Elsewhere in this torrid troubling city, Artie’s about to brave the subway when a passing car showers him in dirty gutter water! This episode is SUCH a downer so far.

Christ! I should’ve known better than to go anywhere without my Cedar Point poncho!

Some minutes or hours later, Blaine has traveled all the way to Glambert’s super-hot bachelor pad in the city to have a psychotic episode in his living room — he accuses Glambert of crimes including: not accepting Blaine’s friend request on Facebook, trying to steal Kurt away from him and taking weird cinnamon roll selfies with Kurt.

Oh you must be mistaken, the only secret relationship I’m having is with Tommy Joe Ratliff

Blaine: “I get to New York and all of a sudden it’s like “Elliot thinks this” and “Elliot thinks that” and “Elliot’s hair is so full and thick that he doesn’t have to rely on hair gel.” Well, I may not be a cool, steampunk, glitter-rock vampire with like, tats and guyliner, but you know what. I love Kurt. I love him, he’s my fiancee, not yours, so back off.”

Adam Lambert is like, listen Blaine, I don’t think of Kurt in that way, and Kurt loves you, and here hold this guitar and maybe think about your life and your choices for a minute.

Mmmmmmmm. Chairrrrrrr.

Blaine apologizes and says that he’s going through this weird thing where he’s been apart from Kurt for so long and now that they’re together he just wants to make it real, but the more he tries, the more he pushes Kurt away.

Adam Lambert: “I mean look, New York is a really crowded place and people need a little more room to breathe here than usual.”
Blaine: “You’re right, I guess I always think of boundaries as walls, instead of places to grow in.”

Look at that! Emotional growth in ten seconds or less! Then Glambert invites Blaine to stick around and JAM on the acoustic guitar!

You know, I’d say on a scale of 1 to 10 that this whole situation with you and Kurt has been about 50 times more dramatic than when I went on tour with Uh Huh Her

Elsewhere in this crowded city, Rachel tells Artie he was totally 100% right about everything and she doesn’t want to be in her bubble anymore, she wants to be IN THE WORLD! Furthermore, she wants to be in the world with Artie, riding the subway with all the fine humans of this fine city.

Artie I feel like you’re forgetting the story I told you about when I almost gave nine dollars to a person in need

Okay, I love the subway, I honestly do, but I kept waiting for the scene where Artie pulls up to an elevator and discovers it’s out of service and a family of raccoons have been living in it since the’ 80s. Instead, we do a musical number! It’s your favorite Jay-Z song, “Don’t Sleep on the Subway!” No just kidding, it’s your favorite 1967 Petula Clark hit, “Don’t Sleep On The Subway!”

http://youtu.be/SVVeKJhvY70

Sam heads to wherever to check out his model apartment and meet his new roommate, who is also named Sam. But this Sam is A HUMAN FEMALE!!!!! (Editor’s note: I spent the entire episode wondering what else Girl Sam had been in, and it turns out the answer is American Horror Story and also The Newsroom, so you can tuck that tidbit in your back pocket until trivia night, I guess.)

Hello, it’s me, generic blonde girl, they found me on an orange juice commercial

Back in Bushwick, Kurt’s been waiting for Blaine to get home and have a serious heart-to-heart emotional conversation about their souls and loins. In the six hours since they’ve last spoken, Blaine has hung out with Glambert, taken a water taxi to the Statue of Liberty and Kurt has gone to the High Line and they’ve both thought lots of thoughts.

Before you ask — I’m sorry, I forgot to pick up the Drano. Okay? I’m sorry.

Kurt and Blaine decide that maybe they rushed into living together without thinking about it or whether they were ready for that kind of commitment. Therefore, they think it would be smart and mature for Blaine to move out. This is actually a really emotionally mature decision, go Team Klaine!

Kurt: “We can’t go backwards.”
Blaine: “We’re not going backwards, I think we’re being smart.”
Kurt: “By protecting something that is very precious to me. You know that right?”

When do I tell him that his sweater smells like incense and the Hudson River

Kurt: “No matter who we become, even if we do need alone time, which is completely valid, we’ll always belong to each other.”

Then they start making out and Kurt says that even though this wasn’t an official fight but really an adult grown-up conversation, they’re gonna have super hot make-up sex!

