I love phone sex. I realize it’s not for everyone, theoretically, but I’d also like to lightly push back against that idea and say even if you think it’s absolutely 400% definitely not for you, no way, never ever thank you very much, I encourage you to receive this guide with an open mind. Honestly what most people really mean when they say they hate phone sex is that they are fearful of sounding foolish in the presence of a babe they are attracted to, which is a reasonable fear. But good news: much like in-person sex, if you’re having consensual phone sex, everyone is mostly just excited to be there! And, in the age of sexting, many of y’all who are shy about phone sex already know all the right moves – you just have to enact them with your speaking voice rather than your typing fingers.

I accept that phone sex is not for every single human, but I do think it’s for more of y’all than you might think. Let’s collectively get over our millennial fear of the phone and orgasm on speaker together! Here’s a very thorough how-to guide for approaching phone sex, from a chatty Capricorn slut whose greatest (PG-13) talent in life is never shutting up.

You’re welcome!

1. Ask your date if they wanna have phone sex

Phone sex is hot for people who like mutual masturbation, folks who are turned on by their date’s voices, anyone who wants to get really weird in the privacy of their own bedroom without a partner physically present but still wants to connect with said partner in a sexy and consensual way, busy Capricorns who love a good scheduled sex date, long distance couples… the list goes on. Phone sex can be hot for a variety of reasons, all of which are valid. Don’t be shy suggesting phone sex to a babe; you may get turned down, and that’s totally fine – we love and respect sexual boundaries! – but you won’t know until you ask.

2. Set the mood

Once you have solidified consent from your date for your phone sex adventure, go ahead and think about setting the mood. This involves both setting up your own mindset around the date and also checking in with your activity partner to see what they’re hoping the vibe will be like.

For your own personal experience, I’d consider if you want to view this as like a Date with a capital D and get all dressed up and formal about it, or if part of the benefit for you is that the other person won’t be seeing you so you want to be in cozy sweats. You may want to consider the lighting and temperature in your bedroom and make sure your housemates are at soccer practice when the whole thing occurs, or you may feel fine literally crouching in the closet of your childhood bedroom at your parents’ house and whispering your moans furtively while the rest of your family fights over a board game.

As for setting the mood with your date, you can either make a really solid plan or let things happen organically. You’ll be shocked to hear I love a really solid plan, but it doesn’t have to go that way. What I mean is: some folks (me) like to make an actual Google Calendar event for a phone sex date, one that includes a day and a time. Some folks, once they know phone sex is on the table, want to allow dirty talk to be something that occurs more organically in a regular phone call and that then may or may not turn into full-blown phone sex.

I personally think it is less anxiety provoking to know for a fact that you’re gonna have phone sex on X day at Y time so you can get yourself all mentally and spiritually prepared, but I ruefully acknowledge that may not be true for everyone. I would suggest, especially for your first few times, that you pick the option that puts you most at ease.

3. Gather your accessories

It is really annoying to be in the throes of phone sex and have to pause because your phone or your vibrator is about to die, or because you wanna use a butt plug but you’re all out of lube, etc etc etc etc. Phone sex can be just as elaborate as any other kind of sex, and you should make sure you have all the relevant stuff within arms reach before you get started. Charge your shit! Pre-clean your toys! Locate your sex blanket before you make the call, not when you’re seconds away from squirting! Here are some things you may want easy access to when you’re about to have phone sex: a fully charged (or plugged in) phone, sex toys (clean and fully charged), lube, condoms, gloves, porn videos, written erotica, a glass of water, a snack (lol, but true!). This is by no means a complete list – add or subtract items based on what is most important and helpful to you.

4. “What exactly do I do and what exactly should I say?”

The number one question I get when people talk to me about having phone sex is also the most basic: what the fuck do I do? So let’s set this up from start to finish. You’ve already checked in with the person on the other end of the line about having phone sex and they are down! You’ve either made a date and called them at the specified time, or you’ve agreed it’ll happen organically and you want to try it out now. What next?

If possible, I like to have my phone on speaker. It frees up your hands to do whatever you need to do and it allows you to easily keep your phone plugged in and charging the whole time. If you can’t have the phone on speaker that’s fine – I just balance the phone against my ear with my shoulder/neck in those cases but some of my pals like to use headphones and one even uses a bluetooth device – fancy! I will also point out here that the logical next step after phone sex is… FaceTime sex. Yes, really! Putting a plug in your ass while your long distance lover watches from thousands of miles away is peak romance! Watching your babe watch you fuck yourself is extremely hot. If everyone involved feels comfortable with FaceTime, I 100% recommend it. Make sure you balance your phone on something sturdy if you go this route.

If you’re shy or have never had phone sex before it is probably going to feel awkward at first. That’s okay. A nice easy way to begin is literally just describe how you’re feeling or what you’re doing to yourself. You could say “hearing your voice gets me so excited” or “I’m thinking about last time we were together when you fucked me on the kitchen floor” or “I just took off my pants” or “I’m lying on my bed in those pajamas you like and I’m hard for you” or “I’m tracing my nipples the way you would if you were here.” Then… keep going. If you’re both comfortable being verbal, you’ll naturally fall into a rhythm taking turns describing what you’re each doing. If there are awkward silences or times when you both speak at the same time and overlap, just laugh about it together. Sex is fun and weird and silly, and phone sex is no different.

