If Women’s Magazine Covers Were Aimed at Queer Women, Pt. 3

Welcome back to covers of JKLAFGHD Mag, the Magazine for Women Who Aren’t Straight. Every so often we check in here to catch up on the latest not-straight trends, get updates on the not-straight classics, and check in with our favorite not-straight celebrities. Up next in our January through March issues are Hannah Hart, a carabiner and Sara Ramirez.

January: Hannah Hart

February: A Carabiner

March: Sara Ramirez

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Erin

Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 208 articles for us.

98 Comments

    • Is buttoning the top button a queer fashion statement? Or slang for something? Halp, I’m unbelievably unhip!

        • I am SO GLAD to know this is a confirmed thing. I button my top button all the goddamn time and I’m always like “this Look has a very queer vibe to it” and I wasn’t sure if it was just me. (Same thing re: cuffing the sleeves on short-sleeved buttondowns. Something is very gay about it! Not sure what it is though!)

      • I am super frustrated because I have a very large neck and I can’t find shirts large enough to button the top button without choking.

        Forever bitter tbh.

      • It totally should be slang though. “She buttoned my top button, ifyouknowwhatImean”

    • The morning after I acknowledged my huge crush on my friend to myself, I woke up with my top button buttoned. I wasn’t even wearing a button-up when I went to bed.

  2. At first I didn’t catch the joke with “Celibacy Nail Trends.” Then a little piece of me guffawed, died peacefully, and ascended directly to heaven.

    And who IS Carly Rae Jepsen???

        • Oh that’s mean. Can we at least hint?

          @findquiet If a woman has long, pointy, bejewelled fingernails, that means she’s probably not using her fingers to ______________________.

          • was kind of checking out this woman the other day, thought maybe we’d made some queer eye contact, and then she got closer and i saw her very pointy fake nails and questioned everything

    • Also she had the best pop album of 2015 that was adored by queers, nerds and music critics everywhere but not so much the general public. (Apparently defending my girl is the only thing that actually inspires me to comment.)

  5. I want the “fashion identity crisis: do you want to look like her or be with her?” to be a real article.

  6. 323 Things Your Mom Just Doesn’t Know Why You Don’t Want To Look Pretty In

    Bahaha. My childhood wrapped up in one sentence.

  9. Laughed out loud for the men on the tinder feed and the problematic beach body but probs u couldn’t hear me cause the showers on but I laughed out loud!!!

  11. There are queer women who aren’t obsessed with Carly Rae Jepsen? I haven’t met them.

    • Does digital meeting count? Because if so, count me. I only know that one song and have no idea what she looks like

  14. I hope my elderly neighbors think I’m ok after all the shrieking laughter – I’m ordinarily more sedate before I’ve had my morning tea! Believe me, I needed that.

    I also want to give a special shout-out to the carabiner cover photo and thumb rings article. Reminds me of when my wife and I first met ? ❤️

  15. Idea for the Queer IRL gallery: childhood photos of everyone in clothes their mothers didn’t know why they didn’t want to look pretty in

    • If you want to see pictures of me in my ballet outfit just ask
      God, I hated ballet classes.

    • *coughes*

      Proper girls swipe the skirt of their dress or skirt under their bottoms when they sit. And get lowkey choked by the collar of their stupid dress.
      >_>

    • actually, wait, can we do “clothes our mothers didn’t understand why we didn’t want to look pretty in” alongside “clothes we’re shocked our mothers didn’t realize we were gay in?” buzzfeed did something similar of “gay readers submit childhood photos where they look really gay” but i think autostraddle can do it better than buzzfeed.

  19. but seriously, why do men pop up in my tinder feed when it’s set to women only?
    also, yes to carabiners. i just started wearing my keys on a carabiner on my belt loop and i feel like a gay pied piper. you can hear me jingling from a mile away.

    • I am now for some reason picturing an episode of OITNB where Piper steals a guard’s keys and uses them to lure a new babyqueer inmate into some nefarious plot involving contraband baked goods.

      • to be fair i am 100% hoping that these keys will lure to me a babyqueer with whom i can enjoy baked goods, so… you’re not wrong.

    • I just recently switched settings on tinder a very small portion of these people may just be trans, for ex; trans woman, trans masculine, genderqueer person(like myself), or even trans men who feel more comfortable not dealing with women who more than likely are cishet where the likely-hood of transphobia could be higher.

