Cut to Brittany’s bedroom, where Santana, who Brittany describes as her “former lady-lover,” has been summoned for a Very Special Episode of Fondue for Two. Ideally this’ll be the episode where they dip each other in fondue, and then lick away.
today, Santana and I will be demonstrating how to use nipple clamps
Also:
much like how Santa Claus is real — you’re pretty sure you saw him once, but since then you’ve just had to rely on your faith and imagination
But Santana’s totally over this Fondue for Two situation and is ready to get down to personal intimate business, because she’s the only one who can really break Brittany open. Once upon a time these were two best friends who loved each other so much that before long their bodies became part of that intimacy, these were two girls who were never seen apart.
you never needed me to open up all the way in order to insert a junior mint into my mouth before, what’s changed
Santana: “What the hell is going on with you? You’re acting like a completely different person, it’s making me sad.”
Brittany: “Well get over it, sadness is stupid.”
Santana: “Brit, I sill care about you as a person and as a friend, and this just isn’t you.”
Brittany: “What I’m about to tell you is going to change everything, Santana.”
We then cut, leaving us empty and unsatisfied, just like Santana’s vagina. What was Brittany gonna say? That she manufactures meth? That she murdered her abusive stepfather and was in the care of a federal air marshall when Oceanic 815 crashed? That she and Landry killed that guy who attacked Tara? That Dawn is the key? That she cheated on Tina with the carpenter? That she’s having an affair with Brody? We’ll never know.
After a rigorous commercial break, we return to Glee to find that despite it being merely 9:36 PM, Regionals are well underway. Is somebody gonna do a Michael Jackson tribute.
excuse me santana do you think you could stop being hot and perfect for a second, it’s very distracting for the new cast
First up is a bunch of cater-waiters singing “The Rainbow Connection.”
i hope somebody brought a jumbo pack of junior mints!
Backstage Ryder surprises everybody by re-joining the Club, ’cause it wouldn’t be fair to punish the whole team when he’s only upset at one person. Everybody still thinks that person is Marley-Kate, but apparently nobody cares, maybe because they all think Ryder should’ve busted that fake pop stand the minute it turned out to be fake, because come on dude, get a hobby.
don’t worry mr. shue, i’ll never quit our secret gay club
But Ryder will be leaving Glee after this year, he says, which is meaningless because people are always quitting and then re-joining Glee Club. It’s a thing.
shit i think i have a pimple behind my ear
Then the Hoosierdaddies take the stage, starring some girl who is apparently famous amongst our target market who I have never heard of (maybe I’m just too old for this show?), Jessica Sanchez. She’ll probably transfer next season.
excuse me while i part the red sea with my amazing voice
Here they are doing “Clarity”:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGkTv5HfxPw
And next up is “Wings”:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Un0D4eft60
junior mint me up, baby
Because the breaks between songs in Glee-land Regionals Master Tournament are indefinite, the children have gathered backstage for Brittany to tell everybody a thing.
now kiss
The big news is that Brittany got a full ride to MIT and they’d like her to leave for MIT immediately, because Glee. This news has empowered her to begin speaking like a normal person:
Brittany: My entire life, people have always told me that I was stupid. And after a while I started to believe them. And it wasn’t until I walked in this room and I joined this club that I started believing in myself. And as soon as I did that, as soon as, I started believing that maybe I was smart after all, I think the whole world did, too. And I’m really gonna miss you guys. Cause you guys are like my family.
if you scissored with your family
Brittany: Mr. Shue is like our dad.
especially when he commands me to yell “who’s your daddy?” during dance practice
Brittany: And Mercedes and Tina and Sugar and Mercedes [ed note: she meant “unique”], you guys are all like my sisters.
just got pantsed
Brittany: And Mike Chang and Blaine and Jim [“my name’s Joe”], you guys are all like my brothers.
fake quinn is scheming for her season five future as the biggest baddest blondest bitch in school
Brittany: And Artie, you’re like the boy next door who builds robots in his basement and who I take his virginity.
and who sometimes speaks in a problematic tone of voice
Brittany: And Jake and Marley and Ryder and Kitty, you guys are like the foster kids who come to live with us when the orphanage closes and that who we don’t trust at first but we grow to love just like we do our pets.
also isn’t it funny when i try and feed you puppy chow
Brittany: And there’s Sam. The cute boy from the wrong side of the tracks who does good impressions and who I fake marry. I love you so much Sam.
