In which you cannot fart in your own home. 😔

Q

Please do not laugh at me… this is a serious problem. My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years, living together for almost 2. I (30 y/o trans guy) have never farted in front of her (30 y/o cis woman). And of course, she has not farted in front of me. The only time she’s ever heard me fart is in my sleep, which I suppose does not count. Here’s the thing, I’m starting to get some gastro issues from holding it in so often. I either hold it in, go into another room, or go out on our balcony to fart. This was all fine and dandy for these two years, but at a certain point I need to be able to fart in my own home. She thinks that if we fart in front of each other it would “ruin the mystery” and affect our romance. I disagree whole heartedly! I think that vulnerability/comfort is a sign of deep love and acceptance. Also!!! We burp and pick our noses in front of each other. So what’s a little fart?

I plan on asking her to allow ourselves, or at least just me, to fart in front of each other once we hit two years living together. It feels like more than a reasonable timeline, no? But I’m afraid if I do this, and she agrees, and I start farting in front of her… she’s gonna get the ick or grossed out or lose attraction to me. Is it worth it?

Do y’all fart in front of your partners? Most couples I talk to (gay and straight) say that they do. Not just that they fart in front of each other, but that it’s “the first thing they do in the morning” or make jokes about it and fart in the partner’s direction, etc. And I’m certainly not asking for that or for our home to become a fart house all of a sudden… but shit I don’t want to get cramps for holding in a fart! What do I doooooo.

A

Summer: Bruh. What in tarnation.

You’ve reminded me of a story from childhood. When I was in Grade 5, some kid once used the word ‘fart’ in earshot of an elderly, very conservative science teacher. She… went off at this kid for using such a dirty word and told the class that in 4 decades of marriage, she never once said the word in front of her husband. She was appalled. Well I thought she was the stuffiest, strangest person for not acknowledging basic bodily functions to someone she had to live with.

Do I fart around my girlfriend? My girlfriend’s farts are positively noxious. The house becomes an exclusion zone thanks to her flatulence. I refer to her boiled egg/cabbage/bean farts as, among other things, chemical warfare, a violation of the laws and customs of war, a hate crime, and unsanctioned olfactory assault. And we laugh our asses off about it. I’m a high end (sterilize my keyboard and mouse style) germaphobe and I’d never, ever deny her the right to have basic bodily functions. I’m not saying all bodily functions ought to be celebrated. If you think that, try sharing a room with my lovely girlfriend after she’s had an egg sandwich. But all bodily functions should be tolerated and understood. If you’re at the point of having gastrointestinal issues from holding in farts, you are way beyond ‘acceptable levels of polite restriction’.

I don’t think you should even have to ask for permission to fart after years of being together. The fact that needing to ask permission or have a conversation about farting is even on the table speaks to a pretty big mismatch in your respective social norms. And I’m firmly on team Fart With Your Partners. ’cause it’s funny. I just wish I had a full face respirator for it.

Sa’iyda: Friend, I’m going to say this as gently as possible *takes your hands* You are an adult and you should be able to fart in your own home. This is beyond ludicrous, not to mention unhealthy. My wife and I have been together for five years and started living together after six months. It never once occurred to me that I shouldn’t or couldn’t fart in front of her. Especially not in a place where we both pay bills!

We don’t call each other out for farting, but if it happens and we acknowledge it, we treat it as a normal bodily function. BECAUSE IT IS. I’m not throwing her a parade for a toot, but I’m not kicking her out of the house for it either. I’m with Summer; if you feel you need to have a conversation about a very normal thing, there’s a possibly bigger issue at play here.

I dare you to fart and see what happens. If everything’s fine, I’ll buy you a coffee.

Nico: I am concerned both by the potential gastric consequences and by tying FARTING to your two year anniversary. I don’t think you have to immediately make your partner uncomfortable with a bunch of fart-based antics, but I do think the time is now. In researching the consequences of holding gas in for the purposes of this response, I also discovered The Worst thing, which is that gas not expelled via a fart is reabsorbed into the bloodstream and breathed out your mouth. We wouldn’t have to know this if the gas was simply passed. I think you can warn her, you can move away from her in a room, you can not do things to stress her out more, but your girlfriend needs to become okay with passing gas in your home.

You know what? If your girlfriend gets The Ick from your body simply being a body, then it’s probably good to find that out before your two year anniversary because there are A LOT more things that can and will happen, medically and body-wise, where if it’s not okay to be a messy, organic, mess of a flesh being, it’s not going to work anyway, and that’s something I think she needs to work on, for herself and others.

Laneia: Remember Butt Week? I do. I think you should share this with your girlfriend on your anniversary: 5 Good Reasons To Just Fart in Front of Your Partner Already.

