I Heart Valentine’s Day: The Gay Girl’s Great Big Gift Guide

If you’re bringing your girl-crush a valentine on the 14th, I hope you remember to bring some for the whole class. That’s the rule. You have to get a valentine for everybody in the whole class!

Red Hot Lovers

Red Hot Lovers

If you find yourself completely unable to stop talking about your sweetheart, maybe it’s time the two of you sit down and write yourselves a book about yourself with The Q&A A Day 3-Year Journal for 2 People. 

Our Q and A Day ($16.99). Sweetly Sipping Tea Set ($34.99). Adore Me Pleasure Set ($159). Ink Or Swim Shower Curtain ($27.99). The Slippery Thermal Henley by Appliq ($39). Torrid Lace Trim Corset ($51.38). Heart on a Plate Book ($18.50). Coach Tour Dress in Rouge ($47.99).  Sweet Hearts Cardigan ($50). Moleskine Classic Notebook ($15.59).

Blackhearts

Blackhearts

Surprise your special someone with breakfast in bed when you make heart-shaped waffles with the CucinaPro 1475 Classic Heart Waffler.

Plush Love Fleece Lined Beanie ($60). Black Punker Eye Kit ($39). Come Be My Little Spoon Throw Pillow ($27). Valentine’s Day Heart Socks ($6). CucinaPro 1475 Classic Heart Waffler ($46.57). Vegan Leather Jacket ($168). Black Hearted Hoodie ($98). Krystal Large Heart Swarovski Crystal Charm Necklace ($33.33). Double Weave Black Leather Cuff ($39.99).

Hearts of Gold

Hearts of Gold

Buying journals for other people is always tricky, but a Dear Queer Diary sticker shows you know she’s got one, but trust her to pick out her own and then put your sticker on it.

The Hunger Games – Katniss Chocolate Bar (Apples pierce, uncured hickory smoked bacon, alderwood smoked sea salt and 44% cacao milk chocolate) ($7.50). Talking Heads Necklace ($65). Heart: Dreamboat Annie on Vinyl ($25.22). Dear Queer Diary Sticker ($5). Tegan & Sara Heartthrob Mug ($15). My My Baby Necklace ($29). Lelo Olga ($495). Lolita Deluxe Sunglasses ($199). One Thing’s For Shear Bracelet ($17.99). Gold by Jay-Z Gift Set ($74).

Purple Rain

Purple Hearts

Fill a Kanken Purple Pack with all the overnight necessities for your newly minted-lady love: contact solution, shampoo, toothbrush, underwear, the works. It’s a cute way to tell a girl you want her to sleep over a lot without telling her it’s time to move in.

The Collected Poems of Audre Lorde ($16.78). Vosges Chocolates Exotic Truffle Heart Collection ($45). Kanken Purple Pack ($75). The Letters of Vita Sackville-West and Virginia Woolf ($34.94). Atmos Raw Vaporizer ($65). ASOS Tie With Polka Dot ($14.82). Purple Rain [180 Gram Vinyl] ($20.96). Poisonberry Opaque Lipstick ($22). High Femme Sticker ($5).

White Knights

White Knights

The Hanky Panky Thong is all curled up in what appears to be a white rose, which means you get credit for buying flowers and for buying sexy underpants.

Miss Atomic Cameo Necklace ($20). Asos Trunk With Dinosaur Print ($11.11). Venessa Arizaga Treasured Pearls Bracelet ($85). Asos Curve Exclusive Onesie In Heart And Star Print ($64.82). Hanky Panky Thong Rose White ($20). Nightwood (New Edition), by Djuana Barnes with preface by Jeanette Winterson and an introduction by T.S. Eliot ($11.79).

Blue Valentine

Blue Valentine

Lez Get Dressed For Work Sticker ($5). Mrs. Bow Tie ($42). Free City I Love You Sweatpants ($148). The Smell of Good Mud, by Lauren Zuniga ($11.44). Otterly Romantic Otters Holding Hands Tote Bag ($22). 15″ Laptop Case With Heart Design ($19.44). Valentine’s Day Heart Socks ($6). Blue is the Warmest Color Graphic Novel by Julie Maroh ($13.45). Mosquita y Mari DVD ($19.95).

Green Indie
Green With Envy

If you go camping a lot, that’s a reasonable enough excuse to buy a Poler Knapsack sleeping bag that also doubles as the kind of sleeping bag a Snuggie would be if Snuggies were high-tech sleeping bags.

