Pretty sure I’m just being realistic!
Q:
My girlfriend wants to be an actor. I think she’s talented, but she’s been pursuing this for 10 years now (we have been together for three years) and has only been in shorts, student films, improv shows, web series, stuff like that. Only once has she been in a real TV show, that was four years ago, and it was a small part for one episode.
Outside of acting, she does gig stuff, like Taskrabbit, dog-walking and Door Dash. She hasn’t wanted to get a full-time job because she wants to be available for acting work. I pay for a lot of what we do together. I have a good job and savings, she has student loan debt (from a BFA program) and no savings. She is really confident that her big break is just around the corner, always, and has friends she went to school with who are doing well.
On Tuesday a temp agency she works for offered her a one-month job that would have paid her very well, and she turned it down because she has an audition next week that she didn’t want to miss. That pushed me over the edge and we had a fight where I told her maybe she had to start getting real about her future and considering something other than acting. We’ve talked about getting married, starting a family, and I admit I have a lot of concerns about being the only breadwinner. She said so many famous actors have stories that start out like hers.
We both cried, she said that I was hurting her feelings and maybe we should take a break from each other to think about what we want. So she’s staying with a friend and I’m in the apartment (I own the apartment, my office is in it, I pay the whole mortgage, bills, etc so that’s why she is the one who it made sense for her to stay somewhere else.) So now I’m sitting here wondering if I’m a jerk or not for wanting her to maybe get real? It’s not because I think she isn’t good at acting or anything. I’m just being realistic that I know it’s a hard industry to break into and for whatever reason she has not been cast, maybe it’s time to face facts. Have any of you been in a situation like this? Am I being unreasonable?
Summer: Off the bat, I’m going to tell you that I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.
Performance and artistic professions are notoriously competitive to get into and make a living. The chances of making a living from one is astronomically low without the support of loved ones or a secondary profession. The market is, and always will be saturated beyond comprehension. Skill, talent, and connections are not distributed fairly in a way that makes it a meritocracy and people who have not ‘made it’ by their twenties are essentially expendable because there’s always a cavalcade of enthusiastic young people who want in.
Your relationship is entering the future planning stages. Getting married and starting a family are lifelong considerations that call on us to ask very difficult questions. Questions about your relationship’s ability to provide for a higher-expense lifestyle, and its ability to cooperate in troubled times. The whole process gets even harder when you consider that our current economic forecasts for the future aren’t getting brighter for some time.
Your frustration of living with a dependent partner in an environment where that is very difficult is understandable. Especially since that partner has skills that could be turned to contributing monetarily to the relationship but is adamant about pursuing endeavors that have not succeeded for a decade. A decade is an incredibly long time to not make it in a field of employment, and acting (like modeling and similar fields) is a place where people age out of their perceived value quickly. If the entertainment world favored talent, we’d almost never have dud releases or questionable performances. The reality is that it favors talent and also connections, experience, luck, and wealth.
I don’t know how exactly you expressed your concerns to her, because that may have been hurtful or degrading. I wouldn’t know. But having those concerns is not unfair or unreasonable. If for nothing else, the simple fact that her life pursuits do not align with your plans and the needs of a long-term relationship with more dependents. This is a topic that’ll have to bear further discussion with your girlfriend, but I’d be extremely wary of proceeding with any permanent life plans (like marriage) without resolving it in a satisfying way.
Drew: As a person of “my two longest relationships have been with actors” experience, I understand the struggle of being an actor’s partner. But, as an artist, myself I would encourage you to slightly shift how you’re thinking about this. It is totally reasonable to not want to provide economically for your partner — it is not reasonable to dictate how she approaches her career.
If she wants to fully prioritize her acting career, I don’t think she’s wrong to do so. But her solution for the realities of life can’t be “well my partner will handle that.” It’s clear resentments are building and something isn’t working for you.
I’d feel very different if your partner was losing hope and not enjoying her actor life. But it sounds like she remains optimistic and is still working hard toward her goals. Given that fact… I don’t know. It seems to me like she’s doing the right thing. It also sounds like you maybe have different priorities and aren’t well-suited to build a life together in the ways you’re imagining.
You cannot make her want to make different choices. If she de-prioritizes acting to get a “real job” she will likely resent you and that won’t be good for your relationship either.
My suggestion would be to create firmer financial boundaries for your relationship. Because actors and artists everywhere manage to work toward their goals while having another job. Sure, it’s easier to work on art with someone else’s financial support, but if you don’t want to do that anymore, that’s totally fair. But you can’t encourage your partner to give up on her primary goals. That won’t be good for her or your relationship.
Riese: Yeah, this is tough! It sounds like you’ve been building up resentment for a long time and this temp job situation just pushed you over the edge, which is too bad, because maybe that was an opportunity to sit down and talk about everything that’s been building up. Honestly this question sounds like it was maybe written in the thick of your anger ’cause there’s not a lot of love coming through in it!
