Welcome back to another round of “How Happy Could I Make…” a lightly unwell series in which I ruminate on which characters from a media property of my own choosing I would make the best wife for. Previous entries have covered Yellowjackets, Disney Villains and Iconic Mean Moms from TV. An added benefit is that it is a gorgeous place to examine my own people pleasing tendencies, so what’s not to love? Is it exactly what my therapist wanted for me? Who can say! Today our focus is on the lovely (and unwell) folks from Severance, so buckle up, cause this is gonna be doozy!
I have kept this LARGELY spoiler free, but if you are super precious about spoilers, this is your warning! Also, I am counting the innies/outies as one, because…well, that’s the kind the point the show is making? I think?
Mark and Mark S
Mark is having what must be the worst few years of his life— I mean, your wife dies in a car crash, you get severed to deal with the pain, only to discover that in fact, your wife is still alive (kinda) and being endlessly tortured by the company that you work for? That is a level of turmoil that is beyond me, I think!
I mean, really, what can I do for Mark? He is so invested in the weirdest love triangle of all time, I can’t imagine another person is what this situation calls for? We’d get along cause we like to read, I suppose? Is that enough? I submit that it is not.
Marriage Rating: 3/10
Helly R / Helena Egan
I think it’s fair to posit that Helly R and Helena Egan feel the most distinct of the innie/outie pairs, and if you don’t, well, this is my article, so there! Sure, they share a similar commanding presence and (it must be said) a light brattiness, but I will never forget the way Helena Egan dismissed Helly as “not a person” after her many attempts to quit— nor the…ahem dogged persistence with which Helly R tried to fight back.
Could I make Helly R happy? I think I could! She’s got a lot of questions about the world and one of my love languages is recommending various bits of learning and pop culture to people. On the other hand, she’s got a stubborn streak that might outdo mine and it’s lowkey scary to imagine us in an argument. And let us not forget she is an important side of the Mark love triangle, and you know my feeling on getting involved with that! Helena Egan, on the other hand, I think she and I could get along quite well. I mean, yes, she’s got a nightmare family and company with some hellish beliefs, but what is Helly R if not proof that there is good in all of us? I would help Helena Egan find the Helly R in herself! That’s something!
Marriage Rating: 5/10
Irving / Irving B
Irving, my king! My tender king! His early Kier zealotry was scary to me, I admit, but the tenderness with which he courted Burt really melted my heart. And he’s got a talent for art and napping on the job, two things I love and respect.
Our marriage though…hmmm. Well he’s a little too in love with Burt, don’t you think? I’m charming and all, but Irving B falling in love for the very first time, who am I to take that from him! As for his Outie, I think there is a lot of time for us to spend making art together, but with love to him, I am really in a landscape place painting wise, and I don’t really wanna watch him paint endless hallways for the rest of our lives. I mean, if I can get him back off that damn train!
Marriage Rating: 4/10
Dylan / Dylan G
The thing I love the most about Dylan is what makes it impossible for us to wed: he reminds me so much of my brother. It’s mostly the way he flatly delivers statements about the importance of his finger traps, the way he says, “He dumb? He a dick?” Either way, I cannot in good faith say I could make Dylan or Dylan G happy.
For one, they both are in love with Merritt Wever! A position so understandable that I cannot fault either of them! No, for Dylan and I, it would be a friendship that was based on our mutual inability to figure out what we want in life. I would happily support him on a journey to you know, becoming a better and more present father! And hell, I’ll even help you get Merritt Wever back!
Marriage Rating: N/A due to brotherly love
Mr. Milchick
Do I have the ability to fix this man? No, I don’t think I do— if the clues we’ve picked up about his life being in service to Keir for a long time are any indication, I think my ability to remove Seth (does anyone else having Irving snarling “Yes, do it, Seth” at the ORTBO on a loop in their head?) from whatever the hell he has going on would be nigh on impossible.
But not, I think, entirely impossible? One of my favorite things about this show is the relationship Lumon has with Milchick and vice versa—I cannot be the only one who thinks about those lunatic Milchick as Kier paintings they gave him? Or the look on his face as he realized what they were? Or, frankly, the look on his face as Natalie prattled on about how she got a similar gift and it meant so much to her? Something is breaking in Mr. Milchick, but I am just…unsure that we are gonna like the results. And I’m sorry Seth, but I simply cannot take a risk on a man like you right now! Plus, a motorcycle? Loud and dangerous? I’m good! You will always have my respect for delivering the wildest line on this show though!
