Welcome to the second episode of the fifth season of Glee, an after-school special about jungle gyms, training bras, witch hats, cotton balls, double-headed dildos and ponies who smoke too much dope and the doe-eyed maidens who like to ride them through the meadow!
This week’s episode was uneven, for sure, vacillating from cheerful heartwarming highs to dull uncomfortable lows — wacky in bits, then heavy-handed, then dark and then back again. My affection for The Beatles is so intense, and my relationship to these characters so confusing, that I found myself on the verge of tears at surprising moments.
The New York crew right now is fucking killer. Kurt’s shed the cranky entitled diva in favor of confidence and even charm, Rachel’s grown up six months overnight and Santana’s finally getting a story instead of a series of one-liners. Brody was hunky, but one-note, and Adam was forgettable, but Dani will, at least, be interesting. I mean — I mean, she makes Santana sweat under her boobs!
The newer class back in Lima pales in comparison, and I think that’s bad casting, but also the writing just hasn’t been that ambitious thus far. We’re just getting adults and children picking on each other in newer, grosser ways at differently-themed dances. The writers seem scared, almost, to give Unique any lines, let alone a storyline, and she’s the only new kid who doesn’t come off as a pubescent version of those mini-original-cast-Gleeks from “The Substitute.”
Even the Shamed Prom Queen Who Shows ‘Em has been done before, and this rendition, while admirably bringing it back around with slushies and giving a famed ’70s horror flick a wink/nod, just kinda loops back in on itself. We’re not actually getting anywhere with any of these people, except maybe Kitty, who’s currently outshining the rest of the newbies by far.
And that’s how I feel about this episode! NOW ONTO THE RECAP!
We open in the Glee Room, where Blaine’s transformed a Gymboree smock into a short-sleeved blouse and Sam’s pondering the naming rituals of Married Homosexuals and lamenting his status as “unlucky in love.”
ok i’ll give you a quick neck massage but no happy ending this time, brah
Mr. Shue busts in to deliver an emotive lecture about “Rubber Soul” and haircuts, but he’s interrupted by an announcement from Ultimate Principal Sylvester regarding Prom Queen and King nominations. Once again, the allegedly unpopular Glee Club dominates the ranks: we’ve got Blaine and Artie up for King and Fake Quinn and Tina Cohen-Agitator vying for the lady-crown.
in which tina cohen-chang copies the facial expression riese displayed in all her elementary school photos
Tina does a little interpretive Tae-Bo, announces that prom queen is her chance to be “bigger than Jesus” (a reference, I assume, to John Lennon’s “more popular than Jesus” gotcha moment) and therefore she’s gotta ditch her un-nominated date Sam and instead attend with a group of single ladies, thus cinching the dejected wallflower vote.
TOTAL AWARENESS OF EXCELLENT BODY OBEDIENCE!
Fake Quinn says Tina’s got her vote ’cause she’s only a sophomore which means, in Glee years, she’ll have at least 18 more proms to snag her tiara.
yup, i was me. i farted and it smells like strawberry shortcake
Tina launches into “Revolution” but is foiled by the bell, unfortunately, because the first six seconds held great promise. I’m serious.
We then extract our dusty pony play gear from beneath the guest bed, strap on our saddles and pin luxurious manes to our headbands and gallop all the way over acres upon miles of fresh american soil until at last arriving at Fake Ellen’s Stardust Diner in New York, New York, where Santana’s filling the sugars while thinking about how the new girl Dani would feel inside her sweet sweet sugar walls.
so what if i distribute cocaine on the side, what’s the big deal, stop staring at me shorty
Rachel’s freaking out ’cause she’s not heard back from the Famous Broadway Director Mike Dexter or Paolo Who Won a Tony about her Funny Girl audition. She tells Santana she wasn’t just auditioning for herself, she was auditioning on behalf of all McKinley High School students, aiming to prove once and for all that Lima children can make it! Santana’s like, well, I’ve already made it, say hello to the new star of the best yeast infection commercial of all time.
after this shoot, i’m gonna stick this rolling pin up my girlfriend’s vagina!
and then she’ll need yeast-i-stat!
watching all those hot girls in leotards at the rhythmic gymnastics competitions in the 2012 olympics really paid off
i just fucked all three of those housewives with a really expensive vibrator!
and one of them is still wearing her butt plug!
this is what fetuses see when they exit their mother’s vagina
Santana: “I like yeast in my bagel, but not in my muffin!”
Rachel says she’s super proud and not remotely jealous even though it’s obvs she’s super jealous and not remotely proud.
http://youtu.be/hE6vXB8c6Xs
We then load ourselves into human cannons and skyrocket across the expansive landscapes of at least four lovely States of America until landing smack-dab in the middle of the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley School For Recycled Characters, where New Santana and her Gaggle of Girls confront Fake Quinn in the hallway about her alleged intent to support Tina Cohen-Agitator’s nomination for Prom Queen despite the fact that Cheerios never win prom queen ever and therefore Fake Quinn should be fighting for her own.
i have personally finger-banged all of these girls behind me so don’t even think about it
New Santana: “Now, I know what you’re thinking, “But oh em gee Bree, I love the Asian girl from Glee Club. Well, punch yourself in the face so I don’t have to. I do not give a flying fart, and the Cheerios do not give a flying fart, about how much you love your sisters from Glee Club. You have 51 weeks out of the year to love your sisters from Glee Club and this week is not — I repeat, NOT — one of them. This week is about winning prom queen for the Cheerios and that’s not gonna happen if you’re off campaigning for Kimchi Cohen-Barf or whoever. Are you an idiot, Kitty? That’s not a rhetorical question, I literally want you to tell me if you’re mentally slow so I can be sure you’re not nominated for future prom courts.”
