Welcome to the fourteenth episode of the fifth season of Glee, a gentle and tender mini-series about a Jewish beautician from Queens who becomes a nanny for the three children of a British Broadway director who looks a lot like Pierce Brosnon but isn’t. This heart-jerking and tear-warming tale is an allegory for the ages, weaving together instrumental plot elements including but not limited to Rainbow Brite, second cousins, severe psoriasis, apple juice, Sally Struthers, Athlete’s foot, coconut cream pie, churros, goat-milkers, cocoa butter, LSD and free makeovers.
This week on Glee, the writers decided to start all over with a slightly different kind of show! Also, apparently Santana and Brittany are on vacation and for some reason they decided against making this entire episode into a Tropical Vacation Episode featuring Brittany and Santana drinking margaritas out of coconuts and doing big beach numbers like in Gidget Goes Hawaiian and the most underrated movie-musical of all time From Justin to Kelly.
We open in New York, New York, home to the world’s best cinnamon sugar candied nuts, where it’s apparently been six months since we last checked in with these sociopaths. An old white-haired man named Sidney is delivering exposition to Rachel in the guise of conversation! Here’s what we learn: They opened Funny Girl out of town, and they had to re-stage the entire show, and then everybody went duck hunting and bought themselves new Reebok Pumps. Actually that last part I just made up.
Aw Sidney, “auditioning” all those “understudies” was truly my pleasure. It’s always fun to practice being toppy!
The moral of this story is that Rachel has been gifted with her very own 24/7 Town Car & Driver to take her “wherever, whenever” like the BIG star she is. “Where would Miss Berry like to go?” asks Sidney. FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK, SIDNEY!
Hello world Rachel Berry is here and is ready for her junior mints!
The lady would like to go “downtown”! The driver doesn’t ask for specifics. He just knows. You know, downtown, where all the downtowny folks hang out with their drugs and their poetry.
Dude that meth we just scored is gonna be killer
Thus we launch into the evening’s first musical number, “Downtown,” featuring Kurt emerging from the West 4th Street subway station like he didn’t just emerge from the West 4th Street subway station, Sam and Artie walking breezily through Washington Square Park and Blaine buying lattes. Witness:
http://youtu.be/CycIKLO0FOY
Now it’s time for more exposition! Turns out Rachel moved back into the loft after her out-of-town run and didn’t help with the box-moving, even though as I’ve mentioned 400 times, she could afford a much nicer place and a mover (or several!) with her Broadway salary but whatever.
How is Sam ever gonna get a modeling job if Artie’s hand is always blocking his face??!!!!
In celebration of her weird boss getting her a fancy car and her friends being so lovely and patient, she’s gonna take all of them to the Odeon for side salads!
This woman, all her friends are gay. All her friends are gay and singing songs! Who is this woman I have been forced to drive around this godforsaken city? Is she also a gay? When will I ever know the truth.
Just kidding, she’s gonna take all her friends except Artie, ’cause the town car isn’t wheelchair accessible. Artie and Sam will meet them at the Odeon and will hopefully spend the entire journey there talking smack about Rachel being self-centered.
For the last time, I didn’t kill Santana in a fit of jealous rage over Quinn! I don’t know why they’re still on vacation six months later, why don’t you ask Ryan Murphy, huh?
Cut to the very next morning in the Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, where Blaine’s preparing a gourmet breakfast for his man-love.
Oh come on stop pretending to be vegan ’cause you saw an upsetting documentary and eat this buttered pancake from heaven
Blaine starts gushing over the thrills and chills of living with Lady Hummel, including but not limited to: waking up together, walking to the subway together, going to lunch together, curling up in bed under the covers together and performing musical numbers together. It’s just a dream! He can’t get enough of it!
You withdrew all this blood just for me? You’re the best vampire lover EVER!
Kurt wonders if they’re turning into an old married couple but they quickly counter this concern by signing a song only familiar to very old married couples, “You Make Me Feel So Young”!
http://youtu.be/GqmrMBxOTiU
It’s super fucking gay.
What if instead of having sex you just watch me perform fellatio on this toothbrush for a minute how about that how does that sound Blaine
Just as Kurt and Blaine are about to settle in for some deep dicking, Sam shows up. Apparently, Sam’s been crashing on their couch all this time and Kurt wants him to move the fuck out.
Meanwhile, Artie’s monologuing about he’s adapting to wheelchair life in the city, building up his biceps, and always taking the subway like a real New Yorker because there is music and life underground in the beating throbbing heart of the city!
