Going to an Outdoor Semi-Formal Event in the F*cking Snow

I do not like to be in the snow. It’s cold, it’s wet, it’s blinding. It’s the worst. But, lucky me, I got invited to an outdoor event in the snow a couple weeks ago. What kind of person plans an outdoor event at a ski lodge in the middle of November in Idaho? And who actually expects that people will not just come to an event like that, but will also dress up? Well, in my case, she’s one of my best friends, and it’s her wedding, so of course I’m going to go. But I need to figure out what the heck to wear. There are three main things I want my outfit to do. One: it has to look good. If it can look intimidating, that’s even better. Two: obviously, it has to keep me warm. Three: it needs to convey a big “fuck you” to Mother Nature for making it 15 degrees outside. I want my outfit to stand in fashionable defiance of the bitter cold, showing that I too am a powerful and deadly force of of nature.

So, why not just dress like a witch?

Seriously, what kind of person would do this to me???

Seriously, what kind of person would do this to me???

Of course, you’re entire outfit is going to be black. It’s okay if the event is a wedding or party, you’ll look great standing out against the all-white background of snow. And focusing so much on getting your outfit right will help distract you from the fact that you’re at a freaking outdoor event in the freaking snow. Some people might think you’re going overboard with the whole witch thing, but those people are too weak for fashion. Don’t listen to them. Go 100% — go more than 100%.

Now, you may have noticed that  I placed importance on looking good before being warm, which, honestly, was a bit of a mistake and I was kind of miserable for part of it. With that in mind, let’s talk about the type of dress you should wear. In my opinion, nothing quite says “the wearer of this dress is a witch” quite like a white collared black dress. For some plus size versions of this dress, you can check out Modcloth for the Akin to Audrey Dress in Black or the Trick of the Eye-catching Dress. The other purely stylistic choice for this outfit are these black cat earrings.

Next, we need to make sure we’re keeping warm. You could wear a winter coat, or you could go another route and instead wear a cape. You guys, let me tell you, when you’re at a semi-formal event (like I said, in my case a wedding) and you’re the only person wearing a cape in a sea of pea coats, trench coats and puffy jackets, you will get a ton of compliments. Plus, they’re pretty dang warm. As for keeping your hands warm, the best way to go is a faux fur muff. I really don’t understand why people don’t still wear muffs all the time. They’re great! They double as a great way to keep your hands nice and cozy and an excuse to make lesbian sex jokes. To top it off, some black ankle boots are both a great snowy-weather shoe and they’re also pretty spot on for a witch-inspired outfit.

For your last two accessories, add on some warm wool tights (this is where you can add some brown to break up the black) and a nice black wool wide-brimmed hat. These both provide some warmth to the parts of your body not covered by your cape, and they look really, really good.

Relativity, Liz Claiborne, Asos, Smartwool

Liz Clairborne New York Wide Brim Floppy Hat w/Ribbon Trim [$18.16] // Asos Faux Fur Muff [$41.69] // Relativity “Heidi” Lace-up Ankle Boots [$27.99] // Fleece Cape Jacket [$39] // Take Meow Tonight Earrings [$9.99] // Vero Moda Collared Shift Dress // [$41.69] SmartWool Wool Tights [$46.95]

Just add some dark eyeshadow, winged eyeliner and blood red lipstick and you’ve completed the look. Now check yourself out. You look freaking great and you’re keeping warm! So, even though you might be miserable from standing in the snow too long, at least you’ll look good while you’re doing it. Plus, looking as badass and intimidating as you do, you’re sure to scare off anyone who is too weak for you and sure to attract anyone who’s just right. After all, that’s everyone’s goal whenever they go out, right?

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Mey

Mey Rude is a fat, trans, Latina lesbian living in LA. She's a writer, journalist, and a trans consultant and sensitivity reader. You can follow her on twitter, or go to her website if you want to hire her.

Mey has written 572 articles for us.

21 Comments

  1. I love everything about this article, except the fact that you had to be outside in the snow. I’m so sorry. I refuse to attend outdoor events in the winter (I live in Vermont, so winter is like six months of the year), but if I do decide to attend any, this is the look I’m going for.

  2. Ha! This is great!

    Also, your friends who threw an outdoor event in November in Idaho are seriously sadistic. LOL

  8. A muff! I love the idea! I don’t know why I’ve never owned one, since my fingers are perpetually cold and always stuffed inside of mittens and pockets and jacket sleeves.
    I love your attitude towards winter and life.

  10. i bought a cape to wear to a funeral and i hate to say it but i felt fucking awesome at that funeral and now i want to wear that cape all the goddamn time. this article is a revelation.

  11. You are the Femme Witch Coven Head Witch! Yes, you could intimidate anyone with your boss face, but the (VELVET???) CAPE and MUFF certainly add to the effect. Also, the muff is on sale!

  12. One blessing I can count for the funeral tomorrow for which I will need to awaken at 7am for is that it doesn’t really snow where I live.
    Seen it,touched it, gone tubing in it, had my glasses turn into mini frozen windshields.
    Snow is not magic, unless that magic is evil and not the fun kind of evil.

    If I want to slide down an incline I’ll just cut up a cardboard box and go to da levy like nature intended.

    Capes are clearly what nature intended for all awesome humans and I’m clearly not meant for the cold because I’m allergic to wool.

  13. um, this was hilarious? i would’ve worn uniqlo high-tech warm body legging situations, jeans, a tank top, a long-sleeved shirt, a hoodie, a coat with a hood, mittens, a scarf, thick socks, warm boots and sunglasses.

  15. I love the fact that you basically dressed like a witch! It’s totally jiving with my sense of humor.

  18. “I really don’t understand why people don’t still wear muffs all the time. They’re great! They double as a great way to keep your hands nice and cozy and an excuse to make lesbian sex jokes.”
    That’s why nobody wears them anymore.

Comments are closed.