This is a Post About Gay Grammy Nominees, Lesbian Movie Scenes, Johnny Depp, Neil Young

GRAMMYS:

It’s Grammy time! I know, right? Like who really cares. Whatever. The good news is that Taylor Swift wasn’t nominated for anything. I’m guessing it’s ’cause she didn’t release anything new this year, probably  because she was too busy writing that song about the sunshine-eyed boy who broke her honky-tonk pick-up heart in the backyard of her fennel farm, inspiring her to cry a river all over her guitar and subsequently get into a yacht and ride, Noah’s-Ark-Style, into the sunset/sunrise/duskdawn early twilightflash of her virginal youth where she was forced to swap out her damp guitar because she got pneumonia from all the walking/standing/dreaming in the rain and ruined her guitar and then she wrote a song on a napkin and it floated all the way down the river Moses-style and the Pharaoh anointed her with a burning bush which she said she’d really rather save for marriage. And then she was named Entertainer of the Year by Entertainment Weekly:

However some other people we like were included:

Anyhow! Back to the Grammys! I’m going to focus here on the bisexuals, homosexuals, and otherwise-identified queer persons. Because this post is horribly behind the news cycle and we need a hook.

Adam Lambert was surprised to see he was nominated for Best Male Pop Vocal Performance for “Whaddya Want From Me.”

Adam Lambert will compete against the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, who, in addition to being the King of Pop, is also dead. Dead people almost always win, because people panic that just because they’re dead, they won’t release another album, and they will have missed their golden opportunity to give a Grammy to a dead person.

Lady Gaga was nominated for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance, Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals (for Telephone with Beyoncé), Album of the Year and Best Pop Vocal Album. For Best Pop Vocal Album, Lady Gaga will actually literally be competing with Justin Bieber, John Mayer, Katy Perry and… wait for it… SUSAN BOYLE. What is this world we’re living in.

Best Dance Performance is def the strongest category, featuring Goldfrapp, La Roux, Lady Gaga, Rihanna and Robyn. Janelle Monáe‘s ArchAndroid will compete for Best Contemporary R&B Album. Margaret Cho is up for Best Comedy Album along with Kathy Griffin. Green Day’s American Idiot and K-Chen/Sean Hayes’ Promises, Promises will compete for Best Musical Show Album.

And Florence & the Machine will duke it out against Biebs and Jimmy-in-the-Wheelchair for Best New Artist. I actually thought Justin Bieber had been around for a while, he’s new? Really? Is that why he’s such a big deal?

Basically most of these awards are going to go to Neil Young. Here’s a video of Neil Young from 1971:

For a more in-depth look at the Best New Age Album category, check The Awl.

STRAIGHT PEOPLE WRITING ABOUT GAY PEOPLE:

Apparently someone at ABC has access to information regarding the Top Five Most Famous Lesbian Scenes. They picked Mullholland Drive, Wild Things, Bound, D.E.B.S and Cruel Intentions. Cruel Intentions? Really? Also, how many of these scenes involve actual lesbian characters? You know we’re in trouble when straight girls are winning awards for the most famous lesbian scenes.

In other “random lists made by major news organizations” news, Entertainment Weekly is debating the relative homosexuality of Johnny Depp’s characters.

HARRY POTTER:

The cast, then and now.

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Riese

Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3279 articles for us.

39 Comments

  1. I don’t understand the Grammys. My #1 feeling, besides confusion, is that I hope Green Day win the best musical album.

  2. Holy shit when did Neville Longbottom get hot?

    Yes, I am commenting on the six words in this post about Harry Potter and not anything else. Ok, really I’m just trying to squeeze some more Potter in here for Emily.

  3. AHAHAHAAAA… Jimmy-in-the-Wheelchair!!!!
    I was like… hey that’s an interesting band name…

    AND THEN I GOT IT.

    #degrassi #neverforget

  4. Bonnie Wright basically hasn’t changed at all which means Ginny being cute in the next movie worries me :-/

    I think Dudley gets Most Improved. Poor guy.

  6. Adam Lambert all the way, I hope he wins. I am cofused, Why a dead person needs Grammy? As far as I remember he was shunned by music industry while alive, A guilty concience perhaps? I say, let the living people benefit from the grammy.

