Blaine takes Rachel to Dalton Academy so the New Warblers can bebop Ed Sheeran‘s “Sing” at her. They sound good. They always sound good. I’ve always been nuts about the Warblers’ style and if they were a group of dapper queer women, I would listen to/watch little else. Pitch Perfect 3: Wellesley College, for example. The only critique Rachel has is that Blaine is too old to be wearing one of those red and blue blazers, but I feel like Glee is going to be trotting out the Unholy Trinity in cheerleading uniforms until the end of time, so I’m not going to look that particular gift horse in the mouth.
Advice about Quinn? Everything I know about women could fit into this Gatorade cup, Rachel.
McKinley High football practice.
Sam: Hey, I am an assistant coach here now.
Rachel: Cool, cool. Do these sunglasses make me look as sexy as Tami Taylor?
Sam: No, sorry.
Spencer: Teammate, you are a homo! Get back on the field! Homo!
Rachel: Excuse me, sir, gay slurs are not welcome at this school! We spent three seasons eradicating that shit!
Spencer: I am kind of a — quote — “postmodern gay teen. You see, positive representations of gays in mass media has given me the confidence I need to be myself,” which is an ass.
Rachel: Wait, so you’re like Ryan Murphy’s self-referential mouthpiece commenting on the social impact of this show inside the show while explaining why he thinks minority-on-minority crime is a-okay and also hilarious.
Spencer: I should have known the Lesbian Blogger Community would react this way.
Riese has a far more generous reading of this fellow; probably she is correct — but heavens, he irked me.
No, I’ve never eaten a magic chicken and absorbed its powers. What the fuck does that even mean?
Rachel complains to Sam about how the only options for success at McKinley now are to be a star athlete or a star science student. There’s no room for the arts at all. Sam feels her, he really does, but he’s just a lowly Gatorade-maker now, getting hit in the head with empty plastic cups hurled by Postmodern Gay. (“What a sweetheart!”) He says Rachel should take it up with Sue, and so Rachel marches right into Principal Sylvester’s office — which is now guarded by and prisoner in an orange jumpsuit chained to one of those bowling balls like from the cartoons — and tells her she has to let McKinley have a glee club. She just has to! Sue goes, “You were the best the arts had to offer, and get a load of your life now. So no. Now get out of here before the convicted felon behind you stabs you with a shiv!” Not quite as intimidating as when Becky was Sue’s secretary, but Rachel’s scared enough to skedaddle.
Kurt is sitting in a cafe, waiting for a date to start, wearing monochrome polka dot jeggings, I kid you not, when he finds himself flashing back to the night he and Blaine broke up. The gist of it is: Blaine was late to dinner because he was rescuing kittens from a burning building or whatever Blaine thing, and he had a wedding planning errand to run. Kurt was doing that thing where he’d been having an argument in his head with Imaginary Blaine for like the last twenty minutes and when Actual Blaine walked in, he landed in the middle of the fight that was already happening. The fight was about how Kurt always arrives on time and Blaine never does, about how Blaine got mad when Kurt used a towel to wipe toothpaste off his mouth the other day, and about how they’re just kids and probably should not get married. You know, just the regular kind of squabbles every couple gets into when one person’s blood sugar drops too low.
“Lord Frey kills Robb and Catelyn and all the Stark bannermen. Littlefinger kills Joffrey. And Tyrion kills his dad. SO THERE.”
“I will never forgive you for this!”
Blaine: Are you kidding me right now? Are we seriously breaking up again?
Kurt: Stories need conflict, Blaine. Tension. Do you want to have a storyline on the final season of this show or not?
Blaine: There’s not another way to tell our story? The only way to do it is for us to break up and get back together, over and over?
Kurt: I suppose the show could add an asshole gay character—
Blaine: Santana is this show’s asshole gay character.
Kurt: I wasn’t finished, Blaine! God! Let me talk! An asshole gay character who lives inside this show and monologues self-congratulatory mastubatory commentary on what our presence inside this show means outside the show.
Blaine: That sounds awful; let’s just break up.
And so they do.
Kurt’s date arrives in the present day but Kurt is sobbing his beautiful eyeballs out, so he takes his polka dot jeggings and goes. I blame Spencer for this. (Spencer the Postmodern Gay, not Spencer Hastings. I do not blame Spencer Hastings for anything, ever.)
Merciful Jesus, he’s covering my ears so I don’t have to hear him anymore.