Sam: I love you too Brittany.
Brittany: I’m really gonna miss you.
Sam: I’m gonna miss you Brittany.
yup i dealt it and you smelt it
Obviously Brittany is saving the best for last.
Brittany: And there’s Santana.
my eyeballs are licking your inner thighs
Santana: Oh man, you don’t have to say anything, Brittany.
[My notes for this section: “UM YEAH YOU DO”]
after the show meet me behind the bleachers for one last “touchdown” if you know what i mean
oh honey i brought extra dental dams for just this reason
The New Directions take the stage and I am of the unpopular opinion that their performance was pretty neat, mostly ’cause almost everybody had a moment to shine — although I would’ve liked way more Brittany and Unique.
hey bro junior mint right here right now
New Puck opens “Hall of Fame” with a bouncy, dancey confidence, joined by his brothers-in-cardigans Ryder Bieber-Strong, Teen Jesus, Artie and Sam. They sing like cocky schoolboys while the girls dance demurely in the background, eventually joining the group front and center for the dramatic ending.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yIGVOyiHDc
Here, for “I Love It,” Fake Quintana and Tina get to be sassy, singing like they’re smacking gum with their tits thrust into the air, alternately strutting around fashion-model style or pushing boys around like smart bitches. It’s super fun and sassy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAlGX6GtGGY
roxy baby you better shoot that junior mint all the way up my throat
then again, maybe i won’t participate in this dance routine
“All or Nothing,” Marley’s Original Song, is predictable and relatively uninspired, but whatever.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9oZAjrIdd0
There’s a moment when Ryder glances at Unique with nearly a half-smile, too, and I cry, and a little tiny creature called hope pops up in my gut, hoping it’ll be time soon.
We all die of shock when the Cater-Waiters snag third, the Hoosierdaddies take second, and The New Directions win FIRST PLACE WORLD CHAMPION EVENT LEADER CAPTAIN GENERAL UNIVERSE CRUSHERS EVER!
never been more ready for a junior mint explosion
oh hey let’s just pretend like none of this catfish stuff ever happened, riese would prefer that
look who just graduated from the University of Hamburgerology
Surprise! The Cater-Waiters snag third place, The Daddy-os get second place and New Directions manage to seal the first-place deal despite the fact that they just started practicing yesterday. Cue standard slo-mo piano music celebratory embrace.
The auditorium: a little bit later. Brittany is sitting alone. Santana shows up, like Brittany knew she would, and she takes Brittany’s hand, and they walk offstage like two peas in a pod.
This was nice. It was nice that she exited with the girl she came in with — that at least to Brittany, if not the writers, Brittana remains the realest thing.
Backstage in the Clubhouse, Mr. Shue congratulates his young charges, triumphantly declaring that “the present and the future is all about the New Directions”!
and right here, right where i’m pointing, is where brittany will impregnate herself with a turkey baster so she and santana can have gaybies and be happy forever
Then Emma shows up with a minister so Will and Emma can get married without “the pressure of a big wedding.” On a scale of one to ten I don’t really care, so.
are you sure you wanna marry this dude, he’s honestly kinda a tool
The most important part of this scene is that Brittany and Santana show up slightly late to this hoo-ha because they were obviously going clamdiving in the bathroom stall.
see look at brittany fixing her dress
Meanwhile, Blaine’s got a box with a ring on it in his hand behind his back… will he propose to Kurt? Will Rachel end up in Funny Girl? Did Santana reschedule her date with the hot choreographer? Is there a giant dildo in that bouquet of flowers? I’m sure we will get the answers to 10% of our questions when Season Five returns!
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Ryder tells everybody that they’re all fucked up. Valid.
Ryder may be a prophet?
Oh maybe I should have just read the whole thing. Whomp whomp.