Marriage Rating: 3/10
Natalie Kalen
I am including Natalie because I find her ability to deliver platitudes from between clenched teeth inspiring and as a fellow lightskinned woman who has danced around PR as a job my whole life, I feel like I GET her, you know? I have felt like Natalie in the last few years of my working life, grinning maniacally through whatever nonsense someone asked for. But we haven’t seen her for a bit, have we? I am worried about my girl, though I know wherever she is, she is smiling and absolutely kicking that headsets ass.
How would our marriage be? Hmm..tense, I think? I can’t imagine her ever taking a moment to relax. Frankly, I cannot even imagine her sitting with anything less than perfect posture, and while I appreciate the core strength, I don’t think she is capable of enjoying not being at The Board’s beck and call. SPEAKING of: Does she ever take that headset off? Because I am not trying to live with The Board constantly in my girl’s ear. That’s my job as her yappy wife!
Marriage Rating: 4/10
Devon
PLEASE LET ME SAVE YOU FROM RICKEN. I know you like him (how???) and I know there were some moments in flashback where it seemed like he was less annoying to speak to, but babe! Please! You’ve got bigger problems at hand, and your husband, of his volition, wrote a self help book so loopy that a literal cult said, “Hold on you might be onto something here!” Might be time to really reflect on that.
Now, am I particularly maternal? No, not really, and certainly not at the infant/toddler stage, so Eleanor does provide a bit of an issue. And as much as I find that wood and glass home stunning by day, the second the lights go out you are a Peeping Tom’s entertainment, or you run the risk of ruining how beautiful that house looks with a ton of curtains. No thank you madam! All that aside, you are not in a cult, nor would you sign up for the severance procedure, so I think that puts us leaps and bounds ahead of everyone else.
Marriage Rating 7/10
Mrs. Cobel
Ohhhhhhh Harmony. Harmony, they did you so wrong, my girl. From child labor and drug addiction to stealing your greatest (dark and horrible) work? You never really had a chance, did you? It seems you see that, but —and I say this with love — I am not sure if you are able to come back from this. Understandable! Again, you are not new to this, but you are true to this.
…and yet! If I could help her see past Kier? If I could free her from this cult that has stolen her life? If I could get her into some less troubling STEM work, help her see there is more to the world than serving Kier? I am kind of addicted to the way she talks, and not to be crass, but my girl’s got a rack for days, goddamn! And I could teach her how to bake for real! It would be the greatest challenge of my life, and possibly the most rewarding thing I could do. I am dreaming big for myself and Harmony, because I think we both deserve it!
Marriage Rating: 8/10
Gemma / Miss Casey
It is a toss up between Gemma and Harmony for who I would like to save the most, tbh. Part of me feels like Gemma got even more screwed than Harmony— to have a normal life and then have it taken away feels crueler than Harmony being brainwashed from birth? Then again, what is the point of trying to play any kind of moral arbiter with these people, really. Still, Gemma was simply living her life and then she got snatched up to be tortured by people in hallways for an undetermined amount of time? Horrid!
Gemma and I would have an incredible marriage though! I mean, she’s a Russian Lit nerd, I am an English Lit nerd, we’d simply read and argue about who wrote about mortality better! Yes, I suppose I should confess that I have long had a crush on Dichen Lachman from Dollhouse, so that is definitely part of this. But still! I think we could be two nerd in harmony (not Cobel!)
Marriage Rating: 9/10
Asal Reghabi
Oh, you didn’t think I forgot about my absolute GIRL, did you?? Sure, we know almost nothing about her aside from the fact that she killed a guy and is great at doing basement brain surgery. Well…okay she’s capable of doing basement brain surgery, I don’t know that she’s GREAT at it, but I blame that on Lumon! Where does she go when she is not crashing in an abandoned building or Mark’s basement? I’d love to find out!
I think we could make something beautiful together, tbquiteh! I am very good at talking to…high strung people, and I’m down to let her putter about in the basement while I watercolor? She does have a tendency to find herself in high risk situations, and I have to imagine that would get a little tiring after a while? But look at her! I can fix her, I swear!
Marriage Rating 10/10
EVERY BIT OF THIS IS PERFECT and omg yes Dylan is your brother