Oh my g-d is that Alec Baldwin?
Then a dude on crutches steals his backpack and NOBODY HELPS ARTIE!!! NOT ONE SINGLE SOUL. I FIND THIS SCENE OFFENSIVE AS A FORMER NEW YORKER.
Fuckin’ hell this bag is heavy what generation MacBook Pro is this kid using, there’s gotta be a 500 GB hard drive in this sack
Back at the Barbie Bushwick Dream Loft, Sam is playing video games instead of living the life he deserves to live as a premium male model because he’s gotten zero modeling auditions and doesn’t want to get a new haircut. Then Blaine shows up and wants to broach the “maybe you should move out” conversation, which sets Sam off on a rant about how much he hates New York: It’s crowded, it’s loud, it smells like garbage, “everybody here is basically paid to be rude to you” and Riese doesn’t live there anymore. “Sometimes it’s just easier to stay inside,” says Sam. I hear you, brother.
Sam, you can only save the princess so may times
Blaine thinks what Sam really needs to cheer him up is performing a hokey musical number with a bunch of extras in the gaping hellmouth of Times Square!
I’M KING OF THE SQUARE!!!
And he’s right!!
http://youtu.be/3wEkbrRm4Cs
At the song’s conclusion, Blaine erroneously declares that if you can sing in the middle of Times Sqaure, you can pretty much do anything, and then a freshly empowered Sam delivers the best line of the episode:
Sam: “I don’t know why they call it Times Square, I don’t see any clocks.”
Cut to Fake Julliard, where a cognac commercial extra is teaching Kurt how to use his body like an instrument.
The girl with the red curly hair and the leggings ISN’T BUYING IT
Kurt’s laying in to a deep rope pull when who should he spy out of the corner of his eye but Gay Blaine!
Kurt: “What are you doing here? This is a winter master class taught by Marcel Marceau’s illegitimate son Alain. You — you’re a freshman!”
Blaine: “I got special permission from Madame Tibideaux. Turns out I’m in six of eight of your classes.”
Kurt: “How is that even possible?”
Yup, Blaine’s sticking to Kurt like glue on a thing that needs to be glued to another thing, and it’s driving Kurt bonkers! Blaine asks Kurt if he’s sure that it’s Sam, not Blaine, making their apartment feel so suffocating, and Kurt’s like “oh, no,” which is a lie, and Blaine says ok great then they should go get lunch before Theatre History class.
Now pretend like you are standing next to a very short person, and you are a very tall person, and you would like this very short person to be your arm-rest
This is a good mime exercise for all you aspiring actors to practice at home:
Alain: “And now we will move on to the mime’s most tragic expression of the pointlessness of man’s existence. We are walking down the street, without a worry, a care in the world, and suddenly we begin to notice that we are walking in place but we are not going anywhere… and now we will stop to pick a flower. And in front of your eyes, the flower dies.”
IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES, THE FLOWER DIES!!!!
Meanwhile, Kurt dies inside while him and Blaine are forced to pantomime being stuck in a box.
Uh Kurt, are you pantomiming adding cyanide to my orange juice?
Then Sam goes on a great big journey to a super-hip hair salon and gets a haircut!
Hello world, meet the new lead of “Saved By The Bell: The Musical”
Back in the Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, Artie is upset about his laptop and Kurt wants Blaine to stop using the soda-stream and Rachel would really really love it if Blaine could make her some hot water with some lemon because that would be really great.
No, no, I said garlic sauce ON THE SIDE
Artie says he doesn’t feel safe going in the subway anymore and he feels super vulnerable, which is totally valid. From here forward Rachel is basically the collective lovechild of all four main cast members of Girls.
Rachel: I am so sorry, but I know exactly how you feel okay? When I first moved to New York I gave this homeless person ten dollars when I only meant to give him one? And then when I asked for it back, everyone hissed and they booed at me, and I felt so violated and vulnerable… but the next day I just got right back on that subway, because overcoming experiences like that is what makes you a real New Yorker.
And you know I thought I would never fall for another female best friend again after Quinn, but I am really noticing my vulva feeling more expanded lately, almost like it’s asking me to seek out new Sapphic opportunities? And there’s this red-headed girl in Kurt’s mime class who I think I have a real connection with? So I’m just saying that there is hope for those of us who used to be in love with blonde Cheerios, and you should never give up hope.
Artie says that Rachel isn’t even a real person anymore and he has to go! To wherever he is living and whatever he is doing!