I’ve never seen this show – just read the recaps – and the simultaneously hilarious and horrifying thing is that sometimes I can’t tell if some of this stuff is actually happening or just Riese being sarcastic.
amen
the sad thing is that she’s usually being serious. lol
I was pretty mad when Unique turned out to be the catfish. goddamnit.
Also seriously I know that the Brittany thing isn’t supposed to be that serious but it’s a litttttttle fucking ridiculous. This is not how MIT works.
I don’t even watch the show I just read these, but I am so disappointed in what they have done with Unique’s character. There is so much potential good and they don’t see it.
Your analysis of the Unique situation is spot on, naturally. It’s so fucked up that not only did Ryan Murphy use that problematic trans* trope, but the only storyline we get for either black female characters is revolving around their body image and/or whether they are worthy of the attention from the white guy. Fuck this show.
My solution to the ridiculous storylines for women on this show is always lesbianism. Mercedes/Unique? Can this be a thing, or?
Yes, this should SO be a thing.
However, it’s nice to see that Unique has friends who support her. Marley Barley Oatcakes had good intentions in covering for her friend.
I thought the same thing too… and then I was kinda horrified that I even thought it because FUCK GLEE. It is ridiculous that when we have such a potentially awesome character we have to resort to happiness when she has ONE FRIEND.
yes i went through this same emotional process
I knew that Unique was going to be the catfish, but, in spite of glee’s predictability, I was hoping that Lord Tubbington would be the catfish.
Little known fact about MIT: There is a huge music/dance scene on campus. Brittany will have a great time, even if this was just a throwaway-write-her-off-the-show situation.
Riese, when the show ended and before I started feeling all the feelings, I thought, “Huh, where was Finn? I bet Riese will be happy about that but then we don’t get any fun potato jokes!”
But really though– yeah. Just– yeah. All of what you said. I was naively really surprised when Unique was first suggested as Catfish way back and then also kept holding out hope that a show that pretends to care about bullying would not go down such a putrid road. Wrong. I was wrong and the show was even more wrong.
(Thank you for quoting Serano too, she’s so good at just breaking it down tho not for everything, she’s less awesome at intersectionality).
Remember that time when Tina mentioned that #gleehatesgirls but it was in the absolute wrong context? I couldn’t help but feel the same way about the advice from the (undeniably adorable) Lesbian couple. No one is telling Blaine not to get married because he’s gay; they’re saying it because he’s like 17 and he and Kurt aren’t even together!
Also, did Lima suddenly move to the other half of Ohio? Or maybe even one of the coasts? They’d been doing such a good job of representing the difficulty of navigating sexuality in a small, conservative, middle American town, but now everyone in fake olive garden wants to cheer for that proposal?
I know there’s no point in complaining about the inconsistencies of this show, but come on now, I thought Ryan Murphy at least still cared about the cis-gendered, white, gay men. What’s left now?
First of all, I just have to say that, Riese, your analysis is perfect, and you’re the best fucking cis ally ever, and I love you for it.
Second of all, ever since Unique was first introduced, I’ve had this sneaking suspicion that the writers have been deliberately trying to be as transphobic as they could get away with, while being just sympathetic enough to trick gullible cis audiences into believing they were doing something groundbreaking. I’m probably being paranoid, but can anyone really be this stupid on accident?
From the very beginning Unique’s entire personality has read like a caricature of what ignorant gay cis men think trans* women are like. Not that it’s impossible that some trans women might be like that(and there’s nothing wrong with acting that way), but for the most part even the straight and femmey ones among us don’t act like overzealous drag queens, and that’s a misconception that really needs to die.
Then they force Unique to present as male to “protect her from bullies” and act as if that isn’t totally messed up. They still let her perform as a girl though, thereby subtly implying that being a drag queen is acceptable, but being trans is too extreme. Then, when it is confirmed that she wants to physically transition, and is taking the steps that are available to her to do so, they imply there’s something problematic about it. They intentionally leave it vague as to whether it’s the physical transition or the non-prescription method they object to, in order to preserve their illusion of acceptance (just a theory), but they imply that she is just following an unhealthy trend by having her say “all the trans kids are doing it”. Again the subtle implication is that changing your body/full-time gender role = bad, but performing in drag is left as the acceptable alternative, which is a common belief among transphobic gay cis men.
