Oh sweet humans, hello. If you’ve been keeping up with these recaps, you already know that when nothing overtly lezbiqt happens, the Grey’s recaps don’t happen. I mean, do you really wanna sit through me explaining medical procedures by connecting them to the Illuminati and cyborg biker gangs?
So I queef, yeah, just keep it on the down low.
So about last week, the gayest part of it occurred at the very end of the scene. We will start there. Cool? Yup.
Oh yeah, I banged Karev a couple of seasons ago. Ay.
After an episode dominated by surgeries and doctoring, Callie and Arizona finally had a drama filled moment of Univision proportions. Minus the slapping, of course.
Callie sits with Karev, Pierce and Meredith in the house that Ellis Grey built. They’re drinking beers, and reminiscing about all the ways they’ve all had sex with each other. Nothing says friendship like recounting smash sessions. It’s all raindrops on roses until the doorbell rings. Who could it be?
Damn, I know that queef.
It’s Arizona. The dreamgirl. She’s standing in the rain waiting to be loved. Can we all run to the door and love her together? Karev lets her in and it’s awkward. Everyone looks from Callie to Arizona and back again.
Damn, none of you knew my ex-wife was ’bout to roll up?
Karev offers Arizona a bedroom upstairs. Callie and Arizona meet eyes one last time. Arizona walks upstairs alone.
Dude, you said she was cool about weed stuff. And I’ve got a fat bag on me and now shit is just kinda weird.
At some point in the series, everyone who’s been a doctor at Grey-Sloan Memorial has lived in that house, now it’s Arizona’s turn.
Welcome to this week where just enough gay happened to justify a recap!
We begin in Callie’s Laboratory where trials for her Robo Leg are underway.
Dude, just because she’s bisexual doesn’t mean she’s gonna cheat on her wife with you. That’s just a malicious stereotype that needs to be smashed and really it’s just fucking rude.
She pits two American soldiers against each other in the most epic video game challenge ever. Winner gets the Robo Leg.
He’s so getting the Robo Leg.
The loser has to spend the night patting Dr. Ginger Spice on the head while telling him what a good boy he is. Owen is a needy bitch, y’all.
Flash to the hallway where Dr. Geena Davis is on the move to her next surgery, stuffing chowder banana flavored ice cream into her mouth. Cuz fuck not eating weird shit when you’ve only got six months to live.
When you buy something nasty on purpose so that no one else eats it.
And yet, Arizona decides that today’s the day she’s gonna be all up on Dr. GDs ass. Like a side chick trying to gain some leverage, she’s asking way too many questions about Dr. Geena Davis jr.’s personal bizness. Homegirl just wants to eat her damn chowder ice cream, shit. But Arizona won’t leave well enough alone.
All I’ve ever needed is one finger to please anyone. Until you learn the one-finger-pop procedure, you’ll never do it like I do it.
So, Dr. Dottie Hinson pulls out a switch she found on her way to work and shakes it at Arizona. There’s no time for fun and games, she uses it to shoo Arizona away from the surgery. Arizona needs some time to think about what being a good sub means.
Dr. GD’s tumor is inoperable anyway which means banana chowder ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, trick.
And we’re back to American Gladiators: Soldiers edition.
Robo Leg: Never Break
starring Dwayne Johnson, Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodriguez, Woody Harrelson, and introducing, this guy.
The winner of the challenge straps on the Robo Leg, does a few backflips and some breakdancing. But he’s going too fast, spinning way out of control, and meets the end of a metal pole with his skull.
Now you know there’s gonna be a sequel, y’all.
Shit is crazy. Blood gets errywhere, y’all.
Owen blames Callie’s bloodlust for the soldier’s injury. Owen is a blamer mansplainer.
If you had just let me guide you into the space, you wouldn’t have hit the curb, Callie.
We find Arizona hiding in a closet somewhere making phone calls to Dr. Geena Davis’s other hospital. She wants to know how serious her brain tumor is even though she knows that Dr. GD has only six months of life left on this earth.
Lesbian Jesus, give me the courage to divorce my wife even though I still love her, we share custody of more than one animal, and our child’s name is a combination of both our names. Also, please make sure that in the end I get the dog and the Subaru because fuck that cat.
Goddess help Callie if she finds another lady-friend because Arizona will be callin’ round to her job and her mother’s house, creating fake FB profiles etc trying to get dirt on her.
Classic Side Ho-ery.
It’s been almost 35 minutes since my last safety meeting. Time to get my mind right.
And like a clueless abuelita, the other hospital gives Arizona all of Dr. GD’s charts. No red tape. Nothing. Here you go. Thank you. Come again.
Let the record show that Dr. Geena Davis has a giant brain tumor.
Big. Grande. Muy Large. Jeezus. Enough with the fucking brain tumor.
