Hello and welcome to the second recap of the sixth season of everybody’s favorite claymation movie-musical high-stakes gameshow horror thriller show, Glee. I hope you enjoyed Heather Hogan’s recap of Episode 601! Heather, I hope you also enjoyed Episode 601. I hope you enjoyed having “Let It Go” in your half of the recap. I got a little nervous near the end that there was gonna be a little bit of “Let It Go” in my half, and then I realized that 601 and 602 were totally different episodes, not just one monster episode! I still haven’t seen Frozen, is the thing.

It looks like Glee is getting back on track towards something chewable or at least digestible. I wouldn’t ask for seconds (or for another season), but it’s fine enough, it’ll do for lunch today and maybe lunch tomorrow. The McKinley Glee Club alums are back and they are like macaroni and cheese in that it’s not necessarily good for you but it’s pretty hard for even an amateur chef to fuck up. (It’s not impossible, however.) They’re back and that’s delightful and unimpeachable, and their return served to wipe our collective memory of when they were here every week but the show sucked anyway. LET’S BEGIN!

We open in the hallowed halls of Dalton Academy For Dudes, where Gay Blaine is sporting plaid-on-plaid and monologuing about how the identically-adorned ripe young homos of Dapper Dalton Happy Hour High breathed life into his bummed-out bones by embracing him as their musical leader shortly after Blaine’s devastating breakup with Kurt “Let’s Have a Kiki” Hummel.

I’M READY FOR MY BLOW JOB, BOYS!

After briefly experimenting with Natural Hair and Naked Necks, Blaine recalls how the never-changing familiarity of Dalton is what finally re-infused his life with buckets of joy. Yet no sooner has he noted his affection for patriarchal monotony when a pretty girl shows up to threaten all of that, forever. Meet Jane:

I tailored this dashing bit of menswear all by myself, thanks Autostraddle!

I’m gonna tell you a little bit about the actors we’re meeting for the first time this season because I like knowing this stuff and maybe you do, too! So, Jane is played by Samantha Marie Ware. Here’s Samantha’s twitter and her instagram. Ware had only been acting for two years and was appearing in the Las Vegas production of “The Lion King” when she landed a spot as Nabulungi in “The Book of Mormon”‘s first National tour, which put her on the Broadway radar from which Glee seems to have snatched most of its newbies this season.

HI SAMANTHA!

So, back to the show: Jane’s smart ‘n savvy parents extracted her from her low-ranking arts-lacking Ohio school and got her into Dalton, and now she’d like to join the Warblers. This horrifies Blaine ’cause his Sectional Regional National Worldwide Quarterly Semifinals Plan was, basically, Naked Boys Singing.

We then change into some light joggers and take a quick sprint over to McKinley High School For Wayward Homos, where Rachel’s prancing about the hallways announcing the return of Glee Club while Master Sue Syvlester informs the proletariat that it’s homecoming week.

Until they became conscious they will never rebel, and until after they have rebelled they cannot become conscious.

Alas, Rachel’s forlorn to see that only rectum-related jokes have signed up to audition for her club. Then Becky hurls a slushie at her face.

I’m never having period sex again!

Later that fine day, I think, the Prodigal Sundresses have gathered at Mr. Schuster’s Den of Dinner Delights for Rachel to discuss the refreshingly cold feeling of corn syrup on her skin and getting back to her roots as a loser.

Who put a whoopie cushion on this chair. Tell me now or nobody gets dessert.

Schuster wants to make some Show Choir Competition ground rules, like that they can’t steal each other’s set lists or hire the same cheer coach, but then Blaine shows up and wants advice on what to do about the Estrogen Party trying to edge her way into his Testosterone Team. They suggest that Blaine lets her on to the Warblers. Seriously though: it doesn’t actually make sense that a girl would get in to an all-boys school, but considering that that has already happened, why would she be barred from said school’s extracurricular activities?

It’s fine, nobody will know that I peed in the chair, it’ll be dry by the end of dinner anyhow, everything will be totally fine

We then remove our clothing, squeeze our torsos into second-hand binders and compression bras, slip into some slacks, slide on some shiny shoes and shimmy on over to Dalton Academy for Dolts Who Don’t Realize Girls Are Better Than Boys. “What’s next, cat and dog Warblers?” asks an outraged Warbler, regarding letting Jane onto the team. Ah yes, ye olde slippery slope.

