Ok but listen, this is a REALLY AWFUL music video.

Q:

My friend is an aspiring musician and they recorded some songs and made a music video for one of their songs (just for their own YouTube channel, they paid for someone else to make the music video). They keep asking the group chat to promote their video, and that’s fine we will leave comments or like the video or watch it for them to help out. But they’ve been asking me specifically if I can promote the music video on my own social media, since I have more followers because of the work I do. The problem is that the songs are bad, and the music video is really awful. I just don’t feel comfortable putting my reputation behind it. Am I being absurd? It probably doesn’t really matter if I endorse one bad music video, I just can’t believe how bad it is, or that she thinks it’s good.

A:

Summer: You’re not being absurd. You’re not required to promote anyone’s work using your time and resources if you don’t want to.

I think it’s a little gauche to even ask friends or acquaintances directly for engagement. Now that’s definitely due to the way I perceive friendships and social media and you’ll definitely find people who feel differently about simply asking for views, clicks, and other engagement. But I definitely think it’s kind of off to ask someone to dedicate resources and labor to promoting your work, presumably for free. That suggests a lack of care for people’s time, resources, and image in the pursuit of personal gain.

It wouldn’t matter whether I think the content was high or low quality. Even if it was appropriate for your platform and field, your friend is asking for something that should be handled as a business engagement. Not a favor.

If you want to turn them down, my boilerplate response for something like this is: Hey, I’m glad you thought of me. I thought about it and I don’t think your content would be a good fit for my platforms and what I’m trying to accomplish. [insert some kind of compliment about their work]. I hope you find the engagement and success you’re looking for.
No remarks on your opinion of their work. No discussions about the nature of your friendship. Nothing mentioned about how that request is unfair to the person who takes it up. How a person responds to a plainly phrased and polite rejection will say a lot about them.

Drew: I agree with Summer that insisting anyone share their work is gauche. We all have such different relationships to what we do and do not do with our social media accounts. An ask is fine but then drop it if the friend doesn’t do it.

Anyway this is all to say that yeah you can respond to them directly or just hope they eventually drop it. (I do find this is why I’m mostly only friends with people I think are talented…)

Nico: I think it depends entirely on how you manage your social media. I personally hardly ever post anything so when I do say something, I feel like it makes it an endorsement?? But if you’re someone who posts everything everyone is doing all of the time, then each thing has less weight, if that makes sense. Unfortunately, I understand the bind you’re in. You want to be supportive of your friend and their ambitions, but you aren’t as much a fan of their work as you are their friendship. Unless you’re willing to have a conversation that could potentially end the friendship or cause some serious damage and hurt feelings for a while, I do suggest just gently ignoring or forgetting these requests or saying something like what Summer suggested. Like Summer and Drew have said, one request with no follow-up is fine if maybe a little gauche, but repeatedly asking is too much.

Unfortunately, sometimes, friendships and relationships can’t be as close because of a person’s creative work and their poor boundaries around that work. If you find that this person repeatedly does not respect what’s generally acceptable and keeps pressuring you, then it might be time to have a real conversation about your comfort zone when it comes to asks like these. Hopefully, you two come to an understanding, in that case, and it improves their relationships with you and others.

Riese: Firstly, I just want to say that this is very Marnie-from-Girls coded. I don’t know — I truly cannot imagine hounding a friend to promote something I created, I would feel so immediately paranoid that their refusal to do so indicated a dislike of the art itself that I’d be humiliated to even follow up with a second request! So in a way I kind of admire your friend just for having the confidence to keep believing in their work.

That said I do feel like, I don’t know — it’s a weird time to be an artist. And there are companies like whomever produced your friend’s music video and YouTube itself that benefit from the narrative that all self-produced work has a real shot at massive success if you’re just willing to Do the Legwork to Build Your Brand. There have never been more opportunities to be famous for fifteen minutes than there are right now! This is true in its own way across so many industries (and has been true in book publishing for so long), but I just feel like the “you too can make a viral video” industry is especially bananas. I mention this just because realizing that we are all cogs in that machine might help you understand where your friend is coming from in a more empathetic light in order to not let this annoyance with them impact your friendship. They’re most likely just… doing what they’ve been told to do if they wanna make it. Self-promotion is hard and humbling.

I think asking friends to comment or like your work is a fair ask, and you did that. Hounding you to do a bigger promotional push just because of your following is a bit rude, I think, and it’s making your friendship feel mercenary.

The thought of ever having sex again is mortifying

Q:

I had my first baby late last year and everything is mostly great! They’re sleeping through the night, my wife and I split up chores and childcare pretty easily, and I don’t think I experienced any postpartum depression/anxiety. The one issue is that I actually hate my body now. I can’t stand to look at myself naked and the thought of having sex again, ever, is mortifying. This isn’t about weight gain though. It’s the way my body is just unrecognizable to me now. Everything is stretched out and I feel like a sweaty bag of pudding. I mostly wear big flowy skirts and pants that are high-waisted and basically cover me up from my ribcage to my ankles.

