The next day at school, Ryder is still pissed about the whole Katiefishing situation. He and Katiefish decide to meet later. You can really tell their texting conversation was written by someone who has never met a teenager. Not  just because of their language, but because Ryder seems to own a BlackBerry.

SHOULD HAVE BEEN A NEXUS

Elsewhere, we’re treated to this thing again.

SERIOUSLY KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF MY HEART CAN’T EVEN TAKE IT

This time we enter the Young Astronomer’s Club meeting. Brittany’s oscillating intelligence is once again explored without explanation. Hilariously the Young Astronomer’s Club has more members than the New Directions. If only we were watching a show about them entitled Astro.

I’M INCREASINGLY CURIOUS WHAT THE CHEERIO’S UNIFORMS LOOK LIKE WITH THE HOOD ZIPPED UP, YOU KNOW?

She announces that the astroid/meteor/comet/cheeseball is actually just a ladybug. Hooray we’re all saved! She also disbands the Young Astronomer’s Club which I feel weirdly sad about, despite the fact that we’ve never been introduced to the club prior to this episode.

…AND THAT’S HOW WITH ONLY GLITTER PAPER, A PRINGLE’S CAN, AN ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH AND A LITTLE IMAGINATION I MADE MY FIRST VIBRATOR. ANY QUESTIONS?

Becky hangs around after class to talk about feelings and stuff. She’s worried about what her life will be like after she leaves McKinley, and tells Brittany they should make a pact to never graduate together. Brittany tells Becky that if she really prepares herself the world won’t seem like such a scary place. This is actually really good advice and the reason why you should all go out and get a Roth IRA retirement savings account. This could have been a really interesting plot line for Becky, had they continued to develop it over the remainder of the season. Unfortunately, as I discussed immediately following the episode, Glee airballs it.

BRITTANY, THIS IS AN INTERVENTION. IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO MOVE ON FROM SAM AND GET TOGETHER WITH THAT HOT VIOLINIST.

Starsweep to the choir room where the Glee kids, Will and Coach Beiste hold a “The World Isn’t Ending” Glee Club session. Just as Will says, “Let’s get started,” a gunshot goes off. Then another.

Most of the Gleesters were in the choir room, but Brittany, Tina, Sugar and Teen Jesus were suspiciously absent. Will flicks off the light and tells the kids to hide, Blaine pushes the piano in front of the door and the kids all scatter and crouch on the floor terrified. The kids cry in the dark and a few sort of make amends with each other and video tape themselves for their parents. It’s heart wrenching and that’s about where I started losing my shit and crying. Don’t worry, Glee even took the time to have Sam try to play hero trying to save Brittany and having to be restrained by Mr. Schue and Coach Beiste.

After a few chaotic minutes, they show Brittany hiding alone in a bathroom. Honestly, I thought Heather Morris gave one of her best performances in Glee history.

A bit later we see Tina outside the school panicking and crying, which I thought was a nice touch in terms of representing how scared and helpless people on the outside of the school might feel.

The scene goes on for about 11 minutes which is a lot for a show that can’t seem to focus on one character for more than 45 seconds. Everyone is okay. Obviously I cried a whole bunch. The whole thing was pretty emotionally manipulative and intense, though this was deflated later for a lot of reasons. I’m not going to get into this too much because I already had a lot of feelings about Glee missing the mark on gun violence..

I’m really trying not to make jokes here, because this is a serious issue, but why does no one asks where Sugar or Teen Jesus are? Also, why it would be safer for Artie to be out of his wheelchair and therefore less able to evacuate swiftly if needed?

We come back to McKinley an ambiguous number of days later where there are now metal detectors and cameras. Cameras probably should have/would have been there in the first place. Either way the teacher mull around the teachers lounge worrying about which student brought the gun. I guess no one was shot and no guns were recovered. No one even seems to really know what happened. I feel like a high school probably wouldn’t reopen without that sort of information, but okay.

AM I ALLOWED TO GO BACK TO MAKING JOKES YET?