This, of course, is a brilliant spin-off of The Best Sorority Girl Email Of All Time. And I quote:
If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Julia, I’ve been having so much fun with my sisters this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.
I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM… Are you people fucking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night time events.
Ah, youth.
i think i just swallowed my gum
Cut to the Glee Room, where Sam’s hanging out with his guitar and moaning to Mr. Shue about not getting nominated for Prom King and getting dumped by his date, who he describes as “not hot” which means Sam is “not to be trusted” because Tina is super-hot. GOD MEN UGH.
or we could just have a staring contest and fuck all this noise about polio
Then Ultimate Principal Jesus Sylvester enters to announce her initiative to vaccinate the entire school for polio. Sam’s alarmed ’cause he hates needles. But does he hate needles more than he hates polio? Stay tuned to find out!
We then affix stylish yet affordable superhero capes to our backs, slip into a pair of relaxing spandex leggings and soar back to Fake Julliard, located smack-dab in the liver of New York City, where Rachel’s playing with pianos when Kurt shows up wearing the entire metropolis on his vest.
this is rachel berry’s lena dunham impression
Rachel’s so jealous she could explode:
Rachel: So did you hear about Santana’s good news?
Kurt: That she doesn’t have a yeast infection?
i mean, i prefer diflucan, but different strokes for different folks
Kurt thinks Rachel’s depression over not hearing back from Funny Girl has led to Rachel losing her “mojo.” Unfortunately, there are no single men around to fix the situation, so a song will have to do.
everybody demonstrate your favorite sexual position!
The Terrific Twosome have decided to demonstrate their alleged mojo by singing “Get Back” while a bunch of extras dressed in Pregnancy Chic push pianos around.
let’s smash all of these pianos together and see if we can cause a glitch in the matrix
hey good lookin, whatcha got cookin, how bout throwing a junior mint in my mouth for me
also does not have a yeast infection
Ta-da:
http://youtu.be/SYuCNkUr3ag
Despite complete exhaustion and overwhelming malnutrition, we then fill our waterproof sandproof windproof swamp-proof pack-a-sacks with whole grains, bite-sized vegetables and string cheese and then walk a billion million miles through the rain and snow until we return to Lima, Ohio, birthplace of comedienne Phyllis Diller, where Sam’s gonna get poked in the ass by Anna from Spring Awakening!
Oh you’re gonna be wounded, oh you’re gonna be my wound
Anna was my favorite ’cause she always really set the bar for how exuberantly the cast members would leap and stomp all over the stage. Ugh I miss that show.
phoebe gives face
Anyhow, the whole Sam/Nurse Penny plot interests me about as much as eating paste with Jacob Ben-Israel. So onward into the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High, where Tina’s XO is bringing her Binders Full of Single Women and her latest prom poll numbers.
is this purified
Tina’s dismayed to hear that her numbers are down due to a spike in Fake Quinn’s popularity, which is obviously a result of the really fantastic sexy photographs of Fake Quinn now plastered all over the hallowed walls of the hallowed halls of the hallowed McKinley High School for hollow holes.
another fine piece of work from the intrepid photoshopper who brought you “finn naked in the locker room” last season
Tina immediately fingers Fake Quinn… as the traitor who feigned allegiance only to turn around and photoshop her head on Olivia Munn’s body from the February 2011 issue of Maxim (thanks, Artie!).
Look, there are 47 percent of the people who will vote for Tina no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with her, who are dependent upon Glee Club, who believe that they are victims, who believe the popular kids have a responsibility to be nice to them, who believe that they are entitled to an education, a safe walk home from school, to you-name-it. … My job is not to worry about those people.
Obviously this was the work of New Santana, but everybody’s certain that Fake Quinn’s lying, which she realizes is probably because she usually is lying.
anybody else think it kinda looks like portia de rossi
We then put on our boogie shoes and dance like crazy kats all the way to Fake Ellen’s Stardust Diner in New York, New York, where Santana’s doing sidework with Dani The Magical Lesbian.
i am so far past undressing you with my eyes that you’re already freezing cold because of how long you’ve been naked
Santana: “So do you think that you knew your parents were gonna be a lesbian, giving you a boy name?”
Dani: “I’m not a lesbian.”
Santana: “Oh, uh…You just wear so much eyeliner… I don’t…”
Dani: “I’m totally kidding. I love lady parts.”
Ah yes, those magical “lady parts.” So specific, so illustrative. Personally, I go for whole entire ladies, and whichever parts go along with said lady, but Dani’s not like that. Dani’s different. Dani just likes the lady parts. An arm, the ears, a leg, one hand, two toes, a finger or eight, a nose, maybe just one nostril, perhaps a shoulder blade or two? You never know with Dani, that girl LOVES. HER. PARTS. I mean, why buy the lady when you can get the parts for free, amirite?
well, four fingers is fun, but i prefer fists
Taming Santana into emotional submission is no easy feat, but Dani’s got that shit done and they’ve only been chatting for a few minutes. Santana’s thinking about what to say before saying it while clearly all lit up over the prospect of talking about being gay with a girl who isn’t her best friend and lover of many many years. Dani’s had this whole entire life behind her! They talk about their parents — Dani’s parents caught her scissoring with a chick in the basement and freaked out, inspiring Dani to snag her guitar and make a run for it.
wait me? you wanna do an anonymous sex toy review of nipple clamps with me?
