Did you know that today our Executive Editor Laneia is officially thirty-WONDERFUL years old? It’s true! She’s been alive for 31 years! In addition to being alive, she has reproduced and created two other living humans who probably have a lot of her DNA. Furthermore, she’s been RIGHT HERE with you every single day since this goddamn website ship set sail, cooks like a pioneer woman, makes good collages and will probably never truly self-actualize the truth of how fucking talented she is.
In celebration of this personality cultish holiday, Rachel and I have assembled 31 of our favorite things Laneia said during her 30th year on earth.
Who knows what she’ll say next year? I bet it’ll be funny, Lorna!
Our 31 Favorite Things Laneia Said This Year:
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1. “Writing and thinking is easier when the people around you are also writing and thinking. Your brain just naturally wants to fall in line with whatever’s happening around you. My brain, anyway. This is a problem when what’s happening around me is a movie marathon or a nerf gun war. I wanted the collective. We all wanted the collective. I still want it.”
2. “I feel like Ellen Page is a little young for Clea Duvall, on an emotional level. That’s my expert opinion.”
3. “And it’s the promise of new, unfucked things that keeps us going. Or our ability to unfuck the fucked things. I mean even your hair gets tangled, you know?”
– you need help: you actually like her
4. “You have to always always live like you could be mowed down by a bus full of sweaty evangelicals tomorrow. TOMORROW.
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5. “I feel the same way about Sex In The City as many black women feel about feminism, apparently.
Which is to say, it doesn’t speak to my life.”
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6. “Having instant nostalgia is overwhelming sometimes, but this time it was nice. Then I took this photo and thought about where life was going and whether or not anyone’s ever in control. Then I thought about what ‘control’ really meant, then I cried a little. Then I got on westbound I-24 and listened to local natives and the black keys and danced in my car.”
– tumblr
7.
SWEET POTATO SOUP
soup soup soup
you are so cold
do you still love me
could we maybe talk
soup soup soup
it’s an autumn day
and i was thinking about reheating you
so we could be together
soup soup soup
just tell me that you still need me
because otherwise
i will just make a grilled cheese
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8. “The internet is weird. It’s almost as weird as the real world.”
9. “On the surface I guess this is just another crappy pop song that I wouldn’t have liked anyway because I don’t like crappy pop songs, but when you scratch a little deeper, it’s actually an uninspired regurgitation of a handful of negative lesbian stereotypes set to the tune of a crappy pop song.”
– Open Thread: Jessica Lowndes’s “I wish I Was Gay” Song
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10. “Every time you combine butter and cheese in this post, a vegan angel loses its wings and falls into a fiery pit of sunflower oil.”
– g-chat re: Top 10 Things To Eat With Melted Cheese
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11.
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12. “Step back and evaluate the situation. Think about your life and how you arrived at this moment. Bake the casserole for maybe 15 minutes or until the cheese is melted. Serve with sour cream and extra salsa, possibly a blindfold.”
– recipe for doritos casserole via Movie Night: Dazed & Confused
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13. “Sometimes really late at night or early in the morning, when your subconscious is creeping into the periphery, you find yourself thinking, “Who the hell are these people I’m living with? They could be anyone. They’ll be old one day, with pants they paid for themselves. Jesus what is happening. How did I get here.”
– all Living with Kids posts
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14. “I want it to be an acceptable time to either start drinking or take a nap. It’s just now right between those two times.”
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15. “I think as long as you recycle, buy locally grown tomatoes and make-out with girls, it’s okay to get some clothes from Urban Outfitters every now and then.”
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16. “The point here is reality and honesty, I think. Maybe one day you’ll have an orgasm and maybe you won’t, but at the very least you should get there honestly.”
–you need help: fake orgasms and potato soup, sorta
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17. “If there are universal truths to being a queer girl, one of them must be that, at some point or another, you will want to fingerblast the hot chick at the coffee shop.”
– you need help: requisite crush on a barista
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18. “I wish my inbox was a room that I could walk into and make stacks. I need to sit in the middle of my inbox.”
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19. “I wanted to dive face-first into Dorothy Jane Torkelson’s hair like it was an Olympic fucking sport.”
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Happy Birthday, Boss!
Happy birthday! Hope your day is super like nintendo :)
clever. very clever.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LANEIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hope you have a wonderful one!!!
also, I love all your articles and you look so pretty in your pictures!!! yay!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy birthday, Laneia! You are the feminism.
Happy birthday!!
also I really really like that the whiskey post is categorized as “how to live with kids”. APPROPRIATE.
YOU NOTICED
thank you
Happy birthday, Laneia! I love your songs. You should record an album! I can play mandolin and kazoos quite fluently, just saying.
Happy birthday! I often write songs about nailpolish and peanutbutter sandwiches so I feel a special connection here. Here’s to you writing lots of food related songs! Des bisous
Happy birthday Laneia! You say clever things! That is something to feel good about. Also, cake. Best wishes.
Happy birthday Laneia!
hope you have a great day!
i love your words
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LANEIA WE LOVE YOU!
those food songs are almost as wonderful as you are.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
we got born in the same year, that makes me happy.
Happy Birthday!
Happy birthday, boss of so many vowels, boss of life.
-Lavender, Copy Editor
Much love!!
Happy Birthday Laneia!
I’m locked outside my apartment. My puppy is on the other side of that door alone. Reading your advice/thoughts/feelings/words made me feel much better.
“I wanted to dive face-first into Dorothy Jane Torkelson’s hair like it was an Olympic fucking sport.”
You deserve the happiest birthday, Laneia. Thanks for being an inspiration to the queer legions of this world and me personally all the goddamn time with your wisdom/humor.
