It’s been a long time since I’ve been invested in the comings and goings of the heterosexual population. But if there are two things I love it’s 1) people talking about who they want to fuck and 2) dessert. That’s why I couldn’t help but keep watching when TikTok showed me a Hear Me Out Cake video. First of all, the cake looked good. Second of all, why were these coworkers gathering to discuss how much they want to fuck Spirit, the stallion of the Cimarron?
If your FYP has not turned into my FYP over the past month, let me catch you up. A Hear Me Out Cake is a cake where people stick in little pictures of the people (or characters) who they want to fuck. It seemed like a fun game among friends and a revealing experiment among couples, but then it the trend moved into offices and even one family with young kids. (The family video was quickly taken down.)
@danielle.guizio we got some real rizzlers #hearmeout #hearmeoutcake #hearmeouttrend #worklife #officelife #corporatelife #officehumor #happyhalloween #cake #rizz
Something that became apparent very quickly was almost every “hear me out” put forward by straight people was a cartoon character. And not just cartoon characters of people, but primarily cartoon characters of animals and creatures. I get it. To publicly call a real person a “hear me out” is kind of mean whereas I’m sure Mike Wazowski will take it just fine. Or maybe it’s just easier for people to discuss their sexuality when there’s the level of remove allowed by a cartoon.
@meghanandjack Meghan had a few… concerning ones…😂😅 #meghanandjack
Whether or not the people in these videos realized, the choices were always revealing. Cartoons are so heightened, it was like getting a window into the most distilled version of the trait they’re seeking. Dangerous or mommy or masculine or snarky or mysterious or, I don’t know, strong haunches.
Every once in awhile, someone would make a non-animated pick. But usually it made me wish they hadn’t: two Johnny Depp characters, BJ Novak, Ghostface from Scream?? With that taste, maybe stick with the shark from Finding Nemo.
@kiwiandco_ Hear us out🤷♀️ #hearmeout #hearmeoutcake #officehumour
What I found interesting was how many straight people selected cartoons that were children. Pointing out heterosexual hypocrisy is a waste of time, but it’s kind of wild to fear-monger about predatory queers only to realize straight women are still day-dreaming about 13 year old cartoon boys or the littlest rascal.
@ilovelinen Just another day at the office… Confessing our weirdest crushes on a cake 🍰👀who wins the most unhinged reward 🏆!?#OfficeConfessions #HearMeOutCake #CrushCake
My favorite videos were the couples. Some of them, anyway. When people selected characters like their partners, it was sweet. When they didn’t, it was funny. If it takes a cake to discuss desire with your partner, bake away!
@jay.and.chan brb, teaching jayden all Boyz N Motion choreo #hearmeout #hearmeoutcake #husbandwife #couple #trend #trending #relationship #marriage #jayandchan #arkansas #married #fyp #fypage #lol #couplehumor
Talking about desire is a good thing! I’m not sure why this trend has caught on in work places, but, ultimately, I’ve decided straight people Hear Me Out Cakes are a good thing. (Other than the blonde women thirsting over children…) While most queer couples I know — monogamous or not — are very open about attraction and crushes, I understand this can be a taboo for straight people. So it’s good for people to have an outlet to do that in a fictional space! And for the single people, maybe this exercise allowed them to realize what they’re looking for in future partners. Even if that is someone with the energy of a bee voiced by Jerry Seinfeld.
@hunterfancompany The office “hear me out” cake. Some solid choices were made. #hearmeout #work #worklife #worklifebalance #job #joblife
For the sake of fairness, I will end this investigation by naming my own Hear Me Outs: Edith Wharton and Janice the Muppet from The Muppets.
F that I’ll shame anyone who’s attracted to Jerry Seinfeld fucking straight women are weird we need to straight shame them also open couples not real ones
Well, you see, it’s not exactly Jerry Seinfeld, it’s an animated bee named Barry B. Benson.
I clearly associate with some deranged people. I feel like Sarah Kerrigan from Starcraft is the most basic “Here Me Out”, along with the Xenomorph Queen from Alien.
this was very educational thank you for your service
people openly talk with coworkers about who they want to fuck? and it’s mostly cartoon characters and shitty dudes? these are the same people who voted on Tuesday aren’t they?
I only worked in an office for 18 months, but I really do not miss the bizarre faux-camaraderie friendly-but-professional-but-slightly-competitive relationship dynamics that necessarily have to evolve after spending 8 hours doing things you don’t like in a room full of people you’d otherwise never spend time with.
Office work is a very weird social situation to me, and I’m not surprised it often results in these weird little rituals.