For some women, threesomes are a secret sexual fantasy that feels like almost too much to voice. For others, they’re a casual Tuesday morning before work.

Whether you’re in a (mostly) monogamous relationship looking to do something and someone different, in a non-monogamous relationship and looking to have other types of sex together, trying to figure out a good way to sleep with this couple you have a crush on, or three strangers googling “how to have your first lesbian threesome” after a very intriguing evening on Tinder, here’s how to have a successful lesbian threesome.

How Do Lesbian Threesomes Even Work?

Threesomes are when three people who find each other hot and want to have sex together have sex. Don’t overthink it.

How Do You Talk About Having A Threesome?

The way you approach your threesome will be slightly different according to whether or not you’re in a relationship and what it looks like.

If you and your girlfriend are having a threesome: If you and your partner are having a threesome, you should take some time to talk together in advance. Figure out what your boundaries are together, what you want and don’t want from your threesome, and what you need from each other to feel safe and comfortable and good. Don’t expect to cover everything in only one conversation, and make sure you’re on the same page before anyone else is in the equation.

If you have a girlfriend who won’t be part of the threesome: If you’re in a consensually non-monogamous relationship and having a threesome and a partner won’t be there, take some time to talk together in advance about what you both need to feel secure instead of jealous. Do you share every detail? Very few details? Are any acts off limits? If you’re in this situation, you both likely already have a strong set of communication skills and established boundaries, but checking in is always a good idea.

If you’re single: If you’re single, you still have to check in about boundaries and what you want and need — with yourself. Whether you’re sleeping with a couple or with two other uninvolved people, be prepared to know what you want and don’t want and to advocate for yourself.

When all three of you talk: When all three of you talk, it should be a conversation between three individuals. If there’s an existing couple involved, it’s okay if they talk about their boundaries without the third person present, but when everyone comes together it should feel like three people having a conversation, not like two people laying down rules that they expect a third to follow. There should also be open communication between everyone, not one person relaying what another might or might not want on behalf of both of them.

In addition to the usual conversations about consent, pronouns, and bodies, here are some things to talk about:

• Safer sex. What are everyone’s individual safer sex practices? Which safer sex practices will you be using? Does anyone have any latex or lube allergies? (Nitrile gloves and organic lube are great places to start.) Who’s bringing the barriers and lube?

• What types of sex and touch does everyone want to have or not have? Does anyone want to do certain things with one person but not with another? What about oral? What about strap-ons? What about different types of penetration? In boy-girl-girl or boy-boy-girl threesomes the question of what or who goes where seems obvious (though it isn’t really), but in girl-girl-girl or queer-queer-queer threesomes anything can be anything and nothing can be taken for granted.

• If you’re kinky, what’s the scene?

• If you’re vanilla, what specific acts do you want to do, and how does that work out logistically?

• What does everyone want to happen after you’re done having sex?

• Regardless of your relationship dynamics, who goes where?

Who Goes Where?

One of the hardest questions to answer in a lesbian threesome is, “who goes where?” At their most straightforward, the options are:

• one person focusing on two people
• two people focusing on one person
• two people fucking, one person watching
• everyone fucking everyone and seeing what works

What dynamic you follow should be part of your initial conversations and planning, even if it seems obvious based on your existing relationships, what ways you each want or don’t want to have sex, or your kink orientations.

It’s important to remember that if everything flows organically, there’s a chance that two people will pair off and leave the third left out. If that’s not the plan, everyone should stay aware of everyone else. If you notice that someone is less involved, saying something like, “Can you help hold her down while I fuck her?,” “Can we make out while [person] spanks me?,” “Come closer so we can touch you,” “I want to watch you fuck yourself while we fuck” or whatever specific suggestion fits the moment can help everyone reengage together. Try to avoid nonspecific language like “it’s okay to touch us,” or “can you pass the lube,” which might cement a more separate dynamic and make it feel harder for the third person to reengage.

If you’re the person left out, it’s also important to get out of your own head. Especially if you’re sleeping with two people who have an established sexual relationship, it can feel like you don’t know what you’re supposed to be doing or where you’re supposed to go. Remember that you were invited to be there, you’ve had all the conversations about it you need to, and it’s okay to jump in.

Other Ways To Not Be Awkward

Be prepared.

Be courteous.

Ask for what you need and advocate for yourself, whether you want multiple orgasms or a glass of water.

Listen when other people tell you what they need, whether it’s multiple orgasms or a glass of water.

If there’s a chance that each set of two people can sleep together before all three people try to sleep together, take that opportunity. It can make it easier to figure out your dynamic as a trio, and make everyone feel more comfortable.

Get naked as quickly as possible. You’ve talked about everything, so when you meet up for your threesome, it’s okay to dive in. The more you stand around not initiating the sex you’re all there to have, the easier it is to start to feel really awkward or get caught up in your head. You don’t need to depend on drugs or alcohol to relax and you don’t need to wait until it’s so late at night you can barely keep your eyes open. And you don’t need to wait for someone else to initiate, either. You all have the same agenda and, obviously keeping enthusiastic consent in mind, it’s okay to act on it and acting on it will make it ultimately less awkward.

Get off on watching. Threesomes are in part an opportunity to watch two people you find hot and want to have sex with have sex with each other. Revel in that opportunity.

Bring your favorite shareable sex toys. If you usually fuck with a certain strap-on, love that one paddle that feels like an extension of your arm, or carry a vibrator in case a partner needs one, bring them. Make sure the toys are easy to clean. Put vibrators inside gloves or condoms and switch the barriers between partners. Use condoms over strap-ons. If you’re kinky, avoid drawing blood or spanking someone across the vulva or asshole with any toy you want to use with more than just her.

Bring sex toys you like to use alone. If you need a vibrator to come and want to come, bring that vibrator. If you want to fuck yourself with a metal dildo while someone rides your face and someone else holds you down, bring that metal dildo. If you want to be flogged across the vulva, bring a flogger that’s safe to do that with.

What To Do After Your Threesome

After sex, take some time to connect in non-sexual ways. Head out for or share dinner, drinks, breakfast or ice cream. Whether you’re aiming for a one night stand, an ongoing dynamic, or just seeing where things go, give everyone a chance to gently come down and bond as individuals in the world as well as individuals who just fucked. Especially in dynamics that involve an established pair, going out afterwards can help keep everyone from feeling objectified. Basically, the vibe should be “we’re all connecting as human beings who respect each other as people and not as breathing sex objects.”

Also, forget about being “cool.” If you had a great time last night, text that you had a great time last night. If you felt uncomfortable and need to talk about it, talk about it. If you want to have another threesome, say you want to have another threesome!

Lesbian Sex 101 is Autostraddle’s series on how to have lesbian sex for queer women and anyone who finds this information applicable to their bodies or sexual activities.

Sex ed almost never includes queer women or our experiences, so we’re exploring pleasure, safety, relationships and more to make that information more accessible. A lot of the language in these posts is intended to make them easy to find on search engines.

Some of the body parts we talk about will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the pronouns will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the sexualities will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the language will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Take what you want and what applies to you or what you can make apply to you and your partners and your experiences, and leave the rest!

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