First off, by situationship I mean someone you know isn’t right for a relationship, but is right for the time being. I’m not defending staying with a chronic cheater or toxic lil somebody just because the sex is good or to avoid feeling lonely. But if you entertained someone like that in the past or are struggling to stop now, I don’t think you deserve all the judgment you get. I want you to want better, but I understand why you might not. Unlike everyone else, I don’t believe self-worth, self-esteem, or self-concept are the only reasons you can’t leave that man or that fuckboy (genderless) alone.

You are a human with human needs. You never want to be in a place where you can’t live without a romantic or sexual relationship, but it is absolutely okay to want one — and want one badly. Catching a body is not always like catching a bus. For some of us, it’s like catching a cab while Black. It’s hard out here. I’ve been many people: straight, queer, thin (in my and my late great aunt’s eyes), thick, fat, relaxed, natural, and none of them was in high demand (except that one year I attracted a lot of white people). As a scientist, I looked at what the celibacy girls have to say assuming the average would be one or two years of being sex-free. Baby, I saw gorgeous, well-put together women who had been celibate two, five, sometimes ten years. That is a completely valid choice, but so is not wanting to go through that. So, as a former/current thirsty, I wanted to talk about how we might have gotten where we are or where we used to be and some things to consider moving forward.

Before we go further, it’s not your fault it’s hard to stop chasing someone or acting from a place of scarcity; good partners are clearly scarce. But you are your own responsibility. If your situationship is doing more harm than good, I highly recommend you quit cold turkey. Blocked on everything. Number deleted. All message threads deleted. All traces gone.

They probably call it ‘dope’ for a reason

We’ll start easy. Science brings us a neutral answer: good ol’ hormones (dopamine and oxytocin are considered both hormones and neurotransmitters according to the internet, but I can’t say good ol’ neurotransmitters and hormones). Flirting is fun. Texting a new person is fun. Kikiing on the phone is fun. And these interactions cause us to produce dopamine. Dopamine gives your brain a reward, the same kind you would get from a drug. And your brain will chase a drug even if the lows take you real low. Diminishing returns don’t matter. So even if the texts get slower or that new friend is not as sweet, you get your reward whenever they decide to come around. It’s not your fault it’s hard to stop; your brain is wired to keep going.

Next up: oxytocin

Oxytocin is released during sex and makes you feel drawn to your hunching partner. I fully believe it’s responsible for the myth of soul ties. Unfortunately, if you have a uterus, oxytocin is so powerful that your body also releases it to help you bond to your baby after giving birth. Another trap set up by Big Uterus to get you pregnant.

Limerence

Limerence was the lover girl word of the year in 2024. Limerence is all-consuming, a crush with superpowers. Which for many of us is a regular crush. It’s probably also connected to dopamine, idk — I’m not a scientist. And if you have ever been diagnosed with or suspected you had ADHD or autism, it’s more likely for you to experience limerence because you have a different relationship to dopamine than other people.

I think I’m personally prone to limerence because it becomes a nice distraction; I think about this idealized person instead of stressing about life. But lucky for me, I be limmerating from outside the club ninety-nine times out of a hundred. Limerence with someone who actually likes you back sounds dangerous. So again, being in a bad situationship deserves more grace. Limerence can look like “you don’t even know her like that,” “y’all just met,” “why are you buying her stuff already?” Then, a hard crash to earth when you have to deal with the fact that you did not in fact know her like that.

One last reason before we get real

It’s not always you. People are weird. The most aloof, avoidant lil somebodies still be wanting intimacy. Whether on purpose or not, they play the role until they can’t anymore. I had someone take care of my dog, help me set up my new apartment, spend hours on the phone with me, introduce me to their friends, and still drop me like a hot tamale (if you get that reference, you owe me a dollar).

I’m sorry, friend. We have to get serious now.

Pop psychology is always doing her thing, and attachment style has become a really popular topic. She deserves to be popular when we look at her as a guide, not an identity. For more of that, I highly recommend Polysecure by Jessica Fern, whether or not you’re nonmonogamous.

As a middle schooler, I would bawl my eyes out over whatever was depressing me, and my mom would talk to me and tell me it would be okay. Through that, I learned to self-soothe and how to rely on the people I trust most to— Of fucking course not, she would see me crying and close the door back. I politely asked her to stop this routine and help, and she just didn’t. I didn’t have anyone else who might be safe, so I did learn to self-soothe, but I also learned bringing your big feelings to your loved ones makes them abandon you. Lots of folks have it worse. They had “stop crying before I give you something to cry about” parents and learned that feeling your feelings is dangerous.