Dani asks if there’s any chance Santana might reunite with her bisexual ex-girlfriend’s lady parts, but Santana assures her its over, to which Dani delights that it’s time for Santana to date a “100% Sapphic goddess.” I was so hung up on her actually using the term “Sapphic goddess” that I didn’t think about the “100%” until like ten minutes ago, and then I made a face.
yeah i’m talking like five of these suckers filled with lady-cum after one night with santana
Santana nervously skitters away to Rachel, who’s been sensing a serious energy exchange and is concerned Dani might be a Cylon.
Santana: “I’m getting that stinky panic sweat under my boobs.”
Rachel: “Why? She’s cute, she’s sweet, she’s gay, ask her out!”
Santana: “Ok, I’ve never been with an actual lesbian. It’s been all bisexuals like Brittany or college girls trying to experiment.”
Rachel: “You’re scared. I’ve never seen you scared before. It’s cute.”
aw honey, it’s okay, you’ll catch on real quick! i sure did!
This is the part where I confess that back in my bisexual maidenhood, which was many moons ago, I also said “I’ve never been with an actual lesbian” while experiencing panic sweats in my “cleavage” area, so I can’t really judge Santana saying the same thing. See, I’d started dating this lesbian-identified girl Haviland (who was BFFs with Lea Michelle at the time, because it’s a small, small world) and all my experience thus far had been with straight girls or other bisexual girls, none of whom had been with more than a few girls, if any, before me, let alone dated one or gone to gay bars or read AfterEllen or marched in a pride parade or read Tipping the Velvet. Meanwhile, Haviland had had a full-blown girlfriend for many years and had been out since she was a teenager. I was like, Haviland is gonna be like a Professional Lesbian Sex-Haver, and here I am, a Professional Straight Sex-Haver but an Amateur Lesbian Sex-Haver, and I will be terrible in bed and she’ll hate me! It’s stupid, of course, and the distinction I was making at the time wasn’t –lesbian vs. bisexual vs. straight–, it was –women who’ve had long term relationships with women vs. women who haven’t– and –women who’ve been out for a long time vs. women who just came out–, and it just-so-happened that I’d never hooked up with anybody in the former categories until Haviland, but her sexual orientation has nothing to do with that, ultimately. Anyhow we dated for like two months and then decided to be best-best friends instead, and THEN the first girl I’d ever had sex with e-mailed and said she and her boyfriend had broken up (she was bisexual) and did I want to go out and I was like YES and we dated for a couple months and it was all great, and then this one night I took an ambien and woke up the next day in a tunnel of darkness and drank an entire bottle of wine before this party her modeling agency was throwing at a bar downtown and then I said terrible things and messed everything up. Anyhow, where were we? Ah yes: one day you grow up and realize most of the things you said and did back then were misguided, but it’s okay, because you were just a little bird and now you’re grown up and you can take your little wings and fly. Here.
We then lumber menacingly through tall weeds and dark swamps until we arrive back in the hallowed haunted hallways of McKinley High School For Gladiators, where Sam’s faking sick to spend more time with Nurse Penny.
so you’re saying two in the vagina and a few digits in the rear?
Mere steps down the corridor, poor Nurse Penny drops her caboodles and Sam shoots a lusty glance in her direction, thus launching into “Something,” which follows Sam through the classrooms of McKinley High, intercut with some bizarre black tie slow-dancing in the April Rhodes Memorial Pavilion with Nurse Penny.
http://youtu.be/NIeqH_L2HdU
Unfortunately, we return from a commercial break to find that Nurse Penny’s been fired for injecting a Cheerio with urine or something, maybe she injected cement into somebody’s thigh, but Sam’s determined to save the day by letting Penny do him in the butt and then telling Ultimate Principal Jesus Sylvester all about it.
i thought i requested a junior mint to accompany this shot
Ultimate Principal Jesus Sylvester agrees to keep Nurse Penny around, noting the following:
Sue Sylvester: “Nurse Bumble McQuirkypoops will remain at McKinley High. I could use a new plaything. You know, yesterday I asked her for two aspirin, and she accidentally gave me steroids. Which means I can finally stop buying from Mark McGuire. (groans) He always wants to hang out, and I just want to get the hell out of his house.”
I’m sorry but Sue Sylvester is the best principal of all time. They should’ve kicked Figgins outta that chair and replaced it with this tall drink of water in a tracksuit eons ago!
how do you like my rodney dangerfield impression
Elsewhere in the hallowed halls, Tina’s XO is distributing “Tina for Prom Queen” propaganda while informing the students that not casting a vote for Tina Cohen-Chang means they’re racist. The students are like, um, everybody at this school says crazy racist shit all the time including the principal and nobody does anything about it so what’s the big deal.
it’s called the affordable care act, dicknail, not “obamacare.”
Tina’s XO is confronted by New Santana and Her Lovely Ladies mid-hallowed-hallway, and told she could snag a spot on the Cheerios by auditioning and performing a cheer or dance doing something evil to Tina!
