.
Try this form of caring communication in non-sexual scenarios. Try it with friends. Try it with gaming buddies (if you do that). Try it with yourself. Get used to asking, “How’re you feeling? Is there anything you want to change?” and then acting on the answer. It’ll make you more aware of people’s needs (including your own) and make you entirely more approachable. I cherish those two questions because they’re universally applicable signs of care that also serve to guide you. Practice on yourself and others outside of the bedroom. So by the time you have sex with someone, you’ll be well-versed in the keystone rules of compassion and communication. The rest will follow naturally with all the ups and downs we can expect from sex.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Like Summer mentioned, online guides can only get you so far, but I’ve found they help immensely with building confidence and it sounds like you could use a bit more confidence. I don’t know if I’m allowed to give specific recs in the comments but I highly recommend the YouTuber, Jkillem. She has an excellent ‘get better in the bedroom’ series of videos, and I love that she focuses on paying attention to your partner’s verbal and non-verbal signals before and during intimacy — as well as asking/checking in with your partner routinely during intimacy. She also has some amazing practical tips about oral sex that I have personally used to astounding affect (at least that’s what i was told). Although, like Summer said everyone is different which is again why paying attention to your partner’s verbal and non-verbal reactions is key, as well as asking if they like what you’re currently doing.
And to reiterate Summer again, don’t be afraid to ask specific questions during sex, as in ‘right here, is this good?’ ‘you want it faster? deeper? another finger?’ etc. Also, some people are just less verbal than others, but i’ve found that asking these types of questions to someone who’s not super verbal/introverted, can be a good way to bring them out out their shell a bit and often they will start telling you without you asking first.
Also, keep in mind, it takes time to acquaint yourself with another person sexually but each subsequent time you’re intimate with that person you will get a better feel for what they like (and what you like too). So don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be “good” the first time, because even if you were more experienced, you would still need to learn your partner and they would need to learn you.
Now if you’re looking for something very very specific and instructional and you have some money to burn, there’s a company called Beducated that offers a library of online intimacy classes, some of which include real-life tutorials so obviously it’s NSFW but it’s done in a very professional and educational way. It’s not cheap though, but before my first time with a woman, I decided to take the plunge and plop down the money and I don’t regret it at all.
And I know this comment sounds like a paid advertisement for Jkillem and Beducated but I promise, it’s not. Your question just really hit close to home, because a couple years ago, I swear I could have written it. Especially the body insecurity part :(
Unfortunately, when it comes to body issues, I don’t have any ready made recs to offer and honestly even though I’m now in a relationship with an amazing woman who constantly tells me how much she loves my body, I still struggle with poor body image. But I will say, I’ve noticed that regardless of how I think I look on the outside, when i consistently take care of myself by working out, eating nutritiously more often than not, and drinking water) I feel better about my body which makes me feel more confident in general.
Wait, actually i do have one more rec (it’s the last one, promise lol) there’s a instagram account called ‘Body By Daddy’ which specializes in workouts for queer folks and they have some great workout tips for intimacy-related things ie hand and finger strength, stamina, etc. Again, this is more for building your body confidence because despite how you think your body looks, knowing that it can do xy or z goes a long way towards feeling good about yourself no matter your experience level.
Also also one more rec (and I swear THIS is the last one). Try yoga. I’d always heard that yoga was good for your body and mental health etc, BUT what I didn’t realize is that yoga can also be a fantastic way to acquaint yourself with the sensuality of your body. Granted, I’ve never done yoga in a studio with a teacher (or in any kind of public space) because my body image issues would never let me, but I searched up yoga on Youtube and found the channel ‘Yoga with Adrienne’ and picked a random beginner routine and started doing it more often than not and I tell you what — I didn’t expect to start feeling more connected to my body, because I hadn’t realized how disconnected from my body I’d been for my entire life, but that’s exactly what happened. Go figure lol
Okay, I think that’s it. I wish you the best of luck, my friend. I’m rooting for you. You got this!
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