Q:

I’m a trans, grey-ace person with a long history of body dysmorphia, eating disorders, and gynecology-based medical trauma. I recently had gender affirming top surgery, which has had an enormously positive impact on my life. I am determined, as I get to know my new body, to meet my body image hang ups with compassion and do the work to help myself heal.

One of the areas I really want to address is my anxiety around sex. I recently mentioned to my partner that I want to have a (temporary) break from receiving during sex in order to give myself space to be with my body fully, which didn’t go over terribly well. She feels guilty, although she has absolutely no need to — I LOVE topping, that’s how I feel most sexy, and to be honest, less overtly sexual receiving of touch such as massage or hair petting makes me feel safer and more grounded in my body than sex acts.

I know in theory it’s not wrong of me to ask this, but I also really, really don’t want to make her feel bad. I have reiterated that it’s not down to her skills, I’ve always enjoyed what we do together, I just have a super complicated relationship with receiving that is getting in the way of enjoyment. How can I help her feel supported and also take the time I need to reclaim my body as my own first?

A:

Hi there to a fellow trans person finding home in your body. Congratulations on having surgery that speaks to you, and I hope your recovery goes well.

In general, it sounds like you have a pretty good grasp of your needs. You’ve had gender-affirming surgery and are going through a period of bodily reflection and adjustment. You’re doing the admirable labor of self-love in addressing our past pain. And you’re still finding room to care for your partner’s needs while you post a temporary Under Construction sign on certain sex acts.

But when we change the shape of the sex we want, it’s a call that includes our partners. And you can get a whole color wheel of responses. I’ve experienced relief because it turned out that’s what they also wanted but didn’t want to say. I’ve also experienced uncertainty that settled into a pleasant new norm. And I’ve experienced disruption and anger. Raising these questions and changes with our partners is difficult because if there was already a pleasant status quo, changes can disrupt people’s preferred sex and their sense of normalcy.

I think that’s part of what’s happening here. This state of flux you’re experiencing is positive for you but is being received as a disruption to her pleasant status quo. To use an overused word from 2020, it’s injected uncertainty into her life. So I’m going to address this from two directions: structure and affirmation.

Structure

Structure is the comfortable normalcy we build or settle into. It’s different for everyone. The easiest way to see someone’s preferred structure is to notice how foreign their life seems. Like, you could never live that way. But somehow they seem perfectly fine with it? That’s structure. It makes life feel ‘normal’. It keeps dysregulation away.

In your case, I think the concept applies because there’s been a change in your mutual structure that’s being received differently. To you, putting a hold on receiving sex is a planned step that coincides with your needs. To her, it’s a change of pace that’s touched off some insecurities.

It’s possible that her feelings will stabilize with time and she’ll find a way to ‘cope’. But you can help a lot by restoring structure to the dynamic in a way that doesn’t deny your bodily integrity.

This can look like a number of things:

• Opening conversations about how this is a planned adjustment to your life to reassure her things aren’t tumbling downhill
• Checking on how she feels about this topic as often as she needs, so she feels heard
• Pointing out that you’re not checking out of sex and greatly enjoy aspects of it — like topping! Then demonstrate your enthusiasm when you have a chance. That way, she can feel like sex is still present and enjoyable.
• Gently softening her life in other areas. Things like picking up an extra chore or some errands can take a bit of stress off our partners when they have stuff on their mind.
• Framing the discussion of this change as one that benefits your mental needs and past trauma. So that it’s not ‘just’ about sex, but also about healing and growth.

All of these things comprise the work of facilitating a change in a relationship. They show that you’re not charging ahead with a change that affects her. Instead, you’re taking her emotional state and opinion seriously without compromising on your needs. Of course, this will only be true if you commit to the labor of doing this.

Affirmation

The second step is affirmation. This one matters because if she feels bad about her share of the sex life, it might speak to an existing insecurity.

Here, it’s important to have conversations with her about what she’s feeling. This isn’t quite the same as restoring the structure so she doesn’t feel disrupted. It’s about stepping out to affirm her needs as part of the shared relationship journey.

It definitely starts with the thing you said to us about how it’s not at all her fault. And that she doesn’t have any reason to feel guilty. And you adore her and want to share this life with her. And everything else that is remotely true that she needs to hear when she feels guilty.

You’ll be replacing the voice of inadequacy in her head with your voice of affirmation. This applies to her worries about her sexual skills. Her body image. Her preferred role in the relationship. All of it.

Focusing on both structure and affirmation will help stabilize roughness in a relationship. They both serve the same purpose: restoring confidence. You didn’t do anything to damage her confidence, but you unveiled a soft spot, and you can walk through it with her.

I’ve found that when efforts like these go well, they have a feedback loop. All relationships have a cycle of feelings between partners. Great relationships use that to their advantage by cultivating growth and confidence.

You’ll notice I didn’t mention anything about what you should do to work on your body. That’s because your growth can follow as a natural outcome of supporting your girlfriend. If she’s more stable and confident in this change, you’ll get the relief you need to look to your needs. And you’re already the expert on your life, so you’ve got that down.

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