And now there’s this masterpiece of transphobia. I’m not going to talk about it because Riese pretty much nailed it. I will say that I absolutely do not ship Rynique under any circumstances. Ryder is boring and I hope he leaves for good. I can’t fathom why Unique would crush on him. Literally any other human at that god forsaken school would be a better match for her than him.
Wow, this turned into a rant. I may just be being paranoid, but if Unique, in the end, decides that her desire to be a girl was merely the product of internalized homophobia and her true dream is to be a world famous drag queen, then my transphobic gay male conspiracy theories will be proven true!
I think you hit the nail on the head and drove it straight through the wood.
I know there are plenty of people calling Unique “he” and “Wade/Unique” still, so clearly, Glee has failed on even covering the basic trans issues. And Unique’s portrayal as a drag queen-ish type has always bugged me. From my limited interactions with trans women, they’re nothing like Unique. I wish they had given her a slightly more mellow personality, because I know the more ignorant people are going to have a complete misunderstanding of what being trans is. -shakes head-
i love you niki! and yes, everything you said is so so so true you’re so right.
it’s funny — what you describe feeling about gay cis men playing out their transphobia all over unique is similar to how i imagine a lot of trans guys felt about lesbian cis women playing out their transphobia all over max in “the l word.” everybody on the l word team gave themselves a big round of applause for introducing a trans male character to the show, but by the last season it was grossly evident that visibility was never ilene chaiken’s intent, she just wanted to further marginalize, “other” and distance the community from trans guys. and what’s scary about that is that a lot of us drank her kool-aid because it was the only kool-aid delivered to our homes once a week and we were ignorant. at no point did it seem like an actual trans guy had been consulted on anything they did. (and! considering it was a show about women, why didn’t they ever have a trans female character, yannow?)
and so a part of me is cringing and panicking that the same thing is happening here, and that there will be gay guys who will drink Glee’s kool-aid, and that it will only get worse from here (like it did with max), and similarly, they’ll never get called out on it in a serious way. which is just to say that i don’t think you’re being paranoid at all.
I wonder if it doesn’t help that Unique is played by a gay man? He made add on to it.
I was waiting for this recap as soon as I found out Unique was the catfish and I’m really curious to see what some of the lovely/articulate trans* autostraddlers have to say about this.
I know I should stop giving a shit about continuity because uhh http://glee.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_Things_With_Little/No_Continuity
but I just feel like this whole trope is not only super problematic, but doesn’t even make sense for her character. Like Riese mentioned why would she intentionally misgender herself and be crushing on a boy who bullies and misgenders her all the time and is ALSO THE WORST. Ryder has the personality of partially cooked spaghetti. Plus Unique has always seemed to be pretty confident and I just feel like she knows she deserves better than him? Maybe her confidence is overcompensating/covering up insecurity, but this shows writers cannot handle the complexity of this storyline, and like, why can’t we have some self-confident body positive fat loving trans woman of colour realness on our teeeeveeees. Is that too much to ask for!?
But also this does kinda further reveal Ryder as a huge jerk so maybe he will learn a lesson? I don’t really want them to end up together though because Unique IS beautiful/sexy/amazing and she deserves someone who wants to be with her and knows that, not wants to be with her despite of that. I’m also tired of the queer and trans people on this show being used as Very Special Lessons so the cishet white dudes can EVOLVE. Nope nope nope.
I just feel like her being the one trans feminine character on the teevee PLUS her being a woman of colour has so much potential and so much responsibility and glee isn’t living up to either, ya know?
Do not fondue a person. It will burn.
You really nailed all the reasons this storyline/characterization sucks. I always thought the two main trans woman characters on Nip/Tuck fell perfectly into that deceptive/pathetic charicature dichotomy. Unique actually kind of embodies both sides now. She was painted as confident at first (I guess in kind of a superficial, drag-queeny way), but she rarely speaks up when characters who misgender her or demean her, she even gratefully accepts their friendship. Not that other characters stand up for her much either which also sucks.
