Q:
Last year, in my 30s, I started a self-discovery process that has included getting on dating apps after not dating since I was a teenager. (I was out as bi as a teenager, but still figuring out grayace.) I can’t say that it’s been going great, but I’m mostly frustrated that I have so little agency over the self-exploration and discovery part of it. I can’t try anything physically with people (I’m very inexperienced) if we don’t get that far, and we don’t get that far. I can get emotionally attached, but I already knew that oops. I’m kinda stuck on learning anything new about myself and what I want. I talked to my therapist about approaches to self-discovery that aren’t so reliant on other people, but they pointed out that I already know myself alone well — it seems like what I want to learn is really about me in relation to other people.
Actually dating someone requires finding someone I’m interested in who is also interested in me, and remains interested past the first few dates. A tall order that I’m not giving up on, but trying not to treat as the be-all-end-all. But there are, presumably, things that might be less panning for gold. I’m not sure if casual sex is entirely off the table, but I’m also not convinced I could trust someone enough to get naked with them, let alone actually want to. But maybe I could sext (I’m a word person) with a stranger? (Maybe you have other ideas, too!)
So I guess my question is, how would I go about that? My experience thus far on the apps has been a lot of perfectly nice conversations, but nothing more than lightly flirty. (I’m working on that assume-people-think-you’re-hot thing but like, I’m sure my profiles aren’t giving sexy vibes.) Are there particular apps or approaches that would help? I don’t see people saying that’s what they’re looking for, so maybe it’s not realistic to find?
A:
So, the cool thing about being queer is you do get to pick your own adventure when it comes to dating. If you’re looking to text and sext with other cuties, then that is a thing you can look for! In my experience, people who are looking for IRL meetups tend to emphasize a light touch when it comes to messaging back and forth as you don’t want to make the vibe weird. Additionally, someone may not want to get too flirty or explicit prior to meeting up with someone, so I think that if you want to find sexting buddies, you need to have a profile that is just for seeking that out or that specifically names that as something you’re looking for so you’re attracting people who feel similarly.
This is when I’m like — sapphic or even generally queer version of Grindr when?? — but we work with the tools we have. Depending on your location, different apps are going to be either more popular or total ghost towns, but I would try posting a personal ad on Lex. I have also seen many a complaint on HER that people just message and never meet up, but that actually sounds like it might work for you and others if you, once again, wrote a profile that explicitly outlined what you’re looking for and ideally also showcased your flirtatious spirit in your bio.
Additionally, you can take a leaf out of this lesbian’s book and try posting on Reddit (on a subreddit that you feel comfortable with that aligns with your identity, and also, where you hopefully have participated a little before just rolling in asking for sexting buddies) to see if anyone wants to DM.
As for the mechanics of actually sexting with someone, there are a couple great places to start. If it’s a situation where you have photos, like an app, it’s awesome to begin with a genuine compliment. In general, though, it’s great to start with exploratory questions. Ask the other person what they find hot and share in turn. Ask the other person what they’ve always wanted to try, if they’ve read or seen anything that particularly turned them on lately, or about a favorite sexual experience if they’re willing to share. Once you have a feel for each other, you can take your sexting anywhere that’s good for you.
Just remember to, as always, outline boundaries, limits, and anything you’re uncomfortable with at the start of a messaging situation and repeat as needed. Develop a nudes protocol. Respect other peoples’ boundaries and limits. If you feel uncomfortable, it’s okay to end an interaction for any reason. Just because it’s virtual, that doesn’t mean your comfort and consent aren’t still super important.
I’m wishing you tons of luck with this and hope folks will add suggestions in the comments, too!
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Seconding this advice! Wanted to respond to “I don’t see people saying that’s what they’re looking for, so maybe that’s not realistic to find.”
Been on the apps for the last year-ish and it’s been surprising to me how many queers whose bios/profiles/posts DON’T say anything abt their sexual interests (or even say what they’re looking for at all) ARE actually looking to hook up and/or sext. I’m one of the few in my area whose profile is quite explicit abt what I’m looking for, and I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback – hot people literally telling me how grateful they are that I’m open & straightforward about what I’m looking for…and also, I’m getting results. In other words, don’t let the cowardice of yr peers stop you from being clear and upfront about yr desires – you will be appreciated for it. I know *I* appreciate when a personal ad is direct abt the type of engagement the person’s looking for, including when it’s sexting. Yr Tinder bio / Lex ad / whatever can say “looking to sext with a dyke, build some trust over time, and meet up for a coffee date (and more?) if we’ve got chemistry,” or whatever it is that sounds like you. This will be more explicit and vulnerable than 90% of the profiles around you BUT you can feel proud abt being a force for upfront, honest, sexually liberated communication among queers, which is a mitzvah. And you’re more likely to get the type of action you’re looking for!
fwiw as this asker, i found that besides having a profile for it (my main hesitation being running into people i know, because i know a number of sapphics on the apps in my area) the groups on lex are helpful. You can join groups without showing them on your profile if you want, and if it’s a sexting group it’s a headstart on finding people who want to sext (not necessarily in your area, which is good for where I’m at).
Appreciate your thoughts too and may get bolder with practice!
When I first started trying to date it was the early days of the internet, and cyber sex (read: sexting before texting existed) in private chats really helped me discover what I liked and work out some anxieties around flirting with women IRL. I read this advice because I was interested to know if there were still options for this online! Good to see we’re still being endlessly creative when it comes to internet sex.
Best wishes to the Asker! If it helps, sexting did help me a lot, and I suspect that it’s more common than any of us realize to want to try that out for exactly the reasons you say.