Autostraddle Pride

It’s Pride, and I’m starting this gay astrology post with a warning. Should you have found your way here from the broader internet, first, welcome. We’re hospitable. Second, yes, everything is gay. Every zodiac sign is gay. This is a Pride Horoscope. It’s going to be queer. Last time I whipped up some extremely wise and totally even-keeled astrology here, I got comments asking why it was gay! To that, I say “shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” in a tone that maybe makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up because it is, in fact, a little threatening. Happy Pride.

Gemini

If queer astrology isn’t real, then explain how this photo screams GEMINI.

Having your zodiac sign’s season usher us into Pride has always made you feel like you’re born anew just in time for the season. Your annual Gay Pride Party, in that way, also doubles as a second birthday celebration — but you don’t tell anyone that. You spend weeks constructing a menu, testing gay cocktails and rainbow-colored mocktails, and experimenting with allergy-friendly ways to create colorful hors d’oeuvres. I have a friend who says that if you’re shy or a little unlucky, all you need to do is find a Gemini and follow them. The guests at this soiree are people you’ve met on all your travels, from all your social groups, from all these different eras of your life. This Pride, I hope you can look up from your duties as the commensurate host, and realize that your truest talent lies in the way you connect so many queer people, like a second, other, gayer kind of gravity. People are just drawn into your orbit, but it’s not a bad thing, because you’ve always taken care of your fellow travelers. Happy Pride, Gemini. This Gay Pride Horoscope-er says is raising their glass and saying cheers to you!

Cancer

You’ve got one source and one source only for your Pride celebration inspiration — and that’s the music video for Janelle Monaé’s Lipstick Lover. You’re choosing pools over a hot sticky parade. You’re choosing pleasure over worry (okay your zodiac sign is Cancer so you’re probably still concerned at times but you are WORKING on letting go. But if we’re being real, you are a little worried about your Sagittarius friend who hasn’t texted back in a few days, until you reassure yourself that this is normal for them — and then there are bills and…) SHHHH You are choosing PLEASURE OVER WORRY.

This Pride you’re locating a pool, your friends, any and all crushes, the outfits and music and beverages that make you feel the hottest. Then you, Cancer, are washing your troubles away in the crisp splash of chlorinated liquid crystal, the smack of flip flops on rough pool-side concrete and the laughter of chosen family. You deserve.

Leo

My dear Leo, performer of the queer zodiac, you are somehow ON STAGE this Pride. And, if for one second, you are thinking that this queer Pride horoscope might be in the wrong about that, consider whether you at any point have been “on stage” during Pride — center of a dance circle, or the one cracking everyone else up with their gay-ass jokes, you get it. Whether you’ve spent hours perfecting your Drag King look or your five-minute standup routine for a fundraiser at the local Gay Bar — or you pretended your friends were pushing you to sing YOUR song at queer karaoke but actually, secretly, you were never more ready for this moment — your heart and soul long for the spotlight. You don’t need it all the time, just like we only need 10 minutes of sunlight a day to get adequate vitamin D, but when you get the chance, Leo, you are going to soak up that sunlight, those stage lights, that attention. Don’t ever be ashamed of who you are this Pride. Your boldness lifts all our hearts.

Virgo

How did this happen, Virgo? One moment, you were sweating your first Pride, and now, at least according to this particular gay horoscope-er, you’re a source of stability, support and mentorship for someone else. Whether you’re the queer auntie, a teacher, the 30 or 40 or 50-something friend to a much younger gay, or involved in your local queer community in a way that puts in you in a position where you can offer your wisdom and support, you’re a pillar of strength, now. Of course, all that inter-generational queer responsibility doesn’t mean you’re not going to let loose. Of course not. You’re an absolute freak in the spreadsheets and the streets after all. And if our overall culture weren’t so repressed, it wouldn’t seem like there were any contradictions at all between being a mentor to the younger queer(s) in your life and loving a raucous party now and then. You might be ushering a kid to their first Pride, taking a friend to their first gay bar, or just having some deep heart to hearts this June. Whatever form your contributions take, thank you for everything you’ve done and that you’re doing for our fellow queers, Virgo. Hats off to you! Also, no, thank you, I do not need to be spanked right now, but thank you for modeling good consent practices.

Libra

Libra, you’re going to the kind of Pride Party that either a) requires an invite and the location isn’t published, or b) feels like that’s the case even if it isn’t — and yes, I’m a little bit jealous. There will be actually good dance music, celebrities, local or otherwise, and a good smattering of your friends because you also know everyone in your town. Your outfit will be on point, except for the fact that your shoes might make your feet bleed a little. It’s okay, though! Because you’re having fun dancing and blisters are a Tomorrow Problem, much like what you’re going to eat for breakfast because your fridge is empty. Here’s to letting go for a night and living in the now, Libra, because goddess knows you’re always living in the future despite what a pleasure it is to be around you in the present. Breathe. Breathe again. Dance. And don’t forget that the rest of us would very much enjoy living vicariously through your Instagram stories.

