Q:
Hi Autostraddle! I am a newly realized bisexual woman (although, looking back, it should have been painfully obvious), and for the past few weeks, I have had an overwhelming desire to explore my attraction to women. I’ve flirted with women at bars, online, and have even had a few steamy make-out sessions, but I’m extremely anxious about taking it any further. I know I have no reason to feel ashamed, but I have practically zero sexual experience with women, and although I want to learn, I’m afraid that women will lose interest in me after I tell them about my inexperience.
How do I initiate these conversations? What can I do to prepare myself for a potentially negative reaction? Or should I stop flirting entirely and wait until I meet a woman who clicks with me romantically? Please help!
Sincerely,
Bi Panic
A:
Hey there, Bi Panic
Feeling very panic and not very disco about newfound personal discovery happens to a lot of us. Sometimes, that’s what self-discovery looks like. I’m glad you’ve joined our little club.
Right. You’ve got the ground floor experiences of bisexual exploration. You’ve experienced attraction to different genders and maybe felt odd afterward, flirted with and made out with some lovely women. If it soothes the anxiety about your anxiety: Even career queers like me are still afraid of taking the next steps after making out with someone. Somehow, flirtation, sex, and kissing are all more approachable than asking someone out. Or maybe that’s a me thing.
Before I take on your questions, the first thing I’ll mention is that you’re far from the first person worried about this. This one went up a few weeks ago. This is a normal feeling that arises from living in a sexually open world where people’s sexual exploits are known widely. Those of us who are sexually active are only one slice of humanity. A loud slice perhaps (sorry, neighbors and readers). Queer circles are positively full of people who are seeking sex, disinterested, or not doing it.
Just as there are countless ways to be sexual (including not), the queer landscape is replete with opinions on sexual experience. I dare say that the majority of queer women don’t care much about sexual inexperience as long as other essentials are there: interest, openness, trust. Sure, some people won’t take it well if you bring up your inexperience with women, but the people who react poorly to that weren’t a good fit for you in the first place. The adage that “The people who matter don’t care and the people who care don’t matter,” fits well.
So how do you initiate these conversations? I hate to say it, but it’s context-dependent. There are worlds between a sit-down what are we talk after three months of steady dating and falling so hard you want to use U-Haul as a substitute for that chat. My preferred advice for learning these conversations? Follow your instinct, but give yourself time to prepare for each person you broach the topic with. Some people (including my past self) used to prepare a standard, scripted escalation conversation. Turns out, that’s an autistic thing I do, and it suffers from inflexibility.
Every person is different, and relationships are about compromising mid-way. That includes compromising on your best laid plans ahead and going with the flow. Watch how your new favorite person prefers to communicate and match their energy. Do they need privacy to talk about important topics or is a restaurant okay? Do they readily speak their mind? How good are they at keeping touch with you so far? Look for these cues and build something that matches them.
What can you do to prepare for a negative reaction regarding your lack of experience with women? I’m just gonna refer back to the point about how the people who care won’t matter to you. You and I both know that you don’t have a reason to feel ashamed. Bracing for a negative reaction primes you to be the person who’s done something ‘wrong’ and will soon face judgement. The judgement should fall on people who won’t give you their time on the basis of unfair assumptions about your life. The way I see it, you can prepare for the negative reaction by valuing yourself highly.
Lastly, whether you should stop your flirting and wait for a fitting soul to come along is up to you. You’ve done fine in exploratory encounters with women already. The past flirtation, kissing, and good conversations you’ve had are proof of your charisma. If you’d like to put a hold on that and wait, please only do it out of a belief that it’s right for you, rather than the idea of ‘inexperience’ holding you back.
I hope I’ve answered your question directly, but I also want to stress that you do have sexual experience. I get that when you talk about ‘zero sexual experience’ with women, you’re talking about below-the-shirt stuff. But kissing and flirtation are romantic and sexual experiences in their own right. They’re formative experiences that teach us the groundwork of romantic connection, communication, and consent that we build on toward future exploits. Queer sex needn’t emphasize vaginal penetration, orgasm, or so other traditional milestones. It takes on a very individualized shape that will only make sense to you once you explore further.
What I’m getting at is: You’re ready. Do what makes you happy.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
OP, everybody’s gotta start somewhere!
As long a su don’t suck d I don’t kiss bi woman like that 💋😗
Literally no one cares.
Dear letter writer, if someone is anything but kind about your sexual inexperience with women, that gives you valuable information about this person. Then you can be like (in your head or our loud): “Good to know. Bye-bye!”
You have options here. It is not just whether the other person is choosing you, but your choice as well: do you want to be with them?
You could tell yourself: if you don’t like me the way I am, I don’t like you at all. Or: If you don’t want me, based on this, I really don’t want you either. You’re missing out.
Someone said they consider meeting new people (as in dating, or otherwise) as an experiment. It made them feel braver. With new people, you can try out what works for you and what doesn’t; you can try out new things in how you behave and want to act. You don’t have as much to lose as with people you you know and who might expect you to behave in a specific way (not just in the regard you wrote AS about). You can evaluate after a date: ok, this is how it went, and next time, I will do it differently. Or: this is something I like about the way I was behaving, and I will do it again (and of course, the same theme will feel so different with different people).
If you feel confident and courageous in a date, you could also share your sexual inexperience with women as a sorting mechanism, as in thinking: you react condescendingly? Ok, this does not work for me. Bye.
This might be hard with something that you feel already vulnerable about. If you think that the rejection based on this would hurt too badly, then maybe it is not the time for this kind of experiment.
You could prepare three sentences for you to calm/soothe you before/after a date, and your possible disclosure – like affirmations.
If you want, you could also prepare one/two/three standard answer(s) for if a person reacts poorly.
The point of this is that you don’t need to come up with something new in the moment when you are possibly anxious/hurt or have other strong feelings one way or another.
Also, I agree with Summer that many queer women don’t care about sexual inexperience as long as other essentials are there!
I found the following helpful for me: “What if there is nothing to fix? There is something to learn.”
What I mean is: there is nothing wrong with me, I don’t need to “fix” something, and I have a learning opportunity.
I want you to know: you are perfect the way you are, many queer people have insecurities about their sexual history/experience (or absence thereof), you are not alone, and you are valid.
Great advice, Summer, always a delight to read your responses <3