I’m sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Noble. And I’m sorry for telling everyone about it. And I’m sorry for repeating it now
We then hop aboard our segways and zoom back across the country, stopping briefly in Pennsylvania to hit up the Amish Experience Theater at Plain & Fancy Farm, where Santana’s congratulating her tiny friend on making it through her first graveyard shift.
i can read! gimme a junior mint!
Rachel’s super-busy combing Backstage for audition notices, including the very enticing prospect of auditioning for the Cape Cod Players production of “Midsummer Nights Dream” as Bottom, a role she had plenty of practice for when she and Quinn used to have secret sex in New Haven. HEY-O! Rachel skips out on her sidework, leaving Santana behind with Dani, who basically steps out of her body, fucks Santana on the bar, and then crawls back into her body, goes back in time, and then makes a little nod in Santana’s direction meant to deliver all of the emotions that happened during her out-of-body experience. You follow?
hey when you’re done swapping out those ketchup bottles, wanna swap out this guitar for your naked body?
Dani’s sticking around the diner to make love to her guitar and watch the sun rise in the morning. She likes how it goes from dark to glowing, like being really depressed and then having an orgasm. Maybe Demi’s just a stronger actress than Heather Morris, but the chemistry between these two is incredible.
They then radiantly perform “Here Comes the Sun,” starting in the restaurant and transitioning into a stroll down the streets in an Imaginary New York where struggling actors have apartments in midtown mere steps from their place of employment.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEL46IHOjA4
You know in musicals how sometimes a song will span a huge expanse of time, like all the way from meeting to falling in love? That happens here. Then, alas, our morning must come to a close.
this unfortunately does not mean what you want it to mean
and this is where i get on your jock
We then stock up on canned green beans and glass jars of olives and some pita bread and hop onto our bicycles and bike all the way back to Lima, Ohio, home of the Fairfield Inn Lima, where the Gleeks are performing Sgt.Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band in full regalia.
this is the third time this Season somebody’s done this Tae-Bo move just saying
Unfortunately “full regalia” makes the Glee Team look fully ridiculous, but whatever, the Future Queen is here with her Binder of Single Women!
ok just slip one junior mint between my teeth and lez get this show on the road
i got mad wingspan, y’all
p.s. have you seen the actor who plays stoner brett’s imdb page
Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant, while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What’s so great about Caesar? Hmm?
This musical number, traditionally written and performed by people who are literally tripping on acid, is intercut with the uninspired crush-of-the-week situation between Nurse Penny and Sam.
just need a lil liquid courage here for a moment
Meanwhile, Tina’s XO’s getting grilled by New Santana about her preparations to re-enact Carrie but with less menstrual blood.
hell no you’re not gonna just walk by me like we didn’t share a romantic evening together talking about our feelings and touching palms
Ultimate Prinicipal Jesus Sylvester takes the stage to announce the winners of this years big Grand Prom Queen King Situation of Life.
Ultimate Principal Jesus Sylvester: “Now here’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for because your lives are so devoid of meaning that something like this seems very important.”
see what my fingers are doing right now, this is how our legs could be all tangled up together later if you win, ’cause i only tangle with winners
All the Whos in Whoville stand in eager, slow-motion anticipation of this monumental announcement.
yup, i’m not wearing any underpants
Much to Ultimate Principal Jesus Sylvester’s surprise, the winners are Stoner Brett and SURPRISE Tina Cohen-Agitator!
ugh punch makes me so gassy
Unique’s fanning herself, Marley’s exposing her armpits, Stoner Brett is probs jonesing for some munchies, the music swells, everybody’s vulva engorges, and the losers stroll timidly offstage while Tina screams for her life!
50 junior mints, now!!
Stoner Brett’s reaction is slightly more subdued:
I would like to say this. Winning prom king is not something you can do on your own. Many, many people contributed to my win. I would like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the Lima city bus driver who took a chance on an unknown kid and last but not least, the wonderful crew from McDonalds who spend hours making those egg McMuffins without which I might never be prom king.
Fake Quinn, standing in the wings, spies Tina’s XO across the stage, grasping a rope attached to a bucket filled with placenta, horse meat and all the freezer-burned potato products currently crowding my tiny freezer.
but kitty, you gotta hold on to what you’ve got, it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not
oh shit looks like i misplaced one of those “meet me under the stars” signs
But it’s too late for Fake Quinn to stop the wheels and giant bucket already in motion.
cherry-flavored raindrops keep falling on my back
no seriously you can’t do that on television
Thus our dearest dear Tina Cohen-Chang is slaughtered in a bucket of red slushie.
Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my armpits and than I smell them like this!
oh my lawd is that really frances houseman up there about to dance dirty with johnny castle
It’s like a cross-over between Carrie and the last time Glee did a prom episode involving a Glee Club member getting humiliated by being elected prom queen.
After three minutes of unbearably extended slow-motion, including a puzzling two-minute trippy kaleidoscope montage of laughing children…
in this case, the junior mints thrower found he just couldn’t keep up with demand
…and Stoner Brett getting knocked out by the bucket…
dude
…Tina flees the auditorium and recedes into her safe space, the Glee Room, trailed by her earnest friends.
Tina: “I swear, I just thought for one lousy night of my life, I could be that girl. But who am I kidding? I’m not that girl and I will never be that girl.”
i told her i didn’t want to have period sex! I told her! and now look at me!