Damn is it warm in here or is it just Dr. Ginger Hunt blowing hot man air everywhere? If you said hot man air, you’d be right!
But I’m a man, Callie, and obviously that means that whenever you’re doing something, I need to weigh in, and whenever you mess up, I have to show you the error of your ways. Because without men, women would just be fumbling around in the atmosphere, cold, confused, and unable to change the tires on their cars. And without the hot air coming out of my mouth, you would freeze to death.
We’re finally at the part in every episode where Callie gets either scolded or aided by one of the manly men of Grey’s.
Santa Maria Madre de Dios, keep me from cutting this fool.
Cue 90s reggae air horn. Champion lover no ease up tonight. Forget banana chowder. Dr. GD wants the D. So she looks around her Fellowship, sees that Graham has a D and jumps on it. Bad Girls Club forever.
Ride it, my pony. My saddle’s waiting, come and jump on it.
Arizona catches them in the act sweating up against the radiator. Hospitals are where all of the sex is happening y’all.
Unless you’re Callie and Arizona; then you’re not only never having sex but you’re actually having the worst day ever.
That face when you catch your parents f*cking in the kitchen.
Callie sits alone on a chair in the Vestibule of Sadness. The weight of the world’s oppression and Robo Leg injuries weighs heavy on her shoulders. She is hunched over as a river of tears pools at her feet. She may dive in. IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE?
Hair game on distressed.
Arizona’s there. She cares and asks Callie:
Are you ok?
Callie pauses her Telemundo-level weeping to answer Arizona.
I will be.
So like I auditioned for the role of the mom on Jane the Virgin, pero like, I didn’t get the part so…
And there it is. Everyone will be ok. But they’re still wives, and shit is all fucked up. So Arizona wishes upon a gay star and the time-space continuum pauses just for her and in this moment, y’all everything is as it was before.
Bish, whatevrs.
They sit together, drama-free, for just a second. They’re still wives. They’re still human beings who need love and a break from the shit storm. Arizona reaches out into their hopelessness and asks:
Could we just pretend that everything between you and I is ok? Just for a little bit? I could use that.
Arizona, I will play any game of pretend that you need because my heart is yours until the end of time. No, that’s not Callie, that’s me. Callie sucks in a few tears and allows Arizona to take a seat next to her.
2 little girls growing out of their training bras
this little girl breaks furniture, this little girl breaks laws
2 girls together
just a little less alone
Arizona to Callie: I feel like everything is going wrong and I have no idea what to do about it.
Callie to Arizona: I feel like every single thing I’m doing is wrong.
Instead of embracing her wife with cariño, Callie pats Arizona on the leg and once again tells her to buck up, she’ll figure it out. Arizona agrees and tells Callie that she too will figure it out.
I just need to channel the Power of Taylor Swift.
Arizona gets up to leave and then she does that thing that beautiful brokenhearted fools do. She asks that one question that has the power to level us, strip us of our dignity.
Do you miss me? At all?
Without hesitation, Callies replies:
Of course.
I also miss our imaginary child and feeling like a human being, so like… what’s your point?
Arizona, stoic, dignified, responds:
Just not enough.
It’s cool. I’m just gonna throw on some old school Mary J. Blige and get my Waiting to Exhale on so watch out for your car and shit.
Arizona doesn’t crumble or melt into Callie’s arms. Her response is the epitome of knowing someone so deeply, knowing them in the way where the brutality of their honesty is a secret they keep but you know where their heart is and what they’re thinking, so you know what they want to say to you but never will. You know they’ve already gone before they’ve even left. Arizona is on this level of knowing Callie.
Does every relationship involving two women on a network television show always end this way?
It’s not enough. Arizona walks away. Callie doesn’t follow.
No más gay in this episode. Til next week y’all.
PS – There will be no Owen/Callie sexing. It seems more likely that Dr. Amelia Shephard will be getting that Ginger D soon enough.
Ay, tell me things y’all. Uplift my weakening spirit and tell me about the things that keep you going. I want Calzona to survive because I want to believe in marriage and vows and love and shit. What are your thoughts? How do we move forward? And also, just outta curiosity, which chica would you wife up? Does Arizona make your bits tingle or is Callie the Mega Babe Bisexual Badass of yer dreams?
a++ recapping, as per uzhe
On the one hand, I think it’s good to grant a bunch of time and weight to the end of a marriage between two women (and I’m generally interested in stories about navigating the world of divorcing co-parents, even of imaginary children) and on the other, I just want them to be kissing each other and happy and I can’t help but hope that the relative earliness in the season during which this is happening is indicative of an ultimate reunion.
unrelated to this episode/season, how long has it been since Hahn left? six years? I would really like to see a guest appearance at some point before the end of the series where we find out she has a gr9 relationship and she and Callie can have a conversation.
and I would 100% marry Callie
right like if you’re going to get married then isn’t sticking it out through the hardest times part of the deal? if not, why does everyone get freaking married? that’s what i don’t understand about them. why leave now? like let this be the moment where you both realize that you’ve made it through worse moments. ay ay ay.
and yeahhh, callie, huh? ooohh!