We have gone 2/3 of this episode without an appearance by Will Schuester, but our luck has run out. He is at home with his baby, twirling that kid around and around in one of those baby wheely chairs talking about — wait for it — himself. “I coach Vocal Adrenaline now,” he says. “They used to be coached by Rachel Berry’s mom who is a literal ice queen and the adopted mom of the little girl who could have been your half-ish sister if my first wife had been able to buy her from one of my students like she was originally planning to do. Whatever, though, little baby. Water under the bridge. Do you have any problems I could swoop in and fix in the most disempowering, insufferable way possible?” The baby does not and so Will sits right down on the floor and has an existential crisis, which continues the next day at Vocal Adrenaline practice when it becomes obvious that his students simply want him to teach them how to be awesome at show choir and not, you know, get personally involved in the most intimate details of their teenaged lives.
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You know HH you come up with some freaking awesome stuff on the regular, but I’ve got to say Rachel’s replacement lyrics are beyond. I hope you dropped the mic & walked out of the room when you finished.
I honestly think that they have wasted “let it go”.. not because of rachel voice (that is great) but in the context, they could have used it in a different situation where it would have fit better.
“Dean Pelton: We have offended literally every minority and special interest group on this planet, and since you’re the face of the thing, blame rests squarely on your beautiful shoulders.
Rachel: Is this some kind of thinly veiled meta commentary where I’m Ryan Murphy and you’re the internet?”
I think is a twisted way from Ryan Murphy to say “Sorry I crashed every single expectation you had on this show”
Let’s see how the rest of the episodes will be..
PS: great recap.. as always! :)
Aw see I wouldve gone with “Hang in there Quinn”. One syllable, ends in N. But such a catchy tune!
I did not quite find the right combo of keywords to find it, but there is a clip of Idina Menzel at a cabaret bitching about her time on Glee and it’s amazing.
I’m just going to google all of that because it sounds perfect
Did anyone find it??
No
No :'(
Actually, I’ve heard Postmodern Gay is supposed to be the New New Quinn Fabray, which I mean, he’s cute blonde and gay sooo…
“Building a nuclear reactor from some plans she found on the internet.” this is the actual start to my superhero glee fanfic I’m working on. Hogan get out of my brain!
Ooooh. Who are the heroes and what are their powers?
I only have a little bit written, and it might not be out until this summer. I was inspired by the songs Immortals from Big Hero 6 and Heroes (We Could Be) by Alesso.
Rachel is a siren because duh.
Quinn I’m thinking will have ice powers since she’s basically Elsa anyway (plus: slushies).
Santana – something with fire because of her rage.
Brittany’s has to be talking to animals.
Finn can put people to sleep by talking.
Kurt is like a chameleon (because he already has the perfect outfit to blend into every occasion).
Blaine has a gel-like force field.
Mercedes can like, move thing by rolling her eyes at it.
Artie has super strength (from pushing his wheelchair around).
Sam can throw and disguise his voice, or something.
Puck – the obvious choice for him would be super strength, but I’m going with noxious gas. I thought about a weaponized Mohawk, but nah.
Mike is super stretchy.
And Tina is the Invisible Woman :O
Mr. Schue doesn’t get powers and spends the whole time bitching about it/trying to control everyone else’s.
But if you wanna read a really good Glee superhero fic, I recommend Freaking Super by
But if you wanna read a really good Glee superhero fic, I recommend Freaking Super by LateInLifeTiburon. You’ll know it by the picture of the dolphin.
Heather, this is so amazingly perfect. Your paragraph about how there are no laws in Lima was exactly what I was thinking during this entire episode except you’re much funnier. Also spencer is the absolute worst and you described him perfectly. Thank you for this.
Thank you, Mey!
literally no one is going to comment on Sue’s use of the awful word ”transvestite” on this episode, though? it was so unnecessary, to say the least, and i am so surprised no one has been bothered by it.
Me while watching “OMG Dean Pelton! Honey there’s an Oscar winner on Glee”
Her “you’re watching Glee again? Remember when we liked that show?”
This recap is brilliant especially “You know, just the regular kind of squabbles every couple gets into when one person’s blood sugar drops too low.” because that’s totally me, guilty as charged. But I think this silliness was just typical Klaine. Blah lol
Mr. Schue is the worst
This recap is the best
It’s just the story of my life.
All I’ve ever wanted is to come home
and have everyone know my name,
and now they do,
but only because
I was involved
in the worst television show history.
The meta-commentary is cute and all, seducing and flattering us, but it’s ultimately just not that clever or self-aware, and it will quickly become tiresome. Much like Glee itself.
This episode was super boring and about halfway through I realized why – no Santana. I loved Lea’s rendition of “Uninvited” though, that girl can sing absolutely anything.