Hello and welcome to the seventh recap of the fifth season of Glee, a terrifying late-night television program about toilet plungers, Thumbelina, overpriced cocktails, strip poker sans poker and a fierce team of crime-fighting balloon animals with chapstick for brains and an irritating tendency to spontaneously break into song. This week’s episode took us beyond the candleabra into a majestical world of bubblegum and crack rock, investigating such pressing issues as wildlife preservation, heavy periods and underwater sex acts. Will our merry gang of warriors discover which artifact is turning innocent children into legless puppets? Let’s find out!
This week’s episode was penned by none other than our dear Matthew Hodgson, best known for the abysmal and offensive situation “I Kissed a Girl.” Matthew strikes me as the kind of guy who’d want me to bake him a pie but GOOD NEWS, Marni made a pie yesterday for Thanksgiving so I don’t even need to make another pie, I just have to recap this g-dforsaken show.
I feel like this recap isn’t very funny but I think that’s because everybody in this episode is cranky the whole time! I can’t be the only one who came here to party.
We open in the Glee Room where, free from the watchful eyes of the Very Shy Anonymous Backup Band, the children have sprung themselves upon wayward instruments. They’re plucking and clutching and pounding until interrupted by Blaine, who’s been sent to supervise Glee Club ’cause I lit William Schuster’s house on fire and watched it burn.
Hey! You! Junior Mint! Now!
Blaine immediately tops the entire class with his ideas about going acapella in Nationals (starring Blaine of course) and then the entire class power bottoms right back and protests his vision of a night sans guitars.
rock, paper, scissors, dildo
Tina calls Blaine “Blaine Jung-Il,” because of the famine and totalitarianism Blaine’s musical tastes will surely inspire. Then Blaine goes and sulks in a corner and Fake Quinn says he’s “man-strating.” Mhm.
We then seal our skulls in Outdoor Research Sun runner caps, stuff the meat and cheese of our fallible bodies into lumpy sky blue snowpants, snap our tiny feet into bedazzled snowshoes and cross-country ski all the way from Ohio, taking a brief detour through the fine slopes of New England, until at last arriving in New York, New York, where Kurt’s called an emergency meeting of The Gayest Band Ever.
okay honey if we can just power through the next ten minutes, everybody will leave for frozen yogurt and we’ll have the whole loft to ourselves to experiment with pony play
Kurt’s booked The Gayest Band Ever a gig at Broadway piano bar Callbacks, but his band members protest that debuting at Callbacks will be detrimental to their inevitable stardom. Glambert insists that he follows “lots of bands just starting out” and “it’s kinda all about the launch,” which is nonsense. All bands start out playing open mikes, Bar Mitzvahs, farmers markets, shitty dive bars and A-Camp. Nobody denies you a record deal ’cause you played your first gig at your Uncle’s 40th Birthday Party.
Nobody wants to hear a Mumford & Sons cover band, Kurt
But before I can dwell on Glee’s ten-thousandth inaccuracy, we segue into Kurt’s dream fantasy of the group’s debut, which involves Madonna, bright colors, lesbians, my gay boyfriend Adam Lambert, and therefore basically everything good and holy in the world.
http://youtu.be/IMhAkJCvBPs
My gay boyfriend Adam Lambert is sexy, Santana is hot hot hot, and Dani is um… nowhere to be seen?
fuck a tiny bird just flew into my eyeball
fuck a tiny bird just crapped on my shoe!
Kurt’s wet dream is interrupted by a ring-a-ding-ding from his fiancee Blaine Warbler, who’s despondent that Glee Club finds him controlling when all he’s trying to do is control everything. Kurt tells him not to be a puppet master and also tells Blaine he’ll send him a JetBlue voucher so Blaine can catch Kurt’s debut at Callbacks. Does Kurt get tipped in JetBlue vouchers.
For the thousandth time Kurt I can’t tell you how many calories are in those cronuts unless you send me a photograph and provide some basic measurements, so stop freaking out and have a snack
Already transported to Lima via the power of The Telephone Split-Screen, we then gamely swing on down the hallowed hallways, where Sue’s harassing Figgins ’cause today is Evaluation Day, starring Ted Beneke as the guy in charge of whether or not Sue will get to be Forever Principal Sylvester.
Yup I jammed my index finger up Emma Pillsbury’s nubile asshole and we’ve been in a full-blown triad ever since
Following her inspirational speech about making McKinley NUMBER ONE, Ted Beneke asks Sue if she’d like to grab a beer sometime ’cause he needs more dude friends. The punchline here is that he thinks Sue is a man because um… she’s wearing pants? Perhaps he fell on his head recently.
The eggs are burning
Cut to Sue having an out-of-character feelings-fest with her Beckretary and a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios.
Sue you have to stop putting chicken bones in my cereal, it tastes weird and makes me feel weird about our relationship
Sue: “That Bob Harris thinks i could star in the sequel to Boys Don’t Cry honestly, it kind of bums me out.”
