Cut to the School Board meeting, headed up by Ted Beneke, where Sir William’s forced to make a case for twerking, because this show is complete nonsense.
“clamidiyal.” C. L. A. M. D. I. Y. A. L. C. R. E. E. P. Clamidyal.
Sir William then narrates a Tomorrowland-esque Voyage into the History of American Dance, as demonstrated by his animatronic band of hormonal idiots.
yup, it’s me, i’m the one who put whiskey in the fruit punch
All these demonstrated dances have one thing in common, says Sir William: they seemed scandalous at the time but now seem innocent and quaint. Actually what all those dances have in common is that the white Americans “scandalized” by said dances didn’t even create them in the first place but had no problem taking credit for it: the Twist traces back to West Africa, the Charleston originated in Harlem, Elvis got all his musical influences from gospel and rhythm & blues, Chubby Checker invented The Pony, and the Lambada is from Brazil. AMERICAN! HISTORY! Oh the waltz though. Totally on us.
snooze
I want this entire show to catch on fire so I can throw its ashes down our bathroom sink drain. Much like the Drano already taking up space in said sink drain, this show is full of empty promises. “Do you want to be on the right side of musical history?” Sir William asks. If “the right side” is his side, I’m gonna have to go with…
Unique has requested a gender-neutral bathroom, and Sue’s responded by installing The Riddlers’ personal port-o-potty in the Glee Room, which Tina is really enjoying and everybody else hates. Including me.
this isn’t ridiculously fucking degrading at all
Once again I’ll quote Mey’s tumblr: “Seriously, couldn’t the episode have been about the Glee Club fighting for Uniques’ right to use the women’s bathroom instead of having to use a unisex one? And were we not supposed to be ridiculously offended when the “special” bathroom designed for Unique had question marks all over it? It’s pretty obvious that was a joke where the punchline is that they aren’t acknowledging her gender.”
Back in New York, Kurt charges into the tattoo parlor with his self-righteous indignation and instead of bitch-slapping him on both cheeks with a cheeseburger, the tattoo artist shows Kurt the design Kurt provided him with, proving that it was Kurt’s typo, not that guy’s, that resulted in his grammatically confusing tattoo in this terrible font.
it could be worse, it could be in comic sans
The tattoo artist says Kurt doesn’t seem like the tattooing type, but Kurt explains that his path has been different and exciting but not really and now he wants to take a streetcar towards desire or something. Tattoo artist says when you go off-road, crazy things happen, like when he got a tattoo of the host of That’s Incredible! on his chest in Hong Kong and turned it into a demon. He volunteers to fix Kurt’s tattoo and throw in a free tongue piercing, which’ll be great for rimming and terrible for acting and singing.
that guy on the street outside in the buggie? he said i had a cute butt?
We then ski all the way to Hunter Mountain in upstate New York, change into our sneakers, and enter a magical wardrobe which ejects us directly into the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, where New Santana’s guffawing over a Vine of Marley being a bad dancer and subsequently offering to gift Marley with a Twerktorial of her own. Oh and also:
New Santana: “After your pathetic night of don’t touch me there I mean it, Jake, he came running to me. And we twerked all night long.”
and that’s samira wiley in a blazer, and that’s samira wiley with a puppy, and that’s samira wiley with an umbrella
Marley-Kate is like nah New Puck would totes never do that, not with “trash” like you, and then New Santana is like:
New Santana: That is slut-shaming. You are using the derogatory label “trash” for a female’s natural sensuality. It’s femiphobic, neoretrogenderist and a clear form of sexual bullying.
HAHAHA FEMINISM HAHAHA LOL HAHAHAA LOL and then New Santana says something gross about a mole on New Puck’s hip and how they banged all night long like wild bunny rabbits.
oh my god i left the butt plug in
Marley-Kate confronts New Puck and she’s crying a lot and he’s just like, whoops.
this is my interpretive dance of how it feels to be a tampon stuck behind another tampon
Then “Wrecking Ball” happens and admittedly I’ve never seen the original, but this one manages to be both really sad and sort of like a weird ABC Family promo / commercial for adult diapers.
holy flamewars this is the best sex toy ever
oh fuck these walls don’t really go very high do they
Mmmmm yup that hits the spot
In my MOUTH, dammit! How many times do I have to tell you not to put the junior mints in my ears but in my MOUTH!
