Q:

I’m coming off of a 2-month casual dating scenario where I felt like I got mixed messages from them, but ultimately when they said they wanted the same things as me & we were on the same page, I believed them. Well, a week after they told me that, they ended things. It’s been a month and I still feel hung up on them. They were the first person I dated in several years (because I was healing from an abruptly ended 4-year relationship and then just not much luck online dating). They’re also the first person (I think) that I was sexually attracted to, and how I realized I was demisexual and not asexual (never got to tell them that though). They were the first person I felt comfortable saying “no” to in bed, and they made me feel so safe when they respected that and checked in with me. I also get crushes very rarely (like once a year) so I’m feeling so disappointed at that “wasted” potential.

I am still really struggling even though it’s been almost a month. I keep thinking maybe they’re an avoidant personality style and that they’ll come back and say they made a mistake & they do want to date me. I know this thought track is bad for me but I can’t help the “what-ifs”.

I know grief doesn’t have a timeline, but I feel so very stuck. Do you have any advice or words of wisdom for me?

A:

It really, truly sucks when someone you have good sexual chemistry with just isn’t feeling the relationship the same way you are. For one, sexual attraction and feeling safe and comfortable and into the sex you’re having are all awesome things, and for another, if you’re demisexual or ace spectrum — or have any number of things going on that might make finding such chemistry a less than common occurrence for you — it can feel like having the rug pulled out from under you when the connection stops.

The problem you’re facing here is that some people really do give off mixed messages. They might truly, in the moment, feel like what they are telling you is the truth. For some people who don’t excel at giving consistent communication that aligns with their general, overall feelings about a situation, they can say things they mean in the moment, but not mean those things long-term. When they want to think of themselves as a loyal and committed person, or they’re in a particularly affectionate mood, or if the pressure is on such as in a conversation where you’ve asked them directly about the relationship, someone who has some trouble with consistent communication might say what feels easiest and like the least-conflict-inducing thing to say. I’ve been there. You’ve been there. It really sucks to be on the receiving end of these communications, and now you’re left confused and hurt.

Add to all this that this is the first person you ventured into dating in years, after the end of a long-term relationship! I get that this hurts, for all these reasons and more, but it’s time to get to the words of wisdom and the getting over them:

Try to see the casual relationship for what it was, good and bad. It sounds like, overall, this was a positive experience. You mention wasted “potential,” but it also sounds like you got more than nothing out of this. You had two months of intimacy, dating, and sex that sound like they must have been pretty good. That’s not nothing!

Convincing or winning someone over into being in a more committed or consistent relationship is never going to work. This person possibly knew exactly how casual they wanted things to be and was likely just trying not to hurt your feelings. Should they have been more consistent and honest? Of course. But they weren’t. That doesn’t mean you have to torture yourself, though. That’s on them, and not you, and it doesn’t make either of you bad people, just maybe not compatible, especially when it comes to communication, which is essential in a relationship.

In this case, it might be a good idea to…put yourself out there and be disappointed (and disappoint others) a few more times. Not every relationship lasts a long time. Sometimes we date people for a little while, and there’s nothing majorly wrong, but it just doesn’t go further than a few short and sweet months. That’s just kind of how things are, but having come from either a very long-term relationship OR no relationship, I think you’re not used to the in-between (I’m also guilty of this, so speaking from experience).

The best you can do for yourself is to work on setting realistic expectations and doing your part to clearly communicate with any dates, partners, or prospective partners. Offer clarity, and if the kind of clear communication you’re offering isn’t reciprocated, definitely take that seriously and factor that into whether you want to continue the relationship as it is. You deserve to date people who will be up front with you, and who won’t tell you one thing one day, and run the next.

You mention “avoidant attachment” and there is much content out there these days about attachment theory, but it is apparently a lot more complex than the ways it’s reduced in pop psychology. People are individuals foremost and attachment styles…somewhere down the line after that. While using knowledge about one’s attachment style to build lines of communication with a partner and to manage conflict can be super helpful, letting yourself hang onto false hope because of attachment theory is not going to help you. If this person shows back up in your life, it’s up to you whether or not you give them a second chance, but, in my experience, once someone does something once, they often repeat the pattern unless they’ve done genuine work.

That is to say, if they show back up, it may just be until they get overwhelmed or change their mind or whatever occurred — and leave again. Sometimes, I think it’s important to focus on wanting what’s actually good for us. It probably wouldn’t be good for you if this person showed back up, swept you back into what feels like a whirlwind romance, and then broke your heart all over again. Even though you’re hurt and you want them to come back! Instead, I hope you can focus on wanting growth and peace and respectful, caring (and yes, fun!) relationships for yourself, whether those are casual and short or long-term or anywhere in between. I know you’re hurting, but you’re also going to get through this, and your hurt will fade with time and reflection.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

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