But Tina, you don’t need to be that girl! You just need to be you! Alas, her compatriots are not focused on assuring her she’s beautiful just the way she is ’cause they’re determined, come hell or high water, to make this Bundleprom the Best Bundleprom Ever ’cause everybody knows that prom is the best most exciting night in the history of life. Blaine talks her into a towel-down and all the ladies offer tradesies on their prom dresses.
please take these towels, they’re getting red fuzzies all over me
Cue “Hey Jude,” inspirational-montage style: the team manages to miraculously eradicate all traces of bloody slushie by affectionately dabbing her face with dry towels, Tina changes into Fake Quinn’s Fake Barbie Dreamhouse Prom dress and Fake Quinn changes into lululemon and Sam re-crowns Tina’s sticky head.
i just peed in the party pool!
Then everybody shoots compassionate facial expressions at one another while returning to the auditorium to Save Prom!
http://youtu.be/0AyYWUae7Dk
Tina gets back onstage and yells that she is Tina and she accepts the prom queen nomination! THE CROWD GOES WILD!!!!
and i don’t even need your junior mints, i have my own!
THE CROWD GOES WILD!
Cut to a period time later when Black Sue’s hauling New Santana into Ultimate Principal Jesus Sylvester’s office to punish her for the Slushie incident, which Black Sue found both triumphant and entertaining but nevertheless deserving some kind of slap on the wrist or ass.
and i was like what are you doing with your hand and she was like, that’s where the g-spot is
But Ultimate Principal Jesus Sylvester does not see a girl who needs to be punished, she sees a girl who needs to be molded in her own image — specifically, she’d like New Santana to heckle Glee Club into submission.
Sue: “I want you to go after Glee Club with all you’ve got. I want it to get weird. I want you to pull something so psychotic that they can’t help but start crying when they think about it in the middle of the inevitable Journey song they’ll sing to win at Nationals after deciding on it at the very last moment. You got it?”
oh, it’s already been gotten
We then drive to the airport, print our boarding passes at the kiosk, check our bag, slip through security with 3 ounces of magic potion, anthrax and a hairdo filled with razorblades, and then climb aboard an airplane that shoots triumphantly through the dark night sky all the way to Fake Ellen’s Stardust diner, where Santana’s lamenting that she got paid for her commercial in Yeast-i-Stat.
Santana: “If you’re producing that much yeast you should probably start a bakery.”
i mean sure, sometimes a girl who just drank a bunch of beer goes down on me and my ph gets a tad off-balance, but nobody needs this much yeast-i-stat
Kurt’s joining the Fake Ellen’s Stardust Diner team ’cause Vogue.com doesn’t pay its interns, which’s the most realistic employment-related situation in the history of this show.
plus that guy behind that pick up counter is always in need of a little pick-me-up if you know what i’m saying
Santana’s thrilled by everybody’s can-do attitudes!
Santana: “Kurt’s getting married, Berry is just full of confidence, and I finally have a girlfriend who I don’t have to worry about straying for penis.”
This is no small concern, mind you. Girls leaving other girls for disembodied penises happens every day, all the time. Just yesterday in Delores Park I saw a girl tear herself away from a passionate scissoring situation with a 100% Sapphic Goddess to chase down a Penis she spotted whacking balls around on the tennis court! This week alone, 56 bisexual women have been spotted ditching their lady-lovers to fuck themselves with dildos in public restrooms throughout the East Bay! But not Dani. That’ll never happen with Dani.
100% Sapphic Goddess material
I know what you’re thinking — but Brittany didn’t leave Santana for a penis, did she? Well, to be fair, if anybody is going to leave a person for an object or a body part or something otherwise incapable of emotions and eye-contact, it’s Brittany S. Pierce. Not the brightest bulb in the socket, that one. She could’ve strayed for a car, a blow-up doll, or a bridge, and I wouldn’t have batted an eye. But no, Brittany S. Pierce didn’t stray for penis, not did she stray for another man or another woman, nor did she stray at all, ever, but also if you’ve noticed Santana’s talon-esque fingernails this episode you’ll know that clearly whoever wrote this scene has never met an actual lesbian or bisexual or queer woman ever. Also, Glee hates bisexual people.
High One-ing: It’s The Newer, Softer High-Fiving
We immediately discover that Famous Broadway Director Mike Dexter’s in the house, seeking Rachel Berry. He’d like to order a cake. An entire cake. WHAT ABOUT TWO WHOLE CAKES??
and if you could kinda mold the cake, like with your hands, just kinda get your fingers allllll up in that cake and just really sculpt that fucker into a monument to flour and sugar, that’d be divine
He then tells her to write “congratulations Rachel Berry, you are Fanny Brice” on the cake, which I guess means he doesn’t actually want a cake, right? I’m so glad he’s not in my section.
that awkward moment when you get cast as fanny brice but are afraid to scream because you might have a pastry in your teeth
She’s thrilled! She’s the best! Everybody’s happy! Cheer and joy and Christmas for everybody!
who is that big bald guy in the back, what’s going on here
We then do a little montaging closing scene for “Let It Be.”Tina finally gets a fucking solo and the whole Glee Team is dressed like the prom theme is “Bastard Offspring of Lady Hippies and Miami Vice.”
it’s just sparkling apple cider, don’t get too excited there
and then the angels rose out of the desert into the purple summer
i can’t believe it’s not manichewitz
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocvwjwPY9Bg
It’s a sweet note to end on, with both gangs more believably coming together in the song’s emotional crescendo, and Dani and Santana are already being extra-cute.
