Welcome to the recap of the sixth episode of the fifth season of Glee, a youth-oriented television program about a group of extraordinarily talented young people with poofy bangs, neon pants and shaggy mullets who deal with life issues such as schoolyard crushes and peer pressure while maintaining a rigorous performance schedule at The P*lace. This week’s episode was a stunning meditation on issues of grave importance to the world-at-large including but not limited to the hole in my hoodie, the hole in my sweatpants, duvet covers, roller-skating, days-of-the-week underpants, rubber cement, hemp bracelets and double-ended dildos.

So, this week was the Billy Joel episode. I don’t dislike Billy Joel, but Billy Joel is not a good choice for Glee because Billy Joel is SO CORNY. Glee, meanwhile, is SO CHEESEY. Who wants to eat a cob of corn slathered in cheese? Nobody. Except maybe BILLY FUCKING JOEL, otherwise known as “The Cheesecake Factory.” Who directed this episode? Mr. Dress-Up?

Anyhow, this’ll be a little briefer than usual ’cause I don’t care about any of the storylines that were in this episode I’m sorry.

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We open in McKinley High School For The Super-Special, where Sue’s set up a Career Fair so the students can decide whether they wanna work at The Cracker Barrel or at Dunder-Mifflin. Sir William’s upset that there is not enough representation of “careers in the arts” and I’m upset that Sir William hasn’t been condoned to whatever circle of hell involves spending eternity on an overcrowded Greyhound bus to nowhere.

Sir William, determined to show his young charges the viability of a “career in the arts,” has hatched what’ll surely be a bang-up plan to thematically beat this poor dead pony, announcing that “this week’s assignment is about a goofy-looking kid who struggled for years in the music business.”

“Close,” Sir William says, whiteboard marker clutched and poised to scrawl. “Billy Joel!” Apparently, our dear straight white male Billy Joel faced intense adversity while pursuing his career in the arts. For example, he wrote songs nobody liked and worked back-t0-back fourteen hour shifts bussing tables at seedy bars for minimum wage to pay the rent. JUST KIDDING he had to play piano in seedy bars just to pay the rent. That must have been really awful. I bet one or two of the kids in this room can totally relate.

Blaine and Sam are heading out to New York, New York, for Blaine’s big audition at Fake Julliard and Sam’s big interview with Hunter College for their prestigious former-stripper scholarship, and thus the dynamic duo launch into Billy Joel’s classic tune “Movin’ Out” which segues into their arrival in New York. They immediately board a city bus, don’t pay any fare, and totally ruin this guy’s day:

My notes on this scene:

why does Santana have a big sock on her head

http://youtu.be/bXE8k_j_W6o

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We then smash our legs into transparent panty-hose, smush our feet into undersized figure skates, envelop our bodies in latex and speed-skate all the way back to Lima, Ohio, where THANK YEEZUS a man has arrived to fix a woman’s life for her: it’s Artie, and he thinks Becky should go to college!

Sue kindly implores Artie to mind his own business. Meanwhile New Puck’s terrorized Marley’s locker with a shit-ton of roses, but she’s like whatever, roses. He begs her to let him apologize for doing the four-legged frolic with New Santana and make it up to her. Probably with more flowers. She’s like, what’s the point, you are who you are and I can’t change that. Then a giant anvil falls from space and kills them both and also William Schuster. Oh wait, no, sorry, that’s just what I wished happened.

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We then steal 87 spork packets from Kentucky Fried Chicken and employ said sporks to dig ourselves an enormous cross-country tunnel and then we shave our heads, slather our muscled bodies in grapeseed oil and slither all the way back to New York, New York, where Rachel’s telling Santana that she’s continuing to work at Fake Eileen’s Stardust Diner because Fanny Brice had a job.

Then Blaine and Sam drop in after a leisurely morning of buttsex and college visits, the latter of which shocks Kurt because why would Blaine visit Columbia and NYU as “safety schools” when he’s so obviously gonna get in to Fake Julliard? More importantly, who the fuck applies to Columbia as a safety school?

He should apply for a degree in Hamburgerology, like the one my Mom has, because she was a McDonald’s manager while pregnant with me which’s why french fries are my favorite food. Aren’t you glad that you know this about me now? I feel so much closer to all of you! I also like ice cream and dairy products in general and cashews. Now we’re best friends.

Thus we segue into “Piano Man,” performed by Blaine and accented by an enormous waitstaff spinning around with candles from the dollar-store, which’s a fire hazard.

Witness the glory:
http://youtu.be/C8zUk1xSAKA

Seriously, how many rounds of Fake Julliard auditions and conversations must we endure in this show? WHEN WILL IT END LORD HAVE MERCY

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We then shake and shimmy our way back to Lima, Ohio, where Artie’s taken it upon himself to research colleges with programs for students with Downs Syndrome for Becky, because students at McKinley are 100% incapable of making post-secondary school related decisions and they all require distant acquaintances to aggressively rescue them from their delusional apathy towards higher education.