This is a thing that happens on television now

Meanwhile at The Model Apartment, Sam is telling Sam that he does the best impressions. Then she gives him pills to take so he won’t retain water, but Sam likes retaining water so he just makes a face. Then Sam says she has Adderall and Maria has Ambien but she prefers Lunesta and whatever he does, DO NOT take what Gavin has because that shit is pig tranquilizers.

Imagine that Oxy and Viagra had a threesome with Ritalin and gave birth to twins who were raised on nothing but SSRIs and anti-psychotics and then one of those twins had a baby with a pile of amphetamines, that baby is these pills.

Sam has Pharma Panic and moves out immediately.

Back at the Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, Artie and Rachel arrive home with a tall tale to tell: Artie spotted his robber right there on the subway and confronted him before he could steal this nice old lady’s Berkin bag and the flashback is hilarious because Rachel is being perfect and it has a happy ending which is that Artie gets his laptop back!

If anything goes down they’ll never know that ingenue from Funny Girl was involved

Then Kurt and Blaine announce that they’ve decided that Blaine is gonna move out but they’re not breaking up, they’re just growing as people who have to find their very own favorite pizza places. Sam and Blaine decide to find a place together, but before they can start shopping for matching thigh dildos, look who’s here?! IT’S MERCEDES!

If you thought Artie, Brody, Quinn, Santana and Kurt’s Dad were the only people who could break into your apartment building without a key, you are dead wrong!

Cut to an improbably affordable brownstone I believe is in my old stomping grounds of Harlem, approximately 1.5 hours away from Bushwick, where Kurt and Blaine have a couch and a flight of stairs and it’s just a lot. Upstairs in Mercedes’s new apartment, Mercedes and Sam are walking around with pieces of wood and their feelings.

Dude, you need to stop eating that Tasti-D-Lite crap and go to Pinkberry with me, stat.

Mercedes explains that even though Los Angeles is super nice and Whitney Mixter is super fun to hang out with, she missed all her friends in New York and therefore convinced her label that her album needed a “Harlem, East Coast, bee-bop vibe, uptown kind of vibe.” Good news: Sam and Blaine can rent her other bedroom! Obviously they can share a bedroom because they are lesbian lovers.

Sam: “What are we gonna do about our sexual chemistry because it’s –”
Mercedes: “Uh-uh, no, been there, done that. No, Sam.”
Sam: “Okay, yeah, just friends, just friends.”

Then he tries to kiss her and she says that she will bite his wax lips off. They’re totally gonna do it.

Next-Level Facepalm action

Back outside, Rachel does her funny diva thing and Artie laughs because everyone is so gay and happy and young and in New York together with all their talents and feelings!

JUST BECAUSE I’M WEARING A SKIRT DOES NOT MEAN I AM ‘ASKING FOR IT’ YOU MISOGYNIST ASSHOLE!!!!!

Then we transition into the evening’s final musical number, “People” from Funny Girl, during which time Blaine and Kurt buy flowers for themselves, Mercedes and Sam walk around with their hands in their pockets and Artie rolls around with a big grin on his face.

http://youtu.be/PYFoECcirDc

Next week on Glee, Kurt is going to get hate-crimed! I bet you think I’m kidding but I am definitely not kidding, this is a thing that’s actually gonna happen. Here, read the description from Futon Critic, apparently composed by somebody who hasn’t read the GLAAD media guide for talking about homos:

NEW YORK HAS NO SHORTAGE OF DRAMA AND TRAUMA ON AN ALL-NEW “GLEE” TUESDAY, APRIL 8, ON FOX

Rachel takes the next step in committing to her role in “Funny Girl.” Meanwhile, Kurt is the victim of an attack because of his sexual preference in the all-new “Bash” episode of GLEE airing Tuesday, April 8 (8:00-9:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. (GLE-515) (TV-14 D, L, S, V)

Cast: Lea Michele as Rachel Berry; Chris Colfer as Kurt Hummel; Kevin McHale as Artie Abrams; Naya Rivera as Santana Lopez; Darren Criss as Blaine Anderson; Chord Overstreet as Sam Evans.

Guest Cast: Amber Riley as Mercedes Jones; Mike O’Malley as Burt Hummel; Whoopi Goldberg as Carmen Tibideaux.

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