Next week I’ll be at A-Camp and therefore unable to recap, but luckily, despite having not seen the show in eons, Kate has agreed to recap in my stead.
HOW CUTE IS THIS:
via rockinrye
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“…I finally have a girlfriend who I don’t have to worry about straying for penis.”
WHY MUST YOU SH*T ON ALL OF MY DREAMS, RYAN MURPHY?
Tina = my original favorite character, before she transformed from a quirky punk kid to a screeching mess who constantly needs and begs for male attention
Dani and Santana = such a super cute, chemistry-filled couple THAT WOULD HAVE STILL BEEN A CUTE COUPLE if this alternate Glee universe where Brittany goes and cheats on Santana with a man didn’t happen. I mean, did I miss the episode where they rolled the die and the darkest timeline happened? Did Ryan Murphy just forget that Santana dumped Brittany after discovering her chick magnetism at college? I’m not even the hugest Brittana fan, but is too much to ask that Santana moves on from that relationship without bashing her unicorn-loving ex-lover?
Oh, wait, right, this is Glee, where Ryan loves to give us presents and then stomp on them before our eyes. Expectations duly adjusted.
Santana or anyone else never said or suggested Britt cheated.
No, she just, based on nothing, stated that her being bi meant she was prone to cheating.
Like most of the characters, I didn’t get the “Brundleprom” reference (I think Ryder said he did?). Anyone got an explanation?
And once again I’m left to wonder how many people were bothered by the jabs at bisexual folks.
PS Honesty Hour: I feel weird about the next episode because it’s sad that Cory Monteith died but Finn was such an awful character I’m not sure how I’ll react.
The Fly. Jeff Goldblum’s character is named Seth Brundle. Splices self with fly. Dubs self ‘Brundlefly’.
It’s gross.
“And once again I’m left to wonder how many people were bothered by the jabs at bisexual folks.”
I was.
Oooookay so I am still identifying far too much with Glee for a woman of my age. C’est tragique. But once again this episode gave with one hand and punched me in the face with the other.
Liking the Santana development. Saddened by the baseless biphobia. Wept like a baby at ‘Let It Be’, which was played at a musical theatre friend’s funeral in university.
PS I was not enjoying Riese’s story, and then she mentioned ‘her modelling agency’ and made it about twelve times worse. Blerg.
did anyone else think it was weird that Tina didn’t just go to the locker rooms and shower? Wouldn’t that be so much more effective than towels?
I was yelling at my computer about how ineffective the dry towels were and if only Rachel Berry were there because she’d have her routine down in no time.
there was nothing about that clean-up situation that made sense to me. seriously that shit must have been sticky as fuck, didn’t anybody have a wet towel
I’m glad you stated that Glee hates bisexuals, this is true. I felt emotionally abused by this episode.
That said, I can’t stop laughing at the caption, “I TOLD HER I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE PERIOD SEX! I TOLD HER! AND NOW LOOK AT ME!” which apparently says a lot about my sense of humor.
I laughed out loud too, it’s ok. And yes – sometimes I think the Glee writers are part of an evil conspiracy to confuse allies and everyone else by being really fantastically super-pro gay – and racist, anti-semitic, biphobic and transphobic at the same time, with throwaway lines that pop up out of nowhere and kick you in the crotch. Because, you know, if the character doesn’t look like they’ve thought about it, the audience doesn’t have to think about it either, right?
I was upset about the abundant biphobia in this episode as well, but I was even more upset by that sad excuse for a kiss between dani and santana! That “kiss” was more like the awkward lip graze that happens when a relative goes in for a kiss and you thankfully turn your cheek at the last second.
Yes! I was also disappointed in that “kiss”. It looks like their lips didn’t even touch. Damn you, Glee.
Funny, ‘cuz my reaction was: “Omigod, I bet the Brittana fans are flipping their shit already.”
yeah that kiss was WEAK.
seriously if this was real life i would be like, does she actually like me? because that kiss was hella tentative
“P.S. HAVE YOU SEEN THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS STONER BRETT’S IMDB PAGE”
His sister is Strawberry Shortcake, yall. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE!
GET OUT
I haven’t watched this show in ages, and just started up again this season. It wasn’t until half way through this episode that I realized that Dani and Fake Quinn aren’t the same person. I still like both of them better than Real Quinn.
And seriously, what’s with all the bisexual hate? I feel like there’s some bitterness going on in the writers’ room over at Glee headquarters, and they’re taking it out on the viewers.
If Santana had bashed Brittany for being bisexual I wouldn’t have minded since it is still kinder than the truth that she is the lowest kind of pond scum who posts sex tapes without permission and then refuses to take them down when asked. Brittany=Hunter Moore. So, it would really be much kinder than the truth. But she didn’t say that she said she worried about it, which is true. We saw her do that all of the time and Finn pointed it out as he outted her.
Love Dani/Santana.
“Girls leaving other girls for disembodied penises happens every day, all the time. Just yesterday in Delores Park I saw a girl tear herself away from a passionate scissoring situation with a 100% Sapphic Goddess to chase down a Penis she spotted whacking balls around on the tennis court! This week alone, 56 bisexual women have been spotted ditching their lady-lovers to fuck themselves with dildos in public restrooms throughout the East Bay!”
I laughed so hard I snorted while reading this at my parents’ kitchen table.
