I love a cheesy holiday romance movie. And when I say cheesy, I mean it as a compliment! Once, a friend of mine told me that I was so cheesy, she wanted to put me on top of a plate of tortilla chips. There’s something so wonderful about the predictability of a holiday romance made for a network like Hallmark or Lifetime. Even when the couple might doubt that things will work out for them in the end, you know it will. The dialogue is hokey, and everything is a little too cutesy, but that’s what makes it all so enjoyable! Honestly, the cheesier the movie, the more I’m going to love it.

Hallmark and Lifetime are severely lacking in the cheesy sapphic holiday romance department. (Under the Christmas Tree and Friends & Family Christmas are two notable exceptions.) So when I heard that one of Lifetime’s new seasonal offerings,The Holiday Junkie, starring Jennifer Love Hewitt, has a lesbian best friend character, I grabbed my wife Beth, and a homemade peppermint brownie to watch. JLH directed The Holiday Junkie in addition to starring in it, and her husband Brian Hallisay plays her love interest. Openly queer actress Lynn Andrews stars as the lesbian best friend.

The Holiday Junkie is the story of Andie, a 30-something year old woman who runs Christmas decorating company The Holiday Junkie with her mother. This is the first Christmas she’s running the company alone since her mother’s death. When a rich venture capitalist hires Andie to decorate his house, she sees it as a way to prove her company is a worthy investment for him. But when she arrives at the house, she meets Mason, the “house manager.” A series of mishaps keep delaying the family’s return, forcing Andie and Mason to keep spending time together. As the days go by, Andie cracks through Mason’s tough shell, infecting him with her special brand of Christmas cheer.

Okay, so confession: Beth and I are big fans of Jennifer Love Hewitt. Back in the 90s, I always had her on my favorite actresses list, even though I mostly knew her from reading Tiger Beat and watching LFO’s “Girl on TV” video a million times. A couple years ago, I realized that I had a massive crush on her, and that’s why she was a favorite. She has that perfect All-American girl next door vibe about her.

JLH is currently starring on the show 9-1-1, which my wife and I have been obsessed with. (Shoutout to our favorite TV lesbians, Hen and Karen Wilson!) So it wasn’t hard to convince her to watch our favorite 9-1-1 operator stir up a little Christmas magic!

Before we started watching the movie, my wife and I made a bet. She believed that Jennifer Love Hewitt would cry three times. One thing about JLH, she’s a crier. My wager was that she would only cry once in one truly climatic scene. We’ll see which one of us is right. Without further ado, enjoy us watching The Holiday Junkie.

Sa’iyda: Okay, if she’s going to wear fake glasses, the least they can do is put clear lenses in them! You can see right through them.

Beth: Yeah, you can. They can fake it better.

Sa’iyda: Calling it: her mom is dead, but she talks to her voicemail like she’s still alive.

Both: Oh look! A set!

Beth: It’s Sue from 9-1-1!

Sa’iyda: And the guy from The Cosby Show! The one who was married to Denise.

Sa’iyda: There is no liquid in that cup she’s holding.

Beth: Nope, none. She’s practically tossing it around.

Sa’iyda: She’s drinking like it wouldn’t be a scalding hot latte.

Beth: Pretty soon, you can make me a latte (I’m getting her an espresso machine for Christmas).

Sa’iyda: Sure can! I love to steam milk.

Sa’iyda: Holy shit, this house is huge.

Beth: That is one handsome man.

Sa’iyda: I know! I love that her husband is starring as the love interest. So cute.

Beth: Ooh, what are his tattoos?

Sa’iyda: Like, look at his perfectly groomed facial hair. And those cheekbones! My god.

Beth: The fake glasses are back again.

Sa’iyda: What kind of sociopath bites a candy cane like that? I suck on it until it’s practically gone before I chew it.

Beth: We have our first cry! How far into the movie are we?

Sa’iyda: Fifteen minutes.

Beth: You sure you want to stick with one?

Sa’iyda: Yes, maybe she wanted to get it out of the way.

Both: OH MY GOD. He’s not wearing a shirt.

Sa’iyda: She gets to wake up next to that every morning! Holy shit, do you see his abs?

Beth: He has more tattoos? I wonder what they all are!

Sa’iyda: Who cares?

Beth: I want his outfit.

Sa’iyda: I feel like you have something similar? It’s just a flannel over a henley.