Scorpio

Scorpio, you are either literally doing magic this Pride season or, you know, you’re metaphorically stirring the cauldron. Your zodiac sign is known for its mystery, and also its proclivity for revenge. You could be doing a spell with your besties to attract love, or you could be pissing into a jar because your ex won’t return your vintage lesbian pulp fiction collection. Whether you’re going to roll up your black lace sleeves and dig into actual spellwork, or you’re simply leaning into your bewitching side, you’re here to remind us all that we can wear black any time of the year. Thank you for reminding us that the season’s not always about the rainbows and the shouting, and that sometimes queer life’s about leaning in a doorway mysteriously in good lighting.

Sagittarius

Sure, you’re queer all year, but as I consult my room-scaled mental model of the cosmos for this queer Pride horoscope, I can see that nothing fills your heart with the urge to go absolutely rogue like the sound of Pride flags snapping in the wind on a climate-change-turbo-charged-record-temperatures-hot June day. Pride is a celebration, but you’re not going to forget its riot roots. That’s why you’ve enlisted several of your craftiest friends to construct an effigy of Ron DeSantis and several protest signs to go with. You cover your faces and tattoos, leave your phone at home and keep the plan locked down — no one but your small group knows about it. When all is said and done, the image of your Ron DeSantis effigy, latched to the outside of a pedestrian bridge over a highway, burning against the starless sky will be one of your most treasured Pride memories. You go to sleep that hot June night wrapped in a wet sheet, next to your window A/C unit, still hearing the echo of banner drops flapping over the sound of traffic and car horns below.

Capricorn

Your Pride look is impeccable. You’re ironed and lint-rolled and you’re, in fact, not going to Pride. You’re attending a tasteful hang with some of your older friends where the host is a Gemini. You know she’ll have a tasteful array of cocktails and mocktails in an array of rainbow colors, but you’re also bringing what you remember is her favorite wine. You arrive an hour late, but are still one of the first ones there so you help set up, and once things kick off, you’ll enjoy moving, with poise and ease, from conversation to conversation, because this is about being among your people, and these are the people you’re proud to call your friends.

But what you’re really excited for is the fact that you meticulously cleaned and laid out each of your sex toys because you’ve got some personal Pride plans for your partner / sweetheart / date / yourself tonight. Enjoy, you multi-faceted horned and horny babe.

Aquarius

Oh Aquarius, the visionary of the queer zodiac, this gay pride horoscope finds you completely forgetting that it’s Pride. Sometime during the weekend, you’ll wrap up whatever project you’re working on and hear the call — like the graze of a feather made of seabreeze in within the folds of your ear — of the magic mushrooms that you’ve had stashed just for a lazy afternoon such as this. It’s possible, that as the day starts to balance on the glimmering, pulsating, rainbow-outlined edge of the evening that you might get that old familiar “get-up-and-go” call to action. You’ll pull on some sneakers and remember to pack water and your keys and head out for a walk. The walk might take you downtown, where, through no intention you’re aware of, you stumble upon your city’s Pride festivities. You accept the universe’s invitation and make your way inside, walking around slowly, smiling, complimenting others’ looks and basking in the love and joy and beauty of humanity in the way that only someone who’s a little bit of an extraterrestrial — and a little bit of an outsider — can.

Pisces

Oops, you’re enjoying nature again! This gay Pride horoscope finds that you, Pisces, in that particularly effervescent and watery way of your zodiac sign, have decided that you’re overwhelmed by the fast pace of parties, the noise of parades and the pressure to have a memorable Pride. Instead, you and a select close friends are electing to spend time outside of the city and paying attention to your own mental health. You’re focusing on listening to the birds, smelling the June flowers and tending to your food over a fire. This might be a low-key backyard barbecue, it could be a multi-day camping venture, or it could be a day-trip to a hiking trail you’ve wanted to try for a while. Pisces, your zodiac sign’s lesson for the rest of the queer community is that it’s okay to need to escape sometimes, okay to prioritize healing and that it’s okay to be present in our bodies in ways that are, well, objectively quite healthy. You’re the oldest sign of the zodiac, and though your wisdom is often quiet, it’s so, so meaningful.

Aries

SOMEONE had to actually go to the Pride Parade, and according to this gay pride horoscope, it’s you, Aries, the baby of the zodiac! The youngest of the signs! The cycle starts anew with you and there is no one better to carry on old traditions with fresh energy than you! Get out there and do what you’re good at, shout and party and play and show us all what the intersection of riot and revelry really means! Whether you’re going in your best leather or draping a trans flag across your shoulders, your very presence is going to make the Pride festivities this year feel that much fuller. We love to hear you over the megaphone, shouting Pride slogans! Lez march.

Taurus

Taurus, Taurus, my comfort-loving, boundary-setting, snack-munching, gay and proud Taurus. According to all the power vested in my grasp of gay astrology, I am seeing that you’ll be in bed, on your couch or firmly ensconced in some outdoor furniture with queer movies flickering in the warm, firefly-lit evening air. Now, listen, the writer of this gay pride horoscope knows that this isn’t a last-minute-canceling-plans kind of decision. No, this is the event. You’ve been planning this adventure for yourself, you and a partner, or you and a close friend or two — FOR LITERAL WEEKS. You have the list of movies, you have them downloaded. You have a cooler full of drinks. You have snacks. Snacks that you pre-prepped. You’re showered and pampered and in your comfiest loungewear. This is an at-home chill hang, but you are doing it to a T. (The T is for Taurus.)

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