Also, I’m not sure how I lived without that naked photo of Naya until this point in time. The things you learn.
Agreement that the bi-phobia in this episode was sad, though. Redeem yourselves, Glee creators!
<3
You were a lot kinder to Santana’s biphobic “Real Lesbian” comment than I was, Riese. I was super bummed when Dani’s response to “I’m not a lesbian!” wasn’t coming out as bisexual. Womp, womp. That being said, it’s Ryan Fucking Murphy so of course they have to say the grossest stuff while tapping their 3″ long fake nails against the table tops.
Santana though was the best thing about this episode – yeast commercial was perfect, the deadpan “Oh, but you’re wearing so much eyeliner…”, Dani being a confident sexy person, the duet. It was all wonderful. And I wanted to give Rachel a hug. In conclusion, fuck McKinley, let’s just have a show about the diner.
yeah i don’t read any commentary about the episode until after my recap is published, but afterwards i read someone on tumblr who’d interpreted the “real lesbian” comment more as a way of writing off brittany or bi girls in general as “less than” “real lesbians,” an interpretation which never even occurred to me! due to my own personal experience, i thought santana was just nervous and intimidated by somebody who she expected (based on erroneous and problematic assumptions not uncommon to a brand-new-to-new-york baby queer from the midwest, as i once was) (but also, my experience was eight years ago and things have changed so much since then) would have more experience with women and queer culture than she did. but if the tumblr person’s interpretation was what was truly intended by that line, then that is soooo fucked up as hell. i mean, everybody in this show has so few lines that aren’t either jokes, exposition, or lead-ins to songs that it’s really difficult for us to parse out anything nuanced. like as a person who has been writing about this show for a long time… it’s almost like it doesn’t want to be analyzed. i do think it’s loyal to camp, humor and music first and story/plot/character second.
FAKE ELLEN’S STARDUST DINER SPINOFF PLEASE FOREVER. no really, i feel like the new york cast is really gelling this season and i’m honestly looking forward to seeing how all of their storylines unravel. mckinley is just snoozy.
Yeah, Riese, I really liked your explanation for it because, as you said, even bisexual or otherwise not-Kinsey-6-lesbian girls can be intimidated and harbor those attitudes when we first have sex with or date a lesbian, so it’s easy to see how as a Midwestern girl new to New York and new to a place where she can be out about her sexual orientation, Santana might have similar feelings about dating another lesbian for the first time.
It just sucks that I’m almost certain that’s not what was intended by this, as Ryan Murphy has made it clear in the past that he’s biphobic. See: his comments about the “Blaine tries bisexuality for an episode” thing in Season 2, when he said Blaine needed to be gay because being bi would somehow make him less of a queer role model or something. He just sees bisexuals are somehow less queer and it pisses me off. I wish more powerful people in the media were calling the Glee writers on this, because it really does put a damper on all the good stuff that Glee does, that Ryan Murphy messes up SO HARD with any of the letters in the LGBT acronym other than the G.
Like someone said that Sue is usually the one who says politically-incorrect stuff. But the thing is, the previous biphobia in the show came from Kurt during aforementioned Blaine episode. So I think that RM (or whoever wrote this episode) just honestly doesn’t see them as offensive. And that’s a problem.
“I wish more powerful people in the media were calling the Glee writers on this, because it really does put a damper on all the good stuff that Glee does, that Ryan Murphy messes up SO HARD with any of the letters in the LGBT acronym other than the G.”
Well, we know Dan Savage won’t…
It’s not fair that the gay guys get long romantic storylines & passionate kisses and we get table scraps. WTF was with that kiss? Also the bi-phobia was awful. Why do I let my expectations get so high. Damn you Glee writers!! Take a class on diversity!!
A peck on the lips and Santana refers to her as her girlfriend and they’re all giggly and braiding each other’s hair? Is that what lesbians do? This must be why I am still single.
It’s because Ryan Murphy & Co. think that The Only Things Lesbians/Bisexual Women Do are limited to what they saw while spying on their sisters when they hosted sleepovers.
this x100
Riese, I love you and your sacrifice and your Battlestar Galactica references forever and ever.
This was so funny.
Biphobic nonsense and Santana’s demon claws aside, I loved the NYC portions of this episode. Demi Lovato is great – I’d never paid attention to her as more than “one of those Disney Channel kids” before now but she has a really nice face and voice and everything – and I really like Dani, and Dani/Santana as a couple, so far.
And while the whole way Rachel got cast as Fanny Brice is completely ridiculous/unrealistic, her adorable ecstatic face makes up for it.
Oh, and that Yeast-I-Stat commercial is the funniest thing I have seen in a long time, I laughed so hard I was crying.
Basically they should put the Lima side of this show out of its misery and just move the whole thing to NYC.
The biphobic comments seemed really bizarre to me because usually they try and make Sue the mouthpiece for most of the un-PC jokes, I guess because she’s meant to be evil and therefore gets a pass at saying awful things.
But the lines didn’t really feel like they were even meant to be humorous. My own personal theory is that after all that AfterEllen name-checking last season, the writers are now cut ‘n pasting AE’s most regressive, biphobic commenters straight into the dialogue because they mistakenly believe that’s what lesbians want to hear.
Also, I actually liked the little peck-on-the-lips incident! I thought it showed Santana ceding a bit of power, when she’s usually the one in control of her relationships. Of course, this line of thinking would only hold water if, in a wider context, Glee wasn’t such a bag of shite when it came to female-centric storylines.