Thanks to her own mom’s disordered eating habits, your girlfriend might be pushing you to an ED you’ve never had.

Q

I want to preface this inquiry with a trigger warning for disordered eating.

TLDR: My girlfriend, who I recently moved in with, grew up with a granola/almond mom (aka a mom who had disordered eating and implemented it in her home). I know this is a super common occurrence and a large reason why girls grow up with eating disorders. I understand it’s a cyclical issue and every perpetuator is also a victim. I did not grow up this way, there were no calories counted or no-no foods in my home growing up. Still, growing up a girl, I did have experiences with disordered eating that I have since recovered from. But in the short few months I’ve been living with my girlfriend, I’ve been hearing the signs of this almond mom influence. This includes pointing out portion sizes, eating times, shame/guilt language, etc. etc.

Again, I know my girlfriend is technically a victim (of society, her mom, etc.) in this case, but now she’s also becoming a bit of a perpetuator and I’m having a hard time navigating how to approach this. It’s a sensitive topic but I think it’s an important one to address before I fall back into bad habits or unhealthy relationships with food. I want to handle it with care and acknowledge that this is a systemic issue that I just don’t want in my own home. How do I do that without making her feel bad or guilty? Do I need to get a professional involved?

A

Valerie Anne: As someone who has also struggled with disordered eating, I understand what you’re saying about it being cyclical. My mom wasn’t quite an almond mom but she was a “Weight Watchers” mom and had me in meetings with her starting as young as 10 because she wanted me to “learn.” That backfired! I think before you consider professionals, you just have to have this conversation with your girlfriend. Talk to her about your relationship with food, and what things are triggers for you that you don’t want happening in your own home. Make it clear that you know she’s not intentionally trying to hurt you, but it’s something you’ve noticed and want to nip in the bud before it becomes an issue. I wouldn’t come out the gate with “hey I think you and your mother have disordered eating” because that’s probably not going to be received well. But if you keep the first conversations about it about you, and helping her see what kinds of things are signs of disordered eating (especially around things like guilt talk) will help her figure out if she has an issue with disordered eating, too, or if she’s just picked up habits from her mother. For example, focusing on portion size and eating time might just be a routine thing and not necessarily disordered eating. But if she’s mentioning things about YOUR portion sizes and eating times, that’s not okay and is somewhere you can draw a line with her. Diet culture is so pervasive, even now, but there are more and more resources online that can help you. If you do think she has a problem with disordered eating, or if you find yourself slipping back into it, then yes, professional help is definitely something to consider.

Summer: Aaaaah, the self-perpetuating cycle of emotional and physical harm caused by disrupted eating habits. I know this well. And yeah, you’re dead right that people who suffer abuse (including disruptions to eating) will often repeat those patterns in future because it’s familiar to them. I’m glad you recognize the potential for her input on your eating to reawaken something harmful in you. It means you have a clear head about this. That makes the rest a lot easier.

Talking to someone about a sensitive topic like this is tough. Some people (me) handle it best with something polite, but straightforward. Especially when it comes to eating disorder stuff because we’re often so deep in our own shit that the thing that knocks it loose is not tip-toeing gentleness, but an honest line about harm straight to the face. Thing is, if your girlfriend grew up in that kind of horrible environment, she may have been abused emotionally in other ways too. And in those cases, directness can be intensely troubling. You have to evaluate your past interactions with her and think about what’s worked in the past. And try to lean on things that have worked.

As for professional help: yes. If you have a therapist, talk to them about it. If she’s in therapy, encourage her to keep going. A third set of eyes with some expertise is worth its weight in gold, because it’s also very possible that whatever she is experiencing is simply way beyond your paygrade. I wish I could be of more help, OP. But I’m hamstrung by the fact that I’ve had a long-running eating disorder and all I can see are ways this is complicated. There are no easy answers here. I hope you keep your good perspective about the situation. That recognition that your girlfriend is both victim and victimizer and is not always in full command of these verbalizations to you will always stand you in good stead.

Nico: In addition to talking to her directly, I would actually suggest couples counseling for you both in addition to individual therapy. Eating disorders are really tough and hard to beat, and as you know too well, they can be triggered by SO MANY things and people in our environment and are super pervasive throughout our society. Whether or not her eating is disordered or she just has different routines, as Valerie pointed out, this is affecting you in a way you have every right to take seriously. And, yes, if she’s pointing out anything about the ways that you’re eating that is negative, then that needs to stop, immediately, period. You can assert this boundary without passing judgement on your girlfriend or her mom, but you will need to perhaps be vulnerable about your own experiences and concerns. I hope that she hears you, but again, if this becomes a recurring issue, then I think that getting ahead of it with professional help is the way to go. I would also return to the resources and methods that helped you move past your eating disorder before. I am rooting for you both to get through this and be well.

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