I’ve tried working out, but it’s so hard to even get motivated to put on workout clothes that actually fit and don’t feel awful against my skin, and exercising just makes me think of my body more, and hate it more, because I’m so focused on it for that hour. My wife has been so supportive and sweet and has encouraged me to give it time, and genuinely doesn’t seem to mind how rearranged and floppy everything is now, and this makes me feel crazy. I almost wish she’d admit that my body is kind of repulsive right now! I feel like she’s got to be lying to make me feel better, but I really can’t feel better about this. I’ve complained about it to my friends and my sister, so it’s not secret that I feel this way, but they all seem to think that I’m not really serious.

I don’t think anyone understands how miserable I really am. I know that I should just be grateful for a healthy baby and a healthy body and a life that’s mostly great, and that makes me feel even worse. I don’t even know what my question is. I guess I’m wondering if this has ever happened to you or if you have any advice for feeling better in your own body?

Summer: Society doesn’t give enough credit to how impactful pregnancy can be, both mentally and physically. Emphasis is often placed on the newborn and its needs with reduced concern for the people who need to be sane enough to take care of it.

What you’re experiencing aligns with postpartum body dysmorphia. That is, the sensation of your body being ‘wrong’ or ‘out-of-place’ following pregnancy. It’s a form of body image disturbance that can appear in countless ways and is unfortunately tailored specifically for the soft-spots in your self-esteem. The feelings are often a mental-distress exaggerated version of reality. Pregnancy does cause the body to stretch and expand in many places to accommodate its functions. But our body can interpret that as an incredible disturbance or change in our physicality. Pregnancy can cause long-term changes in how the body acts, smells, feels, and moves. If our minds have existing body image issues, those will be magnified many times over.

Much of it has to do with the fact that a nutso amount of stuff happens to the body during pregnancy. Pregnancy and childbirth represent extremes of human endeavor. Extreme change in a short period of time. Intense emotions, high and low, at many stages. The process of 3D printing a human in 9 months is a biological marvel, but the intensity can happen at the expense of the person going through that.

You might not be experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety in the traditional sense, but you’re definitely experiencing some kind of postpartum disturbance that others aren’t picking up. If others aren’t picking up on it as strongly as you are, it’s a sign that there’s something disproportionately distressing happening in your head. That’s a discussion you may want to have with a mental health professional or a support group of recent mothers. In either case, a space where you can discuss these kinds of semi-taboo subjects with reasonably understanding people.

As to your wife and other loved ones… they probably aren’t seeing what you are because dysmorphia of any kind attacks internally. Your internal reality and perception of your body isn’t the same as theirs. There is no vision of your body that can be interpreted ‘objectively’ by a person. Even if we broke you down into constituent molecules and measurements, a person would still look at that and make a very human value judgment.
What I can best say for you is that what you’re experiencing happens to many people. It’s honestly really common but inadequately discussed because not enough care is given to people who’ve gone through recent childbirth. I hope you glean some hope from the fact that you’re not alone in your feelings and there are ways out.

Nico: I feel like there is a ton of discussion bubbling up around what people are not taught about the realities of pregnancy, including just how common postpartum body dysmorphia and all kinds of physical symptoms, after-effects, and potential permanent changes from pregnancy are. Because apparently it’s just not a priority to really lay out what birthing parents are going to be going through. From having had pregnant friends, I also understand that the hormones that can help keep some of these body feelings suppressed during pregnancy definitely change post-partum, and that their feelings change with them. Definitely what you’re going through is not uncommon at all, and people do say it passes with time — 1-2 years seems to be the consensus.

As for general body dysmorphia, if you haven’t gotten enough to have a good rotation yet — get some new exercise clothes that really fit comfortably. Also, I definitely recommend seeking out peer support. There are likely to be some postpartum support groups in your area where you can discuss these feelings with others going through similar struggles in a space where you might feel more comfortable venting than with your very supportive wife. She sounds lovely, but I also understand the frustration with wanting someone, anyone, to just get on your same plane of existence and be in the discomfort you’re feeling with you. I don’t think your wife is lying, but unfortunately, she’s probably not going to be the one to vent over the changes you’re going through with you, nor do I think she should be. You need multiple kinds of support, including the unrelenting love and appreciation of your wife.

If traditional exercise is difficult mentally right now, it might be a good time to try another form or something new that incorporates different elements besides going to the gym or doing cardio or lifting weights. Can you sign up for a local sports team? Are there any queer sports leagues in your area or hiking or biking groups you can join up with? I’m not sure where you’re at physically with what’s safe and appropriate for your body at this time, but you mention that you’re healthy, so I think that, especially because there’s a serious mental health component here, making exercise not so much about just exercise, but about engaging in a whole new activity, can be helpful, and it can be something you do just for yourself during this busy time. My hope here is that you can turn exercise into a reward and even a bit of an escape or “me time” as opposed to some kind of self-punishment focused just on the results. Movement and seeing all that your body can do can help you get more in touch with your body, to feel more at home, which is why I am recommending this.

As far as other work goes, have you discussed this with a therapist, or could you find a therapist who specializes in postpartum or body image work? You might also want to look into somatic exercises, which can help you to work with and release trauma where it’s stored in your body. A user on Reddit recommended this mediation. The thing is, your feelings are perfectly normal, and they are also brought on by the harmful and unrealistic expectations our society has for bodies. You don’t and you can’t force yourself to feel differently. You’ll need to work through these feelings in order to come to a better place, and you’re unpacking that stuff is really, really, really hard for people to deal with as a general rule. So, I hope you’re giving yourself patience and grace and opportunities to try new things.

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