Q:
One of my friends and I have a complicated romantic history. We met in college and developed crushes on eachother, but were too timid to admit it until we were both dating other people. Since then, we’ve always been either monogamously dating other people, romantically interested in eachother but emotionally unavailable for various reasons, or mutually single but living on different coasts. Also, my friend recently came out to me as being on the asexual spectrum. I identify as allosexual (though I have a low libido and complicated feelings about sex due to a combination of sexual trauma, gender dysphoria, and body dysmorphia).
Anyways, as of this past summer, my friend and I are again living in the same city. Recently, we’ve been flirting a lot, and my romantic feelings for her have returned. This week, I told her about these feelings, and she said that she reciprocates them, but she’s unsure if she wants to try dating given the risk that our sexualities are incompatible. I agree that I’d prefer to try to move on if we are definitely incompatible, but I don’t think that is necessarily the case. I would like to suggest discussing our different preferences and needs around physical/sensual intimacy in romantic relationships, but I’m not sure how to broach the subject or approach the conversation if she’s open to it. So, basically, are we doomed? Does it make sense to suggest talking about how we feel about kissing/ cuddling/ sex-related stuff/etc.? And if so, what‘s the best way to go about it respectfully and in an ace-affirming way? Thanks for your help!
A:
So I actually think you’re off to a good start because the way you asked your question showcases a lot of knowledge about your respective situations and a willingness to take things gently. That’s a great starting recipe in a situation like this.
Your friend’s trepidation is understandable given that asexual people often have a string of bad dating experiences due to sexual incompatibility. Much of the time, being asexual in a relationship with an allosexual partner can feel like the allosexual’s needs are… insisting upon themselves. In your case, it’s good to see that you consider your libido a point of commonality rather than a deficiency. It’s far too easy to fall into the rut of thinking that a high sex drive is ideal. No sex drive is ideal save for the one that fits a person’s needs and relationships.
Your approach to start discussions about sexual compatibility and intimacy ahead of a relationship brightens my day to read. That’s the approach I wish I could take in any dating engagement. Straightforward, measured, and without fumbling with the rules and customs of the dating game. I only wish I could do it more often because a direct and conversational approach isn’t always met well, especially by more neurotypical-leaning people.
Whenever I’m in your current position, my first consideration is whether the person I’m talking to seems responsive to the idea of these sussing-out conversations. Any communication method only works if there’s buy-in from everyone involved. Before you start, you’ll need to know you’re in good standing with each other and are cordial. From what I’ve read of your situation, that seems to be true. Then, you’ll have to draw on past conversations with your friend to see if they’re the kind of personality that’s okay with working through problems cerebrally via discussion. Only you can answer that question. My hope is that because you’re friends, you’re communicatively compatible on some level already.
Sitting with yourself and thinking about whether this nice person in your life is a conversational problem solver or not is helpful in two big ways. Firstly, it separates you from some of your feelings about the person. Secondly, paying attention to another person’s style of listening and problem-solving paves the way to compassion. It’s an act that explores her perspectives and needs in relation to yours without becoming an attempt to manipulate a person to your advantage.
These can be tough questions because only you can answer them. Even if you answer those questions affirmatively, an unexpected hiccup could still throw you off. That’s a pain-in-the-ass reality of dating that we all have to manage. The best we can say for ourselves is that we tried our best.
As for the conversation, I also have thoughts.
Firstly, bring up the topic of this conversation the next time you two are talking about life stuff. Make note of some of the topics and concerns your friend has raised and make clear your intention to talk about it sometime. They don’t need a detailed meeting agenda. It’s better for everyone’s stress levels to leave things open-ended and caring.
Secondly, set and setting. That is, mindset and setting. If they’re open to talking about this, pick a time and place that’s comfortable for both of you. If you have stressful jobs, then not immediately after work. If one of you is socially anxious, then not over a dinner date. You’ve been friends for a while, and you’ll know each other’s preferred settings and times for hanging out. Work toward one that suits both of you so you go in knowing it’s not a big deal.
Thirdly, center her concerns. Asexual people and people who just aren’t feeling very sexual are routinely pressed into the position of advocating for their very basic autonomy to an audience that doesn’t understand it. My reading of your situation is that you’re pursuing and she has some uncertainty. It’s perfectly acceptable to make a case for yourself and address her concerns, especially since there is some mutual attraction. But keep in mind that you’re in the pursuer’s position, and nobody benefits if she feels cornered or inadequately heard.
Above all, be prepared for the possibility that the earnest case you make for this potential relationship might not pan out for her. You are discussing sexual and intimate topics with someone who lacks an interest in sex. She can always decide it won’t work out for her and that’ll be the end of it. That’s a possibility you don’t want, but it’s ever-present.
So no, I don’t think you’re doomed at all. In fact, I wish more people would approach differences in their relational needs like this, with respect for everyone’s needs but open to the possibilities offered by good companionship. Your friend’s feelings toward you exemplify the fact that asexuality does not mean a lack of interest in romance, intimacy, or company.
In my mind, it makes perfect sense to discuss intimacy and sexuality ahead of things happening. I LOVE establishing boundaries ahead of time, but I’m a steadfast communicator, and this approach would terrify many others. I don’t see anything wrong with your intent as long as you respect her needs (asexual and others) and are open to the possibility she isn’t looking for the same things you are. If that happens, we can always look forward to keeping the friendship intact.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
in my experience dating on the ace spectrum, it’s been typical early on (although for me, after a first date so far, but different when you’re friends) to talk through that ace experience, where exactly on the spectrum you see yourself, and what you’re interested in relationship-wise. it seems like that type of conversation might be useful here, not just about her place on the ace spectrum but also what the asker’s expectations are in a relationship and what she’s open to. it’s complex stuff, and it’s better to know whether there’s an actual compatibility or not than assume one.