Cut to Adam Lambert and Kurt Hummel’s #1 After-School Hangout: THE GUITAR SHOP!
Ugh if I hear one more thing about happy hour at Posh I swear
Glambert wants to discuss a musical number, but Kurt’s having trouble focusing ’cause he was up all night dealing with a bizarre case of bedbugs — Blaine picked up a couch from the back of a truck and brought it home only do discover it was crawling with insects! The winsome duo then had to spend the whole night washing all the things, because why anything. At least it didn’t have a dead mouse in it.
This was before he discovered the bedbugs FYI
“I know that I sound like a Bravo show, but I’m starting to think that that couch was an omen of our relationship,” Kurt tells Glambert. Kurt’s starting to feel like there is too much Blaine all the time and he is losing his identity. Glambert suggests they set some boundaries. Good talk!
What do you mean you bought Kris Allen’s CD but not mine?
His first step as an independent man will be to sing a song in the guitar shop!
http://youtu.be/tAdFSIh9eoo
Meanwhile, Rachel’s riding around in her fancy car thinking about how cut off she is from the world now that she has Town Car Privilege. She’s not sure if she can be a great actress without engaging in daily full-body sparring with the entire population of Manhattan.
So um, has anybody ever had lesbian sex in your car before? Asking for a friend.
Rachel decides to break free of her popemobile and go shopping for herbs in Chinatown! Okey doke.
Wait come back it smells weird out here and I changed my mind!
Back in The Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, Blaine has decided to remodel the entire apartment as an apology for the bedbugs and also to make the house feel like it is also his house.
Maybe I can save just a litttttle bit of this tape for a teeny tiny bondage game later… maybe…
Then Sam arrives with his new hair and announces he’s booked his first modeling gig for “Bubble: booty-contouring underwear for men.” Furthermore, Sam will be moving in to one of those infamous model apartments where poor scrawny boys lie about looking devastated and handsome all the time.
Looks like this kid deserves a Candy Surprise in his mouth! LIKE A JUNIOR MINT.
Then Kurt shows up, and before Blaine can share the good news about Sam’s onion butt, Kurt goes off about how Blaine didn’t consult him before embarking on an interior decorating journey. Kurt mentions that “Elliot was right” about how they’re losing their boundaries.
Blaine: “I’m sorry, Elliot? What does Elliot have to do with any of this?”
Kurt: “We were talking.”
Blaine: “I bet you were talking.”
Kurt: “He’s my friend.”
Blaine: “I bet he’s your friend.”
Kurt: “Calm down, psycho, all right? And stop being so pouty and weird. It’s annoying. Let’s just be adults and put everything back where it’s supposed to go.”
No no no, I don’t like having the butt plugs on the window sill, I liked them much better in the china cabinet
Elsewhere in this torrid troubling city, Artie’s about to brave the subway when a passing car showers him in dirty gutter water! This episode is SUCH a downer so far.
Christ! I should’ve known better than to go anywhere without my Cedar Point poncho!
Some minutes or hours later, Blaine has traveled all the way to Glambert’s super-hot bachelor pad in the city to have a psychotic episode in his living room — he accuses Glambert of crimes including: not accepting Blaine’s friend request on Facebook, trying to steal Kurt away from him and taking weird cinnamon roll selfies with Kurt.
Oh you must be mistaken, the only secret relationship I’m having is with Tommy Joe Ratliff
Blaine: “I get to New York and all of a sudden it’s like “Elliot thinks this” and “Elliot thinks that” and “Elliot’s hair is so full and thick that he doesn’t have to rely on hair gel.” Well, I may not be a cool, steampunk, glitter-rock vampire with like, tats and guyliner, but you know what. I love Kurt. I love him, he’s my fiancee, not yours, so back off.”
Adam Lambert is like, listen Blaine, I don’t think of Kurt in that way, and Kurt loves you, and here hold this guitar and maybe think about your life and your choices for a minute.
Mmmmmmmm. Chairrrrrrr.
Blaine apologizes and says that he’s going through this weird thing where he’s been apart from Kurt for so long and now that they’re together he just wants to make it real, but the more he tries, the more he pushes Kurt away.
Adam Lambert: “I mean look, New York is a really crowded place and people need a little more room to breathe here than usual.”
Blaine: “You’re right, I guess I always think of boundaries as walls, instead of places to grow in.”
Look at that! Emotional growth in ten seconds or less! Then Glambert invites Blaine to stick around and JAM on the acoustic guitar!
