Q:

I love my gf but some stuff she does annoys me. It’s not my gf all together but just some random stuff she does. I’ve never been a big fan of texting, and especially not texting empty conversations. And she does that a lot and it’s irritating. But I feel bad because obviously she’s texting me because she wants to talk to me, but I don’t like texting and I don’t want to constantly have such empty conversations. I know that sounds mean, I feel mean, but texting me “wyd” 8 times a day then giving a “awh” or “fun” and nothing else makes me irritated. And like obviously she’s doing that because she cares but oh my god I cant explain how dull 70% of our text conversations are. I don’t want to tell her to stop texting me so much because that’s pretty much just saying “stop talking to me” and that’s mean. Sooo any advice?

A:

I don’t think you’re mean for having these feelings, but I do think it sounds like there’s a fundamental difference between you and your girlfriend when it comes to communication, and that might be difficult if not impossible to navigate. My wife and I actually have very different texting styles and relationships to texting. Her friends were shocked — SHOCKED — to learn she texted me back regularly when we were long distance, because she historically is not the best at texting people back. But she prioritized it in the beginning of our relationship, which I appreciated since we were long distance and since I do communicate over the phone frequently, likely having conversations you might consider dull or unnecessary.

And again, it’s fine that you think that! I don’t expect all people to have the same approach to texting as I do, and I’m sure your girlfriend doesn’t either. I think you could simply tell her you aren’t a big texter. Once I understood that about my wife, I could adjust my expectations for texting with her. When she’s going out of town for a while, I have been better about voicing my needs upfront and telling her I’d like to at least hear from her a few times a day. Since we know we’re both different about texting, we can have these conversations and find compromises.

So, yes, I don’t think you should necessary say “stop texting me so much,” but I do think you can say you’re not big on texting, prefer in-person communication, and don’t necessarily want to be asked what you’re doing multiple times a day. You don’t want to say NOTHING, because then resentment could fester and this could all be blown out of proportion. But I think the conversation should be had in a neutral setting, in person, and without telling her you’re ANNOYED by these behaviors.

I do also want to challenge you to really consider how much it takes out of you to answer her texts. I know dull or meaningless conversations can be annoying when you’re not a big texter, but are there other issues in the relationship that are the real underlying reason for the frustration here or is it really JUST about the texts? Something to consider!

You’re not being mean; you just don’t communicate the same way your girlfriend does and you probably have different ideas of what meaningful conversation comprises. This could lead to some larger communication issues down the line, so it’s good to at least talk about it now. Start with letting her know you’re not a big texter and go from there.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

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