Sa’iyda: Ooh, is he an artist?

Beth: Someone is.

Sa’iyda: A wedding invitation. Either his fiancee died on Christmas, or she left him.

Sa’iyda: Okay, ‘Prop & Lock’ is a very clever name for a props company. I like the imagery.

Beth: “I’m gay, not blind.” The best friend gets it.

Sa’iyda: Cry number two, not even a half-hour in. You still think three?

Beth: I’m going to up it to five. That feels better.

Sa’iyda: I love her jacket. Her jacket game is always strong.

Beth: Is she really going to bake six dozen cookies?

Sa’iyda: It’s not impossible. She’s just wasting her time rolling and cutting them. Skip the cookie cutters and focus on easier stuff.

Sa’iyda: Called it! His fiancee dumped him on Christmas. That’s why he hates Christmas and is also reluctant to have feelings for Andie.

Beth: You’re very good at this.

Sa’iyda: I know, thanks.

Cry count is now at three as Andie tells the story of how her mom died right before Christmas.

Sa’iyda: Oh, well yeah, a dead mom still beats a breakup.

Beth: Who doesn’t dip their mozzarella sticks in sauce? What is wrong with her?

Sa’iyda: That is so weird, I don’t even have a response. Sociopathic behavior.

Beth: Who picked out the plates for these pancakes? They’re too small.

Sa’iyda: Too small! So the best friend needs to put herself on the dating apps again? There’s a messy lesbian breakup story.

Beth: IS THAT BUCK’S LOFT? (Buck is a character on 9-1-1, JLH plays his sister Maddie.)

Sa’iyda: Is it? Oh, it definitely is. Can you imagine that phone call?

We have officially hit the fourth cry.

Sa’iyda: Um, I’m obsessed with this 90s first grade teacher sweater her mom left her. Immaculate vibes. No notes.

Beth: They’re kissing like people who have kissed before. Hot.

Sa’iyda: Her gay best friend is wearing shoes on the bed? Truly unhinged behavior.

Beth: Wait, did they have sex?

Sa’iyda: I think so!

Beth: I really like his jacket.

Sa’iyda: It is surprising you don’t have a Carhartt jacket honestly.

Sa’iyda: That’s cry number five babe. Not even an hour into the movie.

Beth: I told you!

Sa’iyda: These singers are terrible lip synchers. They’re not even moving to the same beat!

Six cries in less than an hour. She’s on a roll.

Beth: What is Riley wearing?

Sa’iyda: A tiny Santa hat! Whimsical! I love it.

Beth: Cry number seven! Should I have upped it to ten?

Sa’iyda: I don’t know. But I love the pink lights on the wall. The handsome man understands romance.

Beth: Ooh, I like her flannel.

Sa’iyda: I love it! I also love Riley’s green jumpsuit. I want one of those.

Beth: He’s wearing a tool belt.

Sa’iyda: That’s hot. I want a tool belt.

Sa’iyda: “I’m gay, but I’m hungry” feels like something I would get on a tee shirt.

Beth: Here we go, the unveiling of the lesbian trauma.

Sa’iyda: Ooh, a bisexual woman who wouldn’t leave her husband for the lesbian. What a progressive idea.

Beth: Well it’s better than falling for a straight woman I guess.

Sa’iyda: That is so Buck’s apartment.

Beth: Ooh, she got him the toy he wanted as a kid.

Sa’iyda: It’s called ebay, it’s not that hard!

Beth: Is that Jennifer Love Hewitt singing?

Sa’iyda: Yup! Saves money if she’s on the soundtrack. I love Riley’s suit.

Beth: Are those their kids? So cute!

Sa’iyda: “Slay!” Sounds like a fifth grader. I heard all the kids saying that at school.

Cry number eight is the biggest one, complete with Jennifer Love Hewitt covering John Waite’s “Missing You” in the background. With less than ten minutes before the movie is over, we’re calling it at eight cries.

Sa’iyda: Is Riley wearing jeans in bed? I have questions about her etiquette.

Beth: No no, they’re sweats. You can see the drawstring.

Sa’iyda: Yes Andie! Get that venture capital money girl! Get your man!!

Beth: So the thing we learned is that we spent the whole movie lusting over the handsome man?

Sa’iyda: Babe, we’re gay, not blind.

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