Welcome back “How Happy Could I Make…”  a semi-regular column wherein I deep dive on a randomly selected group of characters to see if I, one woman with mommy issues, could make them happy. Previous features have covered Iconic Mean Moms of TV and Disney Villains, and this roundup is in some ways a combination of the two! That’s right, it’s time I tackled our beloved Yellowjackets, and asked myself the question on everyone’s lips: Can I single handedly fix their trauma? Let’s find out together! Stingers up!

Other Tai

I will admit her scariness does make her hotter.

Absolutely the fuck not. I do not enjoy surprise wake ups, and being woken up to be led on a spooky walk outside where a man without eyes could appear?? Much like Tai, I have no idea what Other Tai wants, but I am 1,000% certain I simply could not give it to her, no matter how amazing her hair looks! Sorry to this terrifying woman!

Marriage Rating: -1,000,000/10

Natalie

Yes of course I ship Nat/Lottie I have EYES

I do not think it is out of the realm of possibility that Nat and I could have a fun night or something. Maybe even a good brunch! But a regular life? No, I don’t think so. Funnily enough, I think we are too similar!

Sure, I haven’t, you know, been in a plane crash and lived in The Wilderness™ nor do I have that resulting trauma to work through, but Nat and I both tend to withdraw when we need to reach out and ask for help. We’d have a few good times sprinkled with long periods of resentment and lashing out at each other for literally no reason. The good times would be good, I’ll say that. One thing is for sure — we would never run out of eyeliner, and that’s something.

Marriage Rating: 1/10

Misty

She is right about Starlight Express, I’ll give her that

Misty and I would have a gorgeous honeymoon phase bolstered by our love of musicals and general theater kid vibes. But after we saw everything that is currently up on Broadway and argued about Andrew Lloyd Webber (a few hits, too many misses, generally annoying), our gorgeous façade would crack — quickly. First of all, there is a bird in the house. I can’t live with a bird flying willy nilly in my home?? How could you ever sit down comfortably, knowing that at any moment a giant, long living, chatty dinosaur could just soar right in front of you? I am not about that life! And though I think her advice for dealing with cops is perfect, Misty is simply too needy. I would want to be alone one time and…well, we all know how Misty deals with being rejected.

Marriage Rating: 2/10 

Shauna

I, too, would look at Callie like this

For the most part, Shauna and I would get along, I think! I have a tendency to be…a bit incurious, at times? Specifically when it comes to wondering about the internal motivations of other people — I’ve got a lot going on in my own head! Which means I would have almost zero questions about anything she wanted to get up to, no matter the time of night. If our minivan was missing and she wanted to get it back, well, go off sis! It’s possible I would bore her, and I know that when Shauna is bored she tends to act out in the worst ways imaginable. And look, kids are hard, I get that, but I cannot take part in raising a daughter with such bummer vibes! On the bright side, I would happily give her a break from cooking! Seems like it would be better for everyone if she took a step back from the stove.

Marriage Rating: 4/10

Taissa

We would go through so much conditioner.

For all the terror I feel watching any episode of Yellowjackets, there is one overpowering thought that I literally cannot help but fixate on, and that is: TAI ARE YOU ACTIVELY SENATOR ELECT RIGHT NOW OR WHAT????????  Girl! GIRL! We have bigger fish to fry! Some version of you has, and I hate to bring this up — killed your dog and made a spooky alter with its ding dang HEAD. Your family is in ruins and you are out here hitch-hiking to your ex’s place courtesy of registered voters??? No ma’am! No you are not! You are calling the outgoing Governor’s Office and you are stepping down! This instant!

…that being said, Tai is so stupidly hot I actually might be able to get over the whole Other Tai thing. And, as much as I need her to take a break from public office, I would be a banging political spouse! My charity lunches would be the hottest ticket in town, I guarantee it. Plus, if the whole elected official thing didn’t work out, the two of us are a dream team for your Mixed Chicks, your Sheas Moisture, etc. We’d never have to buy hair products again! A dream!

Marriage Rating: 6/10

Van

Noted Bill Pullman stan!

Sure, we don’t know a ton about Adult Van as of yet, but we have gleaned some pretty important details. One, her store is called “While You Were Streaming,” which is perfect and the greatest shout out to one of my favorite romantic comedies that is mostly about loneliness. Two, she lives in Oberlin, which is very similar in vibes to the Hudson Valley, where I grew up. Three, she mixes up pop culture metaphors when upset! I do that all the time! I want to ask her opinion on all the great hang out sitcoms of the last 20 years — I bet she loves Cougar Town as much as I do! Would she play Penny Can with me? Sure, she’s got her…stuff from her past, but one can only assume she is ignoring it in favor of getting hyper-invested in pop culture, and that frankly makes her perfect to me!

Marriage Rating: 9/10

Lottie

Sorry to be an online dyke but: MOTHER.

“Christina! She runs a cult! In the woods! How would you survive?!” I know, I can hear you yelling at the screen as you read this. First of all, fine, I am not really into like, ~*~intentional living~*~*~, or heliotrope as a shade of purple, or frankly, living in the woods. Consider this counterpoint: Look at her. I would do quite literally anything she wanted me to do, and for all her…erm, flaws? I do think she might be the only person on earth who could get me to open up! Maybe I don’t need therapy after all, maybe all I need is a sharing circle. Not to mention, I am quite good at making tea to all kinds of exacting specifications. I would move heaven and earth to keep her happy, and all she would have to do is frown a little petulantly and I would be putty in her hands. I mean, her hair alone! Granted, I did once have a dream where in I was brushing Shohreh Aghdashloo’s hair and even though we didn’t speak for the entirety of it, it was top among my hottest dreams. I guess it’s possible I’m “unwell,” but catch me hand washing silk caftans in the river or whatever — my wife needs her outfits!

Marriage Rating: 22/10

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