Sue announces that it was actually her gun that went off. She walks directly to Figgin’s office and tells him the gun she keeps at school went off while she was safety checking it and then again when she dropped it on the floor. This reasoning makes absolutely no sense since the two shots took place minutes apart, but oh well. There’s also some stuff in here about feeling safer with a gun from parents who might feel safer with a gun? I think it was a message about not being reactionary about carrying guns and the importance of gun control, but it was a bit muddled. Sue also monologues about how she’d had such an amazing career, but all she’ll be remember for is bringing a gun into a high school. At the time I was kind of like WTF is Glee trying to make us feel bad about this for?

TWO FINGERS. THREE IF THEY ASK FOR IT.

It’s because later, when Will confronts Sue about bringing a gun, the big plot twist is revealed. Will claims it just doesn’t seem like her. Sue flashesback to the previous day where Becky sits in her room. It’s explained that Becky was scared and brought a gun to school which accidentally went off twice. Again, feelings feelings feelings feelings.

While all this is going on, Blaine and Tina have a friendship moment. Aww.

I JUST WANT TO WEAR MY HAIR LIKE RACHEL BERRY WITHOUT EVERYONE REFERRING TO US AS BERTINA!

In the library, Will breaks every single high school computer rule and shows Beiste her new online dating profile her made for her.

THE WEBSITE IS CALLED “AUTOSTRADDLE.” I’M NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS BUT IT’S AWESOME.

SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH OH GAY CUPID.

For heaven sake a middle aged woman knows how to create an online dating profile if she wants one. This is some patronizing mansplaining bullshit. Then, of course, Ken Tanaka immediately contacts her because, according the Glee logic, the only person who would love a gym teacher would be another gym teacher. And there’s only two in the country.

PHOTOGRAPHER: SO I WANT YOU TO PRETEND TO BE A LION. BUT NOT AN ANGRY LION, A DISAPPOINTED AND SLIGHTLY TIRED LION.

In the hallway, Sam brings Brittany a second kitten, thus solving whatever relationship problem I guess they were supposed to be having. It’s pretty gay but I don’t want to announce Sam and Brittany as a totally lesbian couple because I don’t really want Sam on our team. Also someone explain to me why he brought a cat to school when they hang out together after school all the time?

THIS SHIT IS SO LESBIAN.

Also, Ghost Ryder is still pissed that someone is Katiefishing him. Oh did I mention he tried to call Katiefish during the shooting scare and someone in the choir room’s phone went off? Because yeah that happened. But also Ryder said it couldn’t be Unique’s phone “because her ringtone is Bootylicious.” Why did any of them even have their cell phones on in class? Maybe it was Mr. Schue.

WE KNOW YOU STOLE BLAINE’S LIP BALM. NOW GIVE IT BACK.

PUCKER UP

Kitty: I didn’t catfish you. I’m not into guys who look like lifesize cartoon weiners. Now excuse me, because just thinking about you and me dating makes me drier than the cast of Hot in Cleveland.

At 3pm Ryder paces the halls in the sport where he’s supposed to meet Katiefish. She doesn’t show. Meanwhile, the other Gleesters sing Say, another song I’m no so crazy about, while cutting a required assembly that is for some reason not held in the auditorium. I do think the violinists in the background are hot though.

SPRING REALLY DOES HAVE THE WORST SERVICE

WHERE THE HELL IN THE SCHOOL IS THIS?

WE ARE TOTES GONNA BONE LATER

I’M NOT SAYING THAT VIOLINIST HAS AN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE HAIRCUT, I’M JUST SAYING SHE GOT IN DONE AT PHRESH CUTZ

Here’s the Original version:

Here’s the Glee version:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Evh6dlfL4_U&feature=youtu.be

Ryder joins the crew mid-song and I realize that I literally don’t care about any of these Glee club members anymore. I wonder what this episode would have been like if instead of feature gun violence in a school they’d chosen to show gun violence on campus at NYADADA. I can’t guarantee I would have felt differently, or that Glee wouldn’t have still found a way to fuck it up, but at least I would feel invested in Rachel, Kurt and Santana. Oh well! They didn’t even get reaction shots of the TV footage of the gun scare! If they had it would have looked like this:



See you next week when maybe we’ll all have fewer feelings (but probably not).

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