Okay, fine, I’ll go first: I have been personally victimized by Regina George.

Unfortunately nobody’s asking the most important question of all: “What’s next, THE MINI-WARBLER?” to which I’d hope somebody would reply, “OBVIOUSLY.” The Gay Warblers are divided and cannot stand:

Gay Warbler: “We can’t have a girl Warbler! Imagine the sexual tension. We’d never get anything done.”
Gay Blaine: “But uh, aren’t most of you guys gay?”
Gay Warbler: “How dare you?!”
Gay Warbler #2: I have a girlfriend!
Gay Warbler #3: We all have girlfriends!
Gay Blaine: Really?
Gay Warblers #3-30: Really!

Blaine suggests they aim for the right side of history and let the girl in. Alas, the boys are still hung up on furry mammals/rodents possibly joining the Warblers which, let’s be real, wouldn’t be the worst idea ever.

Alvin…Alvin?…ALVIN!!!

The Head Warbler points out that Jane might suck. So, why not just let her sing first to see if they can reject her on a talent basis without having to change any of their weird laws.

Ugh why does this guy who looks like Kurt always sit next to me, he smells like Doritos

Cut to The Becky Jackson Celebration Computer Lab, where Rachel and Kurt are sparring over how to organize sheet music and if “co-chair” is the right label for Kurt’s involvement in this symphonious disaster.

Really? You think THIS shirt/scarf combo is truly the actual worst shirt/scarf combo I’ve ever worn on this show? Looks like somebody’s not keeping up on the archives!

Regardless, nobody wants to join their stinkin’ club.

Kurt: McKinley has changed. Sue has got these kids thinking that the arts don’t even exist. We have got to tell them that Glee still exists.

Before Kurt and his t-shirt venture into the hallways to remind the children that this show is still on, Rachel hears a voice drifting through the speakers, like when Moses saw the burning bush, and she chases this disembodied talent into the boys locker room…

ACH! Such trackpants! My eyeholes!

…but once there, she cannot find the man behind the music. It’s basically like this:

Now those clunkers will have to rely on body language LOLOLOL HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

A short-ish period of time later, Kurt’s apologizing for something and Rachel’s grinning ’cause she realized Kurt was right, that the children of McKinley are READY to FEEL THE MUSIC, they just need to be bullied into joining! But how will we show the light to these new naive children, Rachel Berry? WELL, WE’LL BRING THE OLD GANG BACK!?!!!

Bitch I might take your solo though

Bitch where’s my paycheck

Bitch where my bae goes, I go

Bitch I got this shirt for 60% off ’cause I’m a Maxxonista

The Old Gang kinda accidentally left Tina to park the rental car and then forgot she existed, though. But don’t worry she found her way to The April Rhodes Memorial Pavillion:

Bitch why don’t these bitches ever learn

Kurt and Rachel are PUMPED!

LOOK IT’S MY BITCHES OMG

Snapback to the Glee Room, where Kurt and Rachel are reminding the children that Glee Club changed all their lives forever and ever and even. Also, although Rachel KNOWS THEY HAVE LIVES OR WHATEVER, it’d be real cool if they could refrain from informing us what those lives consist of and stick around for like ten or so more episodes, ’cause otherwise they’ll lose Glee Club, and Glee Club’s the best club to have ever clubbed. It’s where everybody found their true selves!

Now I didn’t wanna spoil the surprise, but this piano folds out into a multi-partner sex wedge!

Kurt says they’ve gotta give McKinley “a little taste of what they’ve been missing” by re-claiming the hallway as a safe space for impromptu musical performances.

Using the device of Artie’s storyboarding assignment as a gateway to the sketches-come-to-life effect employed by the 1985 music video for A-ha’s “Take On Me,” we then segue into a classically hokey Glee ensemble number that delivers all we’ve come to expect from such things and more.

http://youtu.be/Cp3_ZZ7B26o

Here’s the original:

It’s a slap-bracelet-style symphony about wanting to turn that love you picture into the love you get, and in this case, the love they’re picturing is a new, ripe crop of young talents eager for their moment on the cafeteria table.

It’s fun to play at the Y-M-C-A!