In my young twenties, a friend and I talked about why it feels easier to be vulnerable with romantic interests, even if you don’t know them well, than anyone else. In my thirties, I have the answer. Their safety is in the fact that they are temporary. If some guy is aloof, he’s supposed to be that way, that’s how guys are. If your friend turns away when you share something real or your mom closes the door on you, that’s an abandonment you can’t shake off. When you’re young, it feels like your fault. It feels like proof something is wrong with you. So why would you continue to risk receiving proof you’re unlovable? You wouldn’t. You’d keep your relationships on the surface and ignore your need for depth. On that note…

You do not magically start knowing how to be loved properly

I grew up in a house with not much affection. I knew my mom loved me, I knew my relatives loved me, but I also noticed the difference between other people’s families and mine. For a long time, I figured that’s just how we were. But as I got older, I saw how family was not the source of support for me that it was for others.

All About Love by bell hooks is not the gospel, but it has good points. Mainly, that love has to be vulnerable. When you grow up with surface-level relationships, you might not know it at first because you are told your family loves you. You have a bond with your parents even if your parents know nothing about you. Even if your family doesn’t call, they are so excited to see you and hear about your accomplishments. That is what love looks like to you, and you accept it as normal even if it doesn’t look like TV or what your friends have. Maybe you grew up being told (loudly) that love is a roof over your head and food in your stomach. Maybe you learned to ignore the instinct that that was not enough.

In my teens and early twenties, the only place I felt safe getting physical or emotional affection was in the opposite sex. I’d be hurt when they left, but I didn’t yet know I was avoiding a much bigger pain.

As I got older, I had even more to navigate. Am I attracted to women, or do I admire them? Am I attracted to men or to masculinity? And as someone who’s rarely compatible with anyone, any little bit of compatibility truly felt like enough. It was better than nothing. Like when the thrift store is picked over and I start to like any old thing that’s halfway decent. I didn’t know that my lil’ queer ass would just have to leave the store sometimes even if it was a haul to get there. I couldn’t see the value in that yet.

I’ve known for a long time that my mom’s lack of emotional availability was a setup for my romantic relationships. Mostly because they played out the exact same way. More recently, between Polysecure and All About Love, I realized my whole childhood was a setup for all my relationships, including platonic ones. Way too many of my friends have just been people I catch up with and lose track of when I move cities. Very few are the kind of friend I send screenshots to for advice, exchange opportunities with, or know on a deeper level. Those books made me understand that I grew up with a lack of depth and recreated that in my relationships.

When you’re given a bad map, you end up lost. You end up chasing one thing thinking you’re chasing something else. It’s unrealistic to expect to automatically learn what your standards should be when you’ve barely seen anything but the bare minimum. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t let anyone else be hard on you either. You’ll need time and experience to learn and see other ways of being and honestly, to heal enough to have the courage to seek out something better when asking for better in the past has meant abandonment.

But it does get better

Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair (if you get that reference, you owe me two dollars). But life has gotten better the more I’ve found better people and better people have found me. Therapy of course helps too. One thing I’m lucky to have is vulnerability. I can feel my feelings, I can be honest with myself. Which is why I said self-love and self-worth aren’t always part of the situationship equation to me. I’ve always known letting sexual partners off the hook with the bare minimum or less wasn’t what I deserved, but at a certain point, I didn’t want to care. No one was checking for me, so why would I make the pool of nothing even smaller? As long as I was comfortable with them, I had to get my needs met somehow, and I had unknowingly made it so all my needs had to be met by people who couldn’t.

Therapy helped me take the risk to be vulnerable with others, not just myself. Folks who mattered and had shown they could handle it. Not gon’ lie, sometimes they actually couldn’t handle it. But I slowly learned that was not about me. And I slowly made more meaningful connections with family, friends, and romantic interests.

I think it’s easier to operate from a place of lack when you don’t know what you’re lacking. If a break from sex is what you need to understand what spaces you need to fill that aren’t… you know, so be it. You have options. But if you’re like me and refuse to deprive yourself, you can still learn yourself in the meantime. You can raise your standards without being a perfectionist if you so choose. You deserve sex and romance even if it’s not leading somewhere serious. And it gets easier to find that kind of love, or like, when you make room for the other kinds you might be missing.

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