Artie: “I want you to know that you have choices, and I’m not gonna give up on you.”
Becky: “I know I have choices. My choices is none of your business, Artie! I don’t want to go to college, and I don’t want your stupid pamphlets! Butt out!”

Becky’s assertion that Artie ought to butt out is bad news for Becky, because Artie is a man and men know everything. It’s Murphy’s Law. You know — Ryan Murphy’s law.

Meanwhile in the weight room, Ryder’s gotten bored cruising for steam-room hookups and has decided to pick on New Puck for screwing up his relationship with “the best thing in [his] life,” and he’s not talking about french fries or dairy products… he’s talking about Marley-Kate.

New Puck explains that the Gleeks are always hyping the value of being yourself, and thus he’s decided to be himself, and himself is a douchebag with a wild hunger for nubile young ladies. How better to express this glorious emotion than via the Billy Joel hit “My Life”? Besides, of course, running into traffic.

Marley’s unimpressed:

I’m just bored, mostly:
http://youtu.be/Vm_WsbBjVGA

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We then hop on craigslist, snag ourselves a sweet rideshare with a chain-pot-smoking teenager and his 23-year-old girlfriend who sells hollowed-out rocks on etsy and smells like ground beef and we breathe through our mouth all the way through to New York, New York, where Sam Evans is interviewing for a scholarship at Hunter College. Still I can’t hear “Hunter College” without thinking “68th street stop.”

Sam’s interviewer notes that his grades have really taken a turn for the impressive this year:

Sam: Yeah I had a breakthrough a few months ago, ’cause I’m not like a good student, but I realize that what I’m really good at is impressions, so I started to do this impression of a good high school student, and it’s kinda working.

That’s exactly how I feel about being a businessperson — I’m a better actress than a business person, so I do best when I treat networking events and conferences like Living Theater.

Anyhoo, when asked why he’s interested in Hunter, Sam cites the promising girl to boy ratio because he’s “totally into feminist issues” and the excitement of living in New York City. There is an awkward pause, and then:

Sam: “So you’re uh, you’re black… that must be interesting. Do you know uh, this is a shot in the dark but.. do you know Mercedes Jones?”

And thus concludes the interview.

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Back at the Bushwick Barbie Dreamhouse Loft, Sam confesses to Rachel that his true dream in life is to be a male model.

Sam’s been dreaming a little specific dream wherein he’s chillin’ out maxin’ on a bench with a douchey hairstyle when a bus drives by, plastered in a photograph of Sam in his skivvies.

Rachel hands him a giant plate of starchy carbohydrates and assures him they’ll pull off a winning photoshoot that’ll snag him all kinds of gigs that’ll make his junk look as big as various automobiles.

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We then ride a bus plastered in photographs of a shirtless Sam Evans all the way back to Lima, where Artie’s moved onto Step Four of Glee’s Unwelcome Life Intervention: The Serenade. As per tradition, Artie has selected a song with romantic overtones, the content of which he will shortly re-define.

See for yourself:
http://youtu.be/cycfmQOLFA4

Becky’s afraid of going to college because she’s afraid everybody will make fun of her. Artie assures her that there’ll be plenty of new friends, teachers and counselors there to support and love her, and he’ll have her back too even though he’ll be TEN BILLION MILES AWAY AT FAKE TERRIBLE FILM SCHOOL IN NEW YORK.

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Meanwhile in the cafeteria, Marley peels potatoes with her Mom and mopes about New Puck being a big jerk and acting like he’s the victim and putting flowers in her locker and overall being a useless character taking up space on this show that would be better filled by scissoring lesbians.  Mom’s proud of Marley for denying New Puck the right to dip his stinger in her honeypot.

Mom: “Your first time is something that you can never get back honey, you need to hold out for a good guy this time, and not just somebody you have feelings for, but somebody you can trust.”

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We then sprint gallantly in tiny shorts all the way back to New York, New York, where Rachel’s found a nice lesbian to take photographs of her studly future male model friend Samuel Evans.

Rachel basically does a Haviland Stillwell impression for the entire scene, during which Sam really struts his stuff, makes facial expressions, and so forth.

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Still exhausted from our prior sprint, we return to Lima, Ohio, home of the Hunan Garden Chinese Restaurant, where Sue Sylvester’s offering Artie an ear douche because he obviously didn’t hear her when she told him “to stop meddling in the affairs of one Becky Jackson.”

Artie patronizingly informs Sue that Becky’s totes into college and he’ll be taking her to visit the University of Cincinnati this weekend. Sue backs down and demands a full report, and then we cut to the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, where Ryder begs Marley to go out with him ’cause he’s got good family values and knows how to read.

