Q:

I’m a fifteen year old trans guy, like any trans person I’ve gone through a few names. However, when I came out I was using a more androgynous name since at the time I identified as genderfluid and now that name doesn’t work for me anymore. I have a new name that I’ve been using for over a year now and I’m pretty set on it, but the problem is basically everyone in my life calls me the previous name and has for years so I feel like it’s too late to change. My mum and sister have finally started calling me the name after all this time and everyone at school only knows me as the name. Other trans students at school have changed their names and no one has minded, but I can’t help but feel like a burden. How do I tell people I’ve changed my name? And how do I not feel like a burden for it?

A:

Hey there, fellow name deliberator. You know, when I picked out my new name, I made whole lists and prioritized them in order by lots of different criteria until I picked one. It was a close tie between River and Summer.

Names are important to us, and the only thing that equals that importance is having others acknowledge them. You’re seeing first-hand just that transition is as much a social process as it is personal. Sure, the most important decisions about our transition should belong to us, but we’re still dependent on everyone around us to get us through. I’m glad to see you growing into your personal understanding of gender and making changes along the way. That’s the most literal meaning of a ‘transition’.

When it comes to your name change, I don’t think you’re wrong to be a little apprehensive. People in our lives take different amounts of time to come around. Even the supportive ones need an adjustment period. But there’s a big difference between letting people take things at their pace and suppressing your growth out of fear.

I’ll say it simply: wanting to change your name now after people have adjusted will not make you a burden. Nor are you banned from doing so after people have already settled into an existing name. Transition never really ends. Yes, trans people will make it to a point where we feel complete, but that’s not the end of a transition. Even after completion, we still need to maintain it. Your discomfort about your current name isn’t a sign that you should stop at this point. It should be a sign to make a new adjustment to bring you happiness.

Besides being trans, being an adolescent is a story of life changes and new adjustments. I’m sure you have firsthand working knowledge about how adolescence changes everything. But I have to bring it back to that point about this being a social process. Your family and others around you are also learning and changing in your adolescence. How they respond to these years of your life will reflect on all of you. It’s less a story of you making changes and meeting consequences and more about change and new knowledge flowing between everyone in your life at the same time.

I get that you’ve got nerves asking people to pick up what they’re used to and changing it again. But you’ve had to do the most frightening and high-stakes version of that yourself already. The least people can do is meet you halfway. It’s actually encouraging to hear that your family’s settled into a name change once already. It means they’re open to the idea of change and transition, even if they handle things at a slower pace than you. It’s been four years since I told my elderly parents about my trans self and they still don’t get the name down perfectly. They usually get it right, but habits stick hard. I’m also not mad when they get it wrong either because I know just how many rigid belief systems they had to dismantle to support me.

The bottom line is that the people who are already supportive of you (even the slowpokes) should still be present for you. One more change added to the pile you’re going through in adolescence shouldn’t bring the house down. If it does, then those people weren’t really supporting who you are, they were compromising with you in the hopes that you’d stop. That’s not the support we offer to our loved ones, that’s tolerance we extend to irritating housepets. You deserve better than that and it won’t be your fault if they choose not to keep up.

As to how you tell people you’ve changed your name… you do the same thing you did last time you changed it. I don’t know what you did, but it clearly worked well enough if people are using it. You’ll pick through your memories of how you brought it up that time. You’ll work through the cringe moments where it could have been done better and set aside the things that turned out to be successful. Then you give thought to how the situation and people involved have changed and make a few small adjustments to your plan. Maybe a certain person needs a different venue. Maybe you need to pick a time when your mum or sister aren’t stressed to bring it up. But pick a scenario that works and commit to it.

The same goes for people at school and social circles. If you have a circle of supportive, queer-aligned friends, that’s your first introduction. Tell them you’re making an adjustment and they should understand. Use that opportunity to build support and confidence in your new name. Tell them your plans to introduce it to others and hear out their feedback. If it all sounds good to you, talk to the next person. Then the next.

Like all of us, you’ll have to occasionally correct people during the settling in period. I’m sure you have a good gauge of when someone makes an honest mistake while adjusting to change versus when someone is being malicious. The difference between those two is like a neon light in their body language. Be prepared to gently correct and forgive people’s honest mistakes, and stand your ground when people try to drag you backwards.

There’s another thing that’s as true for transition as leadership elsewhere in life: your confidence comes first. Once you start this name change (and I think you’re ready to), you must commit to it as long as you still want it. If others see that your decision is immovable, they’ll be nudged into agreement after a while. If others see that you’re not even sure about your decision, they’ll start doubting it. If you believe in your right to choose a path forward, you’ll never feel like a burden. If you start doubting whether the path is right, the anxiety and inadequacy will leak into your life again.

So what I’m saying is, it’s your transition and you’re allowed to take it wherever you want. You already have support in different parts of your life, which is good. If that support is genuine, they’ll be around when you adjust your name again, even if they take time to come around. You just have to commit when you’re ready and take it forward one person at a time. I’m sure you’ll manage.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

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