HAHAHAHA HATE CRIME MURDER RAPE HAHAHA SEQUEL HAHAHA
Becky suggests Sue wears a skirt, which segues into Sue segueing us into a flashback wherein a younger Sue Sylvester, clad in a sensible skirtsuit and rocking luscious locks of hair, is unable to demand respect from ’80s teenagers hooked on dope and Pac-Man.
Sue watch out there’s a wolf eating your foot
Intrepid Intern Grace made this graphic wherein she demonstrates Sue’s likeness to Bill Haverchuck from Freaks and Geeks dressing up as the Bionic Woman for Halloween:
I should watch that show some time, maybe instead of this one? Anyhow, Sue’s inability to create change to believe in while wearing a pink blazer inspired Sue to chop off her terrible wig, adopt tracksuits 4 lyfe, and charge through the hallway beating up children.
Goodbye Femme Invisibility, Helllo Tuna Town
Sue notes that “the moment I put that track suit on, the world bowed before me,” but Becky rebuts that it couldn’t hurt to “girl it up a bit.” If only “girl” was a word that invoked specific standards of appearance and clothing items! It isn’t, but nobody cares because Gender Trouble is really dense and hard to get through.
Back in Glee Club, Blaine’s sulking that nobody wants his fist up their butt and the Piano Guy’s sulking that he lost all his moolah playing online blackjack.
You think I can’t do spirit fingers, old man? I’ll show you spirit fingers!
Then Blaine recedes into a misty fog of himself, transitioning into a bizarro-world in which the entirety of Glee Club is represented by muppets, which is really how Glee should always be from now on. Look:
They launch joyously into “You’re My Best Friend,” a terrible song I totally hate.
who just poured Hi-C down my back?!!
We then snap back into real life, where apparently while we were treated to a muppets-enhanced zone-out, Blaine’s body remained in the Glee Room, silent and surly. Fake Quinn says she’ll call him a wahmbulance but nobody ever calls the wambulence when they say they will, you know?
Hell no dude we are NOT now and not EVER having a threesome with that mop-haired Ryder guy! It’s just me and you, like we promised!
Elsewhere in McKinley High, New Puck is teaching the Cheerios to dance but he thinks they all suck. Then he looks at a girl, and New Santana is like “are you fucking everybody now,” and he’s like “YUP” and she’s like, “ew.”
Just imagine that you’re having lesbian sex for the first time
Then Blaine thanks New Puck for standing up for him and warns him of a mystical artifact in the Glee Room causing normal humans to do strange things!
Seriously bro, at Costco they have sticks of butter this big!
Cut to Glee Club, where New Puck’s lost interest in coreographing the Gleeks ’cause they can’t booty pop.
Ugh it’s so awkward when Jake shows up to class in koolats
Marley’s like “you think you’re all that but you’re totally not,” and he’s like, um, yeah actually I totally am all that, just like the movie She’s All That, but instead it’s He’s All That, and I’m the star.
Then New Puck enters the Twilight Zone for a rousing rendition of the Janet Jackson classic Nasty/Rhythm Nation, and it’s actually really fucking cool and good and I’m not sure why New Santana has a new personality this episode but whatever I like her better than Marley-Paste that’s for sure.
For the last time, Sue-Bob and Mary-Jo, I am not a lesbian and your C-cups on my upper arms won’t change a thing
Just hold real still and I’ll get this lube off your shoulder
Girl, you have two seconds to get out of my way before I whip this Jansport right off my back and introduce it to your face
wait wait hang on i gotta get my phone out of my pocket
Wow, Gia is really sexy
Here, a video:
http://youtu.be/uCQlqM4lSBM
At the song’s end, New Puck wakes up from what was apparently a daze inspired by the yet-to-be snagged/tagged/bagged mysterious artifact causing musical blackouts and everybody hates him.
Cut to Art Class, where Blaine secures permission to make a Kurt puppet, probs for sexual purposes. Then he chats with said puppet throughout the hallways, which is supposed to be weird but is actually awesome.
Who wants to feed my puppet a junior mint?
Then Sue trips in a pair of heels because HAHAHA FEMINITIY HAHAHA WOMENSTUFF HAHAHA POWERFUL WOMAN IN LADY-SHOES HAHAHAH
Come on dude I know you’re not trying to sell me that little nugget for the price of a dime bag
An unexpected exception to the “a person slipping and falling is always funny” rule of comedy
Sue, disturbed by Blaine’s relationship with his new felt real doll, snatches it from his clammy clutches and leaves him empty-fisted and alone.
Now me and your little puppet friend are gonna take a little trip to the movies to see “Last Vegas” if you don’t mind kindly stepping out of my way
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When I saw the puppets, I thought of Carly and Robin and then I wished I was watching them performing this episode because it would be 10000x times better and then I turned it off.
Oh, I think you should definitely do jury duty.
“WOW, GIA IS REALLY SEXY”
that is EXACTLY what i thought!!!
Cunnilingus 104 – like, there’s a 101, 102, 103 course? Hmm. Do you think this will be an online course someday? I do have something like 20+ years of experience, but it seems like there’s more I could be learning, here.
