We then call our Amish friends and take a horse and buggy all the way to Fake Eileen’s Stardust Diner in New York, New York, where Kurt’s greeting his new one-top with a speech worthy of a 10% tip. But this isn’t any ‘ol one-top, it’s STARFOXCHILDWONDER, aka Elliot.

let me remove these real quick and show you what superman can do

Elliot explains that he needs to be in Kurt’s band because he came all the way to New York from New Jersey Land of Malls to be a star in New York City! Also, “join an indie band” is on his bucket list, along with, I imagine, stealing a tiger from the Bronx Zoo, shopping at Dillard’s, buying and losing at least 35 umbrellas and having a mouse crawl on his face while he sleeps.

so, have you ever heard the term “monogamish”?

Kurt noticeably softens when Elliot admits he’s going to NYU because Fake Julliard rejected his gorgeous mug. Kurt’s gonna fall in love with Adam Lambert but it’s okay, it happens to all of us.

haha eheheh no not cheating we were just comparing shoe sizes

Alas, before the Kelliot ship can take off, Santana swings by to tell Kurt to stop flirting ’cause he’s engaged and besides his break is over and he’s gotta sit his ass up. Then Santana is like hot damn, it’s Autostraddle’s gay boyfriend! I hope he’s gonna be in our band! BEST BAND EVER.

Over the woods and through the river back to Lima, Ohio, we go, where Sam knows the way to carry the sleigh through the thick and juicy snow! Once again, Sam’s creeping on Nurse Petty, this time to ask how she liked “Applause.” She says she liked the part where the girl got suspended and admits that she’s not really into dark edgy music, she was just pretending during that part I didn’t tell you about because I didn’t care.

But, ha:

Nurse Petty: “My favorite artists are mainstream singer-songwriters like Carrie Underwood, Bruno Mars and Katy Perry.”
Sam: “Me too! Oh my gosh I’m so not a Gaga. Ugh, I love Katy Perry! I’m such a Katy. Oh, it just feels so good to say it out loud.”
Nurse Petty: “I also still like the Jonas brothers.”
Sam: “I still like the Biebs!”
Nurse Petty:” No.”

They make plans to hit up a Katy Perry show in 2014, and then they make out.

The facehugger is a parasitoid; its only purpose is to make contact with the host’s mouth for the implantation process, by gripping its legs around the victim’s head and wrapping its tail around the host’s neck

Cut to the McKinley High School Auditorium for fools, where Team Dark Edgy Gaga Trying To Be Team Innocent Katy performs a really great stripped-down edition of “Wide Awake” that finally showcases the pipes on Tina and Unique and doesn’t make me want to die at all. I liked it a lot actually.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_WyZtjDlFA

Moments or minutes or years or centuries or seconds later, New Puck finds Marley Perry in the hallway — she’s easy to find ’cause she’s wearing a pink wig and a dress made out of child’s wrapping paper —  and invites her over to his place. They can watch Marry Poppins, he claims, which is code for “me popping into your mary” if you know what I mean.

ok, is it junior mints time yet

Marley’s like, you want me to come over with this wig on? And he’s like, I really dig the wig, which reminds me of this really amazing Miranda July story, “Something That Needs Nothing” from her book No One Belongs Here More Than You and therefore makes my head itch. Anyhow, then we cut to the boring bedroom we’re supposed to believe belongs to New Puck.

it looks like he’s unwrapping a present in this picture you would never know there was a human girl under there

They’re making out with all their clothes on which means it’s only a matter of moments before Sex begins, because it’s Television. Marley-Kate calls the whole thing off and then they have a big fight about how she’s not ready to have sex and does he really enjoy going to shows wherein semi-talented local community actors sing Sound of Music in a half-empty coffee shop or is he just with her ’cause he wants to touch her boobs one day.

man i could really go for some string cheese right now

He says before Marley-Kate, all his lady-lovers dropped trough within six days or got the ‘ol heave-ho. So Marley throws off her wig and suggests he hangs out with those girls instead, so New Puck goes and bangs New Santana.

wow he’s so much cuter with these earplugs in

We then pile into an expensive sports car and drive all the way back to the Bushwick Barbie Dreamhouse Loft, where members of The Gayest Band Ever are pondering potential names for The Gayest Band Ever. Also, Naya Rivera and Adam Lambert and Demi Lovato and Chris Colfer are all hanging out in the same room (!!!!!!) on my television set (!!!!).