And then I threw a bottle of wine at Marina’s house
well this is awkward
Cut to the Glee Room, where Unique’s gotta pee, and I feel really weird that everybody’s gotta talk about Unique’s urinary tract and bowel movements all the time when they should be talking about how that g-dawful piece of fabric ended up becoming a shirt and then becoming a costume on this show.
Hello yes me again, can i be excused from this show please
Sir William The Cisgender Savior Industrial Complex takes Unique through the hallway blabbering about some nonsense I can’t listen to because I hate him, and Sir William says any time Unique needs to pee, she just needs to find him and he’ll let her into the faculty bathroom, because that’s a totally efficient and not a remotely infantilizing solution to a problem with a much more obvious solution: let the woman use the woman’s bathroom and ensure that space remains safe for her.
look, mr. schuster, here’s the thing: nobody likes you
Unique’s really grateful to Sir William for everything which makes me want to die because he’s awful and he never stands up for her, ever, and the only ally cookie he deserves is a Fig Newton that’s been soaked in hot dog water for five hours.
just ignore all those pictures of wavy-haired girls running around in the woods on the walls in there, promise i’m not “A.”
Sir William: “No one needs to know how you identify yourself, they just need to know you washed your hands after.”
SHE IS A GROWN ASS WOMAN WILLIAM STOP TALKING TO HER LIKE A FUCKING TODDLER.
Sue spies Sir William’s self-serving gesture from her vantage point as the all-knowing all-seeing sorceress of the universe and tells Sir William she’ll give Unique a key to the bathroom if William gives up twerking.
nope, this is exactly the most i can open my piehole for the insertion of junior mints
Also, Sue continues using male pronouns for Unique and Sir William never corrects her, not ever, and I used to think “well, being a racist homophobic transphobic dicknail is just her character,” but as a girl who has now played about 75,000 games of Quiz Up Glee Trivia (insomnia is a bitch) and reported at least 75 trivia questions that referred to Unique as “Wade” using male pronouns to The Powers That Be, I can say that in this case Sue’s continuous usage of male pronouns has become a condoned behavior that is really dangerous to promote in a world where kids are never, ever, not ever, taught or told anything about transgender people anywhere besides this show. Especially since aside from her treatment of Unique, Sue’s been the only one calling out sketchy shit this season.
William refuses to take the deal, because he’s a heartless douchebag.
Sue: Oh for God’s sake, William, that’s your red line? Of all the things in the world to be outraged about.
Sir William: This isn’t about twerking. This about standing up to sue sylvester and her inane out of touch meddling. It’s about standing up against your repeated attempts to suppress the glee club and what we’re trying to say. When a law is unjust, it’s your duty as an American to disobey. It’s called civil disobedience.
Then Sir William rages out of the office, Sue-style, which’d be funnier if I didn’t want to smash a xylophone over his head for just picking booty-popping over Unique’s safety and happiness, or that such a choice even exists in the world of this show.
I’m gonna rock the Presidential Fitness Test this year! Hi-YA!
We then crabwalk backwards in sweatsuits to the Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft in New York, New York, where Kurt’s returned from a fencing match in Idaho with his tongue pierced!
it got stuck to a pole!
Also, the tattoo artist “fixed” his tattoo to say “It’s Got Bette Midler,” so now it’s REALLY the worst tattoo ever.
Oh Jesus if he says one more thing about BB Cream I’m gonna fall asleep and die
Kurt notes that “ever since Finn died, I’ve been going about my business, but I’ve also kind of been in a trance and I guess I just needed to be shocked back to life.” Kurt departs to have skype-sex with Blaine and Rachel tiptoes into the bathroom to reveal to the camera that she got tatted up, too:
Back at McKinley, Sir William finally figures out how to get rid of his bad ideas by erasing them from the board. Just kidding, Sir William did some Serious Soul Searching and ultimately decided that Unique’s safety was more important than extras rubbing their asscheeks against his thigh in the hallway.
Yup, it’s true, I won Underwhelming Teacher of the Year 2013, and proud of it!
