Welcome to the first recap of the fifth season of Glee, a show about laughing, dancing around in your underwear and cooking pasta! Just kidding, that’s not what Glee‘s about, that’s what Burt Hummel thought marriage would be about when he was 22 but then he grew up and discovered marriage is actually about fighting in your underwear. Coincidentally, “fighting in your underwear” is also what Glee is about. Furthermore, Glee is about scissoring, rose petals, hair crimpers, horse meat, piggy banks, tongue piercings, seesaws, bacterial vaginosis, failed kickstarter campaigns, women who have sex with bridges, poutine, Ringo Starr and a group of rag-tag musical aspirants forced to toil away at a racist diner in order to feed their pet horses.
Overall, I found this episode to be relatively delightful, especially because there were so many musical numbers that there wasn’t much time for talking, and talking is where this show tends to get itself into trouble. Also, I love The Beatles and am more familiar with their Collected Works than any other band in the universe (runner up: The Indigo Girls) (i know). Sidenote: I think I’m doing my best work in the captions these days. ARE YOU READY TO DIG IN TO THIS? LEZZZZZ GO!
We open in the big bright city of New York, New York, specifically on Angus’ Bistro, a restaurant popular amongst Broadway actors hankering for post-show cocktails and/or lettuce wedges and/or melon balls.
rachel had selected her magenta coat for good luck because it matched the shade of her favorite minna ola vibrator, but was pleased to discover that its complementary tones also matched the Funny Girl sign
Unfortunately, Rachel Berry’s not on 44th & 8th to get trashed with the cast of Kinky Boots, she’s merely passing by on her way to St. James Theater for her Funny Girl callback, which lasts about thirty seconds.
but if i spread out my hands like this once i’m inside her, well, that’s when we get into multiple-orgasm territory
Famous Broadway Director and Paolo Who Won A Tony tell her they’ve heard enough, but mostly I’m distracted by the fact that Famous Broadway Director is being played by Peter Facinelli, aka MIKE DEXTER.
that’s right babes, i can count to two!!!
If, for some surely tragic reason, you’re unfamiliar with the classic teen flick Can’t Hardly Wait, perhaps you are of the generation more likely to associate Peter Facinelli with this travesty of a franchise:
tell me more about why twilight is a feminist’s nightmare, riese
Anyhow! As Rachel sulks in the wings, she overhears Mike Dexter and Paolo Who Won a Tony saying she looks right and acts real good but might be too young to pull it off.
stay calm and remind yourself of quinn’s scent
Then, apropros of both nothing and absolutely everything at the same time, Rachel Berry breaks into The Beatles’ Yesterday while we cry softly into our dinner napkins thinking of how hard this must have been for Lea to do because Cory. I used to love this song so much I recorded it from one tape deck to another, over and over again, until I filled an entire 60-minute cassette with “Yesterday.” Then I would sit on my futon and listen to my tape and cry for no reason. Oh, youth.
fuck i really should’ve worn pants it is cold as hell out here
Rachel walks by Sardi’s, where she formerly dined with Finn Hudson, singing “why he had to go I don’t know / he wouldn’t say,” and she looks at a picture on her iphone of the whole gang…
#nofilter
…and she walks through Central Park where they did that big number with the balloons back in Season Two and your heart breaks a thousand times for Lea and keeps on breaking until…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCJIFFkeIbI
…the song ends and we’re thrust aggressively into a black-and-white montage of Ryder Bieber-Strong’s pores. But I’m getting ahead of myself here! Did you know that “Yesterday” is one of the most-covered songs in musical history and that it’s also the first recording by the Beatles that only featured one member of the band (Paul McCartney) and that the rest of the band didn’t feel like it really fit in with the rest of their work? Well, now you do.
We then slap on some socks, toss on some Tevas, strap unleavened bread to our backs and plunge our iPod into our eardrums for a grueling hike all the way from New York, New York, to Lima Ohio, home to the Lima Wastewater Treatment Plant, for another thrilling meeting of The McKinley High Super-Winners Glee Club.
please say brittani nichols please say brittani nichols
This bi-week’s theme is The Beatles, one of my favorite bands of all time (and one of the best bands of all time). Will announces that if the Gleeks can master The Beatles, they’ll win Nationals and cement a Glee Club Dynasty Championship Dynamite Achievement Award Of All Time. Ryder’s into it:
captain planet power forever!
Then Tina nods and smiles a lot while the other children discuss their various connections (or lack thereof) to The Beatles, and then Artie wheels Fake Quinn through the hallways while waxing nostalgic about how she helped him get in to The Brooklyn Film Academy, which sounds like a for-profit scam fake college situation, but whatever, and therefore he wants to take her out to Breadsticks. But she hates Breadsticks!
well how about the olive garden, then? because trust me you haven’t toured italy ’til you’ve tried “the tour of italy”
Finally, Artie scores a date with is suggestion that they hit up the local Carnival instead, which segues neatly into yet another musical number, “Drive My Car!”
omg of course you can finger me like that one scene in “fear”
This riotous fun-filled motion-sickness-inducing freewheeling musical situation cartwheels us through a number of terrifying but allegedly fun amusements with the perpetually orgasmic Gleek gang.
crash pad series episode #456
After the song, some bitchy Cheerios tell Fake Quinn they’ve uploaded some pics of her and Artie canoodling to instagram, which inspires Fake Quinn to tell Artie they should def go out but totally in secret, “like secretly gay conservatives do.”