Once you’ve described what you’re doing to your bod, tell your phone sex friend what you’d like to be doing to them, either right now or in the future. Some examples include “if you were here right now I’d get on my knees for you” or “you deserve a spanking for that” or “would you let me play with your hair please” or “I wish I were sucking on your fingers right now” or “next time I see you the first thing I’m gonna do is bend you over and eat your ass.”

If it feels intimidating to narrate what you’re doing to yourself in real time or to come up with a lot of things you’d like to do to your partner, you can reminisce about something you’ve already done together. It’s super hot to think back to a very positive sex experience, and if you both know the story, you can chime in and help each other remember all the explicit details until you’re both so close to orgasm no one is remembering anything. Another way to beat that intimidating factor: read erotica together or watch porn together. You can rely on the narratives other people have created when engaging in phone sex. Literally just being on the line together and masturbating quietly with occasional moans and whimpers is hot. There are so many ways to engage in phone sex and being extremely verbose is not a requirement to having a good time!

It’s also possible one partner will be more shy than the other, and as long as you’re both okay with it, it’s totally fine for one person to do a lot more talking than the other. It’s very hot to listen to a person you’re attracted to essentially narrate a masturbation session inspired entirely by you and your presence on the phone call, so if you’re the more vocal babe don’t worry about the more silent babe being bored or not into it (unless they explicitly tell you they’re not into it and don’t wanna do it anymore, obviously). That said, even the most confident dirty talking babe in the world can get a little worried that a silent phone sex partner is not having a good time, so if you are they less talkative human, try to reciprocate a little bit by telling your babe how good they sound, asking them specific questions about what they’re doing, and generally expressing that you are delighted to be having this sexual experience with them, even if you’re more into listening than vocalizing at this particular moment.

I also want to point out that no matter how shy or how confident you are, sometimes we feel nervous about bringing up new things in sex, and phone sex is a great time to be brave and verbalize new things that are hard to say in real life. If you’ve wanted to experiment with role playing or certain sex acts, it can feel safer to speak them into the phone when you’re not actually physically in the same space as your partner and see how that feels for everyone! I would bring these up before you’re actually having sex – if you’ve never called your partner a slut before and aren’t sure if she’ll be into it, and she ends up hating it or feeling disrespected instead of sexy, that can really kill a mood – but if everyone is on the same page and you just haven’t taken the plunge IRL, the phone can be a good first step.

Phone sex can be a quickie or an elaborate scenario, but no matter the length of the sex or the number of orgasms (zero is fine! One is fine! Fourteen is fine!) I like to conclude with the equivalent of cuddling on the phone. What this looks like to me is debriefing with questions like “how did that feel to you?” and “what was your favorite part?” and “do you want to do anything differently in the future?” and giving lots of compliments like “it was so hot when you said my name right before coming” or “you have the sexiest voice I have ever heard” or even just an honest “fuck I really wish you were here right now!!!”. Everyone’s post-sex routines are a little different, but especially if it’s your first time having phone sex, I think a lot of compliments and praise and validation is nice because you just did a vulnerable thing and it’s nice to be assured that you did a great job and that it was a hot and positive experience for everyone involved.

5. If you run out of things to say…

So okay, you agree to try phone sex, you’re mentally prepared, you set the mood, you take all this advice, you try your best… but you just know you’re gonna get shy in the moment and run out of things to say, or maybe you’ve already tried this and you have actually not known what to say in the moment and it’s making you never want to try again. Never fear, my sweet shy anxious friends, this section is for you.

As I said in step 4, here are my go to things to describe during phone sex: what you’re doing to yourself right in that moment, what you would like to be doing to your partner right in that moment, what you imagine you could be doing if you were together. You can, as I suggested above, describe a positive sexual experience you’ve had together, read erotica, or watch porn. Moaning, grunting, heavy breathing, and eventual orgasms are also great things to “say.”

But what else? You can get bossy during phone sex and instruct your partner with what you’d like them to do to themselves. You can repeat back exactly what was instructed to you – like, “Yes Mommy, I do have three fingers in my pussy right now.” You can ask questions. You can recount a sex dream. You can share a fantasy. You can keep a masturbation diary and read it out loud. You can gag yourself and allow your muffled orgasms to speak for themselves.

My favorite thing to fall back on, when in doubt, is compliments. Before, during, and after sex, who doesn’t love to hear what a goddamn babe they are? Tell your sex partner how hot they are, tell her how thinking about her on all fours makes you soaking wet, tell them how good they sound on the phone, tell them that you’re gonna fantasize about your phone sex session next time you jack off… if you’re having a good time, it shouldn’t be too hard to think of ways to compliment the babe you’re having phone sex with. When in doubt, default to this – I can almost promise it will be well received, and it may prompt your babe to reciprocate, which is a very nice bonus (and also takes the pressure off you for a minute because once your partner starts talking, you can stop worrying about what to say, at least for a moment).

6. Make your next phone sex date ASAP

Duh. Enjoy!

Do you love phone sex? Do you hate it? Did I leave out a crucial piece of info or a great tip you’d like to share with the class? I’ll see you in the comments.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!