Unique steps forward to give Sir William a metaphorical pat on the back for doing the absolute minimum required to be a good person, and then everybody admits that twerking wasn’t really their style anyhow. Their style is more like “wearing patterns and stripes” and “caftans.” We then transition into a song Sir William ensures is “more their style.” It’s a recent pop song I’ve never heard before so that description seems accurate.
holy crap my balls are on fire from that floor-skid
fall over and die fall over and die fall over and die
junior mints, we command you to fall from the ceiling into our gullets right this minute!
All these kids are one spin away from a Vomit Party, but Sir William is loving it.
Check it:
http://youtu.be/l-BmA-opyn8
Next week on Glee, I’ll be watching Catching Fire instead of Glee! But you can look forward to this:
who cares
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I just. I cannot even. I CANNOT. On the one hand, Unique’s rendition of If I Were a Boy is perfect and heartbreaking, and yes, I totally cried. On the other hand, EVERYTHING ELSE. God, I couldn’t even get all the way through the video of Blurred Lines, I was so skeeved out. Also… none of that was twerking. WHITE PEOPLE JUST NEED TO STOP WITH THE SO-CALLED TWERKING.
“On the other hand, EVERYTHING ELSE”
yes indeed
Everything about this makes me cringe. The sad reality of our world is that people will watch this and see nothing wrong. They won’t see how transphobic the treatment of Unique’s character is. Or just the general terribleness of it all.
Exactly – gay people I know were writing about this episode as though it were wonderful and trans positive. I tried so hard to explain why that was wrong, but just couldn’t get through to them. So frustrating.
How do you even stand recapping this show anymore, Riese? I tried to watch to see what was up with The Worst et al., but couldn’t get past the awful. Also, does anyone care about new cast members?
“You guys, when I was six…Beyonce was also six.”
DYING
I almost vomited in my mouth just reading that Schu sang Blurred Lines. This is appalling. Fuck this show. I can’t even watch the first season anymore without getting incredibly distressed because HOW COULD *THAT* TURN INTO *THIS* SO QUICKLY???
The sheer amount of transphobia and stupidity makes me want to throw up. Why in the world would they use Blurred Lines anyway. I’ve never watched Glee before and this gives me more of a reason to stay away.
I don’t understand how Unique singing “if I were a boy” could be so good and make me cry, but the rest of her storyline was so bad. How did they even manage that?
And new-Santana’s slut-shaming talk was super annoying.
I think that new-Santana’s slut-shaming talk was especially annoying, because it was just another cheap joke at the expense of women who dare to critize Glee. Remember “lesbian bloggers” and “hashtag Glee hates girls”?
yeah exactly! it’s totally snarky bullshit just like those situations you mentioned, sade
Every part of my former teacher self wants to go through the TV and throttle Will Schuester. So far this season he’s… stolen a grief memento from another student AND implicated another student in this, harassed a girl with an eating disorder over not wanting wear a bikini, and sung Blurred Lines to his students. Also with no more Ms. Pillsbury, there isn’t anyone to balance out his crazy and tell him when he’s being an awful human being.
My only hope is that maybe Glee is building him up to be awful and will end the show by sending him to a jail where Nathan Lane has already headed up a prison choir and he has no job to do.
Also, I loved Unique’s version of If I Was a Boy, but Nellie Veithemer’s from the Glee Project still has a special place in my heart.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one holding out hope that they’re building him up to be awful, not just to us (feminists, smart people), but to everyone.
I know it’s the most wishful of wishful thinking but… his behavior has been truly upsetting and over the top. It’s bizarre. I wonder what the actor thinks of his character.
fig newton soaked in hot dog water for five hours, indeed.
one of the best imagery for something disgusting I’ve ever read.
thank you i will print this complement on my mantle as soon as i become a person with a mantle
I don’t like this.
Couldn’t help but yell at the screen as Ryder stood up to “defend” Unique and I was reminded of his exceptionally trans*phobic response to her crush last season.
This was so validating to read after probably the worst episode of Glee they’ve ever done.
The cheeseball part of my soul really just wants to watch talented people sing and dance to songs that I know. But the cheese melts under all of the transphobia, racism, biphobia, sexism, general creepitude and assholery, etc. Also, I’ve officially gotten too old to know most of the music. Therefore I can’t watch this show anymore. But I really like your recaps.