You know, I’d say on a scale of 1 to 10 that this whole situation with you and Kurt has been about 50 times more dramatic than when I went on tour with Uh Huh Her
Elsewhere in this crowded city, Rachel tells Artie he was totally 100% right about everything and she doesn’t want to be in her bubble anymore, she wants to be IN THE WORLD! Furthermore, she wants to be in the world with Artie, riding the subway with all the fine humans of this fine city.
Artie I feel like you’re forgetting the story I told you about when I almost gave nine dollars to a person in need
Okay, I love the subway, I honestly do, but I kept waiting for the scene where Artie pulls up to an elevator and discovers it’s out of service and a family of raccoons have been living in it since the’ 80s. Instead, we do a musical number! It’s your favorite Jay-Z song, “Don’t Sleep on the Subway!” No just kidding, it’s your favorite 1967 Petula Clark hit, “Don’t Sleep On The Subway!”
http://youtu.be/SVVeKJhvY70
Sam heads to wherever to check out his model apartment and meet his new roommate, who is also named Sam. But this Sam is A HUMAN FEMALE!!!!! (Editor’s note: I spent the entire episode wondering what else Girl Sam had been in, and it turns out the answer is American Horror Story and also The Newsroom, so you can tuck that tidbit in your back pocket until trivia night, I guess.)
Hello, it’s me, generic blonde girl, they found me on an orange juice commercial
Back in Bushwick, Kurt’s been waiting for Blaine to get home and have a serious heart-to-heart emotional conversation about their souls and loins. In the six hours since they’ve last spoken, Blaine has hung out with Glambert, taken a water taxi to the Statue of Liberty and Kurt has gone to the High Line and they’ve both thought lots of thoughts.
Before you ask — I’m sorry, I forgot to pick up the Drano. Okay? I’m sorry.
Kurt and Blaine decide that maybe they rushed into living together without thinking about it or whether they were ready for that kind of commitment. Therefore, they think it would be smart and mature for Blaine to move out. This is actually a really emotionally mature decision, go Team Klaine!
Kurt: “We can’t go backwards.”
Blaine: “We’re not going backwards, I think we’re being smart.”
Kurt: “By protecting something that is very precious to me. You know that right?”
When do I tell him that his sweater smells like incense and the Hudson River
Kurt: “No matter who we become, even if we do need alone time, which is completely valid, we’ll always belong to each other.”
Then they start making out and Kurt says that even though this wasn’t an official fight but really an adult grown-up conversation, they’re gonna have super hot make-up sex!
This is a thing that happens on television now
Meanwhile at The Model Apartment, Sam is telling Sam that he does the best impressions. Then she gives him pills to take so he won’t retain water, but Sam likes retaining water so he just makes a face. Then Sam says she has Adderall and Maria has Ambien but she prefers Lunesta and whatever he does, DO NOT take what Gavin has because that shit is pig tranquilizers.
Imagine that Oxy and Viagra had a threesome with Ritalin and gave birth to twins who were raised on nothing but SSRIs and anti-psychotics and then one of those twins had a baby with a pile of amphetamines, that baby is these pills.
Sam has Pharma Panic and moves out immediately.
Back at the Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, Artie and Rachel arrive home with a tall tale to tell: Artie spotted his robber right there on the subway and confronted him before he could steal this nice old lady’s Berkin bag and the flashback is hilarious because Rachel is being perfect and it has a happy ending which is that Artie gets his laptop back!
If anything goes down they’ll never know that ingenue from Funny Girl was involved
Then Kurt and Blaine announce that they’ve decided that Blaine is gonna move out but they’re not breaking up, they’re just growing as people who have to find their very own favorite pizza places. Sam and Blaine decide to find a place together, but before they can start shopping for matching thigh dildos, look who’s here?! IT’S MERCEDES!
If you thought Artie, Brody, Quinn, Santana and Kurt’s Dad were the only people who could break into your apartment building without a key, you are dead wrong!
Cut to an improbably affordable brownstone I believe is in my old stomping grounds of Harlem, approximately 1.5 hours away from Bushwick, where Kurt and Blaine have a couch and a flight of stairs and it’s just a lot. Upstairs in Mercedes’s new apartment, Mercedes and Sam are walking around with pieces of wood and their feelings.
Dude, you need to stop eating that Tasti-D-Lite crap and go to Pinkberry with me, stat.