Anyone remember the episode of Popular where their teacher transitioned? Very condescending and afterschool-specially. Yet probably pretty groundbreaking for a teen show in the 90s. It’s frustrating that one of the few creators with power willing to create (multiple) trans characters does so in such a problematic way. RM (and any other writers responsible for these depictions) clearly believe they are doing so with sensitivity… and it must mean a lot for some young trans and questioning girls out there to see this *relatively* decent representation, but at what point does a representation start doing more harm than good? Maybe we’re there right now with Unique…
It’s funny that you mentioned hamburgerology, Riese, because my dad proudly displays his PhD (Pampered Hamburger Degree) from Lawry’s in the kitchen. His big brother got a PhD in something tougher but much less delicious—physics—and the die-cut, gold-foil seal makes it clear that they are equals.
YES! the only reason i even know about it is because my mother had the same phD hanging in her office! she was a mcdonalds manager in chicago for some years, including while she was pregnant with me. HAMBURGEROLOGY FOREVER
It’s gotten to the point where I can watch the four minutes of Santana and consider it a decent episode.
Jan is pretty much the reincarnation of Ninny Threadgoode and therefore she is the best thing. I could not stop watching because hello, Jessica Tandy come back from the dead as another cute old lady lesbian! And then she proposed…oh my goodness fucking gracious.
Fast forward thru episode – watch greys – wait for recap.
But you guuuuys! Did anyone watch the last episode of greys anatomy? No spoiler alerts butbutbut WHAT a disappointment.. I mean hot… but no.. but really hot.. but nonoNO.
Ok, maybe pointless coment but im happy i was not the only one that notice Brittany fixing her dress and Santana throwing her hands in the air (as she did it when goin with Quinn to the hotel room) as she walked to the “wedding”
Riese!
You hit the nail on the head on the Unique-Ryder-catfish storyline! I hated that storyline. Also that was the lamest story ever. And so predictable. And boring.
Also, this
“That she and Landry killed that guy who attacked Tara? That Dawn is the key?” — I laughed so hard. I actually enjoyed your recap more than the season finale.
I tried to watch it but I just…I just couldn’t. It was just too painful to watch. :-( Except for Santana and her abs. And her scenes with Brittany.
You continue to have the most kickass recaps ever. Thanks for being the voice of reason throughout this season of crapfest Glee.
Thanks and see you next season.
Or not. ahaha!
Cheers!
Hold on, how can you experience “internalized homophobia” if you’re cisgender?
A person only needs to be gay to experience internalized homophobia, and only needs to be trans* to experience internalized transphobia. The two are deeply related and often exist side by side, but can also exist independently of each other. For example, I(a gay trans woman) have experienced an enormous amount internalized transphobia but almost no internalized homophobia.
It’s a common misconception that trans people only transition because they have so much internalized homophobia that they would rather be straight women/men then gay men/women. It’s a misconception that I suspect the writers of glee may have bought into.
I’ve realized from reading these recaps you (Riese) and the AS readers aer all for Brittana, but I’ve personally never liked the pairing, and I feel like the only one.
In fact for a while I hated the pairing. Not necessarily because of Santana and Brittany *themselves,* individually as characters, (although Brittany’s storylines do just annoy me now because they’re so impossible), but I hated the pairing because of the way their relationship has always been portrayed.
Idk I guess some people can get past the problematic stuff enough to see the good in it, but with this, I just haven’t been able to. (Maybe it’s too personal for me to weigh in on, or maybe I’m right about something, I don’t know)
I’ve always been really, really disappointed by their relationship because of how carelessly it’s been dealt with. Even at the tail end of season 2, when the Brittana scenes were the strongest (i.e. the whole “I love you” spiel), I had a big issue with the fact that Brittany seemed to be trying to force Santana out of the closet before she was ready. She didn’t seem to understand the very real reasons Santana didn’t want to come out. She seemed to just get irritated every time Santana would get scared, and it came off as unfeeling and careless to me (in pretty stark contrast with how much Brittany says she cares about Santana).
