Q:
Hello lovely autostraddle writers! Long-time listener/reader, first time caller…
I have been dating one of my partners for almost a year. Since we’ve started dating they have been talking about potentially wanting to start hormones, and they made the big step recently to make an appointment with a provider to start those conversations. I’m so excited for them to be taking steps to feel more aligned with how they want to present!
I’ve been trying to find resources/advice for how to support a partner who is starting the process of taking hormones, but am really struggling to find information that isn’t transphobic. I’m also trans so coming across transphobic content is especially ugh for my brain, too.
I know there will be need to be a lot of conversations about what they’re feeling and conversations specific to how I can support them.
Most of my friends who are trans and take hormones, take T, and I’m unfamiliar with the experiences of folks who take other hormones. I’m unsure where to start to understand that experience specifically, think about how any changes they experience might impact me so I can process those feelings without putting any of that on them. I want to do as much work as I can to educate myself so I’m not putting any unnecessary labor on them.
I will also add, we are in the US, and so starting hormones has another layer of anxiety with what the recent election results might impact with access to hormones and things of that nature.
TLDR: do you have resources, support, advice, suggestions of folks to follow on social media, really anything, that might help me be a supportive partner and educate myself so I can show up in the best ways possible? Thank you!
Trying to be Supportive
A:
Hey, Trying to be Supportive
It’s always great to hear from people making transitioning a more joyful experience for us than burning it all down. I’ve had the fortune of going through that process with my girlfriend and you’ve already started making it happen for your partner. Kudos.
It’s only unfortunate that I reached your letter after the US election results arrived. There’ll be another layer of complexity due to this outcome, but we’ll get to that.
The shortest version I can give you about starting gender-affirming HRT (as opposed to other HRT) is that it’ll probably change a bit of everything and nothing at all. Sex hormones are central to our body’s functioning, and they impact every part of the experience of living. Some of those effects are negligible; others are very distinct. To complicate things, different people inscribe different values onto each of those effects so your partner will have a very personal set of opinions about each change that happens.
I had gender dysphoria about a few things that seemed irrelevant to other trans women near me. Meanwhile, I cared very little for some of my qualities I consider masculine, but they seem to be a constant source of distress for others. Gender dysphoria and gender euphoria are highly personalized experiences that can’t be predicted. The general trendline for your partner will probably be gradually improving well-being simply because they’re pursuing something they want and are sure of. They probably have a good awareness of what HRT does generally and what its benefits and risk profile looks like.
Your point about having lots of conversations about what they’re feeling is a good starting point. Your partner will experience new feelings and old feelings in new ways. They’ll have a physiological reaction that’ll change the way their body looks and works. If they haven’t had much experience with their targeted gender presentation, they’ll probably experience things they can’t quite put into words. Conversation can bring out those thoughts and reflections, but don’t be surprised to find situations where they’re just a bit lost about something and need to process. HRT is a long-term treatment — normally, lifetime. There is an entire rest of their life for them to grow into it and reflect on it.
The physical and emotional effects of HRT arrive pretty rapidly. I noticed my earliest signs within a day of starting estrogen and others around me always say they noticed something meaningful within a week or two. Physiological and mental changes are usually experienced intensely in the early months and years of HRT. Like any life-changing medical event, the changes are much more significant the closer you are to the past self. Eventually, the changes will settle in and your partner will grow accustomed to their new, altered body. One of my happiest moments was the realization that HRT can stop being novel and interesting. It’s just part of my existence now, and I can live as I wish without interruption.
As someone external to your partner, you’ll probably see as many emotional adjustments as physical changes. Much is said about the physical changes the body undergoes because that’s much easier to quantitatively assess. The interpersonal and emotional stuff? Quite unpredictable. Generally speaking, people starting testosterone often experience a mix of frustration, anger, and a higher sex drive. Often paired with a certain rigidity of emotion. People starting estrogen sometimes describe ‘unlocking’ new emotions and may react strongly to those. Estrogen also has a habit of reducing or altering the sex drive in ways that don’t just result in an aggressive need for SEX NOW.
Those generalizations are popularly repeated, even by trans people. And while there’s truth in such experiences, we’re all multifaceted people. For every trans-masc person who is trying to figure out why they’re so goddamned angry and horny (I empathize. I did masculine puberty once.), there’s one who feels completely mellowed out because their agitated dysphoria is finally silent. I fully expected to burst into tears at every minor provocation, but I don’t cry any more due to estrogen. My sex drive though? Completely changed. No idea how it works now.
What I’m saying is there’s no manual or guidebook on exactly how to support a trans partner. Honestly, being open to the idea of supporting their decisions and agency is already the most important step. You’ve done that, and as a result, you’ve probably alleviated a large burden for them already. Beyond that, be prepared to offer a listening ear to their frustrations and excitement as their body changes.
Most of what I said is equally applicable to supporting an adolescent as a trans person. Which is why I tend to discuss transition through the lens of a ‘second adolescence’. They share numerous characteristics, and the sudden arrival of new sex hormones is only the beginning. Puberty is mostly a physiological process in the body, and your partner will be going through some pubertal experiences, mostly related to their body adjusting to a new hormone setup. But like adolescence, transition isn’t just a physical thing. Trans people also have to learn new social scripts that align with their gender during transition. They’ll take up knowledge and experiences that shape their view of the world and other people. They’ll have to figure out which gendered social norms they’ll invite and which ones they’ll reject. And of course, there will be emotional experiences that are fresh, raw, and sometimes beyond description.
It’s really a lot like a second adolescence. And my advice mirrors that. You can safely discard many of your fears about doing things ‘right’ because there is no correct way, save for the one that respects your partner’s agency and care needs. I need to tell you that, because being close to someone in transition isn’t a relationship that pulls your space and resources. Your partner’s decision will change your life, too, and it’s just as important to maintain your well-being and keep a reflective mindset as you figure things out. Just listen, ask questions that enable both of you to learn, and be prepared to explain a few things that might seem intuitive to others.
As to the Trump thing… yeah. Sucks. If you’re in a red state, I’d begin aggressively researching what your state legislature’s current status on adult HRT looks like. And think about what ways it can get worse, because it probably will. Research avenues that’ll provide your partner with HRT (private care, Planned Parenthood, others) as they become necessary. This will be stressful, but keep apprised of material changes to trans rights in your state legislature. DON’T hurt yourself every day with an endless feed of murderous Republican rhetoric and the suffering of trans people. But DO make note of happenings in your state or region that could materially impact you in the here and now. Compartmentalize the damage so you don’t get flattened under the steamroller that is the 24/7 social media news and sewage cycle.
As for resources, this document is a classic that outlines significant parts of the HRT experience. It’s aimed at people who are thinking of transition, but there’s lots of valuable information there about the potential effects of HRT on individuals. It’s all presented in a careful and approachable manner.
As for communities, I will only recommend one, because I don’t believe in drowning people in ‘research’ and ‘sources’ when the topic is close to home. It can be all too easy to overwhelm a person whose mind is already racing. But I do give the subreddit /r/mypartneristrans my highest recommendation for someone in your position. It’s a community aimed at people in your exact position that provides a space for celebration, venting, concerns, and recommendations. I particularly enjoy it, because it does not maintain an aggressive no-bad-vibes policy and leaves room for pessimism, worry, and errors made by the partners of trans people. It’s quite well-moderated and active, too. I think you’ll find an interesting variety of people there in similar positions to yours and learn a lot right from the ground.
Look after yourself and your partner, and may you build the best possible life in the upcoming years.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
