I’d like to start by saying how glad I am that you’re here! Pursuing a career in the sanguine arts is one of the most fulfilling — and important — among the sidhe. After all, if we weren’t here to fill mortal men’s hearts with terror that the pretty woman talking to him might just be out for his blood, who knows what would happen? Why, they might even feel safe walking alone at night!
Now I know you’ll have a lot of questions; I hear them all the time. How exactly do I go about preying on foolhardy mortal men and filling my cauldrons with their blood? Will I have to spend a great deal of time with them first, listening while they talk about their deep affinity for Morrissey and how women just don’t understand sports? Well don’t worry, I’m here to talk you through the basics.
First, use your fairy magic to make yourself look like something the patriarchy wants to fuck. I know, I know, that’s all of us, but I mean the thing that it says it wants to fuck most of all. Long flowing hair, bitten lips and an unlikely silhouette. That sort of thing. Don’t worry, it’s not permanent; you only need to keep it up long enough to get the job done.
Now the next stage is deciding whether you have the patience to engage in long term emotional labour. It’s OK if not, joining the ranks of the Baobhan Sith — those blood-drinking, hard-partying ladies from the Highlands — is a perfectly respectable career choice. All you need to do is join up with some likeminded women, throw a bitching party in the middle of the forest and wait for the men to come to you. Location is of prime importance here, so make sure you pick a group of young trees for your party spot; you’re looking for just enough coverage to dance in and out of alluringly. Likewise, make sure you pick a night with moonlight; while a little darkness is mysterious, too much and your victims aren’t going to be able to find you. Once you’ve got this down all that’s left is a little bit of frenzied dancing to warm up and get your victim’s blood moving before getting down to the business of tearing his throat out.
While this is ideal if you’re a “wham bam oops I ate you all up” kind of girl, if you’re passionate about extracting a little protracted vengeance first you might want to try hooking up with the Dearg Due (caution: she might not be into sharing). Ireland’s most beautiful woman, she was assigned Ireland’s least pleasant husband because patriarchy sucks. Locked in a tower, seeing no one but him, she starved herself to death to get away from him — and, thanks to a loophole in her religion, unlocked the secret to undead eternal life in the process. Though not a fairy per se, she might appreciate some company as she roams the land, torturing and then consuming every young man stupid enough to come near her. If it turns out that she’s not looking to form a vampiric girl squad though I’m sure she won’t feel like you’ve stepped on her toes if you encourage your local Baobhan Sith coven to try playing with their food first. After all, it’s good to diversify, and she can’t avenge herself on the entire male population of Ireland singlehandedly.
Now if you do feel up to performing extended emotional labour for a self-absorbed manchild, the ranks of the Leannan Sidhe are always recruiting. Part therapist, part mentor, part life-force-consuming monster, this is a vocation, not a job. There’s no such thing as nine to five with this career, so you have to really love creating art and eating art bros to do it.
Though you’re encouraged to be proactive and seek out prey for yourself, if you don’t have it in you to be a talent scout, don’t worry; one will be assigned to you instead. It’s important to note that when choosing a victim that innate talent matters much less than immaturity, neediness and a belief that he’s entitled to a beautiful girlfriend who’s willing to workshop whatever he’s working on for free. Be prepared to tell him what a wonderful poet/artist/musician he is at least three times a day, and to spend interminable hours going over his half-finished screenplay about a misunderstood writer and whatever hair colour of manic pixie dream moppet he’s into this week.
As this is a slow burn sort of operation, you might want to keep several struggling artists/musicians/creative sorts on the go at once if you’re up to it. Staggering them will ensure you have a steady supply of poetic male blood to fill your cauldron throughout the month. You’ll have less time to yourself that way but sometimes that’s preferable to regularly pulling several-dayers at the end of the month because you’re running low. Invest in a day planner; you’ll find it’s a succubus-muse’s best friend.
Remember darlings, self care is important — particularly for the Leannan Sidhe, as you will usually work alone and lack the support structures of the Baobhan Sith. Make sure you make time for you. Try bathing in human blood — not to effect some spellwork but just for you — and attending lesbian orgies under the waning moon at least once a month. This should leave you feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, ready to slowly suck the life out of an unsuspecting human male all over again. A happy, energised fairy vampire is a productive one.
The work we do here is vitally important to the work of keeping human men appropriately terrorised and no contribution is too small. Even if you can’t sustain the work longterm and are only with the department for a short period of time your contributions are necessary and they are appreciated. One cauldron full of blood is one cauldron we didn’t have before!
This is the best thing I’ve ever read!
Does it involve an overweight Twilight fan that drones on about feminism?
u lost?
Someone eat him before he tells the others what we’re doing.
<3 !!!
So, where do I send my resume?
“How to Become a Deadly Misandrist Fairy Vampire” is the best headline I’ve ever read.
taking up the toast’s mantle for sure!