  7. I love this post. I think Riese is on fire this week.

    No, like seriously, I can smell charring flesh, someone go get a fire extinguisher.

  8. I would love Adam Lambert to win but I’m just pleasantly surprised that he was nominated, these inane awards are usually not based on talent. That being said, I am wondering why no one is writing about the fact that Bruno Mars album did not sell well yet he garnered alot of nominations. His voice while tolerable in collaborations, listening to him sing a whole song is as painful as listening to the Justin Fetus.

    • Agree with you comletely, I like Bruno as a person but his voice is too much and too pitchy for me,specially in high notes and all his songs sound the same and forgetable. I too don’t get Bruno hype. Adam Lambert is my guy, he is super talented and his acoustic “Whatya want from me” is to die for. His vocals are pure and it touches your soul.

      • I love me some Adam, too. He is actually the only reason I will watch the Grammys for the first time ever, lol.

      • Speaking of Bruno; does anyone else pretend he is FTM? Try it, it makes him super-hot. I think he might be. I am starting this rumor….Now.

  9. Team Adam! So happy to see him up for a Glammy, can’t wait to see him walk the red carpet, he will look so stunning.

  10. Wait, is Janelle Monáe queer-identified? I know that she really rocks the tux, is progressive and awesome and all that, but I thought that she was only queer in my dreams.

  13. “Also, how many of these scenes involve actual lesbian characters?”

    Isn’t it four out of five? Or am I remembering these movies completely wrong?

  15. i had to breathe so many times to read the really long sentence about taylor swift out loud to my roommate so that we could laugh together.

  16. Good for Adam! Just happy he got a damn nomination. These award shows are so ridiculous. I don’t even think talent is considered in the outcome. It’s just – who is the most popular? Who’s album sold the best? Who’s fanbase is made up of the msot 12 year old girls? I don’t even bother anymore.

    Glad about Bruno too! I don’t know why people are insulting him. I saw him live on Tuesday and he was fantastic! A great guy with a great voice! The only singer who impressed me more than him (live at least) was Adam Lambert. I love his album.

    Thrilled about no Taylor Swift. Honey, we know he broke your heart, then you fell in love. You can shut up now. No one actually cares.

    I wonder who is going to win best new artist? I think it means new, as in newly born.

  19. Dead people don’t always win! Sometimes they split the vote! GEORGE HARRISON WAS ROBBED, TIMBERLAKE. Also Warren Zevon. And the third guy I don’t remember because it was years ago.

    Also, another vote for Hot Dudley. I’m pretty sure it was Goblet of Fire where I suddenly sat up in my theater seat all “what is this hotness?”. And then got folded in half by said theater seat. So yeah, that is why I am so disappointed the Deathly Hallows movie didn’t include the semi-friendly Dursley farewell – because I am shallow. I guess.

  20. I know she’s nominated for a Grammy and all but I still dont think the States appreciates Robyn enough, I mean the woman is a genius, 3 savage albums in quick succesion, unbelievable. She tours there a lot these days so do you think you guys could just give her back to us here, thanks a million……well, alright, maybe im just a little bitter she didnt include a stop here on her tour, whatevs!

  21. did anyone else notice that the category at entertainment weekly for that article about johnny depp was “gay/lesbian/kathygriffin”?

  23. I know I’m late for the omg green day musical madness but… I’M GOING TO A SHOWING WITH BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG AS ST. JIMMY.

    • I’m incredibly jealous. St Jimmy is an amazing character, I can understand why Billie Joe is interested in stepping in.

  24. Neil Young + 40 years + 1 grammy (for box set design)= sham
    Not even nominated for the song you posted on YouTube. He’s not dead yet, so maybe after 40 years of being one of the most innovative and influential artists of all time…..maybe the shammies will honor him.
    This Joke’s for You!

  25. Before I can even read the rest, I need to talk about that sentence about Taylor Swift that looks like a paragraph but is actually one entirely grammatically correct sentence, and the sentence itself is awesome, awesome, awesome.

    DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THAT!?

  26. So in the Johnny Depp article, when describing Edward Scissorhands to make him sound gay, they include “pines for Winona Ryder”. I guess Edward Scissorhands is a lesbian?

  27. How can you compete against a dead man? MJ is gone and it is his family that is the greedy ones….Play his music but keep him out of the awards shows….

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