You wanna bump hips with cheerleaders? You want to rock out with your geek out? Join us, we’re the allegedly unpopular people singing the popular songs! Every day can be like a Gay-Straight Alliance Body Acceptance Club hosted at The Limited Too! Free lemonade for everybody!

Back in the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High School, we meet Roderick:

But what about the Neesha call…

Roderick is played by Noah Guthrie, who apparently got famous when his cover of “Sexy and I Know It” on YouTube went viral, landing him guest spots on Today and Dancing With The Stars. Of his invitation to audition for Glee, Guthrie recalls, “They were trying to cast the new season, and I guess they had seen some of my videos and heard my music, and they needed somebody who was kind of husky but also had a bluesy tone to their voice.”

HI NOAH!

Rachel Berry picks up on the scent of a dork from a mile away, and attempts to come between him and his headphones with sweet-talk about joining Glee. Puck tells Rachel she scared him off and should’ve just given him a hand job and called it a day. Just kidding the hand job was my idea. Anyhow, Roderick would rather die alone than join their stupid club, obviously.

Cut back to Warblerville, where Blaine’s telling Jane that The Warblers would like to see her audition before proceeding with the rule-changing conversation. Jane stands up for herself without resorting to irrational melodrama or rolling right over and letting the man walk through, like Glee heroines usually do. Jane’s just speaking the truth:

Jane: Let me get this straight. I have to go in there and perform for The Warblers just to make sure I’m good enough to warrant them taking a closer look at their already sexist and discriminatory admissions policies?

Seriously, you need me to explain to you why Iggy Azaelia is the worst

Blaine says that The Warblers have been around since The War of 1812 and change is hard so it’d be cool if she could swallow her pride and audition and to that end, he brings her to her new vocal coach: Rachel Barbara Berry!

I loved the way you touched yourself in “Spring Awakening” it changed my life

Jane: Why are you helping me?
Rachel: Oh, well, look, we might be mortal show choir enemies but I’m a woman before all that, and I figure you’re fighting this fight for all of us girls.

Yes, all of us girls desperate to attend all-boys schools! This is probably how Sarah Lawrence went co-ed.

You know, once Quinn brought me to orgasm from oral sex while I was lying on this very piano

Rachel notes that Jane’s been listening to a lot of Janelle Monae on that little phonepiece of hers and therefore should def do “Tightrope” for her big audition, and also should command the audience with her body language and make eye contact, etc.

Is seeing Lesbian Jesus for the first time

Meanwhile, Kurt’s infiltrated the boys locker room / weight lounge area / captain’s deck to Go Down On Guys For Glee I MEAN to convince Post-Modern Gay Football Player Spencer Porter to join Kurt Hummel’s Hall & Oates Appreciation Club For Male Lesbians.

Wait, really? Pittsburgh isn’t like that in real life?

But Spencer sees through Kurt’s Big Gay Plan.

Spencer: I know when you were in high school, being gay was how you primarily identified yourself, but that’s not my thing.
Kurt: Don’t you think it’s everyone else’s thing?
Spencer: When I told people I was gay, only two people had a problem with it. Coach Beiste kicked them off the team.
Kurt: Look, you’re naive if you don’t think you’re standing on our shoulders. Look, you owe Glee Club.
Spencer: Please, look, I owe Modern Family. Listen, when Coach Beiste kicked those guys off the football team, they cornered me by my car, got all up in my face. One of them ended the day wuth his jaw wired shut, and the other, I don’t think he ever stopped running. I can’t stand Gaga, I’ve never seen Newsies and I don’t write Archie fan fiction where Archie and Jughead are hot for each other. Just because you and I happen to be born in the 10% of the population who would choose Andrew Garfield over Emma Stone doesn’t mean we have anything else in common, so I’m not saying no to your Glee Club because it’s gay or straight, I’m saying no because it sucks. I’m sorry, man.

What’s next? You haven’t read any Klaine fanfic?

Firstly; that 10% number comes from the Kinsey Report, which used volunteer subjects in the ’50s and therefore was never considered an accurate sample size from which to draw conclusions about the entire population. So Post-Modern Gay is woefully uneducated in all areas of homosexual life, and, sadly, so are the writers of this show.

Is Spencer Porter:

A) A satiric look at how Gay Kids These Days have no clue how recently they would’ve been bullied out of their own skins and how hard older generations fought for their comfort

B) Glee patting itself on the back.

It’s hard to say.

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