This is the nicest thing anyone’s said yet!
This is definitely one of the reasons why I read Autostraddle (and that title is top notch)
I loved this Siobhan thank you! #TeamBaobhanSith
Same tbh, who has the spoons for that much emotional labour?
Right?
You had me at “All you need to do is join up with some likeminded women, throw a bitching party”
Like, that’s basically my every weekend. Except for the bit where I try to allure men to the party. Mind you they always seem to find me anyway *sigh* I mean I should really just become a faerie vampire because it would just be easier
I’ve always wanted to be a fairy vampire! Where do I sign up?! =^.^=
P.S. three of your links are broken. The only that work is the very first one
Oh! And totally team Baobhan Sith! Mainly because it has “Sith” in the name and I’ve always preferred the Sith over the Jedi XD
If my childhood obsession with Irish fairytales and my ongoing obsessions with Final Fantasy and Persona have taught me properly, sith and sidhe are the same word! Siobhan pls correct me if I am grossly offbase here tho.
I will be a deadly misandrist anything
SAME
That’s the spirit.
As appealing as this career change sounds, just think how much time you’d have to spend laundering man-blood out of your robes… ugh.
That’s what ensorcelled humans are for!
Well-chilled tonic water, gin, and soap. Separately mix the tonic water with the gin and the soap. Drink the gin, use the soap.
Lemon juice and rubbing alcohol, my pal.
This article both gives me life and makes me miss the Toast like an amputated limb.
srsly can autostraddle just hire mallory already??
Yeah, I actually scrolled down looking for the “tip the toast” button, so thank you for this.
Also, how did my cold, dark, misandrist heart go so long without ever learning of the baobhan sith? What other mysteries of olde lore are there for me to learn?
Stick around or go follow my Patreon because I will take you on a wild ride.
omg so in Malaysia there’s this legend of Puteri Gunung Ledang, or the Princess of Mount Ophir, who is “celestial” and thus probably a fairy by Malay standards
so the Sultan of Malacca is madly in love with this chick but she’s not that into him, so as a way to get rid of him she gives him more and more absurd conditions in the guise of “testing his love for him”
now of course the Sultan is a prideful dumbass and reads this as CHALLENGE ACCEPTED instead of TAKE THE FUCKING HINT so he brings his state into ruin by trying to fulfil the princess’s demands:
(copied from the Wiki article coz lazy)
– A golden walkway for her to walk to Malacca from the mountain,
– A silver walkway for her to return from Malacca to the mountain,
– Seven barrels of tears (specifically tears from virgin girls) for her to bathe
– Seven barrels of young beetlenut juices from Betel Tree (Areca catechu) for her to bathe
– Seven trays filled with hearts of germs,
– Seven trays filled with hearts of mosquitoes, and
– A silver bowl of the blood of the Sultan’s young son.
in some versions of the legend he doesn’t manage to get any of those sorted, in some others he does the first six but falters at killing his son because OH NOES LEGACY WHAT DO
and there’s also a side legend of this princess stabbing her husband to death because he won’t stop tickling her and if that’s not deadly misandry i don’t know what is
All of that is intensely cool and if you don’t mind she may get her very own entry in this column!
YESSSSSS
I can help translate some of the Malay if you get stuck!
Can’t wait to read more about her! Especially her stabbing her husband for tickling her.
*Shudders!* Tickles are horrifying and evil
Genius. Thank you!
None of the hyperlinks are working, and my sadness is infinite.
I’m sorry about that, try taking the part of the link between quote marks out of the url that appears in the browser after you open it and seeing if that works.
Have the quote marks been processed as smart quotes by any chance?
I’m glad to contribute whatever I can for the cause.
Is this considered cultural appropriation? Or no because Irish folk are white and it’s ok to take their stuff.
Dude, before you let lose with that particular false equivalence there you might have wanted to check my name. I’m Irish.
Also, like, reporting on something (especially something that isn’t a closed culture or a secret culture) isn’t appropriation of any sort.
Well given that the author is called Siobhan, I’m gonna go with no. Also, this stuff isn’t particularly sacred to the Irish and this in no way oppresses us or takes away our autonomy or commodifies our myths, so again, no. Cultural appropriation =/= “you cannot talk about something from another country ever”.
Kys
My name is Shirley, i’m here to give my testimony of how i became a vampire . Long time ago,a friend of mine told me that Vampires are real and i doubted it at the first place,not until she confessed to me that she is one of them. and that she got turned/initiated by home of vampires. She told me the reason she had to became a vampire,at first i was scared of her but later she made me understand that i need not to be scared and that becoming a vampire will only make me live longer than expected,become famous and be able to fight all my enemies which i later agreed to become,i never thought it was real not until recently.
Am very proud to be one of them now,i have no reason to be scared to give my testimony to the world. In case you are interested,just contact the bellow email.
Email: [email protected]