Some of the biggest improvements to my well-being have come from reframing my views. It’s an agency-first approach to recovering from past bullshit that puts the power of words back in my control. Talking about my areas of improvement instead of my shortcomings. Learning about my support needs instead of characterizing myself as low- or high-functioning.
These lessons follow me everywhere in life, and they’re an impermeable part of my sex life, too. My favorite sex act I have reframed for myself doesn’t even involve other people. Instead, I began treating masturbation as solo sex with myself and reaped more than a few benefits.
I went through long stretches of life seeing masturbation as a lesser alternative to having sex with others. My masturbatory habits reflected my well-being: When my brain was running one serotonin molecule short of a full party bus, I’d masturbate, not just for pleasure, but to occupy my hands and mind. It was a hazy, chore-like thing that soured my opinion of it for years to come.
Why We Masturbate When Bored
Masturbating to make up for a lack in life is common. Everyone who masturbates feels it sometimes. Experts may call this ‘compensatory’ masturbation because it’s compensating for an unmet need. That absent factor is often sex, but it can also rise from emotional destabilization, disinterest in other activities, or simply boredom.
You probably know that feeling if you’ve been through a patch (or a lifetime) of depression. It’s perfectly okay to experience it, but there’s a risk of attaching negative connotations to masturbation in the long term.
Like all sex acts, masturbation isn’t just about sex. It’s also about everything else involved: a relationship with our body, our interests and fantasies, our self-esteem, and even things like trauma. Masturbation isn’t just about sex; it’s personal time that reveals a lot about how we’re feeling in the moment.
And like, I know most of us have experienced a downright sad session of solo ‘play’. But it’s not the best mindset to bring into every session. Unlearning the compensatory view of masturbation will open up possibilities. There are different options we can use to replace the old knowledge, but my favorite is still solo sex.
Why You Should Start Thinking of Masturbation as ‘Solo Sex’
Solo sex starts with seeing ourselves as beings who need healthy, well-balanced consent. We don’t have to maintain the exact same standard of autonomy we do others, but we can’t improve masturbation until we put ourselves on a pedestal worthy of our attention.
I’m talking about pausing occasionally to ask important questions we’d ask of a partner we love:
- How’s my relationship with my body?
- Am I looking forward to the next time with myself?
- What am I looking to get out of sex right now?
- Am I in the right headspace to keep going?
If this sounds a lot like reparenting, that’s because it is.
People (like me!) who are still working through sexual and interpersonal trauma often load ourselves with negative messaging. Much of it stems from feeling unworthy next to others. This filters down into our sex lives even when there’s nobody else in the room with us. Giving ourselves the care due to a partner we admire can help lift the weight.
Beyond subtly valuing ourselves more, the reframing has some other perks, too. It makes it easier to pick out special sessions to dedicate to solo sex. Hours that we can spend breaking our masturbatory routines and venturing to something new, like settling into the evening with a hot bath and your favorite audioerotica. With solo sex, you can get elaborate with accessories, toys, and all the trappings that make you feel sexy.
That’s what solo sex is about: learning to view ourselves as a wholly involved and deserving sexual partner who needs pleasure and respect.
Of course, the occasional small, quick session with the digits or a vibrator shouldn’t be discounted entirely. Happy sex lives are often balanced with rough quickies and devoted hour-long sessions. But with so many ingrained ideas about masturbation as the second-best sexual activity, it can’t hurt to elevate its place in our lives and approach it the way we would any healthy sex. After all, why shouldn’t we credit ourselves for the pleasure we can give to…ourselves?
