Holigays 2023

Some of us never left “goblin mode” behind in 2022, when it arose via a doctored headline featuring the appropriately bisexual Julia Fox. Goblin mode, at its heart, is about shirking societal expectations and disobeying authority. The goblin is not straight, does not dream of labor, and likes what they like without apology. Sometimes this looks like wrapping themselves in a burrito of blankets and sleeping all day, and sometimes it looks like thoughtfully caring for their space and filling it with crafts. And listen, I’m not going to stereotype myself and other queers by saying that we’re goblins. But we’re often kinda goblins. We have executive dysfunction and seasonal depression! We need to decompress! We don’t necessarily WANT to socialize! But we love you. We do.

So, below, we have gifts for those in your life going goblin mode this season or all seasons, presents for the filthy gremlins you picked up on your quest, and offerings for the absolute trolls who are near and dear to your heart.

Goblin Gifts Under $30

1. Malcolm the Mushroom Squishmallow ($24.99)
2. Gay Chaos Socks ($18)
3. Goblin Mode Tumbler ($27.99))
4. Morels ($26.95)

First of all, I have it on good authority that part of going goblin mode can involve this thing called Squishmallows. There is an endless array of these little guys, each with their own story. Your dear goblin may enjoy this mushroom in a scarf, just as a thought! And what is a gremlin, a goblin, a troll if they aren’t causing chaos? They may reject labels, but I think they’ll make an exception for the Autostraddle Gay Chaos socks. Plus, it’s accurate! Speaking of gay chaos, your goblin is either a) consistently dehydrated or b) something known as a Beverage Goblin, or one who drinks at least three different beverages (one for caffeination, one for hydration, one for fun) at once! If you’re lucky enough to get some one-on-one time with the goblin, then there is nothing that communicates the feelings of coziness and moistness simultaneously like this lightly competitive yet soothing game where you collect mushrooms in the forest and cook them in a cast iron pan to earn points.

Goblin Gifts $31-$50

1. A weighted blanket ($42.99)
2. A bed tray ($34.99)
3. Make Your Own Cactus Friends crochet kit ($34.29)

We started to get into this with the squishmallows, but a goblin is aggressive about their coziness, fiercely protective of their lair, and maybe even in need of some sensory aids. You could get them a weighted blanket, literally be a hero. Or what about a bed tray? If you want to be extra cute, you could turn the bed tray into a whole gift situation by adding some of their favorite snacks, maybe the tumbler, too. Finally, they’re not always reading or watching while cozy. Often, you’ll find a goblin crafting or taking up a new hobby here and there until they’ve accrued a whole library of hobby supplies. So, why not a self-contained project? This kit contains everything a goblin needs to crochet cacti friends. They get an activity…and then some pretty cute decor!

Goblin Gifts $50+

1. Nestl Backrest Reading Pillow ($90.52)
2. Purple Princette Vibrator ($69)
3. Monthly poetry subscription via Bluestockings Cooperative ($25/month)

If you want them to up their game in the bedroom, you can gift your goblin who’s already rotting in bed a reading pillow! Also great for gaming, crocheting, scheming comfortably. And if you thought that first sentence there was going to be sexual, why not get a vibrator that looks like a cute lil monster…for your cute lil monster? Lastly, a goblin is a deep, emotional being at times, too. Like ogres and onions, they have layers. And did you, my friend with excellent taste, know that you can sign someone up to receive a new book of poetry every month from Bluestockings Collective? Because you can! And just because you can, means that maybe you should.

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