According to the super reliable internetz some junior mints are vegan now. I need to go find some.
I just cannot with this show anymore. As soon as I heard they were going to do “Blurred Lines” (or as it should be correctly named: the date rape song) I turned to my girlfriend and said “I bet someone will sing it and then someone else will point out it’s rape-y and then Glee will pat itself on the back for being somewhat aware of the awfulness but still rake in the iTunes money.” And to be honest, I’m terrible at predicting shit like this. That’s how predictably terrible this show has gotten.
However I do still love the NYC bits. Could someone magically cut just those bits together so I never have to look at Will Scheuster’s ever again?
thanks for giving me so many reasons not to watch this episode. i can’t handle it anymore.
“IT’S JUST LIKE, I WANT GIRLS WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME, TO KNOW THAT I’M GAY. WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO ASK. YOU KNOW?” is what the voices inside my head are screaming every time I tell my hairstylist something like “I don’t know, maybe…. wispier this time?”
Also I’m definitely not watching this episode. Thanks for saving an hour of my week <3
Riese, I cannot thank you enough for suffering through this shit show to bring us these hilarious reviews (hands over imaginary fruit basket).
you’re welcome! (eats all the berries first and then the apples and then the pineapple and then maybe the melon if i am still hungry)
This episode makes me wonder where they are going to draw the line with all of this.
They=the writers who think this is ok, the actors who consent to do it (I know it’s really difficult once you’ve signed a contract, but those have to be renewed at some point right? Also I know it is complicated when it will mean losing a reliable source of income etc.), and the people who watch the show who need to hold Glee accountable via their viewership and iTunes accounts.
I used to enjoy Glee’s songs because they (usually, somewhat) applied to what was going on in the show and they were catchy…but now that’s all overshadowed by the show that I can’t even enjoy the catchiness anymore.
Can we just have a NYC spin-off? I feel like that’s the natural progression of the show anyway, since it was primarily focused on the “original six” cast members, especially Rachel. But that’s going back to season 1 and as far as Ryan Murphy is concerned that’s a long time ago in a galaxy far far away…
Also in regards to one of the captions, All I want for Christmas is Quinn Fabray with a strap on. Can someone please tell Santa?
I am so confused as to how I missed the abuse storylines… Didn’t realize they bothered to give Ryder and Kitty depth last season.
But Will has becoming increasingly inappropriate. He’s made me uncomfortable for a long time now (the Rocky Horror episode comes to mind) but now it’s ridiculous. Protesting totally reasonable dress codes? Suspending a girl from Glee Club for not violating those dress codes? Saying that girl’s choice to not make herself uncomfortable for others’ entertainment is a selfish “agenda”? And then everything that happened in this episode. Completely ridiculous.
Meanwhile, I missed Santana in a major way. Seems like she would’ve fit in perfectly to the “let’s do something crazy!” storyline.
I stopped watching glee years ago, but I still tune in for these recaps just to see what unimaginable ways glee has effed up this time. A+ on the recaps :)
Riese, it’s amazing how your reviews of such an awful show are still enjoyable to read. I haven’t watched the show in years but still read your recaps.
If they ever decide to just follow the characters in NYC and no more McKinley I might consider watching again, but until then I’ll just read your recaps..
‘You guys, when I was six… Beyonce was also six.’
This was my favourite quote from this recap!
“JUST IGNORE ALL THOSE PICTURES OF WAVY-HAIRED GIRLS RUNNING AROUND IN THE WOODS ON THE WALLS IN THERE, PROMISE I’M NOT ‘A.'”
FuuuuuUUUUUCCKKKk. That was the funniest thing.
I imagine that when Ryan Murphy interviews people to write for this show, it goes something like this: “Do you think that people should be able to joke about anything they want, no matter how offensive or triggering it may be to other people? No? Good answer, good answer. And do you think that a writer should be able to write about any hot button issue, ESPECIALLY when they pertain to minorities who aren’t gay cis white men, without having to do any research or give any thought to the fallout that might come from misrepresenting such an important topic? Yes? Wow, you’re really acing this interview.”