Welcome to the ninth recap of the sixth season of Glee, a show that teaches every adult how to give themselves a home dental exam with a pipe-cleaner and a pair of pliers. This week was especially thrilling in that, merely three episodes away from the series’ sure-to-be-stunning finale, Glee is finally getting around to developing the new characters they politely requested us to develop interest in several episodes back and then ignored until this very week!

I’m not 100% sure why they’re choosing to dwell on McKinley High when we could be having a Vacation Edition of Glee starring Santana and Brittany At The Beach. I must admit that I did not put the usual level of effort into this week’s recap, due to its startling lack of lesbianism or Old New Directions, but hopefully that’s okay and you’ll still laugh at least a few times.

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This week’s shenanigans are loosely centered upon Sue Sylvester, who’s been preparing for the draconian Presidential Fitness Test by subjecting her young charges to fat-shaming and various factoids about what is and isn’t hard.

Sue: “You think this is hard? Try consuming your own twin in utero, that’s hard! I’m not leaving here until at least three of you pass out or puke.”

She’s particularly concerned about Roderick, who is struggling to climb the rope. I’m having flashbacks to when I failed the Presidential Fitness Test due to my inability to excel beyond a negative 6 on the V-Sit. Meanwhile, Marla Hahn could basically fold her entire body into a V and fly away home for the winter. Life is hard, y’all.

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Spencer’s also concerned about Roderick’s “lead weight” identity. Unfortunately, he’s not concerned enough to actually do something about it, like help Roderick get into shape… until Roderick sits down next to Spencer’s Crush Object, The Poor Man’s Breckin Meyer, who has Alex Vega hair and is categorically uninterested in Spencer.

Breckin Meyer the IVth excuses himself from the awkwardness, and Roderick gives his eval of Spencer’s game:

Roderick: What was that? Were you just flirting with him? Was that you flirting?
Spencer: You wouldn’t understand. You’re not a player like me.
Roderick: Well, that was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. If you think that was romantic then you’re not a player, you’re kind of a creeper.

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Cut to the hallowed hallways, where Sue saunters along with Superintendent Ted Beneke, bragging about her drones in an attempt to snag the United States Principal Of The Year Award.

Unfortunetly, Beneke’s not prepared to sign off on the recommendation unless Sue does him a favor by helping his gay nephew prep for his Bar Mitzvah. So thus we meet Myron Muscovitz, who I will be referring to as Myron Manichewitz for the remainder of the season, because I want to. For all ye goys out there, Manichewitz is a young Jew’s first exposure to cheap wine, and it’s sure to put your tween to sleep after a particularly moving rendition of The Story of Passover.

The young Manichevitz plans to perform a musical number at his Bar Mitzvah and would like The Glee Club’s feedback on this situation:

http://youtu.be/BETcICG2zus

Kitty suggests his dancers smile more, so then he fires everybody.

Then Manichvitz tells Rachel, Will and Sue that he wants to hold his party in the April Rhodes Memorial Pavillon with the Glee Club as his opening act.

Rachel briefly protests, citing the Club’s need to prep for Sectionals, but then remembers, as per every previous season, that “prepping for Sectionals” really just means mentioning how many weeks away Sectionals is within the first ten minutes of every pre-Sectionals episode. So they’re already pretty prepared, is what I’m saying.

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Meanwhile, Mason’s got a throbbing in his heartspace for Jane, but his attempt to ask her on a romantic date to The Breadstix Garden is foiled by Madison, who reminds him that carbs are off limits and drags him away from this three-episode romantic possibility.

Forlorn, Mason brings his Glee Club bros into the locker-room for some shower talk.

Mason explains that their parents were too Stage Momish/Dadish to be actual Moms and Dads, and therefore Madison eagerly took on a motherly role towards Mason from day one and has been licking her fingers and smashing them into his eyebrows since pretty much forever. Therefore, Mason needs Roderick to ask Madison on a date so he can sneak away with Jane into the wardrobe and through the woods.

Speaking of dates, Spencer wants to become Roderick’s personal trainer and then wants Roderick to secure him a date with Allister Breckin Meyer IIIVXI.

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In the Teacher’s Lounge, William wants to brainstorm songs for the Bar Mitzvah but Rachel’s not much help ’cause she barely knows these kids. Obviously she spends most of her teaching hours fantasizing about shower sex with Quinn Fabray.

William says this monumental Jewish ceremony is the perfect chance to challenge and unite the children of Glee, but the children of Glee disagree:

Fake Quinn: So, you want us to sing at a spoiled little rich kid’s birthday party?
Rachel: It’s a Bar Mitzvah. Have you guys had any Jewish life experiences? This is a sacred honor.

It’s true. Just ask my brother who spent the entirety of his Bar Mitzvah money on a massage chair. Sitting on that beast was a sacred honor.