Artie: “So you like me but you don’t wanna be seen with me?
Fake Quinn: “I need status at this school to survive.”
No you don’t, you just need food, water and shelter. Kids these days are so entitled.
now leave us alone so we can go play furries in a fort
We then board a PT Cruiser and crank up the Jewel and speed all the way back to New York, New York, where Santana’s gotten Rachel a job at The Spotlight Cafe, aka Fake Ellen’s Stardust Diner, by showing Gunther her left side-boob, a scene unfortunately not included in this week’s episode for the whole family to enjoy. But damn do those little Sexy Majorette costumes look hella cute!
hey, stop staring at your reflection and help me out with these buns, hon
“I wanna be grown up and living and making it on my own,” says Rachel in her best grown-up voice. “We’re basically working actresses,” notes Santana.
fuck i forgot to change my tampon before putting on these koolats
We then fire up the FTL drives and jump on back to Lima, Ohio, where Kurt and Blaine are enjoying a relaxing picnic in McKinley’s luxurious outdoor dining area, replete with confusing neckwear and shiny silverware.
can’t see the sailboat
Blaine, likely impressed by the muscle Chris Colfer’s acquired in the offseason, begs his butt-buddy to re-boyfriend him, promising that he’ll never ever ever never cheat again. Then they can be together forever like Will and Jada and send their adorable talented children to Scientology school to learn about being aliens for a million trillion years! Why hasn’t anyone made a Scientology sitcom.
now wait, i promise you there’s something gluten-free in the basket, you just have to be patient
Good news: Klaine is back ON. Thus Kurt, rocking Full Petal Jacket chic, leads the nubile youths, Colonel Blaine Mustard and the McKinley High School Marching Band into a celebratory production of “Got To Get You Into My Life.”
who wants to touch my nipples!!!????
that girl in the tie-dyed skirt is really possessive of that trapper keeper
you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around…
check my teeth for spinach, brah
It’s twinky and bright and big and sprightly and goofy, topped off with a celebratory kiss WITH FULL TONGUE led by a suddenly super-sexy Kurt Hummel.
http://youtu.be/A6IVgWkvQxE
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this was awesome. just plain awesome.
This brightened up my day so much (my day was not going so swimmingly, but I was laughing into my cup throughout the three pages of this (‘my cup’ is not a euphemism for anything, there are other people in the room so I was pretending to drink while reading and laughing)).
I tried to get over Glee during the summer, and I really almost did it but then it came back like this and I think it’s about time I settled down for the long haul. A lot of the dialogue and plotting is beyond crap, but the Kurt and Blaine scene at the end, plus Rachel being all Rachel and Santana being Santana..I just can’t let this damn show go.
*ridiculously romantic sigh of happiness*
That is literally what I have to say about this episode. Call me whatever, but that proposal eclipsed everything else.
I also continue to enjoy recaps most greatly.
*scurries off to read fanfiction*
OH GOD IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN. Better start up the torrents and reach over to my bedside table where half a bottle of wine is still sitting.
What can I say? Ryan Murphy brings out the worst in me.
Is anyone else super confused as to why none of the seniors graduated last year?
I mean, this is the fifth year of Tina and Artie, and the fourth of Blaine and Sam.
If these kids are incapable of graduating you would think they would have had help by now! Or am I thinking far too much about the plot holes inherent in the show I used to love?
i am also really confused about that situation, especially because they’re having prom AGAIN? i feel like they’ve had like sixteen proms?
The beginning of this season is still part of last season’s academic year, so they’re still in April/May time, which is why there’s been no Nationals/prom/graduation yet. (Don’t ask why, I don’t think anybody knows)
My hypothesis is that the writers didn’t know wtf to do with most of them after they graduated, so they carried the school year into next season so they wouldn’t have to decide so soon.
the only reason i can even halfway handle the weird time manipulations of the glee universe is that the weird time manipulations in pretty little liars are so egregious that it makes glee seem like a sundial
I laughed way too hard in the first scene when Kitty was like, “This school year seems never ending.” HA. Hahahaha.
I also think because they are spending a decent amount of time in New York, they feel they need to spread the timeline out to give McKinley a decent senior year.
Season 4 was a crazy year of transition, curious as to what season 6 will look like.
I quit glee, but I can’t get myself to quit reading the recaps
i don’t watch glee because i know it isn’t as good as your recaps but mostly what i got out of this is the phrase “raise the gay roof” and i am pretty sure i have a new motto. thank you riese
no problem
I feel like maybe I love the Beatles too much to watch this episode.
Doesn’t mean I won’t read this recap and totally cry reading Blaine’s speech, whatevs.
I wish I had read this before watching the episode. I thought Demi was going to be in it and I was prepared for lady lovin, but then as it turns out I wasted like 30min and no lady kisses. (only 30 min because I fast forward through half of it)
yeah i thought by two-part episode they meant that it wold be two hours long and the second hour would be the demi hour, but apparently we have to wait ’til next week for that.
progress mother fucker!