I stopped watching Glee early last season because I just couldn’t take… everything on that show any more. I thought I might give it a try again because I like it when people sing and Demi Lovato. But geez, holy biphobia, Batman! I just don’t like Glee enough to put up with its all of its crap.
I still love the recaps though because Riese is funny and I can then read that someone said something awful while seeing it be called out for being awful. Although, I’m always left missing Junior Mints a lot.
I enjoy Glee exponentially more since I started to just fast-forward through the McKinley storylines straight to all the NYC scenes.
I’ll occasionally watch a musical number with the new kids but mostly I’m just in it for Rachel/Santana/Kurt.
As a bisexual, I found all the bi-phobia really off-putting and I feel like as a culture we should be looking beyond….SORRY HAVE TO RUN THERE’S A DISEMBODIED PENIS AND I NEED TO CHASE IT DOWN THE STREET! COME BACK PENIS!!!
I’m dying.
riese doesn’t mean it like that. you know she’s a joker. no need to get offended.
I’m pretty sure that Chelsea was referring to the show and not Riese, but it’s pretty messed up to tell someone that they have “no need to get offended.”
I haven’t watched the episode (yet), but it feels like Santana and Heart Attack (I forget her name) barely grazed lips and now they’re GIRLFRIENDZ~!!!! Is there more exposition than that or did they make Heart Attack just THAT much of a lesbian?
you dated haviland! you dated haviland and haviland dated….. *cough*…… anyway, haviland was your first? how cute!
why did you broke up? i watch your youtube videos and i think you two look perfect together. you could’ve gotten married and had a couple of unicorn babies.
demi can play an awesome queer. i’ll add her to my list.
The show only holds if you fast-forward to the NYC parts.
Although I don’t hate Kitty as a character and New Santana’s rant was perfect because the awesome sorority chick they were mimicking is my hero because of “cunt punt.” I wish I could rant that effectively.
Also, and I hate to say this, but I kind of like New Santana for what could be interpreted as shallow reasons. When I initially began watching Glee I didn’t find a character I identified with until they gave that cool “Is she black? She may be? I think she’s blatina?” chick in the background speaking parts. And bam I became obsessed with Santana because she sort of looked like me (in my mind I just pretended she was black) and she was an asshole with a heart. Also she became my “black Glee character” even though the character is technically Latina.
So New Santana is actually black and yay! And yes I love Mercedes/Amber, but I didn’t identify with her.
Okay so now that that is out the way. Lima still sucks. Was never a fan of Blaine as a character. He’s way too cheesy for my temperament. Tina has become insufferable. Sam and Artie are just there. And the new kids… just move Marley and Unique to NYC or something. They’re new Rachel/Kurt. Just only show NYC!
[Did Dianna Agron sever all ties with the show?]
As far as NYC, as a bi-person I was off-put by Santana’s comments. Although, also as a bi-person I interpreted it somewhat like Riese. When I had an experience with a self-identifying lesbian I sort of had the same process. Would they judge me? Am I good enough? Do I do things “right”? Then I realized it was all silly and all was well.
But since the other Santana scenes were so good, I wrote off her comments as Glee writers failing. Not Santana failing.
Yeast I Stat was gold! I thought it was kind of meta tongue and cheek since Naya is on our screens quite often frolicking about with the red M&M.
Lastly, was I the only one confused that by the end of the episode Santana had a whole girlfriend? That escalated quickly. But I do like seeing Santana yield power, since in this case Dani’s the more experienced one.
Also, what is up with Glee and intimacy between women onscreen. Like I don’t get it. How does ABC Family beat provocateurs extraordinaires Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk at showing real life minutia between couples?
Defending Santana’s comments:
When she first came out and said I love to Britney she was turned down because she wouldn’t leave Artie, which if I were Santana I would personally interpret as “you’re not good enough” (despite rational thinking because love). She only got with Brittney in the first place by manipulating her away from Artie (not her best moment). And given that Santana is not an idiot, she probably deep down knew how fucked up that was even though she was literally willing to do anything to get the woman she loved to be with her. Deep down she probably still thought “I’m not good enough” because men. Given her experience, the only thing that’s really kept her from the women she cared about was men (loving the women she loved and outing her unceremoniously).
Though I’m sure Ryan Murphy didn’t actually mean to address Santana’s deep seated insecurities regarding her self worth and actually intended to hate on bisexuals. Because he’s the worst. But I forever have faith in Santana.
I’m sure this is old news, but I’m still enraged at how blatantly, yet obliviously racist glee is. Tina can’t even get an entire song solo in an episode with her name in it, nor can she be paired up with a more desirable prom king who at least has a re-occuring or lead role/is not entirely a joke, gets called “not-hot” and of course, gets “Carrie-ed” in the end. Thanks Glee, for reminding 17 yr old Asian girls in America that they are “not hot” and will never be “that” girl? Plus to make a comeback, you gotta wear the popular white girl’s barbie dress. Right. I know Glee is self-aware and pokes fun of never giving Tina solos (except of course for GANGHAM STYLE wtf). But seriously, it’s not helping teenage Asian girls who may relate to Tina, with their self-esteem. p.s. Santana + Demi 4ever obv.
I tried to think of words to use to agree with you, but I was so mad about the show’s treatment of Tina that all that came out was “Urrrrggggh!!!”
AGREE 100%