William: The clock is ticking. Sectionals is in two weeks, guys. don’t underestimate this challenge. There is no tougher audience then —
Fake Quinn: JEWS!
William: Tweens. Vicious, pubescent teens with zero tolerance for a bad act.

The children are commanded to team up, and Mason practically leaps from his seat to ask Jane to be his Gal Pal, but his sister wife interjects his trajectory.

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Well folks, it didn’t take long for Sue Sylvester to become Myron Manichewitz’s personal slave. She administers his Vitamin B IV drips every morning and stays up all night every night reading his Torah portion out loud in hopes that he’ll absorb via osmosis.

Sue: He says ‘my espresso’ as if every bean was cultivated specifically for him.

That’s how I feel about my Nespresso.

The only way Sue can end her misery, she insists, is to get Rachel, William, Sam and Sheldon on board as background dancers for the big 1-3. Sheldon hesitates due to his inability to dance, but Sue needs somebody do dance worse than her, so.

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Mason has successfully ditched his stalker sister wife long enough to re-ask Jane to Breadstix and to be his partner for the big Bar Mitzvah Spectacular Spectacular.

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Over in the gymnasium, Spencer’s yelling at Roderick in hopes that with enough bullying, he’ll figure out how to climb up a rope. Maybe he has sensitive hand skin! You never know these days.

Spencer has some Real Talk for his not friend:

Spencer: Sometimes this stuff is ugly. When the guys on the football team work out, it gets messy and it hurts!
Roderick: I’m not on the football team.
Spencer: You know what you are absolutely right, because you’re too fat and you’re too lazy!
Roderick: You know, this is why my friend doesn’t wanna go out with you. Nobody wants to get close to you because you’re a dick.

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Cut to the cafeteria where Mason’s trying to interrupt everybody’s pursuit of tater tots and creamed corn in favor of his own little problems.

For example, his sister refuses to switch duet partners or let Mason go on a date with Jane, but when he stands his ground and won’t break down, she yells at him about gummy bears so loud that Jane is scared out of ever helping herself to a bite of his Chicken Con Broccoli. Obviously, Jane doesn’t want a repeat of that time my ex-boyfriend started dating a girl who was still married and her husband killed her cat.

Meanwhile, Spencer is still pining over The Poor Man’s Breckin Meyer, so much so that he finds himself bursting spontaneously into song. “Friday I’m In Love,” to be specific, the only song in this week’s episode that doesn’t make me want to climb a rope right on out of dodge.

http://youtu.be/SeLBDWef25c

Spencer wants to touch Breckin Allister McCloud’s soft hair and for Breckin to rub his hands on Spencer’s man-meat. That’s all.

Then everybody in Glee gets into a fight because Spencer says Roderick is a quitter and Roderick says Spencer is a dick and I say WHERE ARE THE LESBIANS.

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At last it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: The Bar Mitzvah of Myron Manichewitz. How long have you been waiting for this moment? Okay, I’ll go first: pretty much since Ellen came out.

Myron’s got his glitter suit on as he introduces the first song, “I Want To Break Free,” starring Mason as a Leather Daddy.

http://youtu.be/vXiy3zt9Hn4

The girls in the crowd GO WILD! He makes sexy eyes at Jane in the wings while Madison freaks out like she just realized she had two tampons in.

Then Madison finds Mason backstage and says his performance was moving and that it reminded her of how gifted he is and how crazy she’s become. OH WOMEN THEY SO CRAZZZAYYY

Madison: I’m not gonna lie — I was terrified and jealous when I found out you had an interest in Jane because I couldn’t stand the fact that I’m not the only lady in your life anymore. The truth is I’m actually kind of relieved. You don’t need me anymore. Though maybe you never did.
Mason: No, I’ll always need you, Madison. I just need a little more room for some other people so you’re not the only person in my life.
Madison: I’m just so used to taking care of you and looking after you and it’s not really because I wanted to, but because I felt like I had to.
Mason: You know I’m a better person because of you.
Madison: Well I’m a better person because of you.

Well, that was resolved quickly! Also, Madison thinks Jane is a stage hog.

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EMERGENCY SOMEONE CALL THE GYNO! Myron’s trapped in his stage pod! We can’t get him out ’cause the rope holding the pod is jammed!

Who will climb the rope and fix the jam! Well, Spencer knows: RODERICK! Only Roderick can climb the rope and fix the jam! Roderick doesn’t think he can do it but Spencer KNOWS HE CAN!

RODERICK SUCEEDS! HE IS THE KING OF THE JUNGLE!

Spencer: In emergencies, even babies can lift cars.