The Born This Way episode comes to mind specifically…the episode where Brittany made Santana the “Lebanese” shirt and then got offended when Santana (obviously) didn’t want to wear it. While I understand *why* Brittany would be upset, it wasn’t *right* for her to be, and I think that should’ve been addressed. I think that later on, Brittany should have apologized for trying to make Santana feel bad for not do something she clearly wasn’t comfortable doing. (There was’t a scene where an apology happened, right? I could be drawing a blank).
To me, this was kind of an attempt to out Santana. That most likely wasn’t Brittany’s intention, but still, Brittany should’ve tried to understand Santana’s POV instead of trying to force *her* POV on her partner. Guilt tripping somebody because they’re not out yet, or because they’re not as comfortable with their sexuality as you are, is never the way to go in my book. Everyone has to come to terms with it on their own timeline, and accepting your loved one’s right time is key to truly being there for them.
Brittany didn’t do that. At least not at first, and at least not initially, when it was probably most important for her to.
Also as far as outing goes, Brittany outed Santana another two times without it being properly addressed–on Fondue For Two (on accident, but still, the rest of the school got the message that Brittany didn’t mean to send), and in season one on a group phone call with Merceds, Artie, and Tina (also an accident, but again–never addressed). Santana’s face during the group phone call threw me off (and resonated with me) the first time I saw it…she was obviously really upset by Brittany mentioning something about their sex life, but Brittany didn’t even have to own up to doing that or take responsibility for it, and it was just never *taken seriously.* In fact the entire moment was used for comedy purposes, and that bugged me.
From all of those scenes on, I saw a pretty weighty communication problem starting to form between them, and to me that miscommunication has continued ever since. They’re never quite on the same page; they get close here and there, but they’re never quite on the dot. Santana is way more serious about the relationship than Brittany is, and even when Brittany does start to get a little serious, I think she still somewhat misses the points Santana is trying to make to her. Jane Lynch said it best, while season 3 was still airing – “”Well I don’t think Brittany’s in it. I don’t think Brittany’s in love with Santana. I think Santana needs a girlfriend. Brittany loves her, but she’s not her girlfriend.”
I feel like Ryan Murphy and the powers that be have never allowed Brittany to seriously address her relationship, or her bisexuality, or anything she’s ever done, and I’m sad for the development of her character. I think they make Brittany come off as so obtuse that she really does just think that she and Santana are still just “best friends who have lady sex,” and not “girlfriends” or anything else more intimate. To me the two of them still haven’t had that (on screen, at least) moment where they sat down, heart to heart, very seriously, and said, “Look, what are we?” And I think that with how emotionally invested Santana has always been, Brittany owes her that conversation. Brittany doesn’t ever *think* about what she’s doing. They always write her decision making processes so simply and so rushed, especially now…she just has no depth to me in canon. I’ve always felt like that “What are we?” moment has been missing from their story line, and without it, I just canNOT get into the pairing or take it seriously at all.
Whenever I see them together romantically, it just makes me sad for Santana because I see it as her being in a relationship with someone who can’t properly communicate with her. As best friends they seemed to understand each other very well, and I do really like their moments of friendship…but as lovers, they’re off beat. I don’t think they do well at all in a romantic or sexual relationship together.
The two of them are cute together at times, yes, but like I said, I can’t get past what is, in my opinion, a really problematic element to their relationship: Brittany doesn’t understand Santana as a lover. Maybe I missed a scene or missed a “moment” or something and that’s why everyone else ships Brittana way harder than I do, but as much as I love(d) this show and wanted to love its token lesbian relationship, all of the stuff I just listed wouldn’t allow me to.
Sorry this was so long (lol), I just wanted to leave it here for Riese or anybody to weigh in on it if they want to?
Like I said, I really wish I could get on board with Brittana, since apparently it’s going to continue on at this point, and I wish that I could’ve gotten on board back when I used to actually watch this show…but I just can’t.
So, I found this on tumblr, and it literally made me sick:
http://gleeksandtheirconfessions.tumblr.com/post/51056543256/unique-is-not-a-girl-i-dont-care-what-he-wants
I think so many things contribute to this complete transphobic bullshit, but if Glee was going to introduce a transgender character, they really need to explain at least transgender 101 way better than they have. WAY better. Because this is just disgusting.