All I could think about during Hard Day’s Night was the number of health codes they were violating.
Me too, especially when they were laying on the counter/booth seats.
i was still wondering if santana had officially transferred her table to lea or if lea just ran her food
I don’t even know what a junior mint is but I still lol ridiculously at every reference
THEY ARE DELICIOUS CANDIES
Not only do I remember Tiffany, but by some magical, fateful happenstance my band got to open for her at a Pride festival a couple of years ago.
/brag
I continue to adore your recaps, Riese! So That Others May Not Have to Actually Watch the Show.
WHAT YOU OPENED FOR TIFFANY
I KNOW, RIGHT?!
It was magical. She was super nice! And her new music is actually pretty decent! Although of course she did “I Think We’re Alone Now” and all the old mall hits, too.
“all the old mall hits” would be a good zine or blog name
I logged in to leave a comment because I wholeheartedly appreaciate your efforts, Riese. The captions are totally on point. Possibly (definitely) the best part of the recap.
Also the youtube videos cut away before the gay kissing. What’s with that, universe.
The songs are uploaded as literally only the songs. Like, everytime. You have to watch the episode to get anything not song. Sorry.
I think this is one of the best Glee recaps yet!! So funny! I stopped watching Glee last year because of so many disappointments but this episode was awesome. Kurt & Blaine need their own show because basically they are the only good thing about Glee. Although I am very excited about Demi & Santana… let’s hope the positive vibes continue.
me too.
I watched this because I wanted to see Demi and Santana snog, and because my best friend loves it. Blaine’s speech straight up made me want to vomit, it was so sticky sweet and disgusting. I stopped watching glee around the time what’s his face nearly killed himself, and this episode really drove home why. Why :(
Am I the only one that thinks they are waay to young to be getting engaged/married? I’m all for Klaine dating, but marriage just doesn’t seem right. I hope they are planning on marrying a long time from now.
Thank you Riese for enduring this show another season and recapping it for us!
Yeah, I was going the entire time: “Say NO, Kurt!” They shouldn’t get married because:
1) They had just broken up after Blaine cheated and got back together, like 5 seconds ago.
2) They are 17/18
3) Things Blaine said made it sound like he did it as much for the symbolic nature of two men marrying, which is great except for 1 and 2.
4) I really wanted Kurt to be the sane one who was like WOAH BRAKES, and then they develop the relationship and then they get married.
5) Modern family proposal = felt so right compared to this. Total opposite, they went for flashy, totally screwed it, but realized they just knew each other well enough that the simplest proposal works. But then again, when does Glee do simple right?
But then Blaine did his little speech thing and everything inside me melted and I couldn’t count straight so, yeah, I could see how Kurt would say yes.
they are WAYYYYYYY too young to get married, but this show is kinda lazy like that.
Anyone else think that Yesterday was butchered? I hated the way she sang that song. I had to go listen to the original to get it out of my head.
It was beautiful and the best vocal of the night.
YAY RIESE’S GLEE RECAPS ARE BACK! Even though this show is mostly ridiculous, I just can’t quit it because Santana and Rachel. So I suffer through/mostly don’t pay attention to the rest.
“Santana and Demi Lovato starting a Selena cover band and scissoring for 23 minutes on our teevee screens!” – I’d watch this. (Also I feel like I probs shouldn’t post spoilers in here but if you want to know a thing, check out Lea Michele’s twitter.)
wait are you talking about how my gay boyfriend is gonna be on the show
MIKE DEXTER IS A GOD! MIKE DEXTER IS A ROLE MODEL!
thank you jen
Everything I know from Glee comes from these recaps and Santana gifsets reblogged on tumblr so ty Riese for this public service
“but also he’s so young and hasn’t even been to happy hour at Posh yet or slept with Brian Kinney or marginalized the needs of gay women in a large national LGBT rights organization”
Great recap as usual but this line was perfect!
These recaps always make me want to be a lesbian.
Yay for the return of Riese. I liked Heather very much but ain’t nobody like you, babe.
Are we not going to talk about the castration of Sebastian Smythe? I guess it was proof that he really wanted more than Blaine’s ass, if he was willing to do an idiotic Teenage Dream do-over dance to make him happy and drive him into the arms of Puerto-Rican Pride Float Hummel (I love Chris Colfer to pieces, just would have loved Sebastian to be a “mid-game” guy for Blaine.) I found the whole proposal to be heartbreaking once Sebastian came into the picture, even though I thought Darren and Chris did a wonderful job of masking their personal disapproval of the teen marriage storyline.
So, it really just makes me incredibly happy that Darren Criss got the little Paul McCartney head-wiggle down in ‘I Saw Her Standing There’. His whole body language is great, and totally young Macca. Which makes me nostalgic.
So, it really just makes me incredibly happy that Darren Criss got the little Paul McCartney head-wiggle down in ‘I Saw Her Standing There’. His whole body language is great, and totally young Macca. Which makes me nostalgic. 樂威壯