If Angelina Jolie and Jenny Shimizu Really Are Hooking Up Again, My Heart Will Melt into Rainbows

87180327ANGELINA JOLIE: According to about fifteen completely unreliable sources, Angelina Jolie may have rekindled her former relationship with lesbian Jenny Shimizu, reports showbizspy.com, in an effort to get back at Brad Pitt for rekindling his relationship with Jennifer Aniston. The likelihood of any source being familiar with exactly what went down between AJ and JS when Pitt interrupted their steamy phone call is almost certainly complete bullshit, but the idea is nice.

“I would probably have married Jenny if I hadn’t married my husband [Billy Bob Thornton at the time]. I fell in love with her the first second I saw her,” the actress said a few years ago.

Well Team Autostraddle is still on the boat but it’s our last day! Basically, we leave the internet for a week and what happens? Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance debuts, Maine Anti-Equality Leader Gets a Death Threat, Democrats, Unicorns & Anti-Choice Conservatives Passed a Health Care Reform Package, Carly actually enjoyed Grey’s Anatomy, and we debuted another fantastic list of Queer Girl Movies to watch out for. Brooke has her first Autostraddle writing opportunity to review Jay-Z’s Empire State of Mind.

I smoke demon weed in the slums of Honduras and smack my head on a slab of concrete, Brooke gets thrown overboard for talking too much about business to non-business speakers, and we were woken up at 10 a.m. this morning and told we had an interview with Erin Foley in five minutes. So I’m wearing legwarmers and no makeup in the computer room wondering wtf is going on and WHY THE INTERNET IS SO MOTHERFRACKING SLOW. I think there is a wet t-shirt contest happening on the deck right now, no joke.

We won’t be back to the city ’til Monday so don’t get too excited about our return, Intern Sarah deputy editor. Obvs we have a LOT of comments to respond to!

LOHAN: Also, apparently Lindsay Lohan fled a nightclub in tears after a confrontation with her ex- gal pal, Courtenay Semel, who has begged her to go to rehab?

GAYS ON TEEVEE: According to Newsweek, gays on teevee used to promote tolerance and understanding and now they are reinforcing them. I have absolutely no idea which gay teevee characters used to promote tolerance, I believe they have always promoted stereotypes and insanity, nor do I have the internet minutes to investigate this situation or read the article.

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Riese

Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3266 articles for us.

14 Comments

    • A little less drugs, a lot more food, and a nice box of red hair dye would do her wonders. I just want her to have a hug and a burger, and get her shit together.

  3. Pingback: If Angelina Jolie and Jenny Shimizu Really Are Hooking Up Again … Silverlight Blog

  4. That is a nice picture of Angelina.
    –
    “I believe they have always promoted stereotypes and insanity, nor do I have the internet minutes to investigate this situation or read the article.” LOL. Good journalism right there.

  5. Remember that time someone had to pick between Jenny Shimizu and Billy Bob Thornton… and went with Thornton? Seriously, what was that about?

    • No it wasn’t Billy Bob Thornton, it was her first husband Johnny Lee Miller. I am an angelinajoliologist, I know these things.

      5 years ago I would be the first one supporting another Angelina Jolie lesbian relationship. But I need/depend on/love/support/ship Brangelina. They give me hope and I NEED them to stay together.
      If nothing else but to slap all the haters and stupid gossip magazines in the face every month they stay together.

        • Or the sex in the limo before events. Actually, I think they was the defining moment for me. I always thought she was beautiful, I liked her lips, since I have lips too.. But when she was all over BBT saying they fucked in the car, I was like WHO IS THIS WOMAN? She has an i don;t care, like me or hate me but I am going to be me attitude that I always respect in anyone. Even when it can get ridiculous, (see gaga). I have been a devoted fan ever since then, she can do NO wrong in my eyes

  6. I’m also a devoted fan, but please stay with Brad Pitt, Angelina! You have a family together!

  7. Pingback: Bookmakers Post Odds on Brad Pitt's Next Girlfriend | BigOnSports

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