Lacoste Essential Gift Set ($68). Sucre New Orleans 15-Piece Chocolate Collection (Coffee & Chicory, Praline Pecan, Brown Butter, Bananas Foster and Carmel & Sea Salt) ($31). Pole Dancing to Gospel Hymns, by Andrea Gibson ($12.91). UGG Ansley Slipper ($99.95). Poler Napsack ($129.95). Indestructible, by Cristy C Road ($7.55). Junior Mints 72-Count ($20.88).

Strawberry Kisses

Strawberry Kisses

You can’t buy Franzia on the internet, but you certainly can find it at your local grocer. Franzia is sweet romance.

Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More, by Janet Mock ($18.89). Lip Balm Ring ($14). Exclusive Reds Set by Butter London ($39). Asos Onesie with Hood In Cute Deer Print ($55.56). Franzia White Merlot ($13.99). Hello Beautiful Polka Dots Pillow ($30). Heart on my Elbow Sweater ($49). Whisper Hot Pant Berry Crush by Cosabella ($24). Little Besties Temporary Tattoos ($5).

We recommend hitting up the Autostraddle Store for extra-special gifts for your special somebody, for example a You Do You hoodie (now marked down to $35 so that Bren the Merch Girl will have enough room in her kitchen to sit down) or a Butch Please sticker or some Straddle This boxer-briefs!

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Riese

Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3279 articles for us.

23 Comments

  1. “Franzia is sweet romance.”

    FRANZIA IS SWEET ROMANCE AND ANYONE WHO DISAGREES ISN’T A REAL PERSON.

    i can just buy that kanken backpack and the “hello beautiful” pillow for myself right?

  2. so many great gift ideas! gahh, i want so many of these, mostly the books.

    kinda relevant: i wish i knew where to get a gold heart necklace that says “fuck you”.

  3. Wow that is one expensive toy, and surprisingly it is sold out. I wish I had something clever to say about that toy being a girls best friend & not diamonds, but I am not clever enough like the Autostraddle staff.

    • i have been sitting here for a significant period of time and have yet to think of something clever to say about it, but for a while i entertained a mental image of a dildo coated in diamonds, and then i remembered that effing dykes story about the nails, and now i feel weird

  5. $198 for sweatpants??? I can think of a lot of things I’d like to spend $198 on, but sweatpants aren’t on that list….

    • they’re actually $148, not $198… i personally wouldn’t spend $148 on sweatpants because i do not have $148, but once upon a time somebody bought me a pair of $148 free city sweatpants, and they are really truly the most heavenly sweatpants of all time. so soft! and they last forever! except then i accidentally burned a hole in them but uh, that’s another story.

      anyhow, Free City is lesbian-owned and their stuff is handmade or something. the designer used to date Leisha Hailey, which’s why all the L Word characters were always decked out in Free City (which was funny, cause most of those characters never would’ve been able to afford free city stuff). anyhow i think it qualifies as a lesbian luxury gift when you wanna get something fancy for a person who isn’t actually fancy. it’s a very popular brand amongst celebrities who are often spotted getting coffee in giant sunglasses.

  6. The Hanky Panky Thong is all curled up in what appears to be a white rose, which means you get credit for buying flowers and for buying sexy underpants.

    This is missing from my life. And gift list.

  7. The book titled “Pole Dancing to Gospel Hymns” made me laugh so I went to the Amazon site and read the first poem
    “Pole dance” or “Pole dancer” – I loved it, and I might have to go back and read it again.

  8. I still have no clue about Valentine’s Day. It’s like my subconscious always chose to date at other times of the year to avoid it. What do you even get for someone whom you’ve been dating for under 2 months? We need a guide for outcomes of January Pair-Up Day …

    • I once got one of those fortune teller things you used to make in school as a kid but with all kinds of things she really liked about me! We had been going out 2 months as well and it was casual but still super sweat and not awkward cause it doesn’t cost anything

  9. My girlfriend and I have the Q&A book! If you like really stupidly cheesy things (me) or laughing at your partner who hates stupidly cheesy things (also me) then it’s really the best thing. It also goes perfectly with Carmen’s LDR article because it’s something to talk about every night.

  10. Dreamboat Annie!!! I was OBSESSED with that album in high school. I wish I had a lady in my life to give it too right now.

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