      Most though are either couples looking for a unicorn, or men trying to get with a not-straight woman. I’m in SoCal & probably swiped no to at least 50 unicorn searchers who are m/f paring(including a trans man and his cis gf, lead picture was him shirtless with his gf pointing at his genital area). I was also surprised to find a few nb/f couple and a few f/f couple looking for a unicorn. Sometimes the guy is the lead picture sometimes you don’t find out it a couple until pictures 4-6 and you see unicorn emoji in the profile. Ugh

      • A lot of them really are actual straight cis dudes though for sure and this mystery never ceases to confuse me

        • I always had a mental image going that these were really dumb cishet dudes who were mashing their phones with their fingers like, “women women I want to meet women click everything that says woman including ‘what are you’ because woman women give me woman.”

        • i keep seeing Aggressively Heterosexual Man With Fish/Deer/Gun/MAGA Hat pop up on my feed and it’s very confusing and alarming to me.

    • I think the tinder algorithm has some kind of variety in it. I noticed that I’d occasionally be matched with people outside of my distance or age brackets. I was also matched with a friend of a friend who i am 98% sure is straight and 100% sure was using tinder meet guys.

      So i think they show you all the people in your selected categories and then also a few surprises.

      • okay yes bc i see people thousands of miles away and my distance is set to 20 miles. i figured it was just that their algorithm is fuckd or that people travel and it doesn’t update properly but maybe it’s intentional.

        • I’ve noticed that too, but then seen it says they are like 20 miles away, which to me seems like they didn’t update their profile.

  21. I’m not sure I’ve ever wanted something to be real so hard, and I mean that includes Hogwarts

  22. I own the 37 purses that are actually just backpacks. Actually I own all three of the ones in existence. And am endlessly confused and amazed when I can’t find more. (Me shopping all of the internet: “Does no one else want an ergonomically relevant day bag??”) https://goo.gl/HGTwh7

    • I’ve had the same Token messenger bag for years, and I was perfectly happy with it until I saw the leather bag you linked to. My life has been ruined :(

      • haha, ahhh…I was somehow super fortunate the year I got that bag, my mom calls me and says “I want to get you something really special for Christmas this year…if there’s anything you’ve really been wanting…”

        FUNNY you should ask Mom :]

        Message me directly on here and I will share some insight into how to get a pretty good deal on these…I already feel a little badly having shared a link on this thread, but I am totally down to help a buddy out if you are really pining for it…

        4 years later I still use mine daily. And feel contently gay every time I pull on those straps and shoulder that purse ;-*

  23. All we need now is a Kickstarter campaign to turn this magazine into a reality. As a queer girl who has been paid to grace magazine covers, I donate a few photoshoots and interviews ?

    • Pleeeeeease, pleease, please. If Autostraddle was in print I would loyally wait for her by my mailbox, cradle her gently in my hands while I read and paper my walls with her brilliance.

  27. Another topic idea, what to do when she sends you unwanted nudes. Or how to tell that queer man it’s not okay to touch you.

  28. I would genuinely appreciate that Wildfang shareables article. That shit is a queer investment.

  29. i do not remember consenting for the princess diaries interview. glad it made it into the issue though!

  32. No no no if you can be identified as “ladyperson” by straight people any bag you carry is automatically a purse, no matter what the packaging or label said. It can never actually be a backpack, a satchel, briefcase or bag for your tablet or laptop.
    NOPE it is purse.
    This a FACT.

  33. That nails article though….I’m dying XD

    But truthfully, I so wanna know why the hell men keep ending up on my tinder! Can we please actually do that research…

    • In my experience some of it is cis couple looking for a unicorn. Like I saw three just today where the first pic was a dude. Reading the profile is where it says they are looking for a unicorn. The rest are just men(be it cis or trans) who want to sleep with a queer gal.

      • Oh yeah there’s def a lot looking for threesomes but the rest…no idea just eugh get off my tinder!

        • I agree. I’ve also had enough of the unicorn woman, the one who has in her profile “looking to be part of your threesome.” I matched with one, and she asked me if I know a third she can join. Unmatched me when I said no and realized I’m trans.

  34. Personal favorite “323 things your mother just doesn’t understand why you don’t want to look pretty in.” I get that way more at 26 than I did as a kid/teenager and I’m by no means masculine…just comfortable/lazy femme. And apparently that is offensive to my mother.

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