I am so infatuated with Callie. I see myself in her. Her flaws are my flaws. So we would probably make an awful couple but we would be really hot together. Arizona is just too cutesy for my liking, though she is a sweetheart and I would very much embrace her as part of my queer fam.
I am so so so relieved about Callie and Owen. Amelia is way too good for Owen too though?! She’s a badass bitch and she deserves someone less soggy than Owen. I wanna see her hook up with Stephanie tbh. Still holding out for that.
I don’t yhink Calzona will reconcile. They’ve gone too far. How would Arizona ever trust that Callie wants and needs her ever again?
Yeah, Amelia and Stephanie… I’d ship that
I was rooting for Ameila and Pierce, but I would 100% be in support of a Amelia and Stephanie ship.
soggy owen lmao
also, how can we procure a pic of you and callie in all your hotness?
Someone get an intern onto photoshop stat!
The recap was brilliant, as usual. The captions were really inspired.
I am most of all relieved that Callie and Owen does not seem to be a thing.
Not optimistic for Calzona’s future.
Let’s see if Dr Geena Davis and Arizona are able to save Kepner and Avery’s baby along with Callie since the baby has a bone issue if I understood the med-speak correctly… Maybe that will bring back the spark
yo, you are brilliant! i hadn’t thought about it that way. maybe you’re right. maybe they save Kepner’s baby and that saves their marriage and THEN Callie gets pregnant and Arizona wins everything!
or something similar…
and thanks for the recap love. seriously, it was my second recap cuz the first one was eaten by WP. i needed a beer to even begin re-writing and i think the beer shines through in this one.
I vote for beer before recap every week!
Well, not every week since Shondaland Thursday doesnt come back until the end of January…
I will miss your recaps most of all
I also vote beer before recap! Although they are always amazing and this is now basically my favourite AS thing period.
Also also also I would take Callie over Arizona all day every day
details?
Like, dirty details? Only over a drink eheheh
Funny you should ask if we would wife up Callie or Arizona. True Story: Watching the Callie coming out storyline and the beginning of the Callie/Arizona relationship is what turned on the light for me in the dark closet of my latent homosexuality. For the longest time, I thought I wanted to be like Callie. I was in awe of her total badass-ery. Then I realized, despite myself, I am so much like Arizona. All earnest and pink and bubbly. I didn’t want to be *like* Callie; I wanted to make out with Callie and keep her warm at night. Realizing that distinction changed my whole damn world.
I am SO happy that Callie is going to get saved from that soon-to-be-disastourous Owen love story. But I’m sad that Amelia is going to end up a casualty of it. She deserves so much better. I’m also afraid that straight fangirls who were diehards for Owen and Cristina will turn on Ameila as a result- Amelia is just the best, and I want everyone to love her for her tender, brave heart like I do. Is that too much to ask? Probably. lol.
Recaps are a classic! Like always. In addition to your consistent pitch perfect humor, I loved the way you wrote the Callie/Arizona “Do you miss me?” scene. It made my heart lunge into my throat to read your words. Can’t wait to read more of them in January!
I have been waiting for your Grey’s recaps to return for what feels like forever! The captions for these pictures this week are absolute gems. And yes Gabby, I would love to see some of the analogies that you would come up with to explain complex medical procedures.
I think Calzona will get divorced/separated for now, as much as I desperately wish they wouldn’t, because there’s never been a TV plotline (to my knowledge) where two women who are married with a child have split up, so this storyline is exploring new (or scarcely-treaded) territory, even though my heart is breaking while it’s happening. But I do think Callie and Arizona will eventually realize again that they love each other and that they belong together, and they will reunite before the end of the series, because I believe that Calzona are one of Grey’s OTPs.
(I mean, Calzona are basically the Monica and Chandler of Grey’s. Kind of. It’s not the perfect analogy, but the sentiment fits/works. Especially if MerDer are considered the Rachel and Ross of Grey’s.)
Both women are absolutely lovely, but I would probably want Callie to be the one to “pick me, choose me, love me” as her wife.
pero like, Owen and Callie are like Callie and Derek= science bros.
That girl only wants Arizona.
Just like I only want Callie. -inhuman noises-
So I wasn’t going to comment, but like… reading the comments I feel Arizona needs some love.
“Arizona, I will play any game of pretend that you need because my heart is yours until the end of time.”
I share the sentiment. I think it’s the dimples.