Happy Birthday you wonderful person!
Hope your birthday is better than the birthday that Hanna threw for Caleb where Lucas tries to kill her. But he was actually just trying to explain to her that he borrowed Caleb’s money for betting! But why were Mona and Noel Khan all wet? Were they really skinny dipping?
happy birthday laneia! i enjoyed every single thing on this list
Happy Birthday Laneia! I won’t combine butter and cheese today just for you.
Have a Very Wonderful Birthday! :D
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! :D We love you!
i was thinking of you this morning when i saw the moon before the sun rose and it was so full and huge and bright. what serendipity.
i’m glad that you exist on this planet and that i am – in some small way – a part of your periphery.
happy birthday, laneia.
oh i love the moon before the sun
i took a picture of it for you.
http://picplz.com/user/lasthonestlook/pic/96mdn/
#14 is so flipping perfect … I feel like that often. Happy Birthday to you! Hope it’s a wonderful and magical one!
Happy birthday Laneia! You are fantastic and awesome and we love you!!
Happy, happy day!
ha! carrie, this is absurd! i like it
that one episode of it’s always sunny – this this that yes
#11 is my favorite thing ever. (to be fair, i do have a lot of favorite things ever. and a lot of them are autostraddle-related. but this is for sure in the top 10.)
i hope your birthday is amazing, laneia!
oh my goodness, happy birthday! i’m going to go have a discourse on periods in your honor.
By far the best type of thing to have in your honour!
Happy Birthday! You are so amazing. I love the way you write and think. I hope your boys made you something cute.
aw how did i ever survive without you?!?!!? ps i love the soup and salad songs. like so fucking much.
Happy birthday! What would I do without your writing/formspring/general amazingness. I do not know. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.
Happy Birthday, Laneia! I love your poems/songs about food, and your writing in general.
Happy birthday, Laneia – I hope you have a terrific birthday season!
happy birthday, laneia!
reading your articles always makes me smile
joyeux anniversaire, laneia! in french so it’s extra special, just like you :)
laneia i just re-read the salad song and i legitimately almost cried tears of laughter and joy
i love you like a good salad, which is a pretty serious thing
Happy Birthday!
i’m sorta confused with all the pictures of you in this post. the picture that accompanies “Laneia” in my brain is actually pink bonaroo sky. that’s what my brain always thought you looked like.
Happy Birthday!!
“You have to always always live like you could be mowed down by a bus full of sweaty evangelicals tomorrow. TOMORROW” = BEST QUOTE OF ALL TIME AND MY NEW LIFE MOTTO
Oh my goodness….so many feelings. So many crushy feelings. #11. #11. #11.
Happy Birthday :)
24. “Oh god, when big spoons get little, don’t you just want to hold your breath? Oh god I can’t even. They get so little! I cannot even.”
So true. Probably one of my favorite things ever.
If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas!
… she isn’t jesus? shit.
SWEET POTATO SOUP FTW!!
Happy birthday! The internet/world as a whole is better with you and your food songs in it.
the magical appearance of the actual image in this comment is brought to you by the autostraddle community managerettes
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I can’t believe no one has told you your hair looks great, yet.
your hair looks really great today.
happy birthday!
Happy Birthday, Laneia! If I knew you I’d probably say “I love you”, but I don’t, so I hope it’s not awkward that I still love you, in a “this-person-is-a-driving-force-behind-the-blog-that-helped-me-accept-and-embrace-my-queerness-and-that’s-pretty-cool-huh” kind of way.
happy effing birthday!!!
happy birthday Laneia!
Happy birthday! I hope you eat some really delicious cashews.
Happy birthday, you lovely individual you.
Happy birthday! You have made my life a better place, so thank you for that. Please continue being alive for many years to come. :)
Happy birthday you super awesome talented person!
\o/
Well, AS won’t let me log in, but Happy Birthday Laneia! Thank you for your words of wisdom. Please keep them coming because life is very confusing. — julius
Happy Birthday Laneia! I love the salad song. And u so pretty.
you are beautiful and so are your words. happy birthday!
laneia, you rock so much for creating concerned bear friend and making me feel like formspring isn’t the most horrible place on the internet. <333333 happy birthday!!
Happy Birthday, fellow Aquarius!!!
happy birthday, you sexy thang.
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!
Happiest of birthdays to you!
Happy Birthday!
Hope you had the most wonderful day ever! And many more most wonderful days!
Laneia, you are the executive ed,
Of one of the best blogs I’ve ever read,
The words that you say,
Bring joy, tears and laughter to every day,
(That you post)
But what I do love the most,
Is how your musings about life,
Help us in moments of strife,
You give us strength to speak,
To the girls who make our knees weak,
And your songs about soup
Keeps the chickens in the coup,
And also makes us laugh,
You’ve the love of the staff,
And straddler alike,
Do you ride a bike?
Cos that’ll be cute,
Though there’s no dispute,
That you already are,
An effervescent star,
A beacon of hope,
Like a nuclear isotope,
From a legion of gays,
Wishing you, the happiest of birthdays!!
This is pretty special.
Amazing
+1 4evr
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LANEIA! You make me happy. I hope your day is wonderful.
sigh.
laneia is just so dreamy.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY WONDERFUL PERSON!
Happy belated Birthday Laneia; you are amazeface!
Happppppppyyy happppy birthday! Although I could have dealt without this rude awakening: “You know what we can never have back? Kurt Cobain and Saturday mornings.” :|
I LOVE ALL OF YOU. every last one of you. i always have. thank you so so much for this!
It breaks my heart how beautiful you are. But it makes it better that you’re a real person with great things to say. You know? Like you’re sharing.
Happy Birthday, Laneia!