Marley-Kate says she needs a little break from men, which unfortunately doesn’t mean “I’m gonna clamdive with Tina.” Then Ryder sings “Innocent Man” and everybody looks super awkward about it, because they know that he’s gay. Just kidding. OR AM I?

http://youtu.be/eU5KPtmxmW4

Anyhow, Marley-Kate says she’ll go out with him, so you can scoot back off the edge of your seat now.

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We then put on our windbreakers and track pants, tie up our brand-new tan Easy Spirits and mall-walk our way all the way back to New York, New York, where Kurt’s helping his future husband Blaine Warbler pick an outfit for his Fake Julliard audition.

Blaine confesses that he doesn’t wanna audition for Fake Julliard ’cause he’s got other interests, like hair gel and medicine, and that maybe it’d behoove him to attend a college instead of a conservatory, which I think’s a great idea and Kurt thinks is a steaming pile of lies and shit.

Kurt turns Blaine around to admitting his intelligent post-high-school plan was merely insecurity that he might not be one of 12 humans accepted to Fake Julliard’s bizarrely semestered educational situation and then they share a nice chaste hug.

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Elsewhere in the City of York, Samlander’s hitting up the House of Bitchette, owned by Tyra Banks. “Your Midwestern eyes have the vacant state of a cow’s,” she notes. “I don’t have any of those on my roster.”

Bitchette gives him a depressing speech about Sam’s potential as a male model, claiming that male models never get to have fun party time because they are always working for no money out in the world! Sam’s not deterred! How could he turn down this opportunity.

Or this opportunity?!

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Later that very same day in the Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, Sam turns down Rachel’s basket of baked goods ’cause he’s on a flavored air diet in order to lose ten pounds for his photoshoot. His friends tell him he’s perfect just the way he is! How do they tell him this? By singing “Just The Way You Are” on their brand new piano, duh! Yeah Blaine bought them a piano. I don’t know, I think somebody on this show has magical powers.

Santana’s not having it:

Santana: “Do you see this? This is what’s gonna happen from every argument or discussion or meal from now on, it’s gonna end in a freaking sing-a-long.”

Despite her alleged surliness regarding this activity, they’re only a few verses in when Santana re-emerges, microphone in hand. Probs she just took a valium.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mf-BTgmdRTo

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We then turn into birds and fly back to McKinley High, where Becky tells Sue she really enjoyed her visit and wants to go to college.

Becky: I don’t wanna hurt your feelings, coach.
Sue: I don’t have any feelings, Becky.

Then Sue makes a Graydon Carter reference, and I’m one of five people watching this show who catch it.

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In the hallowed halls of McKinley High, Ryder implores Marley to check her Instagram, where he posted a photograph with the caption “BEST DATE EVER.” “When did you do all that?” asks Marley, clearly unaware that Instagram happens in AN INSTANT and that’s why it’s called instagram and therefore he probs did it like an instant ago. No really I wasn’t paying attention, but it looks like both these kids have washed and conditioned their hair today, so BRAVO!

Marley’s like, just ’cause we went out one time doesn’t mean we’re boyfriend and girlfriend foreveerinlove. Ryder’s like oh whoops, that’s not how it went with this gravatar I dated last year.

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Blaine and Sam return from The Big City to announce that Blaine’s Fake Julliard audition was AWESOME and Sam’s not gonna go to college, just like Billy Joel.

I don’t need to recap the rest of this episode because Glee has hired their own in-episode recapper to provide snarky commentary and her name is Sue Sylvester. I mean, I wouldn’t have told Sam he was too fat to model because that’s ridiculous, but pretty much everything else she says I am on board with.

Sam: I’m gonna skip college too, and become a male model.
Sue: Impossible. You’re too fat.
Sam: No I’m not. And I don’t care what you or Ms. Bichette or anyone else says, I like me just the way I am and I’m not gonna change for anyone.
Sue: Well that is just the screw-you spirit employers love. Honest to God, I cannot imagine what goes on in your lumpish, sexually ambiguous heads.
Becky: ‘Cause they’re nuts, Every one of them is crazy.
Sir William: Becky you may be right. We may be crazy —
Sue: Oh no no no Oh don’t you dare over my dead body will you inexplicably shoehorn in another Billy Joel song just to punctuate one of your weekly lessons that inevitably veers off into a saccharine barrage of angst and affirmation.

[Billy Joel’s “You May Be Right” begins]

It’s awful.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHqCZdbo3p8

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Thus concludes this week’s episode, which was focused entirely on the male characters on the show, and unfortunately I am a lesbian who hates men, so I give it twenty thousand thumbs down. And yes, I’ve been known to enjoy a nice rendition of “Piano Man” and “Just The Way You Are” as well as the parody version of “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” my co-workers and I at the Macaroni Grill oh-so-hilariously composed one drunken evening, but I enjoy those things in private, not on television instead of lesbians.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WE CAN ENJOY IN PUBLIC? MUPPPEEETTTTSSSSS!!!! NEXT WEEK THERE’S GONNA BE MUPPETS!

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