I haven’t commented in a while because the show hasn’t moved me too, but I really liked this episode.
The Bree storyline is a bit (WAY REDUNDANT AND CLICHE), but I support the actress (she’s black and went to an Ivy League school and so did I so support yay!) and they’re inching her in the way they did Naya and she’s not so bad and can dance and has a decent voice and decent zingers.
Jake/Bree/Marley Janet Jackson performance was the best dance performance ALL SEASON.
And the focus on the NYers (arguably the only reason I still watch the show) was good. I live for all of their scenes.
So all in all I didn’t hate this episode. I even liked Sue and Unique having a moment.
I did hate the puppets. That was annoying. I’m also the only person in the world who isn’t a fan of Blaine at all. I just find him corny. I can’t be anymore specific than that.
Also Demi/Naya… zero chemistry. Had to be said.
“Just imagine you’re having lesbian sex for the first time”
Most accurate picture caption ever
lmao! riese i love your writing. you are really smart.
awww thank you
“It isn’t, but nobody cares because Gender Trouble is really dense and hard to get through” lol
i have never watched glee (maybe once) but i really, really love muppets. maybe i’ll finally cave. maybe this episode will be my Glee Root.
Why is this still one show? It makes neither narrative nor economic sense. I would’ve expected it to have split into _Glee: The New Class_ and _Glee: The College Years_ by now.
UGH
GLEE
Sue’s hair is short because she didn’t know how to bleach her hair safely when she was young. Season 1: Madonna Episode.
Godfuckingdamnit Glee
“Then Sue trips in a pair of heels because HAHAHA FEMINITIY HAHAHA WOMENSTUFF HAHAHA POWERFUL WOMAN IN LADY-SHOES HAHAHAH”
hahahahaahaaaahHAHA
This was such a good recap. I’m just so glad you continue to do this great work so I no longer have to watch this show.
“Then New Puck enters the Twilight Zone for a rousing rendition of the Janet Jackson classic Nasty/Rhythm Nation, and it’s actually really fucking cool and good and I’m not sure why New Santana has a new personality this episode but whatever I like her better than Marley-Paste that’s for sure.”
TEHEHE
so i know she’s beloved around these parts but at what point can we start to question jane lynch’s involvement with this foolishness?
i know the “party down” movie isn’t really in the works quite yet but she doesn’t need this show (does she?).
her character ranges from bafflingly inconsistent to downright heinous. she fluctuates between being the incredulous fourth wall shattering voice of the audience and a homophobic, sexist, child abuser.
shouldn’t she have some influence over her character and the show at this point?
i mean, she’s had a recurring role on ‘two and a half men’ for so long now. i honestly feel like she just is kinda game for anything
yikes i didn’t know that.
a look at her imdb page supports that assertion, wow:
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0528331/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
“space chimps 2: zartog strikes back” has to be a classic.
The late Christopher Wallace once observed that “the streets is a short stop: either you’re slinging crack rock or you got a wicked jump shot.” For a queer woman, unfortunately, Hollywood is a still shorter stop: even if you got a wicked jump shot, you must nevertheless sling crack rock as well.
I’m still waiting for Space Bonobos.
I missed this week’s episode while I was playing cards with my family on Thanksgiving
and this re-cap makes me glad I missed all this ridiculousness!
(but I’ll probably still watch it because for some reason I’m still committed to this show?)
Riese, just dropping in to say that I really enjoyed the recap (as always) and especially the Warehouse 13 references. Please continue to speculate as to the artifact which causes all the poor boys and girls of McKinley High to constantly break out into song and dance. (My guess is that Schuester’s hair gel was first used in the original Broadway production of West Side Story.)
seriously this ep was a hardcore warehouse 13 situation
I freaking love Warehouse 13, so even though I don’t watch Glee, I was incredibly happy to see so many WH13 references in this recap. Love it!
I just really like that they’ve given up on storylines. “Let’s have a cheerleader get knocked up by a Puckerman!” “Didn’t we already do that with the whole Quinn/Puck thing?” “NAH! It’ll be fiiiiiiine, just you wait and see.”
UGH.
What the fox was this episode supposed to even be about?
After this episode I think it’s safe to say that Blaine is a gentleman in the streets and a freak in the sheets. He ws so into his little Kurt puppet and I don’t even know what was going on with that Tina puppet. For the sake of their upcoming nuptials I hope Kurt is open to experimentation (involving puppets) ;)
Jury duty sounds better than screening Glee once a week. Lord, what a mess this show is. Why did they put muppets in, I still don’t get it.
I live in the UK, where glee is screened a week later, I use your awesome and hilarious review to decide whether I’m going to bother watching or not…and to ponder what in the 7 hells a junior mint is? I’m torn, I’m a sucker for a muppet, but the lack of Dantana action coupled with casual sexism yet again is off putting.
How did you know that I needed to watch the Britney Spears video as soon as I read the word “toxic”?? Amazing.
’Twas the Intertext speaking through her.
Long live the Intertext, the sole source of meaning in our lives!