Q:
At what point should you feel the *spark* with someone? I’ve been in a lot of situations where I’ve gotten to date three, four, or five with someone, and we’re vibing, and I enjoy spending time with them. In some of these situations, we’ve hooked up, too, and it’s usually good! But there’s also something…missing? And it prevents me from taking the next step with them or continuing to go on dates, but then I get frustrated because like what if they actually were great for me and the spark was coming but just hadn’t quite yet? Is the SPARK even a thing? I go back and forth on this myself, but I think a big part of why I keep coming back to it is because I had that spark with my ex. She was the first girl I was ever with, and she has set an impossibly high bar for others, because whatever that spark is, we had it, and we had it right away. And I haven’t felt it with anyone else, not even close. Our breakup sucked, but it wasn’t like a BAD breakup. She just had to move to a different state for a job, and I didn’t want to move or do long distance. We don’t really talk anymore because it was too hard. I miss her, but I also have done a lot of work on myself to move forward. I’m ready to date!
I want a relationship. I’m a very romantic person, maybe too romantic sometimes. I think I’m pretty good at dates. I just I guess don’t know what I’m looking for, exactly. Because I guess you can’t look for…some abstract feeling you get when you’re with another person that’s hard to describe. Should I give up on this idea of a spark entirely? Should I settle for dating someone even if it doesn’t feel the same way it did before with my ex? I think sometimes I struggle to differentiate between friendship chemistry and romantic chemistry, though I want both. And is it leading someone on to keep repeatedly seeing them and going on dates if I’m unsure about them?
A:
I feel like this is a breakup question disguised as a dating a question — or, at least, it’s both. I think it’s great that you’ve done work on yourself following the breakup with your first girlfriend. I can tell even just from your letter that you’re dealing with this quite maturely and well and it sounds like there isn’t resentment or negative feelings there. Also, kudos to you for making the tough but ultimately healthy decision to break up when you knew long distance or a move wasn’t going to work for you. A lot of people would have sacrificed their own wants just to continue a relationship that ultimately would be a bit doomed if that big of a sacrifice were being made. Great work!
Now, you might be over your ex, but you’re not over the way she made you feel. You felt a spark! I can sit here and pretend there’s no such thing as a spark, but I know what you mean. There’s a different vibration I feel with certain people — sometimes even in a friendship context! I can meet a new friend and immediately know oh this is someone I’m going to be very good friends with for a very long time.
Let’s actually follow that example of my friendships. Nine times out of ten, I’m usually right about that gut instinct. Every once in a while, I feel that energy with a new friend but it turns out we’re not well matched after all. But even more common than that situation, sometimes there are new people who enter my life who I don’t feel that gut feeling with and who then become my very, very good friends over time. Not all relationships should burn quick and bright; some take time, effort, and just growth and nurturing. I think the same thing applies to romantic relationships.
You’re going to set yourself up for dating failure if you’re constantly comparing the feelings you have with these new people to the feelings you had with your ex. That was your FIRST girlfriend. I hate to break it to you, but it’s possible nothing will ever feel quite like that again! First love is a one time thing, and it’s potent! Queerness makes that even more intense sometimes. I don’t know your coming out story or background, but a lot of times first queer love can feel especially magical because it’s also the first time we’re really coming into ourselves and desires.
You’re not leading anyone on by going on a third, fourth, fifth, sixth, etc. date even if you’re unsure about your chemistry with them. If they ask you a question directly, like, ‘do you see this going further’ or ‘would you like to be exclusive,’ be honest about your feelings, even if those feelings are uncertain — say that! It’s then on the other person to decide if they want to continue seeing someone who is unsure about them. So long as you’re being honest, you’re not doing anything wrong. It can take time to cultivate chemistry; I think it’s a fallacy to believe it’s always there right from the start. And chemistry down-the-line can be just as powerful and long-lasting as chemistry felt right away — sometimes more so! Because it comes with a lot of investment and dedication.
As for not being able to differentiate between friendship chemistry and romantic chemistry, that’s pretty common! It’s also why there are plenty of real-life occurrences of friends-to-lovers or even lovers-to-friends. Different forms of intimacy can overlap. I think my advice would be to not get too in your head about trying to make those distinctions when you’re actively seeing someone and instead focus on just getting to know them better and being yourself. I know it’s hard to get out of your head when it comes to dating, but if it helps to externalize your thoughts/anxieties in order to let them go, try journaling or chatting with friends prior to dates about what your expectations and feelings are.
Every relationship is different. Every time we fall for someone, it feels a little different. That isn’t a bad thing, and it doesn’t diminish some connections in relation to others. It’s going to be difficult to find the romance you’re looking for if you’re constantly comparing your present emotions to past ones. Take the final step toward getting over your ex by refusing to compare new romantic prospects to her or to the way you feel.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
I related to this a lot and want to say in my experience: the spark is real, and it is okay to want it, and it will almost definitely happen again at some point, and then you will look back on all the okay dates like OH that’s what that was missing.
The line that stuck out to me in your question was “I think I’m pretty good at dates”. I relate! I am also pretty good at dating, I make people feel comfortable, I talk to most people easily, I have fun a lot of the time, I can generate sexual energy and have good sex. This leads me to think with a lot of people: this is good, why does it also feel like work? For me, the answer is that I am thinking about the person I can be for the other person, rather than being in touch with my own desires, because somewhere along the way I was taught that it’s too much to ask for what I really want. Which is that intangible chemistry, that “oh my god, I need them to write me back now”, the butterflies, the perennially horny daze of a new relationship that makes you FEEL EVERYTHING.
It’s hard when you want a relationship, but I will also say: it’s okay to want the spark! It’s also fine to have hookups and dates in the meantime, knowing they are not that, so long as you are honest about where you’re at. But you are not weird or too much for wanting more and believing that thing exists.