Welcome back to my unwell series “How Happy Could I Make..” a series wherein I take characters that strike my fancy from pretty much any medium, and decide if I would be a good wife for them. I’ve debated on the Yellowjackets, Iconic Mean Moms from TV, Disney Villains, and Severance! This week, we’re going to Thailand with the deeply troubled characters of The White Lotus!  

As always, I have picked a random selection of characters based on my heart, there is no process for this, just vibes! 

Mook 

 I am a lil suspicious of Mook — do you want Gaitok or not, boo? Why neg him into asking you out and only to be like “don’t be silly” and flounce off? Which is not to say I am against flirtation out of boredom, because I am not, let me tell you. You just can’t push it too far! That being said, Mook is so stunning and Lisa actually so good at acting I was a little surprised? 

Could I make Mook happy? Honestly, I am not sure! We don’t really know what Mook wants, do we? Sure, she would probably like not have to wait on rich white people to make money for the rest of her life, and I respect and hear that, but who is Mook, really? A dastardly criminal? A sweetie flirt? I just don’t know and I can’t take that chance! 

Marriage Rating: 1/10 

Belinda 

My absolute girl! I wish you were on the same show as the rest of these people! Is that just me? It feels like Belinda has enough going on for a whole separate show. Seriously: a work trip with your son, a mentorship (??) slash romance, and now the former husband of a bonkers woman you hung out with for a bit a few summers ago. By the way: he definitely killed her. HELLO! That’s easily enough plot for a Hulu show at least!

Would I make Belinda happy? I’d like to think so, I think she needs someone to put her first for once, and baybe let me tell you I am good at putting people before myself! I would certainly also tell her NOT to ask questions of the suspicious dude who she thinks killed her friend, because as far as I am concerned that is the easiest way to die yourself. There is a time and place to be a nosy nellie and it’s NOT when you are in a foreign country with a guy that rich! But that’s rather a low bar for life isn’t it? I would keep her alive, but would I bring her joy? I just don’t know. 

Marriage Rating: 2/ 10

Rick 

Mmm. My grease ball king. I am so sorry @ God, for loving Walton the way I do, because it has actually affected how I think about Rick the character, a man who I would realistically want to punch in the jaw. There are few things I find less attractive than a man who pouts this much. Pouting at dinner, pouting on the boat, it’s just so…blech to me. Feel your feelings and deal with them, stop mooooping. My God. 

…that being said, I am kind of in my dirtbag era right now and I wouldn’t hate getting stoned out of my mind while Rick bought me some sunglasses or whatever. I would not have the energy to gently coax him out of his bad moods, so we’d probably get into some bonkers fights, but if I’m being honest, he had me when he freed those snakes. I freaking love snakes (sorry! They are cute!!!!)  and I’d be right there with him. 

Marriage Rating: 5/10 

Laurie  

*airhorn* Did you hear that? That’s the sound of the wife horn, and it is going off! This is such a no-brainer that I am kind of gesturing at the image above like I’ve done all I need to do? It’s Carrie Coon, first of all, which is huge for me. Second, of that clique of frenemies, she is the one who would be the easiest to actually hang out with, and we all know it. Third, she got SO lit when they were partying and I know she is a freak (complimentary), I just know it. 

Plus, I need all the dirt I can GET out of this friend group and if I have to marry one of them simply for the gossip? Don’t tempt me with a good time, okay! Oh, plus she’s a lawyer, so she’s got long hours in the office and I’ll get to be (Lady Gaga in A Star is Born voice) alone in my house! 

Marriage Rating: 9/10

Jaclyn

Ohhh if I were a younger woman, Jaclyn! And not just because you clearly like your partners young, but because I simply do not have the…extroversion you seem to require. And while I am sorry to say it, I gotta admit I do not have the energy to manage your level of professional insecurity. I am willing to fix so much, and yet! I found a boundary today! Huge growth. 

We’d have a fun fling, I think, though my gut says we’d end in a fight? Oh god, she’s totally the type to fight in public, isn’t she? Sigh, she is. Yeah, this would be for Christina from the age of 26-29. No more! To freedom! 

Marriage Rating: 6/10 

Kate 

Well if we are going on temperament alone, we’d probably vibe pretty well. Of course the worry would be that we are both a lil too tightly wound, but she’s got the bob and I’d be happy to let that win the day. Obviously her politics would be the sticking point, though she seems like the type to be primarily motivated by her husband’s politics and the vague idea of lower taxes. The prototypical uninformed voter, if you will.

Ours would be a home of icy resentment, I think. Bracing for some, but deeply exhausting to live with on a regular basis, wouldn’t you say? Icy resentment and I’d live in Texas? Whew, that’s gonna be a no from me dog! 

Marriage Rating: 3/10

Victoria 

This…would be the big leagues for me. The Cat on a Hot Tin Roof of my life, perhaps! While I am indeed quite good at meeting the erratic needs of brunettes, I worry she and I are too similarly inclined to swoon for a marriage. Tim is holding on by the actual skin of his teeth, and we are simply watching that marriage fall apart so fast it might destroy the whole family?? She needs someone with a backbone and a plan and I hate to admit it, but that’s never been my strongest…trait. 

Oh but how we would LAUGH! It would be so fun for like, six months probably? And it would be like…a challenge of such an epic nature that I am sure I would learn enough for a book? This is not a relationship that will stand to the sands of time, this is sadly a relationship that will fall apart at the first sign of trouble. Alas! 

Marriage Rating: 4/10 

Pam 

She had me at “how wonderful for you, how wonderful for you,” and I will never stop loving her! Pam is kind but IN CHARGE and I will be so happy to help her with anything she needs. I can guarantee you one thing: me and my girl are gonna run that resort like the navy and we will be SO very happy! 

Marriage Rating: 10/10

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