Myron emerges from his nest, notices Santana and Brittany aren’t back yet, and “poops himself.” Sue sends the New Directions onstage to distract the people with “Uptown Funk” while she gets Myron into a fresh pair of On Gossamers.

http://youtu.be/ZBEd_kLqByk

It’s a cheerful ensemble number that really makes me wish we’d had these three kids for the past two seasons instead of Marley and those boys. They’ve got star power, these weirdos!

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Sue’s exhausted and losing patience. She doesn’t even wanna perform anymore! But William refuses to let her bow out ’cause she made them do it so she has to do it. Those are the rules of feminism.

Sue: I don’t care about heel steps or point turns or old timey sayings found on Grandma’s sweatshirts and why are you even still here? You don’t even work at this school.
William: You asked me to help!

Sue’s furious at William for believing in lost causes. But William says that Sue’s only yelling at him because she can’t yell at her true nemesis, Ted Beneke, ’cause she’s secretly still crushing on his tax-evading ass. Sue reacts like all adults do in situations like this: she tackles him like a wild animal.

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Elsewhere in this school, Stoner Trent’s jamming out on his uke to some hot tunes when Spencer shows up to be a bad flirt. Apparently Trent caught the big performance as recommended by his BFF Roderick, who’s put in a good word for Spencer. This is because Roderick is a better person than Spencer.

Poor Man’s Breckin Meyer: I wanted a chance to say sorry for ignoring you. Maybe I didn’t get the best first impression of you. Roderick told me about how you stood pf for him and you always had his back, well that was really cool of you, Spencer. I got a feeling that underneath all that macho snark, you’re a pretty sweet guy on the inside. Plus on the outside you’re smoking hot. I mean like, I’m not blind. You’re ridiculously hot.

Then Spencer convinces him to join Glee Club and they kiss. TA-DA!

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It’s time for the big performance of “Break Free” by Ariana Grande! Myron descends in his pod! Everybody is wearing Hannukkah Colors!

http://youtu.be/VAnEk58wFcA

How glorious!

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Guess what? Spencer made Roderick a better man! Roderick has stopped eating junk and has started working out. He’d even like to consume a protein supplement, but Spencer suggests he forego the supplements in favor of an organic chicken. Plus, Spencer’s super-jazzed for his date with a beanie.

Spencer: Yeah, Allister and I are finally going out. He’s amazing. He’s the first guy I ever met who actually makes me nervous. I really like him, I hope I don’t screw it up.
Roderick: Yeah, I hope you don’t either.

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Myron would like to join the Glee Club at McKinley even though he’s only 13. Because his Uncle is the boss, he can do whatever he wants. I hope he gets himself a nice massage chair.

William: Wait so what you’re saying is the Glee Club just got a brand-new highly talented singer and dancer who happens to be a member of the superintendent’s family? Wow, Sue, that has got to burn.
Sue: It is my Dunkirk, William. But it is just the first battle of the Great War to End All Wars.

Sue reminds William that she doesn’t retreat, she reloads. Indeed, Sue’s furious that the Glee Club still exists despite her efforts to eradicate it.

Sue returns to her Storage Locker to plot her final act of destruction.

Sue: I will spend the last few weeks of my professional life fulfilling what I now know is my destiny. This may kill me in the end, I may not survive one last charge, but I swear to you, oh pretend people I am speaking to in my head and are very impressed with me, I will be the last man standing. As the great Khan once said to captain James T. Kirk, “From hell’s heart I stab at thee, William.” They can bury me in this hurt locker if they want to but you and your entire Glee Club are going to be buried in here with me.

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Myron says junior high is small potatoes and he gives Fake Quinn some money for lending him her panties.

Then he tries to touch her butt. I think this is so we all know that he’s not actually gay even though I called him Ted Beneke’s Gay Nephew mere minutes earlier.

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Rachel says their luck has changed and now they’ve almost got enough students to compete at Sectionals. William says some stuff about how Rachel is growing into a wonderful and intelligent young woman or whatever and then I lay some bricks and roll around on a mini-golf course and hang some paintings and catch some fish and then return to the television for more entertainment.

Time for the last scene musical number, “Cool Kids.” With the exception of “Friday I’m In Love,” this episode’s soundtrack theme seems to be “songs Riese always hears on the radio and hates ’cause they always get stuck in her head.”   Don’t believe me? Just watch!

http://youtu.be/Iq8VY84sYsM

Here’s what I don’t get about this song: of course the Cool Kids “seem to fit in,” that’s why they’re Cool Kids. So signing “I wish that I could be like the cool kids because all the cool kids they seem to fit in” is like singing “I wish that I could eat healthy food because all the healthy food seems like it’s healthy.” You know? These are the things that keep me up at night.

My notes for this scene read “William and Rachel are touched in their hearts because everybody is wearing matching green t-shirts.” THERE YOU HAVE IT.

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