I think any artist would tell you that it is extremely difficult and in some fields impossible to get a full-time job doing the exact work we want to do all the time, but maybe there’s something similar she could be doing, like teaching. It’s really rare for any aspiring artist without a trust fund to never have to miss an audition or a reading or an unpaid artistic opportunity because lucratively non-artistic paid work beckons. On the surface at least, it does sound like this temp job was one of those lucrative opportunities. Many now-successful actors had periods of time where they did have to miss auditions for a shift at a restaurant or a dentist’s office, and I don’t know what’s going on that she isn’t doing that.
She’s not the one asking us for advice, though — I guess I’m just thinking about how sometimes these uncomfortable relationship moments can be necessary opportunities for introspection and re-evaluation. Like we shouldn’t be telling our partners how to conduct their career or pursue their art. But sometimes a different take can be useful. Even if she doesn’t agree with you or do what you think she should do, it opens a door.
I’m unclear if you’ve ever had an official conversation about how you’re doing money in your relationship, but that feels like an important first step. This world we live in does not distribute money equitably — Task Rabbit and Door Dash don’t pay as much as your job does, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard work. Maybe she isn’t able to pay half the bills, but you could ask her to pitch in what she’s able to. (e.g., both of you are giving the same percentage of your monthly income towards bills, even if that means she’s pitching in a lot less.)
But if you want to have a certain kind of life that you don’t anticipate she’ll be able to contribute to financially —then maybe it’s time to evaluate if the relationship is working, or you need to express that expectation to your girlfriend and see what she does with it. If she’s happy to live a more threadbare life but is living well because you already do and she’s just moved in to your scenario — I don’t know… It’s okay to have different priorities but that might mean it’s not the right fit.
Is it time to end this?
Q:
How do you know when you’ve tried everything you can in a relationship? How do you know when it’s time to move on? I’ve been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years and we’ve lived together for 1 year. Similar to a previous person who wrote in, mental health and neurodivergence have a huge impact on both of our lives and sometimes it can feel hard to think about breaking up due to those reasons. When I’m away from her, I feel pretty clear that it’s not working out. But when we are back together in the same physical space, it’s really hard for to imagine moving on. TIA. <3
Summer: Every person’s breaking point in a relationship is different. It’s hard to say without knowing more about your situation. Still, if you feel happier or bolder without your girlfriend, that’s definitely a sign that something’s not going well. The point of a relationship is to find someone whose company you enjoy more than being single. Otherwise, why put the effort in to build and maintain a relationship?
Some of the important questions we need to stew on when thinking about the question of continuation in a relationship are:
- Do I feel braver or happier when they’re not around?
- How difficult is it for me to picture a better future without them?
- Can I handle life without them?
It may help to sit on those questions when you have time with yourself. You might know some of the answers already, even if they’re uncomfortable to think about. If your responses are mixed or incredibly affirmative about the relationship, that’s also an answer and a path forward.
Drew: In my experience, the way to know is when I’m asking that very question. That doesn’t mean relationships that are meant to last (or last longer) don’t have challenges and can’t be worked on. But any time I’ve started dwelling on whether a relationship should end — and it feels like the answer is maybe yes — well, that’s the answer. That doesn’t mean you don’t still love the person and it certainly doesn’t mean it’ll be easy. But you owe it to yourself to listen to that.
If you’re not ready then you at least need to take steps to make changes within the relationship if you haven’t done so yet. Couples therapy or just talking out your problems directly. Something needs to change either within the relationship or without it.
Submit your own advice questions right here!
AF members get the benefit of having your advice questions answered by the team. We do our best to answer every question, which is like, 99% of them — very rarely do they stump us. Questions remain anonymous!
You can send questions on any topic, at any time. Submit those questions into the AF+ Contact Box which we’ve also embedded here:AF+ Contact & Advice Inbox
As someone who recently left the theatre dream after a decade, I understand both of you. I will offer the idea that I think finances are only part of the issue.
Your girlfriend seems to be living in dreams of the future, confident that her “big break is around the corner.” This is super frustrating for many reasons. First, she is banking on something that – in complete honestly – likely won’t happen. I question Drew’s assumption that she is “working hard toward her goals.” It sounds like she’s not really working toward it…she’s clearing her schedule for it.
Again, this is all my assumptions based on the little information you posted…but finances seem like a metaphor for something bigger. You are grounded in a stable career, in your present as well as your future. Your girlfriend isn’t living in the present with you. She’s living in the mythical future. That sounds pretty lonely to be alone in the present.
I’ll also add that even actors who “make it” are generally pretty financially unstable. Film is different from theatre, but I know actors who have Disney royalties and are still not set financially. Booking one movie or tv show or Broadway show doesn’t mean you’ll get another one, or when that will be. It’s a hard life. Scheduling is inconsistent and unpredictable, there’s often quite a bit of travel involved, constant pressure on appearance, and “making it” comes with a level of fame and recognition that you as her girlfriend could be part of.
You’re in a tough situation. I wish you the best.
When LW1 stated they are thinking about marriage and kids as a couple my first thought was are they both really on the same page for those things. If the partner won’t take a month temp job, that could possibly add money towards expanding their family or even the students loans, I don’t think kids are 100% forefront on their mind either. Not everyone is built or sets out to financially support another person’s passions. Personally I think you can persue a dream and still have a day job. People do it everyday. Perhaps this relationship has ran its course.