so do we just sit here all night or are we ever gonna get to suck face like sam did five minutes ago with the school nurse

Dani suggests they name their new band the Nip Slips, to appeal to boob-lovers all over the world, but Kurt says no to that and also to everything, because he is, as Santana acutely points out, a Nobot. Then Rachel shows up from her depressing rehearsal and suggests they name their band Pamela Lansbury which she means as a joke but everybody loves because WHY ANYTHING.

um, yeah, that was my copy of written on the body i keep by the toilet that you accidentally peed on

Kurt insists that Rachel must discard her “excuses” about being the lead of a Broadway musical that she’s using to avoid joining The Gayest Band Ever because our Dear Dear Barbara Streisand managed to be in Funny Girl AND:

+ sing for the President and Ladybird Johnson

+ pose for the cover of Time maagzine

+ sing “Happy Days Are Here Again” to “adoring nightclub audiences all over the country”

Firstly: aside from the last item on that list, which is ambiguous and confusing, he’s describing a series of actions which would take, cumulatively, about six hours. Secondly, Rachel is still in rehearsals! She’ll have more time when the show itself starts, assuming all goes well… but also she’ll be busy from probs 5:30-10PM every night except Mondays, which could put a kink in their band-booking schedule CAN YOU TELL MY BEST FRIEND WAS A BROADWAY ACTRESS WHEN I LIVED IN NEW YORK ALSO ALSO THOUGH WHY AM I EVEN TALKING ABOUT THIS

lemme just grab some snacks and let’s get down to brass tacks for some spin-the-bottle action

We then strap baby angel wings on our back and soar like eagles all the way back to Lima, Ohio, where everybody is still in costume because who cares, and Unique is wearing all of Magnolia cupcakes on her dress and Artie still looks like a mime trapped in a condom trapped in a comic book, and Tina and Blaine are freaking out about Throat Explosions’ posting their setlist online but what everybody should REALLY be freaking out about is Tina’s ass in this outfit.

one of many things katy and gaga have in common is a propensity for not wearing pants

Sir William blathers on about something, inspiring New Puck to lean over to Ryder-Bieber-Strong and ask if he thinks Sir William thought up that inspirational bit I’ve since forgotten on the spot or had been saving it all week, and Ryder is like, “What are you talking about? Mr Schuster is a genius,” because Ryder is an idiot.

who, us? gay? naaaaah

Then Sue shows up ’cause she was bored and suspends everybody because the kids are breaking the dress code rules. Seriously though, Fake Quinn’s fellatioing a lollipop in a crop top with flower boobs and tiny shorts, which’s what my boarding school would’ve called “out of uniform.”

Sir William: Are you really starting up this feud again?
Sue: Oh, it never ended, William. It’s been hibernating like a polar bear in winter.

The war never ended because Ryan Murphy is too busy to think of something else, duh! Sir William says that they’re gonna BRING IT ON with their Katy number though so everything’s gonna be fine.

you do realize that katy perry wrote a song called U R So Gay that opened with the lines “I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf /While jacking off listening to Mozart”, right?

I gotta be real with you, I can’t hate this song, even though I hate Katy Perry with the fury of a thousand ambisexual suns. I sort of like most of her music. I love the sins but I hate the sinner, if you know what I mean.

This particular performance goes totally off the rails! But I like it anyhow because it’s ridiculous and so am I.

donna martin graudates! donna martin graduates! raise the roof!

junior mint. now. hit me.

This part was especially random and surprisingly entertaining?

this is our official audition tape for disney’s jungle cruise

But maybe I’m just reacting to Tina’s quads again.

i just used ob tampons for the first time!

This part I could live inside and sit in the front row of and love and think and dream about for the rest of my life:

seriously all these humans singing together

Also sidenote: when the entire male cast is romping around in loinskin diapers and Tina and Fake Quinn are wearing belly-bearing leopard-print crop tops and skirts, certainly you could make Unique a sleeveless outfit for once in her life on this show.

jazzzz hands!!!

Here’s that hot tamale en total:
http://youtu.be/qJ2FDqUw5wE

Next week is gonna be really terrible and everybody is going to hate it, especially me. Also I don’t think anybody should be allowed to talk about twerking on television without inviting our Mod Kaylah and her Twerk Team.

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