Mercedes explains that even though Los Angeles is super nice and Whitney Mixter is super fun to hang out with, she missed all her friends in New York and therefore convinced her label that her album needed a “Harlem, East Coast, bee-bop vibe, uptown kind of vibe.” Good news: Sam and Blaine can rent her other bedroom! Obviously they can share a bedroom because they are lesbian lovers.
Sam: “What are we gonna do about our sexual chemistry because it’s –”
Mercedes: “Uh-uh, no, been there, done that. No, Sam.”
Sam: “Okay, yeah, just friends, just friends.”
Then he tries to kiss her and she says that she will bite his wax lips off. They’re totally gonna do it.
Next-Level Facepalm action
Back outside, Rachel does her funny diva thing and Artie laughs because everyone is so gay and happy and young and in New York together with all their talents and feelings!
JUST BECAUSE I’M WEARING A SKIRT DOES NOT MEAN I AM ‘ASKING FOR IT’ YOU MISOGYNIST ASSHOLE!!!!!
Then we transition into the evening’s final musical number, “People” from Funny Girl, during which time Blaine and Kurt buy flowers for themselves, Mercedes and Sam walk around with their hands in their pockets and Artie rolls around with a big grin on his face.
http://youtu.be/PYFoECcirDc
Next week on Glee, Kurt is going to get hate-crimed! I bet you think I’m kidding but I am definitely not kidding, this is a thing that’s actually gonna happen. Here, read the description from Futon Critic, apparently composed by somebody who hasn’t read the GLAAD media guide for talking about homos:
NEW YORK HAS NO SHORTAGE OF DRAMA AND TRAUMA ON AN ALL-NEW “GLEE” TUESDAY, APRIL 8, ON FOX
Rachel takes the next step in committing to her role in “Funny Girl.” Meanwhile, Kurt is the victim of an attack because of his sexual preference in the all-new “Bash” episode of GLEE airing Tuesday, April 8 (8:00-9:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. (GLE-515) (TV-14 D, L, S, V)
Cast: Lea Michele as Rachel Berry; Chris Colfer as Kurt Hummel; Kevin McHale as Artie Abrams; Naya Rivera as Santana Lopez; Darren Criss as Blaine Anderson; Chord Overstreet as Sam Evans.
Guest Cast: Amber Riley as Mercedes Jones; Mike O’Malley as Burt Hummel; Whoopi Goldberg as Carmen Tibideaux.
Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page
I actually honest-to-God watched this episode last night before reading your recap first to judge, and I liked it. I liked Glee again. This felt familiar and normal. THERE WAS CHARACTER GROWTH. THEY ACKNOWLEDGE SAMCEDES AND IT WAS KIND OF CUTE. I’m suspecting that in 3 episodes I’ll regret my life choices, but hearing Lea sing People cemented it for me. I’m back.
3 episodes? Oh, I promise you it won’t take nearly that long.
Yeah! I like this direction so far, it feels like a more grown-up show. Although I was a bit confused why they chose to place it six months in the future when very little seems to have changed in that time. But it was interesting to see Blaine and Kurt have a really grown-up conversation about a relationship issue that was actually relatively complex and believable, compared to so many others entertained on this program.
I’m also cautiously optimistic since all of the characters they mangled aren’t present (although I was delightfully surprised with Mercedes coming back! YES MORE STORY FOR HER!!), they’ll be consistent in focusing on characters that have always been the writers’ favourites.
Although next week’s premise makes me cringe. I’m hoping that because it’s Kurt, they’ll follow the Season 2 kind of sensitivity, instead of the Season 3 approach to Santana.
Wait the next episode is seriously called “Bash”
idk why I’m surprised about this after “Shooting Star” and yet thanks Ryan Murphy
so clever, that one
This actually makes me want to watch Glee again! But this also makes me nervous because I don’t want to get my hopes up too much. Think I’m going to wait to read your recap of next week’s episode Riese and see how they handle that storyline…
This is my faint glimmer of hope I’ve been hoping for on every Glee-speckled star since the new cast came in. Here’s hoping some more that it continues/doesn’t suck/Quinn ditches Puck when he realizes he can’t just “stay”and decides to pursue Rachel finally and they and Santana and Brittany and Dani and Adam Lambert and Mature Klaine can have a spinoff on a Hawaiian(?) island together.
Riese you are hilarious. This was great, and I also read the mouse-in-couch story again and concluded that it is my favourite thing.
dammit, Riese, now I have to watch this again.
I would pay good money for an episode where they perform Singin’ in the Rain while wearing neon Cedar Point ponchos.
i would pay good money for an episode where they go to cedar point